family...and saying goodbye...

Yesterday plunged me into a myriad of emotions that I was altogether unprepared to handle. Last Sunday (Father’s Day) I received a somber phone call from my parents informing me that Richard Wagoner had died suddenly of a heart attack and to be praying for our family. My family is moderately complicated in that our generations are all mucked up. My grandma (Ellen) is 92 and her sister (my Aunt Joy) is only 76. My mom wasn’t born until my grandma was almost 40 which tossed her into the age group with all my Aunt Joy’s kids rather than her siblings who are 12 and 15 years older than her. For that reason, my Aunt Joy’s kids have always been more like aunts and uncles to me than cousins. Aunt Joy had 6 kids: Richard, Gary, Mark, JoAnn, Janine, and Daryll. In college I lived with my Aunt (cousin) Janine for several weeks each summer and after I graduated I lived with my Aunt (cousin) JoAnn and her family for almost a year. We are a very tight-nit family (you know, the kind that has Thanksgiving ALL together every year and spends a week camping at Mission Bay each summer) so losing Richard was major for us. Yesterday was the memorial service. It was absolutely beautiful. As we worshipped together, I was overwhelmed and overcome by the reality of life coming to a close. There is no better place for Richard to be than in the presence of Jesus Christ, his Savior. However, for Aunt Kelly and my cousins (Richard’s kids) Dustin, Darren, and Dana there is no where they would rather Richard be than here on earth to continue living life with them. My heart breaks for them. I honestly cannot imagine the sorrow. My grandma will be 93 in November – and as we sat there together teary-eyed, I pictured my family at her memorial service and my heart ached. I am not (and will likely never be) ready to say goodbye to my sweet Grandma. I am so thankful that I’ve gotten to share 25 years of life with her…and yet…I want her to be there to see me walk down the aisle, to hold my babies, for birthdays and Christmases. Life will not be the same without her. The potential for her passing hit me harder than I had thought it would. I have an amazingly healthy and strong Grandma who does not look at all like a 92-year-old and yet the reality is harsh…her time will come…and sooner than later. She was very sick for several months earlier this year and her death was not far from any of our minds, however, as she recovered the thoughts of saying goodbye faded and I have returned to living in the bubble I created where Grandma will never die. It isn’t real and yet I revel there. At the memorial I also got to spend a few minutes with my Uncle (cousin) Greg. He is my Aunt (cousin) JoAnn’s husband and I lived with him after college graduation. JoAnn and Greg were incredibly generous in allowing me to live rent free for several months and helping me start my life as an adult. Aunt JoAnn was incredibly supportive and offered me guidance, wisdom, and friendship in one of the most difficult transitions I’ve yet to encounter. I learned a lot while living in their home and was able to experience life with them in a very unique way. Several months after I moved out, Greg became incredibly sick. He is waiting for a liver transplant but is not doing well. Talking with him was humbling – I was moved…moved as I watched him claim the Lord’s presence in His life and speak softly about his desire to do the Lord’s work – neither of those would have been conversations we shared while I was living there. He is changed. He is different. He has tasted the closeness of death and God worked mightily there. I don’t know that there are words for the emotions that I’m feeling – I am overwhelmed, saddened, inspired, hopeful, prayerful, and above all grateful to be a part of such an amazing family that loves and supports even in the hardest of days – the days we say goodbye.