our best Christmas yet...

Over the weekend I celebrated Christmas with my lifelong best friends Anna and Jenny. Yes, you read that correctly. It took us until April 28 to get together for Christmas. This is REAL LIFE. Anna’s kids have birthdays in December and January. I have family out of state so I travel at Christmas. Jenny had an infant in the fall. We wanted to make it work, but sometimes you just have to look at reality and decide that sanity is more valuable, take a deep breath, and choose to celebrate when the time is right instead of FORCING FUN as the date dictates. It was ABSOLUTELY the best decision we could have ever made.

This weekend, we went to Liberty Station in San Diego and brought the gaggle of children who played together with enthusiasm. Jeremiah basically laid all over this amazingly friendly dog while Cami Jay stayed locked in her stroller and Adelynn and Juliette ran around in circles. Adelynn talked nonstop and we bribed Juliette to speak, but still aren’t convinced Jenny is telling the truth about her skills. We ate Mexican food and drank beer and the kids pretended to finish their hot dogs! Really Juliette fed me spoonfuls of her rice and Adelynn ate her french fries while living on the promises of ice-cream! 

Honestly it was a scene straight from my imagination. We dog-piled and sang “down by the bay” and I got to kiss all those babies over and over. I wasn’t sad for even a moment. I have had so many seasons and spaces where looking at those kids all together would have made my heart want to EXPLODE into a million pieces, but the Lord has been so faithful and kind to restore and repair my heart. He has reminded me time and time again that He is near and present and at work. Earlier in the weekend, while at the Beth Moore conference I heard the words, “He still has a surprise in store for you” and I want to let that sink in deeply - I have repeated it numerous times since. As I watched those amazingly beautiful kids run around, it felt like a true gift just to be in their lives. To love them. To laugh with them. To play with them. To have this time to give to them. This moment in time is special and I do not want to waste it WAITING for what is next. I want to be FULLY PRESENT RIGHT NOW. I want to hope and cling tightly to the belief that there is a SURPRISE IN STORE FOR ME, my greatest dreams are coming, and all the while I am living something beautiful and wondrous! 

Anna, Jenny and I have been exchanging ornaments since we were little girls. When Anna and Jenny had babies, they passed the tradition on - hey everyone needs MORE ornaments for their tree, right?! SO now I give ornaments to Anna and Jenny and because I don’t have kids yet, auntshell gives the kids a BOOK. My kids will exchange ornaments with their kids should that day ever come, but it is generation to generation - so I’m still in the ONE ORNAMENT CLUB. Anna gives an ornament to Jenny and then Adelynn and Jeremiah give ornaments to Juliette and Cami Jay. Same story for Jenny only reversed: Jenny gives an ornament to Anna and Juliette and Cami Jay give them to Adelynn and Jeremiah. It’s basically the cutest thing ever. This year we had a bit of a carfuffle because we gifted in a public place, and there are three-year-olds amongst us, and glass ornaments. So we celebrated Christmas in April which was already probably a spectacle and long story short - Anna’s crew ended up with one ornament that I had actually hung on her tree at Christmas (woohooo Africa angel) and one truck that somehow unintentionally went home with Jenny and was thereby saved. The glass ornament was shattered and all the others were tossed because they were wrapped in crinkled up paper for safe keeping and looked suspiciously like garbage - so out they went when Daniel threw away the remnants from dinner, like a good tidy dad! CHEERS TO CHRISTMAS 2017 friends.

Truth-telling, my heart is still rejoicing from our evening of togetherness. It was a night of belonging like we haven’t had in such a long time and it was exactly what I needed. I am praising the Lord for the gift of peace and contentment in a season that has looked so much like wrestling and longing. I know it can swing back that direction any time - but right now - today - I am just glad for a bit of merry and jubilation - even if it isn’t even remotely close to Christmas! Perhaps there was a tiny hint of a Christmas miracle holding out for a spring night…for three friends who just needed to all come home. 

life in the ...

I am realizing more and more that we live life in the ellipsis. We want to believe that our stories start with a capital letter and run in sentences with clean punctuation. We want to believe it will be simple, but the truth is, it never really works that way. We are virtually always on a path marked by a … trusting God to direct the in-between. We find ourselves wondering, waiting, hoping, longing, praying that the One who sees and knows will make clear the next steps we are to take so we can ultimately find the period. 

In a matter of days, my dear sweet friend Amanda is moving to Texas. We have already said our goodbyes. There is a heaviness in my heart - once again it feels as if God is stripping away the richest and the best. As I stood at the front door at her goodbye party on Saturday evening, after hugging her for the 12th time that night, I realized our ellipsis had arrived. I always knew she would go. Years ago we sat at a little cafe table and discussed whether God would call her back to Africa or perhaps to China - but we knew she would go - we always knew TOGETHER would not be our long-term story. Then she met Tanner Wayne, a pilot in the United States Airforce and within days of first hearing about him on the phone, God graciously began to whisper “get ready” to my heart - I knew she would marry him. I remember exactly where I was when I got the text from Tanner including a picture of a ring. I sat on a bench and watched Amanda try on wedding dresses. I was there when she walked down the aisle, when they made their vows, when they kissed, when they danced. Then in what seemed like a blink I was there to hear the news they were expecting and prayed alongside my Mands, a mama-to-be, as she faithfully trusted the Lord with her son. Then came the midnight texts that labor had begun and Haddon Wayne would soon be arriving. I got to cuddle that sweet boy just days after he was born and have watched him grow over the past 6-months. We have lived an extraordinary ordinary together in the past four years. And, as I walked out that front door, following our goodbye, we entered our ellipsis. 

Selfishly, I want to know what comes next. I don’t want to live in the in-between. I want to know that when I meet my handsome hunk she will be there to see the ring… that she’ll be sitting on a bench as I try on wedding dresses and she’ll be my matron of honor alongside Anna and Emily, which means crafting together and throwing all sorts of shenanigans... I want to run into each other at church or say I need a coffee date just open up our calendars to make it happen... Selfishly, I want at least one of my best friends IN TOWN. I want more than booking a flight a few months out and counting down the days until our next hug... everything is a maybe now... everything is a HOPE.  

Life in the ellipsis means wondering what God has in store and where He is going to move and how and when. Truth be told, that kind of trust isn’t my favorite. I don’t like the stripped down and clinging to Him alone, but I know without any doubt that is best. Christ alone. Forever - waiting on Him to move - and then running and chasing after Him. Hard. Knowing regardless of who is physically there beside me, I have Him, and He has provided exactly what I need. It might hurt and it might be hard, but it is right. So here we go - to text messages and emails and FaceTime dates. To best friends around the world and knowing He is at work even as I wait for Him to reveal exactly what He is doing. I surrender all ... and I will live WITH HIM in the ellipsis. 

It is Well...

On Sunday evening I had the opportunity to sit across from my very first friend from college (C-B-WHAT, C-B-WHAT, C-B-U! C-B-U!!) Lisa Laird. She lives in Phoenix and we don’t get to see each other often - she is a mama to three and that is beyond a full-time job. Nevertheless, when the opportunity arises, aka. the annual trip to Disneyland comes around - we make the space every single time. We met in Downtown Disney at the Jazz Kitchen for Irish Coffee and beignets. 

>> Quick diversion - Lisa bought me my very first drink. It wasn’t my birthday, or a special occasion of any kind actually. I was over 21 because I am THAT kind of girl and as I think it was just a random night when she was visiting CBU after she had already graduated. It wasn’t the least bit glamorous - I am pretty sure we stopped at the 7-11 near campus and we were all freaked out someone would see us - and by we I probably just mean I was freaked out - Lis wouldn’t have gotten in trouble at all - she wasn’t even a student. I am a rule follower THROUGH AND THROUGH, so to the core I’m sure this was difficult for me. I couldn’t tell you what I drank that night but probably a Smirnoff ice or something else entirely ridiculous, I probably kept it in the brown bag the ENTIRE TIME, and I bet I felt like a TOTAL rebel, and absolutely LOVED it! >> 

As Lisa and I sat across that table and talked, gratitude rushed in. Lisa was literally the first person I met at CBU. We lived on 1C and I had arrived early for CHOIR CAMP (aka hell week for choir nerds) and Lis was there early because her older sister was focus leader (in charge of orientation) and needed to arrive in advance of all the newbies. God could have placed anyone in my path that first day - but He chose Lisa. We were dear friends throughout our college days - I watched her date and ultimately dump her first college boyfriend (drama), hung out in her apartment while I was still living it up in dorm land, watched her graduate, move back to Phoenix, and ultimately marry Mike. All these years later, I am still unspeakably thankful for His divine provision. Lisa’s heartbeat is for Christ and her desire is to honor and serve Him wholeheartedly. 

The beauty of a friendship years deep is you can usually pick right up where we left off, never skipping a beat. Lisa is undoubtedly in a busy and overwhelming season - she has a full plate with all those babies looking to her to meet literally all their needs. I think our time together was a bit of a pause for her - but I sensed the rest she needed was much greater - she needed Him to allow her to be still. As our conversation continued, she began expressing that very thing. She yearned to hunger for Him, but was so weary and exhausted that she didn’t even know how to find the space to seek after Him. She found herself opening the Word only to read the same verse over and over because nothing would sink in within what seemed only seconds available before a child woke up or needed to be picked up from school or just wanted mama. I found my heart softening. In His abundant mercy, the Lord has allowed me to walk this road in a unique way because I have a lot of mommy friends and I have been learning much about striving after God myself. I began to share from my journey. 

What if this season is about resting with God versus performing for Him? What if in an approval based society, we feel as though He is looking for us to read His word or underline truths and write in the columns of our Bibles; but really, He wants you to turn on a worship song in your house and paint your nails? What if He wants you to go on a walk with your kids and point out the flowers He created and just breathe in the beauty of His majesty all around you. What if He wants you to have a cup of coffee and cry - just come before Him and let it out in honesty? Maybe this season is about sitting WITH God versus proving yourself TO Him? 

I watched the tears well up in her eyes. As a perfectionist and deep seeker of approval myself, these have NOT been easy things for me to wrap my brain around, but I am trying to listen to the truth that our good and faithful Father created us beautifully and perfectly in His image and there is not ONE THING we need to DO to EARN His approval. I am familiar with the art of striving, and the weight that comes along with it. I continued to share. 

I think sometimes we really need to hear that He is proud of us exactly where we are RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT. We don’t need to do one thing. You are His beloved - His beautiful daughter and He doesn’t look on you with disappointment or expectation. He merely HOPES that You will actually choose to draw close, to approach the throne and know His arms are open wide, ready to receive you. There is no anger and there should be no fear. His grace is sufficient for our weakness, for our season of inability, for our lacking. He is enough, we don’t have to do anything but BE. 

I looked at my beautiful friend, so obviously exhausted from real life, and said “dearest Lis, It is Well.” 

We had been at that table for over four hours - the restaurant had long closed and virtually everyone had departed, but we still took a moment to cry together. It was profound and beautiful, a reminder that God orchestrates friendships. Some may last for only a season, while others are designed to be deep and significant for much longer. This space in my life - of somewhat alone and so very different than what I imagined - of walking in a reality that looks unlike that of those I love most has been hard. But let me tell you, it has allowed me to draw near to my King and to learn so much about His desire for us to abide with Him, in Him. And in that moment, in the midst of the chaos and hurry of Downtown Disney, the night grew still and the lights began to twinkle. I have absolutely no doubt that our Heavenly Father was REJOICING over us as He heard his sweet girls talking about Him, learning new ways to draw near, and perhaps finding hope once more. 

#shellisfunat31 {especially with bubbly and besties}

My hashtag for the year is #shellisfunat31 because if I’m really honest - that isn’t always the easiest. When your head hurts all the time, there is a lot of pushing through and trying to enjoy things to the best of your ability regardless of how it all actually FEELS. Sometimes I have to literally CHOOSE fun. And 31 is a year where I am trying to prioritize laughter and adventure a little bit more. I tend to exist in the heavy and need to err towards brevity and light so I can cling to hope and keep walking forward. 

A few weekends ago I grabbed hold of that hashtag for all it was worth and spent a Saturday with some of my very favorite people. With well over 100 texts exchanged to bring it all to life, it was SO VERY WORTH IT. After months of chatting Anna, Jenny, Carrie and I united in Temecula for wine tasting and delicious eats, for a day where world’s collided and best friends met and laughter was undoubtedly a key ingredient. In retrospect I probably should have been nervous to have friends from different chapters of my life meeting - they definitely could have ganged up on me - but it was such a wonderful and sweet thing to all be together. I have truly watched the Lord continue to solidify in my heart a deep knowing and settled sense of my friends’ devoted love for me and their desire to see me life a full and rich life. 

Carrie and I started our journey south at 10:00am armed with Starbucks (an iced coffee with 2 pumps of white mocha for me and a berry something or other with absolutely NO REMNANT OF COFFEE whatsoever for my best) and Anna and Daniel had already been on the road north with sweet Adelynn for over 30 minutes. I thought they were going to beat us by a long shot but they encountered a big accident and let’s just say the cute little voice in the backseat saying “out?” just wasn’t that cute after a while. Anna virtually LOST HER MIND. Hence the barrage of text messages. She threatened to go home but she stayed the course - she’s a tough one! We were approximately an hour late for our lunch reservations at Gourmet Italia but were delighted to find the restaurant virtually empty and promptly ordered beverages of the adult variety. I had a Prosecco and it was served with a strawberry perched on the rim - delightful. After lunch we headed to “the winery with the glass floor” because Anna remembered the view being spectacular - thanks to google we determined that is Monte De Oro and Anna was indeed correct, it is GORGEOUS. We endured the line to obtain our tasting cards and the real jackass of a guy in front of us who had absolutely zero manners and then promptly turned them in for an entire glass of whatever their bubbly was so we could sit out on the patio and take in the afternoon. We chatted. We took pictures. We people watched and talked about the totally unfortunate and desperately uncomfortable looking bachelorette wear. We debated about fanny packs - Anna is a yes but the rest of us are a firm pass. I decided I really need some black lace shorts because that cute girl who wasn’t a size zero by the way was ROCKING them and if she can do it dang it I CAN TOO. On our way out we used the self timer to be sure we FULLY captured the glory of the day. Then we headed back to Jenny’s house for a delicious dinner of Carne Asada and all the fixings. We left STUFFED to the brim - both bellies and heart. It was a wonderful day and I’m so glad we made it happen. 

It was a day of living in the moment. Of soaking it up and embracing it. Of cherish the people and the escape. I need that and I loved it. #shellisfunat31 - OH YES SHE IS. 

THESE...

30 was hard. Brutally painful. Maybe wretched. It was the kind of year that virtually destroyed me, one I will be relatively glad to leave behind. It was a year where I claimed hope and tried desperately to live fully in the vibrancy of all that could come but was greeted instead by physical pain, emotional wreckage, and an emptiness I had never known before. BUT in the midst of the horrible awful, the heartbreaking, the tears, there was also gloriously beautiful and amazingly bright. There was falling on my knees and seeing Jesus in a new way. there was learning over and over and over that He is a Good Father and I am loved by Him. There was undeniable growth that will be valued for years to come. AND there were some graciously kind and tremendously generous people who chose to carry me in the midst of the sorrow, through the buried dreams, who walked with me even in the darkest nights and cheered me on without hesitation. THESE are my people. I couldn’t do life without them and I cherish them to the very depths and core of my being. THESE are the women who see my beauty even when I can’t see it myself. They are gifts beyond measure and as I march toward 31 I just wanted to take a moment to reflect, to breathe deeply, to celebrate the beauty of weathering the storm together, and to stop and count it all joy.

to my sar...

TODAY is March 1 - a day I have been celebrating for over a decade - the day on which my World Changers best friend has her birthday and is older than me for a total of 11 days. Today I got to talk to sweet Sara on the telephone for a few minutes and it was SO GOOD for my soul. We haven’t seen each other since June 2015 and we miss each other for sure, but we have learned through the years how to cherish each other and carry on from afar. We are super close with the voicemail lady (she is sometimes a hag, she likes to cut you off, interrupt you, abruptly end your call, etc.) and we send each other cards and packages, we talk of airline miles and dream of adventuring together. 

Throughout the years the Lord has been abundantly gracious and allowed us to get ridiculously carsick, airplane sick, and boat sick all in the name of BEING TOGETHER and I honestly wouldn’t change a single experience. In the words of PLUS ONE (the Christian boy band of the 2000’s) “for you I’d take the last flight out.” 

In honor of today and how special my sweet Sar is, I decided to look back, and spend a few moments remembering (and laughing) at some of my favorite memories with my best friend…

>> Sara and I met in Shreveport, Louisiana the summer of 2004 - I was on WC Summer Staff and she was there to help the Project Coordinator Shawn Doss as we worked with teens from across the country as they poured their hearts into construction projects in the hottest hot of summer to help low-income families see the love of Jesus. OH MY GOSH we laughed so hard that first week we shared together. One of my teammates, Nathan was a vegetarian and when he fell asleep on a pile of t-shirts and there were leftover steaks in the fridge we couldn’t help ourselves but slide one right under his cheek - he didn’t wake up thrilled but we videotaped the entire encounter - it was worth it. Shawn tried desperately to sleep in one morning - I mean he went all out - to the extent that he hung aluminum foil in his windows to block the sun. So we pulled the Tahoe right up to his door and laid on that horn. If we had to get up with the kids, so did he. We ate ham bread for about 3 days straight and then realized there was an Arby’s at the bottom of the hill - we went to Arby’s for the next 7 days and I still don’t regret it. And we will NEVER forget PSSSSSADAS - literally the best mexican food in Louisiana. 

>> I somehow got assigned to Shreveport, Louisiana again in summer 2005 as well so Sara came back with Shawn and we gave her the honorary title, Transition Coordinator. Again, the laughter COULD NOT BE CONTAINED. Because we had worked together the summer before and were familiar, someone thought we were worthy of being handed keys to a golf cart that year. FALSE. When the pizza and cinnastix for the entire crew arrived but then the cinnastix were no where to be found, well, I could have told you where to find them - because Sara and I ate them ALL - we hid them in the t-shirt closet so we enjoyed cinnastix all day. OH MY GOSH we had so much fun. 

>> In 2006 Sara and I were on World Changers Summer Staff TOGETHER! We were both Office Managers and got into all kinds of trouble at training. Bryant Laird and Ashley thought it would be a genius idea to separate us so we’d be quiet. Little did they know we would just talk louder, or chat on IM via our computers. We won every round of fact or crap, and will never forget our fellow staffer who asked us (legitimately asked us) “how do you open a flip phone” bless her heart. 

>> 2007 brought SEVERAL memories of Sara - I think we saw each other a record 3 times that year! Our first reunion was in January when I flew out for coordinators retreat and my sweet friend drove several hours just so she could pick me up from the airport to hug me - literally - she is THAT dear. That spring brought her FIRST trip to California! We attempted to get on The Price is Right and failed but thoroughly enjoyed our day in Santa Monica and met the VERY WORST Cinderella of ALL time at a CBU tradition - Recess. That summer we both returned to Georgia for summer staff training (and spend our very last summer working for World Changers). At the end of the summer Sara actually came back to GA for my debriefing and we spent a few days together in August getting manicures and pedicures, sipping cocktails (because we weren’t on staff anymore) keeping Susan Whitley up late into the night even though she was officially an adult and working at her big girl job at NAMB, eating donuts (the spinks mix) and soaking up as much time as possible knowing we didn’t know WHEN we would see each other next…that goodbye was enormously difficult. 

>> In 2008 Sara came to California AGAIN! She is a gem! I was working on my masters so I couldn’t travel because of my rigorous class schedule and international study program in Oxford, but sweet Sara still made me a priority. We started the trip with pedicures - and as I recall THAT was the pedicure where they lined the tub with a garbage bag - that felt sketchy. So I made up for it by taking her to Disneyland for the VERY FIRST TIME (the first thing we did was eat ice-cream. Seriously - that’s just us!) Also on that trip I took her on the walk of stars and we saw WICKED. 

>> Perhaps one of our very BEST adventures came in summer 2009 when I graduated with my MBA and she finished her bachelors - naturally we gifted each other a cruise. I flew to Alabama and we sailed to the Caribbean. We watched “tan pants” dance and it was horrifically hilarious. We snorkeled (and the photographer made us hold hands - what?) and almost died in the heat of the ruins of Tulum (we HATE ruins). We took pictures on the ship as the breeze blew through our tassels and legitimately celebrated together - it was all kinds of glorious and I was SO proud to be there next to her in such a highlight moment of our lives. 

>> In 2010 Sara came BACK to California a 3rd time and we beached…then hit the rainbow outlet…my favorite place to see the sunset on this planet - Carlsbad - the Carlsbad outlets and then made our way to San Diego to meet the parental units - it was time. We ate froyo at The Yogurt Mill - a must do when visiting east county and we said goodbye far too quickly. 

>> 2011 brought my turn to see Sara’s homeland so off to Sweet Home Alabama I went! We headed straight to Gulf Shores for some fun in the sun (a totally different kind of sun than you typically have in California, so this little white girl got her a burn and not a lovely tan like her best friend Sar). And then spent some time in NOLA because it will ALWAYS have a piece of my heart (+ there is Cafe Du Monde with iced cafe au lait and beignets!) plus Shawn Doss was there for a Hope Mission Trip so we had to show some support. It was a WONDERFUL trip - they’re always way too good. 

>> In 2012 Sar came to CA AGAIN (we did a lot of back and forth for years y’all - we really did get good at it). We headed back to The Diz and then saw Hairspray, we ate and lazed around a lot actually - we had hit the point where it was so good to just be together we didn’t really even care what we did, we just wanted to talk and catch up and be face to face.

A lot of life happened between that trip and 2015 when we saw each other the next time. My brother joined the army and moved to Hawaii, so my vacation time quickly became allotted to traveling to hug nieces and love on family. Sara and I both got crazy busy jobs and adult life got real in a seemingly different way. We loved each other the same, but our face to face time definitely dwindled. In 2015 the Lord was generous beyond measure and allowed Sar to have her gastric sleeve surgery in Orange County and I got to stand by her side through the entire experience. It was a joy and an honor to hold her hand and pray for her in those moments before and after - I would have never imagined I would get to be next to her for that, but God sees far beyond what we ask - and gave us a good gift in that time. 

I’m not entirely sure when we will hug next, but my goodness just hearing her voice on the phone makes my heart sing His praises. A friendship over a decade strong - built on the firm foundation of serving Christ together - loving well despite the distance - hearing each other’s hearts first and showing up in whatever means possible. It is a beautiful thing to be a dear friend - and Sara is one of the very best! Happy Birthday Sar! Cheers to 31! 

thoughts on friendship {nobody's cuter than you}

Contrary to what I so often represent on this blog, I actually DO read books (in addition to watching a ridiculous amount of somewhat questionable television and listening to copious quantities of podcasts) and have always loved to read. Do any of y’all remember those amazing contests in elementary school where you would earn personal pan pizzas for reading? I was the QUEEN of those! Anyway, I finished a book over the weekend because the weather was absolutely delightful and beckoned me to grab my World Changers quilt and an iced coffee and come outside to read - and for the first time in a really long time - I actually had the space in my life to listen! 

I finished the most heartwarming book, “Nobody’s Cuter than You” by Melanie Shankle, the author of the Big Mama blog. It’s a memoir about the beauty of friendship and anyone who knows me knows #friendsaremypeople. I am so grateful the Lord has been abundantly gracious to me and allowed me to walk closely alongside some of the most extraordinarily beautiful women I have ever met. “You hear so many people talk about finding their soul mates only in relation to who they marry, but I think that, as women, our real soul mates are often found when we recognize some version of ourselves in someone else.” I have been gifted with friends who truly feel more like family, who through the most beautiful and heart wrenching moments of my life have found ways to see me through. I am almost 31 and don’t have a husband. I’ve never been in a relationship, and I know the meaning of loneliness and longing. And yet these women have been my nearest and dearest. They have heard my heart, wiped my tears, carried my pain and made me laugh until it hurts more times than I can count. They have let me celebrate their joys, meet their husbands, hold their babies, and sit on their couches (sometimes way too late into the night). We have talked about utter ridiculousness like nail polish colors and lippy love and also the deepest and most profound parts of our hearts. We have shared countless meals and celebrated many a birthday or Christmas together. They are the very best part of life. They see the good, the bad, the beautifully ordinary, they know my ugly and yet they love me even still and often champion for the me I sometimes cannot even see. "A good friend will love you, support you, and cheer you on A good friend doesn't make you feel inadequate or like you're not good enough. A good friend won't dump you when someone better comes along or ask you to compromise who you are and what you believe. There are few things in life worth having as much as a few close friends, and it's worth trading popularity for authenticity.It's worth going deeper and finding people who will love you for your real, authentic, broken self."

Throughout the years, I have had to let some I’ve loved walk away, it has broken me and left me kneeling at the cross asking for His healing. That loss has also helped me realize the treasure it is to have true friends and the importance of loving them well. "Ultimately, the only way to immerse yourself in true, deep friendship is to be willing to jump in with both feet, arms wide open, for whatever it will be." I don’t love wondering if I will get hurt. I know the answer to that question. Humanity is a painful reality and yet we have the love of a Savior and in that love we get to give away pieces of our hearts. We get to entrust ourselves to the care of others and we get to see Him do things far more beautiful than we could have ever imagined. Loving is worth the cost. Walking through life together is worth the tears, worth the hard conversations, worth the growing that is required. And it is the good kind of hard. "Some roads we travel in life can feel like the ones that might break us but that's why God surrounds us with people who will cheer us on and wipe our tears and listen as we pour out our hearts. Because often, it's not what you say but what you do that really matters." Throughout the years, I have learned to show up, to love well, to pour out, to come close, to draw near. I have learned how to pray consistently, to listen often, to say less, to be intentional and consistent, to write their things on my heart and attempt to remember them later. I have learned to respond when the Spirit nudges and to DO that thing He asks because chances are that thing really does matter. I have learned the blessing of mourning when they mourn and rejoicing when they rejoice. 

So… to Anna, to Emy, to Carrie, to Mands, to J and to Shanzie, and to the many others who have held my heart and helped me navigate this life… I would not be the woman I am today without you. Thank you for teaching me so much about my heart, about how to love well, about what it means to celebrate others and the joy it is to cherish the people the Lord has placed in our path. Thank you for allowing me to be broken and honest and loving me through my flaws. Thank you for seeing the best in me and cheering me on. Thank you for feeling like home. " 'Your friendship was a miracle-wonder, love far exceeding anything I've known - or hope to know' (2 Samuel 1:26, The Message). Ultimately, that's what God has given us in the people he has placed in our lives as He knits our souls with theirs: a miracle. A grace-filled, life-changing, soul-refreshing miracle..."

Now…go read the book, obviously it’s worth it…so so worth it…and love well…because my gosh friendship is a gift in abundance and a lifetime’s not too long to live as friends! 

Mrs. Amanda Roth.

And just like that, she went from Miss Amanda Jennifer Young to Mrs. Amanda Roth…

On Friday, February 19, I watched with hints of tears glistening in my eyes as one of my very bests walked down the aisle towards her love, Tanner Wayne Roth. She looked absolutely glorious and because I had shared so much of the journey with her, I fully understood the weight and hope and answered prayers and excitement and joy she carried in each step. I heard about “her buddy Tanner” as Amanda saw him in the airport early one May morning as I prayed with her before she headed to Chicago for an ISM conference…little did I know… Then I heard SO MUCH MORE upon her return home. I think it was that night after I hugged her goodbye and went back inside and began washing dishes that I prayed, and through tears I whispered the words, “I know Lord, I know she’ll marry him.” Oh how grateful I am for the ways I was able to lean in and draw close to my sweet friend as she began dating, and then ultimately fell in love with Tanner. When he deployed I got to hear so much of her heart and walk that road with her hand in hand. Praying together through the darkest days and rejoicing in His glorious gifts as well. I remember the day she finally admitted she was in love with “Tandor the great” - she did it so subtly. She was renting a room in Placentia and it wasn’t necessarily everything she had envisioned when it came to sleeping there. I asked her how long she was planning to endure and she said something about it depending on how things went when Tanner came home…aka…she didn’t think she would NEED to be there long because very likely rings and wedding talk were in the near future. She was right and the engagement season was one I will forever treasure. I designed and dreamed and dress shopped and planned and prayed and partnered with Mands - the bridey - in all things blissfully beautiful. I got to be one of her right hand girls and helped make her wedding day dreams come true. I helped throw a lovely shower and was honored to be part of her day of treats, there were dress fittings and crafternoons, we have more emails and texts than I could ever count. So on Friday as I watched her walk down that aisle radiant in the iconic bridal glow, the tears in my eyes revealed the joy deep in my heart as I overflowed with gratitude. I listened to her vows knowing her heart for the Lord and for her husband, knowing her deep and unwavering commitment, her steadfast and strong desire to be faithful, and choosing to share in her covenant, knowing it will be my great honor and privilege to support and encourage her as she loves her husband and serves him all the days of her life. What a joy it is to write #thetalesofabridesmaid. 

a shower for the future Mrs. Roth

One month from today my beautiful Amanda will walk down the aisle towards her love Tanner Wayne Roth wearing an absolutely exquisite dress (that I am so grateful I have gotten see many glimpses of) and make vows before God, before family, before cherished friends and she become Mrs. Amanda Jennifer Young Roth. I cannot believe the big day is nearly here. So in celebration, today seems like an appropriate day to post about her beautiful bridal shower, a day that I will treasure whenever I think back upon this season we have shared.

As soon as sweet Amanda was engaged and it was confirmed that I was bridesmaid #10, shower planning became a hot topic of conversation and I was so blessed and honored to throw her personal shower alongside her hilarious and absolutely delightful sister Ashley (also known as Shleyb, Shleybs, or my personal favorite Shleybert). Amanda has a pretty distinct style, so very quickly we settled on burlap and lace with touches of quirky and fun and lots of intentional sentimentality. We had our first official planning meeting just before Thanksgiving and then kicked things into HIGH GEAR with a champagne crafternoon. Invitations went out on December 09, exactly one month prior to the big event and I am proud to say that Amanda cried when she saw them. As a designer, that is the ultimate dream. Shleybert and I laughed our way through the chaos and came up with details galore in hopes of making it a day she would long remember.

Perhaps our very favorite of all the decor items was this amazing fringy bits with "ROTH EST 2016" hanging delicately below. It became the baseline for all other pieces we designed. The entire shower was built around the letter "R" and the very real idea that Amanda is the future Mrs. Roth. The best "R" was the twine wrapped "R" that Shleyb spent at least an hour creating. It is a beauty and if she has anything to say about it, it will be prominently displayed at Roth manor for many years to come! The guestbook was a Bible engraved with Roth est. 2016 on the cover. Each guest was asked to underline her favorite Scripture and then leave a note on an accompanying bookmark so Amanda and Tanner have a family Bible filled with encouragement and love to use as a reference point and a place to turn when they need hope or joy or help. The Bible will also be present at their next shower and the rehearsal dinner and I pray it will be one of their most treasured possessions.

Amanda and I were chatting just a few days before the shower and she confessed she was nervous not many people were coming and that it would be a tinge disappointing. I quietly reminded her that once she arrived she would enjoy every single person there and be so abundantly blessed by their presence. In actuality, almost every person who received an invitation was there to celebrate beside her. With the exception of a few out of town guests, the house was a bustle with her dearest friends and loved ones who absolutely adore our amazingly huge-hearted bride. Amanda is beloved by many and has given much to those the Lord has placed in her midst. It was such a pleasure to pour my heart into her and create a day that acknowledged who she is in Christ and who she has been for each one of us as she moves into this new season of life with Tanner. My love for her is deep and I am profoundly grateful for our friendship. She is truly a gift beyond measure and I know the Lord gave me something rich and profoundly beautiful in allowing us to walk together.

There are some final design things for the wedding day that Mands and I are working on together and Shleyb and I are finalizing plans for "Amanda's Day of Treats" with these lovely ladies! The countdown is definitely on...

30 years is not enough...

Well, let’s just say it wasn’t quite the weekend I expected…

I went to San Diego to celebrate Adelynn Rae’s 1st birthday. And truth be told we did just that. On Saturday evening around a table at Sammy’s Woodfired Pizza, just her mommy, her daddy, and me (aunt shell). A waiter placed a ridiculously large and delicious chocolate sundae in front of her and we sang to the birthday girl. She lit up and Anna blew out her candle. She put her hand into the chocolatey mess without hesitation and reached back in multiple times enjoying every second of the ooey-gooey delight. We took pictures and laughed at her. Moments of perfection, emblazoned upon my brain. I will cherish them. 

On either side of that birthday sundae, Anna I cut snowflakes, and hung garland as we turned the house into Adelynn’s winter ONEderland in anticipation of her (perhaps slightly ridiculous) big bad birthday party scheduled for Sunday evening. There were approximately 60 people coming to celebrate the birthday girl and when I left Saturday night, there was still much to do! We had spent quite a bit of time planning and designing and crafting and Sunday was the big day. I saw Anna at church that morning, she even sang, however as she left church she said she wasn’t doing very well and might have to lie down at home for a while. Anna had already told me that on Friday she had horrible pain…and Saturday she had some definite hard moments but then was doing much better…but the pain was back…and Anna was pregnant so we knew what it could potentially mean. I went to coffee and by the time I headed to Anna’s house she had decided she needed to go to the ER. I stayed with sweet Adelynn and continued party prep while waiting for news from the ultrasound. Too soon I got the text that read, “no heartbeat.” I cried for my dear friend knowing the pain that would accompany that loss. And held sweet Adelynn tight for a moment. Then came the second text - it was an ectopic pregnancy and it ruptured - she was bleeding into her abdomen and would need emergency surgery. There would be no party. Anna was headed to the OR. I got Adelynn down for her nap and then started to clean up the house - I left all the major decor as it was knowing Anna would still want to throw that shin-dig very soon, but also understanding Daniel would need some calm and clean and organization to the chaos if he was going to survive this whirlwind with his wits in tack. All the food went into the freezer so it could be used at a later date, and Daniel’s mom arrived to stay with Addie girl. There really wasn’t anything for me to do but head back to Orange County. It was an eerie strange feeling to leave town knowing my best friend was unconscious on an OR table. I sent her mom a text expressing that I was just so sad to leave like this and then loaded the car and headed for home. The Lord was gracious and kind and spared my dear Anna. She had over 2 liters of blood in her belly and it truly was a grave situation. I got to FaceTime with her and text quite a bit later that evening. We got all weepy and sentimental. We have been best friends for 30 years and it wouldn’t have been enough. 

In the Lord’s gracious mercy, He had me exactly where I needed to be this weekend - right by Anna’s side. I got to help with party preparations even if there was no party, I got to celebrate Adelynn on her birthday and see her dig into that ice-cream sundae, and I got to hold her tight when her mama needed me in the scary moments. Living away from Anna I often miss being there for the hard stuff and this time I was present in the thick of it all and I truly am grateful. I am tremendously thankful for Anna and the years we have spent walking together and the deep rich bond we share. I am also thankful because I am “unattached” - I am able to show up and pour in and be present in the lives of those I love. I truly believe the Lord has developed this part of me over the years as my people have become my family and the propelling heartbeat of my life. As I stood in the midst of the storm this weekend, I was deeply moved because circumstances allow me to just pick up and go and be there for moments large and small. It may not always be true, but for right now, I will choose to praise Him and celebrate that gift. The gift of being present. The gift of pouring out. The gift of drawing close. The gift of getting to choose my direction and adventure. The gift of friendship - what precious and priceless gift it is.  

shellybean and mands...

On June 4, 2014 Rooted Beta kicked off at EvFree and I met this amazing girl named Amanda. I didn’t know it then - but she would soon become one of my best friends and someone who would touch my heart and forever change my life. Today everyone who knows me well knows about my Mands and how near and dear she is to me. She is one of my people. One of my four. She will be a matron of honor in my wedding (someday - let it be soon Lord!) and she and I will spend a lifetime loving one another whether nearby or from afar. But that is the end of the story…

On October 26, 2014 Amanda Jennifer Young, one of my very favorites and one of my closies, joined me in the world of 29-and-single. We lived well there together, sharing the weight when it felt suffocating and like no one else could understand - we knew we had each other and that was a tremendous gift. In November I shared about rooted in church but somehow the story gravitated towards the unexpected goodness and graciousness of our Father and His abundant gifts. Amanda and I met through rooted and ultimately she was the friend I didn’t even know to ask for but needed desperately. In a space of life that felt more lonely and isolated than I could have expressed, God provided Mands. We have opposite personalities, but the same heartbeat for the Lord and people. It really is a beautiful and profoundly amazing thing. As I shared that Sunday morning and Amanda sat front and center cheering me on, I announced to the entire congregation that we we were 29-and-single (which MORTIFIED my Mands who happens to hold all her cards close), I was just so overwhelmed by the amazing provision of the Lord in the midst of the hard. I have found a multitude of reasons to stand in awe since then. The Lord has been so good to me and Mands - our friendship is challenging to describe because it is infinitely more than I deserve. It is founded on truth and rooted deeply in walking together towards the Lord. Never have I had a friend who speaks truth so loudly in my life or champions for my heart in such magnificent ways. She sees me and knows me deeply and yet has chosen to stay, to love me steadfastly and somehow still thinks I am beautiful. I know I am blessed beyond measure to walk alongside her and get to share this life both the mundane and the extraordinary as her friend. The other day she called me one of her wonderfuls…I will probably never forget it. 

On March 12, 2015 I turned 30…and single. 

On June 4, 2015 Mands and I celebrated our 1st friendiversary. She posted a tribute on Facebook and it was darling. We definitely value this amazing gift the Lord has given us in one another. We do not take it lightly, and I pray that never changes! 

On October 11, 2015 I got a text message from 10 time zones away, from a guy named Tanner Wayne Roth. I had heard lots about this Tanner fellow over the past several months. The first murmurs of this guy came in May when Amanda was in the airport and with just the slightest bit of excitement in her tone she said “I’ll have to tell you about my buddy Tanner”. In June, I knew she would marry Tanner Wayne Roth. I think in God’s gracious kindness, He gave me a long time to warm up to the idea that my dear sweet friend would be moving out of our season of singleness. In the most beautiful and amazing way possible, I got to watch Amanda fall in love. Tanner has been nothing but kind to me since he and Amanda started dating - the first time we had lunch together, I drove home in tears thinking we really could all be friends. It meant so much for my heart to feel that possibility.  There is undoubtedly a sense of loss as you approach one of your bests getting married. I’ve done this before. I know what it looks like. There is an undeniably surge of joy and extreme celebration because I LOVE Mands and this is her season and her dance and I am elated. However, it is also hard to know things will inevitably change and she has a Tanner now to tell all her stories to and she won’t need me or even want me in the same ways - she will have someone else to take her time and hold her heart and even if that is SO VERY RIGHT, it leaves me in the longing a little more alone than I was before. 

When that text came in from Tanner, I had been praying daily for Mands and her husband for almost a year. I had been praying for Mands and Tanner for several months. And though his text came as a total surprise, what it contained did not. It was full of words professing his heart for Amanda and the future the Lord had prepared for them and then questions about diamond rings and a proposal that was not far off. My heart skipped a few beats and there were definitely some tears and then the prayers changed...I started to pray for Tanner - Amanda’s husband and for my sweet Mands as a wife. The weeks that followed were all kinds of fun as Tanner and I texted “covert operation style” and Amanda and I anticipated Tanner returning home from deployment and all the future could hold. She got girly and giddy and admitted she was in love and as a friend it was so fun to watch her trust her heart and let the good stuff in. 

On October 24, 2015 I went to Amanda’s birthday party eagerly anticipating her arrival - hoping for a diamond ring on her finger and fiancé Tanner Wayne Roth by her side. The celebration quickly changed from Happy Birthday to CONGRATULATIONS and joy was in abundance.

On October 26, 2015 Amanda turned 30…engaged. 

The most beautiful part of this story is that 29-and-single really was our year. I was talking to Mands on the phone the other day, and through the tears I choked out that very thought. I really can’t help but think the Lord gave us that year. Just for us. We walked it together through every peak and valley. We held one another through the storms and it built the foundation for all that is to come. We learned how to love well, how to trust, how to stay. And now even though there is a Tanner, and she is not at all single and I am VERY MUCH still in that season, there is hope. She has promised I am not losing a friend this time and I think I can believe her. On Saturday alongside a picture of an amazingly gorgeous ring on her finger, she sent me a text that said, “we both love you” and Tanner later told me he watched her send it and echoed the sentiment. I don’t know what is really in store but I know that I couldn’t be happier for my dear sweet friends and I couldn’t be more honored to have walked through this chapter with them and I am truly overjoyed and elated for the story the Lord has perfectly crafted and ordained for their future. Mands is pretty much as good as they come and Tanner has blown me away. So cheers to bridal showers and bachelorettes and wedding planning with one of my favorites. Cheers to a lifetime of loving the Lord and serving one another. Cheers to friendship that lasts far beyond the wedding day. Cheers to Tamandly (that’s Tanner, Amanda, and Shelly in combo) and countless memories and adventures - I am unspeakably grateful (apparently with a 1,336 word count)!

the best portion...

People are one of the most tremendous gifts in life. We know this. We say we don’t take that lightly or take them for granted, but we do. We are human and unintentionally we bruise one another. We are sensitive and easily broken and thankfully the Lord has given us His character and allowed us a capacity for love and grace and compassion and revealed through His son the power of forgiveness and provided a way to cover a multitude of wrongdoings. We will each need to be tenderhearted and see each other through His eyes, willing to forgive much, if we are to walk well together. This space in my life has taught me much about my people and my heart has doubled in size when it comes to gratitude for those who have chosen to come close and love me in what has been one of the hardest places I’ve ever had to live. 

I have always been known as someone who has a lot of friends. And that’s true - I have an instagram hashtag #friendsaremypeople and in some ways I feel like it perfectly encapsulates me. I love living life alongside those I care about - being actively involved in their everyday and seemingly ordinary. However, when things get ugly and you’re able to give less, in a fresh way it becomes resolved and clear who will still be abundantly present and the Lord has been so gracious to reveal friends that love me deeply and cherish the road we have walked together. In this season, I feel like He has confirmed the people who are truly in for the long-haul. The lifers. I could weep right now as I contemplate the amazing gift it is to know there are people who really do know me and choose me and love me regardless of any circumstance or condition. I like to say that best friend isn’t a person, it’s a tier. However, there might be levels, and there are four people in particular who have truly risen to the top. They shine and sparkle and make my heart so ridiculously glad. Two of my people don’t live within a realistic proximity to live everyday life together and yet I have to say that’s another thing I have learned much about during this season. Showing up has very little to do with actually being there in person. I have been amazed and humbled by the ways these wonderful women have appeared in text messages and voicemails on a daily basis. They have the most amazing ability to make me laugh at the ugliest and most painful situations, to take the edge off the most sensitive parts of my heart and remind me to be tougher and stronger and choose the most important things - they’re the best perspective adjusters I know. They are the ones I can text in the middle of the night. The ones who will cry with me. The ones who pray for me, hope for me, and have words for me when I can find none. I always knew I needed them, I just didn’t know how much. 

There really isn’t an adequate way to say thank you - words in a card will never be enough. I think that’s how this whole thing works. Somehow in gratitude, in thanksgiving, in response to love that is much deeper than anticipated, we walk together, not just for now but for a lifetime through whatever the path may bring. We walk hand in hand even if there are miles between us because we’ve learned what it means to carry one another. Life is guaranteed to be hard and to hurt, but I want these girls in my corner for every last minute of it and I pray with every ounce that I can sit in their corners as well. I think I might have four matrons of honor and I think maybe that’s the most amazing and beautiful thing ever. 

“The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.” 

So to my four…thank you for being the best portion of my life, and for giving me reasons to smile when I can’t seem to find many on my own…for being light and hope and joy and for the constant reassurance that we will get through this together…thank you for not running and proving you will stay…thank you for being YOU…my life is far richer, more beautiful, and more abundant because of who you are and all you bring to every single day! ps. iloveyou.

love loud enough...

Over the weekend I went to a wedding for a longtime family friend. Sweet Lindsay Smith grew up as a dear friend of my little sister Julie and on Saturday, Lindsay married her love at Bates Nut Farm. It was a beautiful afternoon and evening as we all watched the sun set under the trees just dancing with twinkle lights. Lindsay’s dad, Dennis, was a mentor of mine all throughout Junior High and High School, so I was a smidge weepy as I watched him give away his little girl. It was a ceremony full of God’s presence and intentionally grounded with Christ as the center and foundation upon which their marriage and love will stand and that is my idea of a beautiful wedding. 

This weekend was ALSO the weekend of the Bush Family Reunion, so I had to get gussied up for the wedding in my parent’s fifth wheel. It’s not exactly the ideal location and if we’re really honest, beach air is a NIGHTMARE for taming my hair. It’s a combination of curly and straight but not specifically one or the other so with the slightest bit of humidity we are off to FRIZZ TOWN in the worst possible way. There was no question, it had to go up in some form or fashion. So I went to work with some texture powder, a dutch braid, and the bobby pins. All in all the hair turned out alright. Then it was onto makeup, which really just meant a darker eye and a bolder lip. I used my standard Maybelline 24-hour color tattoo in "barely branded" as the primer and layered on some wet and wild shadows (I know, I’m SO CLASSY like that) and my lips rocked a serious red “in love with ginger” by Rimmel. I’m a drug store makeup lover through and through. I busted out my favorite target skirt and a ridiculously bold necklace by Kate Spade and called it a day. 

Anna said I looked hot and I believed her. I didn’t have a date on my arm - I went to the wedding with my parents and my little sister and the bride was 5 years younger than me…but Anna sent me enough text messages of encouragement to make me truly feel beautiful. If you ever get the chance, be that kind of friend. The one who knows the wedding might be a little painful and therefore demands pictures so she can heap on the love. The kind of friend who takes the potential for a tinge of pain as an opportunity to bless. The one who isn’t there in person and yet finds the way to soften the ache and longing and becomes a part of God’s whispers of hope and promise. We really do have the capacity to be healing balm in the lives of our loved ones - we just have to hear their hearts, listen to their needs, and lean in…it isn’t easy and it won’t always eliminate the tears…but together is so much better than alone. A dutch braid and side bun with bold eyes and shockingly red lips isn’t really a big deal, but on Saturday night feeling beautiful mattered more than I can explain - and Anna knew - and she decided to love loud enough to make me hear her over my noise. I want to choose to be THAT kind of love - THAT kind of friend - to draw close - and to make a difference because I really do believe it matters. 

hey juliette...

I grew up with Anna and Jenny - we were a trio from day one and I am beyond grateful to say we are still celebrating life's big moments together even today - 30 years later. Jenny is expecting her first child, a sweet baby girl in August. Jenny and Josh are naming their daughter Juliette Leigh and we are all eagerly anticipating her arrival. In early June, Anna and I had the pleasure of throwing Jenny and Juliette a shower. It was all kinds of pink and sparkly and glittery - it was loud and perhaps a hint obnoxious - Jenny walked in and said "Oh yeah, this is my style" - it was perfect and made all the planning and preparations worth it. I designed the invite and Anna and I did everything else together, which was honestly so fun - another reason to praise the Lord for technology - planning showers via text message and emails is not to be taken lightly! From the paper pinwheels to the balloons and streamers to the apothecary jars and a group photo, it was a wonderful morning full of love and expectation - Juliette Leigh will be deeply and richly loved by MANY!

hand outstretched and heart open...

Love is a crazy thing, right? I have yet to experience this idea of “true love”, but I do love my friends ferociously. Right now one of my closies is in Africa, RWANDA (I always feel the need to spell it in ALL CAPS - I know that is ridiculous - but it looks wrong with correct capitalization - what is that about?) specifically and I miss her hard. In normal life, we talk almost every day. While she has been in Africa, we have still talked several times (praise the Lord for technology and maybe touches of insomnia even though we both pray against that!). I got a text as she boarded the plane, then a FB message that she was there safe and sound, and then last night I got an email, like a real email with heart talk. Each time a message has come in from Africa, my heart stops…it’s this beautiful and sacred moment in which I feel both tremendously grateful and totally gutted. I feel almost selfish on some level - I’m SO glad that I’m getting an email and yet my girl is in Africa, I can’t hold her tight like that - she isn’t mine to keep - she’s got to fly and soar and be exactly where the Lord wants her. I am realizing over and over again how desperately I cling to people. In a season of life in which I feel like I have said a lot of goodbyes, another one just feels entirely too hard. I currently have friends all over the country and abroad…they’re spread all over California and into Hawaii, Alabama, Missouri, Georgia, North Carolina, Texas, Arizona, Oregon, and even Australia, Turkey, and Africa. I feel like I have said goodbye to friends as they’ve gotten married and had babies and moved into new chapters of their lives. The reality is that I need them in far different and perhaps more significant ways than they need me. They have their person - the one they come home to each day - the one who listens to all their stories and loves them infinitely. I don’t. They were my people. But it isn’t quite the same to share your stories when the other party doesn’t willingly share back. Confessing your heart and allowing someone to be a secret keeper is a gift, an investment, it doesn’t necessarily come naturally or easily, it’s a choice, it’s love. When I give pieces of my heart away, I give them wholeheartedly and with absolute certainty. I am in and for the long haul, regardless of what life brings…even if that means waiting for emails from Africa.

Even still, I really want to be the kind of follower that is willing to pick up my net and go. Even more, I want to be the kind of friend that will stand on the sidelines and cheer and support and run the race with endurance if my friend is called to go. And yet my heart aches and longs for the easier road, the one in which we get to travel together. I’m reading the book Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist and as she talks about her best friend moving away she says, “You know you don’t get that many experiences of friendship like the one we share…no matter where you are in the world, no matter where life takes you, you’ll always be close in my heart…” I guess I’m that kind of friend, the one who holds a dear, sweet friend close in my heart regardless of how far the physical distance may be or the changing season may require…my hand remains outstretched and my heart open...

my best...

On Sunday evening we hit the town to celebrate my best and her big bad 25th birthday. In the midst of the festivities, over the buzz of excitement and loud chattering in the background, she and I shared a tender moment, a moment in which she said words to me that have already emblazoned themselves upon my heart, words that I’m sure to remember for years to come. Carrie looked at me and said words that mean more to me than she will ever know, because they say so much about who I have tried to be for so many years…she looked at me and said with true admiration, “you taught me to be a good friend”. The tears welled up immediately. It was the kind of compliment I wasn’t anticipating and it knocked the wind right out of me. It was almost as if the rest of the room faded away and for just a moment, only the two of us existed in our own little universe and my heart just rejoiced and took in the great gift of our friendship and the magnitude of it all and exploded with celebration.

I met Carrie when she was 20 and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the Lord knew He wanted our worlds to collide. One of my best friends - Jenny - had been her core group leader in high school and Jenny’s little sister Kacie was Carrie’s best friend. Kacie and I both went to Rock Harbor Costa Mesa and we joined LifeGroups at the same time. Kac convinced Carrie to go with her and we all got placed in the same group. Right around that time, I was looking for a roommate and Carrie was desperately ready to get out of her parent’s house so she moved in with me. We only lived together for about 7 months, but that was all it took. While we shared a home (and a wall for that matter) our hearts grew closer and closer, so on the day when my cell phone rang and Carrie said, “Shell, I can’t even say it” I knew without question or hesitation exactly what she couldn’t say…Carrie was pregnant… my response, “I’ll be home in 5 minutes.”

That was the beginning of our story. Over the next five years we wrote infinitely more words and filled a vast quantity of pages with laughter and tears. I remember watching her walk down the aisle towards Joe on her wedding day radiantly gorgeous, so ready to become his wife. I coordinated Carrie’s wedding and got to be part of every insignificant little detail - from the beer sign mislabeled “new moon” to the red punch that poured out of the drink container and all down Brea Blvd. since the tab was accidentally pushed down during transport from the church reception to the private reception.  We danced like fools that night and “this place about to blow” by Ke$ha will forever be a treasured memory.

Only a few months later, I got the call that she was in labor and Izzy would be arriving soon. I picked up coffee for Joe and headed to St. Jude where Carrie was laboring and anticipating the arrival of this girl that had forever changed the trajectory of her life. Later that evening, I held Izzy Mae Sanchez in my arms for the very first time as tears streamed down my face and I took her in, gazing at her and praying over who she would become. It was one of the few moments I found the words hard to find. I had no idea how many more times I would hold her sweet little body in my arms and tearfully pray over her. When Iz was diagnosed with biliary atresia and ultimately needed a liver transplant, walking alongside Carrie got real in entirely new ways, we spent a lot of time together in the hospital, feeding Izzy “sweeties” (basically sugar water), watching whatever was available, taking trips to Diddy Reese and the nearby BJ’s or Chipotle for a desperately needed change of pace, spending entirely too much money on parking and not blinking an eye over it. I remember going to the hospital to say goodbye to Izzy on a Thursday afternoon…I just had this deep, sinking feeling that I had to go, that it was time to say something, anything, to attempt to prepare my heart for closure. On Saturday afternoon I sat on the couch across from Shannon and sobbed as I asked gut-wrenching questions about how to be a comfort to Carrie in whatever came next. Saturday night my phone rang and it was the call I was so desperately afraid would not come in time - they found a match - Izzy got a liver. We sat together in that waiting room all night long - and I would not have been anywhere else. Izzy has since blossomed into the most incredibly vibrant and joyfully energetic toddler imaginable. She is strong and brave and has taught us all so much as has her mama who never once stopped fighting for her or trusting God with her life. I watched my best friend almost lose her daughter, it can’t not change you.

When Carrie told me she was pregnant with her second, the joy was incomprehensible and THEN we found out it was a boy, which made it even better! On Sunday, November 24 I stood beside Carrie and held her hand as she painfully awaited the arrival of her son. Carrie asked me to be in the room for Rory’s birth and I had the honor of taking pictures throughout labor and delivery. The memories are poignant and it is undoubtedly one of the most intimate experiences of my life. I have often described Carrie as my sister, and I think it become true in an entirely new way that day. Getting to be present for the very first breaths, first blinks, watching her first moment with her boy, I can close my eyes and see it all again. It is a treasured and prized possession.

Outside all the big moments, there have been countless others. We have seen more midnights while talking about the joys and sorrows of this life for far longer than anticipated while propped comfortably on her couch than I can ever say. We have shared countless meals together and taken more trips to Target than should ever be admitted. We’ve celebrated every Christmas and birthday and any other occasion that has come over the past five years and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We talk about our shows and the housewives like we know them and they’re our friends in real life. We just live life together. Every once in a while she talks about moving to Washington to live closer to Joe’s family and friends and my heart skips a few beats…what on earth would I do without my best…right now I can get in my car and drive for approximately four minutes and fall into a mess pile on her couch. I am not sure I would know how to breathe without her nearby anymore, but she promises her new budget would include airfare for me on a monthly basis. It’s an amazing thing to go from not knowing someone to not being able to envision life without them. Carrie is my best - she feels like a part of my heartbeat - and I sincerely hope and pray I’ll never know life without her. Regardless of geographic proximity I have a feeling I’ll forever carry her with me because she is so deeply engrained in the fibers of my being, she has changed me, and I am so tremendously grateful. She has taught me to laugh through life and to not take it so seriously, and apparently I’ve taught her to be a good friend and I can say with 100% confidence - she is one of the very best!

best friend is a tier...

I get mocked and laughed at pretty often for having SO MANY BEST FRIENDS. And it’s true - I have a lot. I have a childhood best friend, a lifelong best friend, a world changers best friend, a best for life, a best from college, a best, a closie, I mean it is a little ridiculous. I love hard and loud and with ALL OF ME. I use the hashtag #friendsaremypeople and I mean it with every ounce of my being. I definitely operate under the Mindy Kaling theory that “best friend isn’t a person, it’s a tier.” As this countdown to 30 continues and I focus on all I have to be grateful for there is NO WAY I could let the big day come without taking a moment to say thank you to the women who have kept me alive through my twenties…so here it is, my big bad tribute to some of the most incredible girls I know…

Anna
It really doesn’t seem possible that we’ve spent 30 years living life together. We definitely aren’t wearing dress up clothes and playing on the swing set in your parents backyard - and thankfully I no longer pee my pants - you don’t have to hide your sleeping bag when you come over for my birthday party because we’re allowed to spend the night together anytime we want - even though now we’d probably BOTH rather sleep in our own beds - but I still love dreaming with you - I love texting late into the night and hearing your heart even if it’s not written in a diary with a janky golden lock and super bendy key. I love that you know me, all the way, deeply and truly, and you love WHO I am without question or hesitation. I know that if anything big ever happened you would be there in an instant. You’re my lifelong best friend and you’re not going anywhere. Not ever. The history we share is irreplaceable and I am forever grateful for the ways we’ve grown together and chosen to stay close. You’re one of the most incredible gifts the Lord placed in my life and I am truly so blessed to know I will get to walk beside you in each and every age and stage. That is truly priceless.

Jennifer Leigh
Any time I have a hankering for a donut I think of you and that birthday party when mom and dad didn’t let me spend the night at your house and your sweet dad went and got donuts the night before JUST so I could take one home with me. THE CUTEST. It would be IMPOSSIBLE to list out all the memories we have together - from showering together in Carlsbad to playing that awesome dream phone game, to the Singing Christmas Story Tree, and your wedding day we have had some amazingly good times. You are hilarious and silly and never fail to make me smile on the inside - you keep life light and bubbly and I am so grateful that we’ll forever be family friends and have shared our entire lives together. OH and I can’t wait to start planning your baby shower with Anna and holding your rugrat this year is going to be the most tremendous JOY!

Sara
I cannot believe we have known each other for over 10 years and that we’re embarking on our 30’s together. We spent an entire decade eating cinnastix, driving that golf cart, wrangling teenagers, and changing the world - it was the BEST! Thank you for teaching me to be confident and reminding me that I am beautiful and shine from the inside, for the amazing packages and all the happy mail that came from Alabama, the countless hours of phone conversations during our “free nights and weekends”, the graduation cruise and week at the beach house, for listening to me sob and laughing with me until we literally couldn’t speak anymore. God knew exactly what He was doing when He had Shawn Doss bring you to Shreveport, Louisiana that first summer - I needed you in my life then and I need you now! You’re amazing and iloveyou!

Emy
YOU are my WC SISTER. We spent that first glorious summer together and shared an experience that literally no one else understands. As we traveling through New Orleans, New York, Philadelphia, Washington DC, Canada, and then the SCARIEST RIDE EVER back to Georgia, you got to see pieces of my heart (and my insides) that were exposed only because we were serving together. The foundation of our friendship was built as we shared Christ with students and poured ourselves out wholly in hopes that others would come to know Him. What a beautiful beginning. I love that over the past 8 years He has continued to allow our friendship to root deeper and blossom, that we get to talk almost everyday, that we share the most meaningful and desperate moments with each other, that I was by your side as your walked down the aisle. The words could not be more true, “because I knew you, I have been changed for good.”

Carrie
You really are like my sister. You moved into my house for just the briefest period of time and you totally changed my heart and my life. I adore you. I love you. I think you’re the greatest thing ever and I can’t imagine my life without you and I pray I never ever have to know what that would actually be like. You’re beautiful and amazing and SO MUCH FUN. You choose me and have taught me that I am loved and wanted. You listen to my heart in moments of deep sorrow - you affirm me and make me feel so much less crazy. You bring so much joy and laughter into my life, reminding me to just enjoy things and not stress out quite so much. You have this amazing ability to just live fully - to let it all go and be present for whatever is happening. You teach me so much just by being you. Thank you for letting me be part of your family, for letting me love your littles and calling me aunt shell, for celebrating me always and making space for me in all seasons and stages of your life. I am truly blessed and honored and grateful to call you my best.

J
No one has ever made me feel more wholly accepted and perfectly loved JUST AS I AM than you. I learn more from you literally every time we are together. You teach me to be brave and confident in me and to find my voice and use it. We have the best conversations with great depth and meaningful nuggets of truth and revelation. There is nothing better than an evening cuddled up on your couch just being together. You make life feel easier and more breathable and give me motivation to keep going. You have been present for some of the ugliest head moments and always show up with cherry 7-up at just the right time. Thank you for always celebrating my life choices and letting me live life with you - it is truly a great honor and joy! 

Shanzie
When we started life group I would have never thought I would get to call you my closie. I thought you were so wise and had so many amazing friends and yet the Lord had something different in mind. I have loved the myriad of conversations we’ve shared over the past few years, talking about the Lord and the work He is doing in our lives and hearts, watching Him take you from a wife to a mama and getting to walk beside you through the transition. You’ve done it so very beautifully. You have a heart for the Lord that inspires and encourages me to seek Him and love Him more. Thank you for introducing me to Filling Station blueberry pancakes and being up for a frozen mojito on mama’s night out, for letting me be a hot mess on the comfiest part of your couch and truly believing in me. I think you’ve been rooting for my dreams loudly from the very beginning and that means more than you’ll ever know. I remember the very first conversation we had about CHOSEN and how excited you were for me - I was scared and you didn’t have any hesitations - you knew I was made for this and YOU WERE RIGHT! The Lord gave me a great and wonderful gift in you!

Gan
11 years of laughing and adventuring and living the crazy life. I have done more with you than I ever dreamed and I am so incredibly glad. We lived the single life to the fullest and made our weekends count that is FOR SURE. Thank you for teaching me to love coffee to the max and shop like a pro, for the frequent trips to Happy Feet and the total lack of judgement when I order feta fries for lunch, for dancing with me at Kenzie’s wedding, honey boo boo drinking games, watching every movie regardless of how questionable, for revealing you can convince me to do anything by putting the word “friendship” before it and the amazingly hideous “friendship romper” I still have in my pj pile, and for the many conversations that have molded and shaped who I have become. I am so thankful for you and blessed by you and love our adventurous adult friendship. We did it - we grew up - and pretty darn well - and we did it together in all the best ways!

Kenz
When you started working at EvFree (and let’s not count that first summer, because we both know you vacationed a lot more than you worked at the beginning) I had no idea that you would be SO MUCH MORE than just a co-worker. Coffee breaks at 10 and 3 and pizza fridays were fun, but I am so glad you’re a forever friend. You’re one of the kindest people I know and you would go out of your way to care for almost anyone. You have done airport duty more times than I can count and you’ve done it with a smile every single time! You’ve taught me a lot about compassion and always being up for the adventure. Your wedding will forever hold some of my very favorite memories - we laughed so hard and you were so incredibly happy. Our lives look a little different now, but I love that we’ll always have Christmas adventures and dinner dates to keep our hearts close.

Shalina
I just gave my little sister that polka dot shower curtain for her new house in Oregon and it felt like a significant loss, ha. I remember being roommates and the joy of coming home to you each day - you were one of my absolute favorite housemates of all time. I remember the day you got engaged, your bridal shower and bachelorette, and helping you with your makeup the day you got married. I remember crying the day of your baby shower and you coming back to hug me, and then getting to come see you the day you had sweet Liam. I’m so thankful for all the days I can remember and look forward to making millions more memories in the years to come. Thank you for loving me headaches and all, for being there to pray for me in the dark nights. Thank you for all the lunches, all the words of encouragement, all the moments you’ve faithfully rooted for me and cheered for me and reminded me it’s gonna be ok! You’re a gem!

Joy
Who would have thought being bridesmaids together would spur us on into this great friendship - I could have NEVER guessed, but I also could not be more glad! I adore you. Our heartbeats are so similar and your joy is insurmountable. Thank you for letting me be a mess and for crying right along with me. Thank you for the glorious escape to San Francisco when I just needed to run away, and for making me feel so ridiculously loved and overwhelmingly blessed that weekend. Thank you for the ways you show up in my life in text messages and voicemails and the cutest packages. For the hope you inspire as you speak truth and remind me that success is not measured in marital status and that being a bridesmaid is a sign of a wonderful and tremendously blessed life because we are RICH in friendship and get to be present to love on and celebrate others. We have gotten SO GOOD at that (even if we’ve worn some ugly dresses)! You are one of the brightest spots in my life and I can’t wait for our next escapade! COME VISIT!

Mands
God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought you into my life. I didn’t realize how desperately I needed you, but He surely did. I am so thankful for you - my gorgeous and radiant friend in this same season of life. Oh 29 and single. Sweet friend, you love the Lord with every ounce of your heart and truly seek to serve Him with every bit of your life. I have learned to love deeper and lean in more just by walking beside you. Processing and navigating this season of celebration and sorrow is bearable in a whole new way because we’re in this together. I am so thankful to have you beside me, cheering for me, praying for me, loving me and seeing my heart. You say I sparkle and I (almost) believe you. You hold my heart in the most cautious and extraordinary way, you listen intently and hear so much more than just the words I say. You show up in my phone first thing in the morning encouraging me to be brave and keep going and somehow give me the inspiration to actually do it. I am deeply touched and forever changed by who you are and the love you’ve so generously provided. Thank you for being my mirror and reflecting for me the best pieces of myself when I just can’t see that girl. You’re a beautiful and amazing treasure. #psiloveyou