hope and miracles...

There is an element of HOPE that feels absurdly naive. I have been living in pain since I was 20-years-old. I have been engaging with medical professionals and pounding on doors to get answers. I have seen improvements from time to time. I’ve lived in moments of exuberant joy as relief flooded and learned to dance with sorrow from desolate disappointment when pain returned and overwhelmed. I have good days - and I have a LOT of bad days. I’ve learned to live in the midst of the hard and to struggle “well” to the degree that is possible. I have grown and become as I have run to God to be near in the midst of the hardest and darkest moments. I have new eyes to see others in the midst of their wrestling - to look at them with compassion and empathy - to care even when I absolutely cannot fix or provide any real solution. Ultimately, I would not change what I have experienced, and even still, I can say with certainty - I am not good at pain. I think that may be a reality of the human condition - but even still - I have not overcome…God is for me, He is with me, and the struggle is real.

I also realize and recognize that I no longer pray the audacious prayer. I no longer hope for the miracle. I believe my God is ABLE and I know at any point He CAN HEAL ME and yet I feel as though He has said no - my life is evidence that He has asked me to sing His song in the midst of suffering. He has used my pain for His glory and has asked me to share this story with intentionality. I was silent for SO LONG. I lived under the weight of hiding in the midst of my pain  afraid of being labeled or defined by it. Freedom came much later as He forced me to confront the reality of my needs - as I allowed community to love me fully in the midst of the pain not despite it but through it - to see me fully and to run alongside me in my weakness. 

So therein is my question - is HOPE foolish? Is it WRONG that I have stopped praying for the miracle? It can be SO PAINFUL to hope on repeat and have it return void. I guess in some sense I do hope or rather cling to belief that I will not be stopped by pain. My counselor says I live in active denial and thereby engage in my best life in the midst of pain. I refuse to listen to can’t and instead shout WATCH ME at the world. I laugh at the idea that I can be minimized or made small by my circumstances and rather run full-force at adventure. I choose joy. That doesn’t mean that I don’t ache - oh I do - but ultimately, even in the midst of despair I desire laughter and dancing in the midst of His radiance rather than wallowing in pity or focusing on the emptiness. Perhaps THAT is the miracle and that is hope. Perhaps the very fact that I get up, face the day, and engage with THIS STORY is the gift He is giving. For today, that is enough.

re-write the title...

I listened to a podcast with Bob Goff this morning and he was talking about how we can retitle our chapters. Sometimes what we perceive the chapter heading to be while we’re living it is actually inaccurate - we need to revisit experiences to taste and see what the Lord has DONE.  Interesting concept. There are some chapters of my life I would definitely have titled “wrong” if I didn’t allow the Lord to sift and work and redeem. 

One such chapter has been on my heart all weekend. On Friday night I bumped into a friend I haven’t seen in a while - a friend I shed more tears over than most. A friend I can say without hesitation God used mightily in my life and story. Our short season had a purpose far greater than what I could see at the time, and though it was costly it also caused growth that was needed and brought on a refining that was holy and sacred and undoubtedly from my GOOD Father. I probably would have titled that chapter - THE MOST DEVASTATING GOODBYE if I wrote it then, but I’m writing it now - and I think it is actually PROOF OF PURPOSE AND A PLAN BEYOND COMPREHENSION. 

We became friends in a moment of need. We walked closely, intimately. We became secret keepers. I remember one particular day, I had received heavy news and she showed up, climbed in my bed, and cried with me. That hasn’t happened many times or with many people, but she was there; and though there were very few words shared, her presence spoke volumes. 

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” Henri J. Nouwen 

We dreamed of building something together. It was audacious and bold and I don’t think I could have stepped into that dream without her. In the midst of our own brokenness, we hoped for something better and more beautiful for others and we walked steadily towards it. There was much planning, preparing, anticipating and ultimately we created and launched something NEW. Then as quickly as she had entered my world, she was gone. I was left in the wreckage to try and rebuild my heart and keep our dream alive. I know I am not one to let go easily and though I did claw at her shadow for a while, I also learned that I couldn’t chase her. I looked at her on a a consistent basis from across spaces and places and watched her walk away. The ache was real - it was a DEVASTATING GOODBYE - I was shattered. 

A year or so later, after having grieved, cried, and prayed for healing - we were together for a weekend of camp. I had just had a medical procedure that had significant complications and I had never been in so much pain. For years I had kept the truth about my head and how much I really dealt with therein hidden and then and there it was all exposed - there was no possible way to keep it quiet anymore - it was written on my face. God was at work and there was freedom coming, I desperately needed to let people in, to let people love me - all of me - pain and all, but in that moment, I could only feel the loss of the protection I had built up to keep people out. This was our reconciliation moment. She came and sat next to me on a bench and in her own humble and gentle way expressed her heart. In far less words and probably more with eyes of compassion she told me she loved me and cared and I told her I would always have a special place for her in my heart. I realized in that moment that nothing that became would have been possible without her - my God used her belief in me to give me the confidence and courage to run the race with endurance because that dream He had was not just for me - but for so many others. 

It has been four years since that dream took flight. Four years since she believed I could do it. On Friday night when we saw each other across that room it was only special and beautiful. We stole a few moments together and I told her again that nothing has changed - she still has that place in my heart. She told me she still believes I’m the right one to be leading our little dream that isn’t so small anymore…our dream that truly has a heartbeat and has grown steadily over time. Our dream that is named CHOSEN and I believe is the very PLAN AND PURPOSE God had for my life. On Saturday 24 teens showed up to CHOSEN - teens that get to see His love and His light because of a friendship and a dream and a God that is bigger than tears and wreckage who is at work redeeming and making something beautiful out of extraordinary messes.

What a beautiful thing to know that chapter title might get to be re-written someday…and perhaps the story is still unfolding…

keep loving more...

Let it be Jesus, the first name that I call. Any name other than Jesus will ONLY return emptiness and void and more frustration and disappointment. I am learning this lesson on repeat in life. I am learning that He has created me for more and that I love because He first loved me. It isn’t arbitrary and it isn’t just because it is reciprocal. It is because He commanded and even if I don’t FEEL it, it is a calling and a purpose and there is great value behind loving well in His name. 

I have lost many friendships, I have watched some change vastly and there is pain in that. I don’t think I should be used but I do think I have been sent out with a heart that looks different than many or perhaps even most. I have a capacity to give and to pour into others that is genuinely just how He made me. Perhaps it is that He gifted me uniquely and distinctly for His plan to love generously and to just lay it all out for those in my life. My best is to run alongside others and to give them much of myself - sometimes that is beautiful and sometimes it is devastating. There are seasons of both. Sometimes after the wreckage there is a pause…a period of silence and then there is a clear recognition of His purpose in a friendship even if I couldn’t have seen it before. I have seen His hand so clearly in exuberant joy and tears I thought might never end. 

I think I am growing and becoming - I think I am learning to listen more, to lean into Him, to be refilled and refueled by Him so that I can give more to others. I know that I will be misunderstood by many in my life, but I also know He is with me and He is for me. Lord, draw me close to you and let me call on YOUR NAME in my time of need - let me not look to any friend for companionship or approval or recognition in this life. Let me know fully that YOU ALONE are the fulfillment of every purpose, hope and dream and from the wellspring of YOUR GOODNESS may love pour out and flood the lives of those you place in my path that I would spread your name and renown. Would I be a vessel of YOU Lord without hesitation and without fear and without holding back. 

YOU ARE SO LOVED.

You are so loved. It is a statement I have heard a lot over the past few days. It is one that is undoubtedly true, and even still - I wrestle knowing what to do with it. BEING LOVED and FEELING LOVED are not necessarily the same thing. 

On Monday I turned 33. I knew it had the potential to be a challenging day - I prepared for it - anticipated it - and even still, the tears came. I have done a lot of growing and grieving over the past few years. I have said goodbye to a lot of friendships that have taken more than they have brought. I have created new boundaries and space in friendships that needed to be reoriented. I have said a lot of painful goodbyes, but I knew they were right. I have sought Him, desiring to be gracious and generous with those I love in this season. I have begged Him to allow me to be understanding - to give me compassion - to give me endurance and a willingness to show up and love well even though my life looks so different than most of those around me. I have asked Him to allow me to be a friend who chooses to draw near and embrace those dearest to me even when it hurts and is a reminder of what I long for and He has not yet provided for me. I have prayed for eyes to see those I might run alongside and pour into and He has been faithful to point me towards a few who have become wondrously dear and special. I KNOW I AM LOVED and I KNOW I LOVE WELL. 

Even still, in this space, I often find I am the one who shows up to give. Maybe that is the way He made me. Maybe I am called to be an initiator of relationship and to build community. Truth-telling - I think that is His best for all of us. Nevertheless, I tend to be the one sending the text to check in and putting the stamp on the envelope that goes out in the mail far more often than I am on the receiving end. Many days, I carry that role well and perhaps even as a badge of honor. I want to be one who loves in action. However, I knew this year I didn’t have the capacity to plan a birthday celebration. I knew with that decision came the potential for the day to come and go - but sometimes you just can’t ask to be celebrated. My heart just couldn’t take it. 

My best friend Amanda sent a package in advance so it was here waiting for me to open ON MY ACTUAL BIRTHDAY (she actually wrote on the box - DO NOT OPEN until March 12) and my parents sent a card. My friends Jim & Sandy Clark and Andy & Kathleen Clark asked if they could take me to dinner on Sunday (the day before) and we had a lovely evening eating delicious food and talking until far too late. They were the perfect people to send out 32 alongside - we have shared a lot of life together in the past year as we said goodbye to our Hoadies and welcomed Pax to this world…God has been good to us and it was true joy to be amongst those beloved friends at the table. Monday I went to work and my coworkers Jen and Tiffany took me to lunch and late in the afternoon flowers arrived from Amanda and the Roth boys - another reminder of how present she wanted to be to celebrate me. I got a video text from Anna and Adelynn with a sneak attack of Jeremiah and Daniel too and several other friends popped in my phone to send kind words of cheer. After work, I headed home - put on my pajamas - and got in bed to read a book. Alone. Not unseen or unwanted or forgotten - just alone. There was no dinner with a friend. There was no upcoming celebration on the calendar. It was a day - basically like any other. I was 33 and I was alone. I WAS SO LOVED and the words felt pretty empty and meaningless.

This is a season marked with waves of grief - with ongoing reminders that life is not what I expected and that the road is marked with so much more enduring than I would prefer. I gospel myself and spend a lot of time on my knees. I know truth and I believe wholeheartedly that I am approved and I am the beloved daughter of the King. Ultimately, that saving love is the only gift worth celebrating and one worthy of ALL THE PRAISE. I will continue to pursue others and to love generously and I pray that all I am experiencing and learning through this painful chapter of my life will allow me to sit next to someone someday and look into her eyes and tell her - I understand - in a way that means more to her than she can ever say. He promises to repay every tear with joy and that nothing is wasted - He is at work even in these moments and I choose to look to Him to restore and Rescue. I AM SO LOVED - even if I never feel it.