celebrate - even the insignificant.

I am in a season where things seem to be at a stand-still. I don’t know where life is headed or what God is asking or calling me toward. I seem to experience more loss and grieving of dreams than moments of tremendous joy. BUT I don’t want to live my life with that focus. I want to choose to celebrate the extraordinary ordinary…to see the best of this amazing and ridiculous life I’ve been given to live. I want to be light in darkness and hope in sorrow. SO today I decided to take a quick look back at the most defining accomplishments of my life to date…

- moved out of my parents house (& never moved back) 

- worked with World Changers in ministry alongside teens serving people living in low-income housing  projects. It was the best job I’ve ever had and for four (4) summers I served wholeheartedly and learned to love the unseen. PLUS I made the most incredible friends, while experiencing a LOT of the U.S.A.  

- graduated from CBU with a Bachelor of Arts in Communication & minor in Business 

- got my first real job at EvFree Fullerton in the Business Office w/ the incredible JIM CLARK! 

- decided that CHURCH is an absolute MUST for me in all seasons and stages & invested in relationships - lifegroup, community groups, missions, mentoring, leadership, etc.

- studied at Oxford and fell in LOVE with England - it was the first time I could envision living long-term outside the United States

- graduated with an MBA 

- got my second real job at AkinsParker Creative and saw so clearly how the Lord had orchestrated & prepared me for a position to totally fits my gifts 

- attended Teen Leadership Camp and knew I would return EVERY SUMMER FROM THEN ON & subsequently joined the leadership / strategy team for TLC and intentionally invested in the foster teen population 

- created CHOSEN, a monthly club for teens impacted by foster care in Orange County, that has given me great purpose and deep joy & truly taught me so much about serving others and being the love of Jesus  

- traveled to Budapest to work with Refugees and saw my heart for the orphan increase exponentially 

- traveled to Rwanda, Africa (twice) to serve orphaned and vulnerable teens and gained invaluable perspective and a heart of gratitude 

In the midst of all the major milestones, there have also been a million tiny but significant moments that have been SO JOYFUL in my life…weddings and babies and trips with dear friends…making new friends… being asked to join new ministries… serving with laughter and truly seeing the Lord provide abundantly even in unexpected ways. I KNOW He is faithful. May I rest there and wait patiently for Him to make clear what He has…and may I celebrate the seemingly insignificant in this in-between. 

a weighty goodbye

Over two years ago, March 2017 if we want to get specific, I said a bittersweet goodbye to some of my dearest friends Ty and Heather Hoad as they headed overseas to serve the least of these and share boldly the love of Jesus. I knew then that another goodbye was coming - but now it has arrived and I am not ready. I have long been an member of an incredible family - CLARK, CLARK, HOAD, SWOPE. However, with HOADS and LITTLE CLARKS serving internationally, it is very soon to be just CLARK, SWOPE. In a matter of days I will have to say goodbye to some of my best friends, Andy and Kathleen, as they leave for Europe to proclaim the gospel and shine light in the darkness. 

I am so happy for them. 

I am so sad for me. 

I don’t really have words to encapsulate the gift it has been to walk together with Andy & Kathleen. It all started in early 2016 when we were team leaders with the EvFree Mission Initiative: LOVE EUROPE. I was honored to lead teams to Budapest and they led a team to England. We were fast friends. Something about our love for the nations and desire to live with the heart of the King sparked a connection that was deep and we have been present and invested in relationship ever since. It is hard to imagine my life being AS JOYFUL without the companionship of my besties - who else is going to dive in for trips to Cinnabon…hit up all the appetizers at happy hour… or decide (with exuberance) the only option is donuts & ice-cream in a single day. It won’t be the same when I can’t bump into the little Clarks on the plaza on a Sunday morning. I have no idea who is going to call me perfect - Kathleen is the one who has always done that! We have celebrated birthdays and christmases and even rang in a New Year or two. We have been faithful in prayer, and dedicated in love. 

I keep coming back to the gravity goodbye. Some are simple and easy; others hold so much weight. For me, people are my greatest joy and not having those I love around means life is just a little less vibrant and bright. I am confident the Lord will provide (and already see His hand so clearly) and trust He is in control. Even still, there is deep sorrow in letting go of the everyday extraordinary with these people who mean so very much to me. 

I am grateful, I am changed, and I can’t wait to ring in the New Year in Europe (fingers crossed, obviously).

Goodbye little Clarks - may you always know how much you truly mean to me. 

love you equals. 

detours.

We have all experienced them. 

They’re confusing and for someone who is directionally impaired (ME!) they come with feelings of frustration, aggravation, and perhaps even defeat as we find ourselves totally lost. 

I would like to believe that we improve in our resolve as we face the unavoidable unexpected in life; and yet I find that no matter how old I get, I am still shaken. Somewhere deep down, that tiny human version of myself hoping to be seen and understood and waiting for life to actualize as anticipated lives on. 

I remember being a teenager and having my dad kiss me on the cheek and tell me I didn’t need to kiss any boys, I would always him. Then I got a little older and he said I was ONLY allowed to kiss him. Then I hit college and he invited me to go ahead and give it a go - perhaps there was a really good guy out there for me to kiss. When I was 21 I called my dad and told him I had kissed a boy for the first time… I don’t think any of us thought for one second that it would be such an isolated experience. I am now 34-years-old and I am still waiting for my next kiss. I’ve waited as I watched so many of my dearest friends walk down the aisle and become wives…I waited as they had babies…and NOW I am waiting as the girls I mentor - ones who are 10+ years younger than me get their turn at wedding bliss. 

Being single is one of the major detours in my life. 

Don’t get me wrong - there is beauty in the unexpected turns… 

Singleness led me to invest in foster care ministry… it has allowed me the time and space to truly show up and be present in the lives of my people. It has meant becoming AuntShell to so many adorable tiny humans and finding true joy in loving them. And it sent me to Africa, an experience that literally changed my life. I am grateful to be single - most of the time. 

And yet - on a day like today when my childhood best friends are together on vacation in Mammoth - with all their kiddos - I can’t help but look at the pictures and see the hole where my baby could be. The space I grew up thinking I would fit so perfectly within. I know that won’t ever have those moments with them…I won’t ever be a mama alongside my people. Truth telling, I actually don’t know that I’ll be a mama at all. For whatever reason, God has said that isn’t His best for my story today.

So what do you do when you’re still waiting. Where do you find hope as you navigate the detour that is still winding along? Let the tears fall…take a deep breath…steady your spirit and wait on.

Psalm 5:3, “In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.”