time to be brave...

“…moving forward, however imperfectly, is so much braver than staying stuck” the words have replayed in my head on repeat since I read them last night. I can’t seem to let them go. I would like to tell you I am brave. And perhaps I am in some senses. For Christmas my dear friend Amanda gave me a necklace that says be brave and keep going…she said she picked it because it’s something she sees in me…my head hurts all the time and I choose to get up and face each day, to live boldly and loudly, to show up and pour out. Maybe that is brave. But I promise you there are areas of my life in which I am anything but.

As I ponder those words and let them settle over me, the most obvious area in which I lack any ounce of courage is dating. I am undoubtedly, wholeheartedly, (maybe for the very first time admittedly) stuck. Over the weekend I went to Steven’s wedding and watched with tear-stained cheeks as he blissfully became a husband. He was so nervous and so very excited. It was ridiculously darling. My go-to-guy is married. I want that. So what is standing in my way. I am 30 and single. And if I get really honest and exposed, I haven’t been asked on a date in years. Literally. So obviously something isn’t working for me. I think the truth, the nitty-gritty-ugly-don’t-really-want-to-admit-it-truth is, it’s me. I stand in my way. Insecurity. Indecision. Fear. I’ve never really thought of myself as an insecure person - in fact, I like to think I’m pretty confident. But when it comes to talking about dating, I crumble. I think most of my friends would tell you that when we have dating conversations I often end up in tears. I am just heart-broken over all of it. Some people have baggage because of what they’ve done in their dating lives - I have baggage because I have done nothing - I have been wanted by no one - and it is hurtful and incomprehensibly painful on some level for my tired and weary heart. I have longed for and hoped for and prayed for my husband and yet here I am - waiting - stuck waiting.

So maybe it is time. Maybe it is time to be brave and move forward. Maybe it is time to create that dag-nab online dating profile and just try. I start to quiver and shake just typing this because I have truly avoided this for so long. I don’t want to be the girl someone signs up to date. I want to be wanted. I want to be known for so much more than just who I appear to be in some online profile. But maybe I am allowing myself to stay stuck. Maybe I am preventing myself from moving forward. And I really do want to be brave.

wedding woes...

I’ve been in many a wedding, I feel fairly confident in my ability to do the bridesmaid thing, I’ve even done the maid of honor thing once. It is a beautiful thing to stand beside a dear sweet friend as she prepares to walk down the aisle on her big day. I love the preceding festivities - the bridal showers and bachelorette parties. I love getting up early on the big day to hit up Starbucks and ensuring the barista properly labels the cups “bride” and “bridesmaids” and then heading to wherever we’re all getting ready with countless tote bags filled to the brim with curling irons, straighteners, economy sized bottles of hairspray, more bobby pins than one can possibly comprehend in blonde, brown, and black. Not to mention the makeup. OH MY GOODNESS the makeup - there are fabulous false lashes and eye shadow palettes galore, plus copious quantities of lipstick in every shade and finish imaginable - the super shiny and the matte - everyone brings their very best and the girly-girl in of me eats up every single minute of it. The morning often includes tearful and tender moments for me - moments where I catch the most beautiful glimpses of eager anticipation and complete joy - that bridal glow. Being a bridesmaid is heart-warming and special and even though it often means wearing a dress that isn’t the most comfortable or flattering and spending a lot of crazy cash, it’s always worth it to share in those final moments before a dear friend becomes a Mrs., to make those last single girl memories, and to end that season with the most joyful exclamation mark.

What I am realizing in this season of singleness that is seemingly unending, is that I really don’t know how to attend a wedding alone. The bridesmaid thing has almost become the easy way out. It’s fun and special and no one notices that you’re there alone because you sit at the head table and you’re with the bride and her girls all day. So what do you do when you’re not in the wedding and you’re just supposed to go? My friend Steven is getting married on Saturday - he and I have known each other our entire lives and were really close for much of our 20’s. I’m not currently in a relationship and don’t have a go-to date. Truth is, for most of the weddings I’ve attended, Steven was my go-to-guy. He went with me to Shalina’s wedding and to Carrie’s. Now it’s his turn to be the groom and I just feel so lost and alone. He has been engaged since fall 2014 and for months I have envisioned time and time again that moment where I walk into his ceremony space - feeling like the spotlight is on me - how obvious and apparent it will be that I’m alone - unmarried - not in a relationship - without a man on my arm. Logically I know that people aren’t going to be evaluating me. They aren’t going to count the seconds (or minutes) it takes me to determine where to sit. They are there for Steven and Lindsey, that’s all they’re going to care about. That is all that I should care about. So why is there this lump in my throat that I can’t seem to get over. Why do the tears continue to well up and threaten to spill over. Why does being single FEEL like such a valuation of worth?

I pray that I will go to Steven’s wedding on Saturday and be pleasantly surprised by how easy it is, that I’ll see him standing at the end of the aisle waiting for his bride and feel the swell of happy tears and true rejoicing from deep within - one of my lifelong friends has found the one he loves, I’m thrilled for him, it’s finally his turn. I pray that I will eat tacos and s’mores with my best friend Carrie (talk about a hot and SUPER FUN date!) and laugh a lot and that we’ll drive home chattering about how my wedding could be next and what a ridiculously gorgeous bride I will be. But mostly, I pray that I won’t listen to the lies I hear in my head or let the darts the enemy throws my way steal my joy; but will rest in truth - that my value is determined by my Creator and He sees me as beautiful, magnificent, and splendid.

my best...

On Sunday evening we hit the town to celebrate my best and her big bad 25th birthday. In the midst of the festivities, over the buzz of excitement and loud chattering in the background, she and I shared a tender moment, a moment in which she said words to me that have already emblazoned themselves upon my heart, words that I’m sure to remember for years to come. Carrie looked at me and said words that mean more to me than she will ever know, because they say so much about who I have tried to be for so many years…she looked at me and said with true admiration, “you taught me to be a good friend”. The tears welled up immediately. It was the kind of compliment I wasn’t anticipating and it knocked the wind right out of me. It was almost as if the rest of the room faded away and for just a moment, only the two of us existed in our own little universe and my heart just rejoiced and took in the great gift of our friendship and the magnitude of it all and exploded with celebration.

I met Carrie when she was 20 and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the Lord knew He wanted our worlds to collide. One of my best friends - Jenny - had been her core group leader in high school and Jenny’s little sister Kacie was Carrie’s best friend. Kacie and I both went to Rock Harbor Costa Mesa and we joined LifeGroups at the same time. Kac convinced Carrie to go with her and we all got placed in the same group. Right around that time, I was looking for a roommate and Carrie was desperately ready to get out of her parent’s house so she moved in with me. We only lived together for about 7 months, but that was all it took. While we shared a home (and a wall for that matter) our hearts grew closer and closer, so on the day when my cell phone rang and Carrie said, “Shell, I can’t even say it” I knew without question or hesitation exactly what she couldn’t say…Carrie was pregnant… my response, “I’ll be home in 5 minutes.”

That was the beginning of our story. Over the next five years we wrote infinitely more words and filled a vast quantity of pages with laughter and tears. I remember watching her walk down the aisle towards Joe on her wedding day radiantly gorgeous, so ready to become his wife. I coordinated Carrie’s wedding and got to be part of every insignificant little detail - from the beer sign mislabeled “new moon” to the red punch that poured out of the drink container and all down Brea Blvd. since the tab was accidentally pushed down during transport from the church reception to the private reception.  We danced like fools that night and “this place about to blow” by Ke$ha will forever be a treasured memory.

Only a few months later, I got the call that she was in labor and Izzy would be arriving soon. I picked up coffee for Joe and headed to St. Jude where Carrie was laboring and anticipating the arrival of this girl that had forever changed the trajectory of her life. Later that evening, I held Izzy Mae Sanchez in my arms for the very first time as tears streamed down my face and I took her in, gazing at her and praying over who she would become. It was one of the few moments I found the words hard to find. I had no idea how many more times I would hold her sweet little body in my arms and tearfully pray over her. When Iz was diagnosed with biliary atresia and ultimately needed a liver transplant, walking alongside Carrie got real in entirely new ways, we spent a lot of time together in the hospital, feeding Izzy “sweeties” (basically sugar water), watching whatever was available, taking trips to Diddy Reese and the nearby BJ’s or Chipotle for a desperately needed change of pace, spending entirely too much money on parking and not blinking an eye over it. I remember going to the hospital to say goodbye to Izzy on a Thursday afternoon…I just had this deep, sinking feeling that I had to go, that it was time to say something, anything, to attempt to prepare my heart for closure. On Saturday afternoon I sat on the couch across from Shannon and sobbed as I asked gut-wrenching questions about how to be a comfort to Carrie in whatever came next. Saturday night my phone rang and it was the call I was so desperately afraid would not come in time - they found a match - Izzy got a liver. We sat together in that waiting room all night long - and I would not have been anywhere else. Izzy has since blossomed into the most incredibly vibrant and joyfully energetic toddler imaginable. She is strong and brave and has taught us all so much as has her mama who never once stopped fighting for her or trusting God with her life. I watched my best friend almost lose her daughter, it can’t not change you.

When Carrie told me she was pregnant with her second, the joy was incomprehensible and THEN we found out it was a boy, which made it even better! On Sunday, November 24 I stood beside Carrie and held her hand as she painfully awaited the arrival of her son. Carrie asked me to be in the room for Rory’s birth and I had the honor of taking pictures throughout labor and delivery. The memories are poignant and it is undoubtedly one of the most intimate experiences of my life. I have often described Carrie as my sister, and I think it become true in an entirely new way that day. Getting to be present for the very first breaths, first blinks, watching her first moment with her boy, I can close my eyes and see it all again. It is a treasured and prized possession.

Outside all the big moments, there have been countless others. We have seen more midnights while talking about the joys and sorrows of this life for far longer than anticipated while propped comfortably on her couch than I can ever say. We have shared countless meals together and taken more trips to Target than should ever be admitted. We’ve celebrated every Christmas and birthday and any other occasion that has come over the past five years and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We talk about our shows and the housewives like we know them and they’re our friends in real life. We just live life together. Every once in a while she talks about moving to Washington to live closer to Joe’s family and friends and my heart skips a few beats…what on earth would I do without my best…right now I can get in my car and drive for approximately four minutes and fall into a mess pile on her couch. I am not sure I would know how to breathe without her nearby anymore, but she promises her new budget would include airfare for me on a monthly basis. It’s an amazing thing to go from not knowing someone to not being able to envision life without them. Carrie is my best - she feels like a part of my heartbeat - and I sincerely hope and pray I’ll never know life without her. Regardless of geographic proximity I have a feeling I’ll forever carry her with me because she is so deeply engrained in the fibers of my being, she has changed me, and I am so tremendously grateful. She has taught me to laugh through life and to not take it so seriously, and apparently I’ve taught her to be a good friend and I can say with 100% confidence - she is one of the very best!

a thursday musing...

I am a constant thinker and processor and I was struck the other day by the magnitude of the concept that God so uniquely made each one of us. I have heard numerous times that God knows each of us intimately, personally, that He loves us infinitely and treasures us. But, I don’t know if I have really stopped to consider that we were each created with a distinct personality perfectly matched to the circumstances we are going to encounter in our lives. We are just strong enough to endure the various trials we will face, courageous enough for the adversity we will endure. We are bold enough to share with the people He will place in our path and bright enough to bring a smile to those in our surroundings. He has equipped us, prepared us, and planned for us to be His light to those around us. We are His workmanship and it’s more than just an idea - it is a fact and our very fibers were crafted intricately to live up to that calling. What a beautiful and amazing truth we have live out of. It gives me so much more confidence as I embrace myself. I don’t have to fight the aspects of my nature that can sometimes be challenging - God made me this way intentionally, purposefully, with the life He had planned for me in mind before the creation of time. As I sat with the Lord and discussed this, the beauty of His intentionality unfolded in entirely new ways. He doesn’t just know the number of hairs on our heads sweet sisters, He doesn’t just know us, HE PURPOSED our days and gave us just enough. We are exactly who we need to be and if we are leaning into Him and choosing Him, we are living as we need to as we hold hands with the Creator of this universe. I don’t know about you, but that sure makes my heart beat faster…

#happy30life

It happened. March 12 came and I turned 30. And honestly it didn’t hurt that much either. The day dawned with far more hope than I could have ever anticipated. It was almost as if 29 left and took the disappointment with it. 30 brought a new decade, one in which I could potentially meet my husband and start a family, or just travel a lot, maybe pay off those darned student loans, I could write that children’s book, make a new friend, see a new country, definitely pick up my camera a lot more, I could actually get beganwithabow.com up and running and post designs on etsy, return to Europe, visit Sara and Emily and Susan and my Hawaii fam, maybe be in a couple weddings and witness a few births, start saving for the adoption that I pray will be part of my future, drink a TON of coffee and eat some dark chocolate peanut butter cups too. Instantly it all seems far POSSIBLE and I don’t feel like I’m racing against some proverbial clock.

For my birthday, my friend Emily gave me a necklace that says Happy30 and it is the inspiration for my hashtag for the year: #happy30life. I’m claiming this year as one of joy and celebration. I’m taking back my heart. I’m choosing to re-steady my feet and lean into all the Lord has for me. I can chase after the riches of this world or I can rest in the FULLNESS of His best for my life whatever that looks like - even if it isn’t conventional and doesn’t seem the same as the lives of those around me. I am celebrating the life I have. Today. This moment and all the possibilities this year holds.

I am 30...HERE IT GOES!

the golden list...

The #countdownto30 is coming to a close as TOMORROW is the big day. Tonight at midnight the date will change from March 11 to March 12 and I will go from a glowing girl in her 20's to 30 flirty and fabulous. I'm feeling ok about it honestly. When the clock strikes midnight, it's almost like I get to walk into a decade of new hope. I've grieved and said goodbye to many of the dreams I thought my 20's would hold - to things I thought would happen but just did not. And now I'm here, ready to embrace all that is coming and continue living with a grateful heart, praising the Lord for all He has done and eagerly anticipating all He will do. SO here is my "golden list" - 30 things I am thankful for as I close out 29 and embrace 30...there are many MANY more, but this is a darn good start!

1. My bed - what a gift to lay in the midst of the gloriously comfy and cozy covers that envelop me each night and leave me feeling like I’m laying atop puffy clouds of freshly spun cotton candy each morning

2. A closet that is full, almost overflowing with an abundance of outfit choices - sufficient for all kinds of weather situations - and containing more colors, patterns, and pops of fun than I could ever need

3. Texting - it is SO fun and still just a little crazy to me that even this morning by 8am I had already talked to Anna and Carrie and Shalina about silly and insignificant things but THAT is how friendship works, we share life, in the ordinary EXTRAORDINARY details of the everyday life

4. Big Hair and Bold Lips

5. Accessories that were gifts from friends adding sweet touches of sentimentality to my everyday attire - JUST TODAY I am sporting a button ring from Emily, the antique ring I bought in downtown Orange for my 25th birthday with birthday money from Grandma, the “S” bracelet from Yen, the “shell” bracelet from Abigail, the COFFEE5 bracelet, the necklace I made at the San Clemente beachhouse “crafternoon” with Gan and Kenz, my “S” necklace from Mere, and the new bow earrings I just got for my birthday from Kenz (and I’m also wearing 4 other bracelets too - and yes, I can ROCK a plethora of accessories - I definitely came by my title #accessoryqueen rightly)

6. Goldie - the grandma gold corolla I am tremendously thankful to OWN that runs well and gets me where I need to go each and every day without hesitation - she isn’t super sporty or even much to look at but she is reliable and she is mine and i couldn’t live life without her

7. A job that undoubtedly has hard days and very real challenges but has taught me a lot and allows me to earn a reasonable salary opening the door for me to be invested in ministry and other opportunities that bring my heart to life outside the office

8. Starbucks - aka. COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE aka. YUM! (and maybe some hazelnut creamer)

9. Headaches - I hate them but truly they have molded and shaped my character giving me strength and endurance, teaching me to see suffering and draw close to people in pain, showing me how to lean in and love even through challenging and hard and seemingly unending situation, developing faith, and proving time and time again that the Lord is faithful and so very close

10. Cutie Flats - colored, patterned, bold, bright, with bows, with zippers, with a darling scalloped edge this girl LOVES some teacher shoes

11. Carlsbad State Beach - the vastness of the ocean never fails to make me stop and ponder how big God is and also how small I am. In light of His creation and His power, I feel so capable of just sitting in His mighty hands knowing He is in control and I can simply rest. It is not chaotic. The sun rises, the sun sets, the tide comes in and the waves wash out - there is order and there is majestic beauty - there is purposes and plan. He has got me.

12. The First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton - my church home - the place where I can walk up and down the plaza on a Sunday morning and be known and loved and embraced.

13. Gateway Church - the church I grew up in and a place I can always come back to - where I can walk in and instantly see my family and where I often find myself moved to tears as I take in the rich heritage and legacy of those who have walked before me and paved the path for my future

14. Chickfila - the food that always sounds good - literally - always - and the best arnold palmer on the planet

15. InDesign - the best design software on the planet (at least in my personal opinion - you can beg to differ and love PhotoShop or Illustrator, but give me my macbook and InDesign FOREVER!) and the method by which I have created many an invitation to celebrate some of the biggest and best moments in the lives of those I love

16. Laughter - the way it releases the soul and instantaneously makes life lighter and easier to breathe through

17. Friends - seriously I don’t have words, I would be lost and utterly incapable of survival without my friends - they bring calm to my crazy and re-establish my footing when i can’t seem to find my way or remember who on earth I am or what I am trying to do - they are the greatest treasure I have in this life and I am forever grateful and deeply touched by each and every one of them

18. Kate Spade anything

19. Cardigans (see the #30daysofcardi posts if you need more, but honestly, enough said)

20. Family - we are spread from Hawaii to Oregon to sunny San Diego but in my heart they’re all right there - I miss them so much it hurts but i am forever grateful they’re mine

21. World Changers - it taught me to be a servant and to tangibly be the hands of Jesus Christ to those around me - it was foundational in my relationship with Jesus Christ and undoubtedly four (4) of the best summers of my life - it has RUINED me for husbands because never have I met more godly men - and the song is unlike any other - GO OUT AND CHANGE THE WORLD!

22. LifeGroup - the people I learned to live loud and bold alongside, to share my heart in safety knowing it would be held and carried - to tell the WHOLE story without hiding and find freedom in the vulnerable - I miss Wednesday nights in Matt & Shan’s little living room with kids fussing Carrie begging to hold the newest Stull - and sometimes I think I might even miss talking Crossfit and paleo - you were worth it!

23. Nailpolish and Lipstick

24. CHOSEN and TLC - I had no ideas the ways in which these ministries would capture my heart and change my life. I love these kids. I love that I get to love these kids. Hearing their laughter and watching them interact reminds me time and time again that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and the Lord is at work in ways that are far beyond my imagination!

25. Target - if you need some happiness go to Target they have it. GUARANTEED.

26. The Internet - how could a blogger (or a human for that matter) NOT be grateful for the Internet?? I love reading blogs, I love streaming music, I love podcasts, I love FaceBook and Instagram, but the best gift the internet ever game was my dear friend Carrielove

27. Snail Mail and Gifts or Packages - there is something really special about taking pen to paper to make words have meaning beyond the instantaneous (and yes, I do still believe in thank you notes!) or putting together a little collection of items that will make someone smile on the inside - I adore being able to send smiles

28. Diane - she is a mentor and a friend and calls herself my “fullerton mommy” she cries with me on hard days and reminds me that even when it hurts I am still choosing the Lord and doing ok - she has given me permission to be a mess on more occasions than I care to admit and that has allowed me to embrace some of the broken and aching pieces of me and move into hope and joy in new ways

29. rooted - 29 would have been almost a total bust without rooted - it gave me my Mands - undoubtedly one of the most incredible women I have ever known and a friend who I have the honor and privilege of walking closely alongside in this season of joy and sorrow of celebration and longing AND it also gave me my Biola Loves and THE Meggerator creating THECOFFEE5 women who have taught me how to laugh harder and open the floodgates just a little wider to let the love spill forth - we are walking together - growing together - talking hearts and Christ and leaning in - yes rooted was what God had for 29 and I am SUPER grateful

30.  Adoption /  Foster Kids - my heart to love God’s kids is something I am so excited about especially as I move into my 30’s and contemplate the possibility of actually getting to bring a little one home. The day deplane and see family and friends waiting at the airport to meet our newest lovebug will be a surge of joy so indescribable - I absolutely cannot wait!

an extraordinary childhood...

I got to spend the weekend in San Diego visiting with my parents and also had a coffee date with my forever friends Anna and Jenny and it made me contemplative and so grateful for my childhood and the gift it has been to grow up in one circle of family friends my entire life. I realize that it is rare to have parents who are still married. It is even more rare to have friends with parents who are still married. AND to take it even one step further, My parents are still friends with the same people they were friends with when I was born. Add it all together and you get a super grateful me and one more post in the countdown to 30.

I had the most ridiculously extraordinary childhood. I really cannot even encapsulate it, but I am truly grateful and forever blessed to have been raised not just by parents that loved me - but by a group of adults that loved me and chose to pour their lives into laying a foundation for my future. Perhaps the best phrase to explain this unique up-bringing was “co-op parenting” and yes, I just made that up for this post. I was spanked by my parents (repeatedly - I believe I sometimes even went to bed with the spoon resting on my nightstand as a reminder of what COULD be) but also by Lori Powell (at least once). My parents made the sacrificial decision to allow my mom to stay home with us kids. She taught piano out of the living room, but every afternoon when we got home from school (we got to walk, which I abhorred then, but I think is actually pretty idyllic) she was there waiting for us with a snack on the counter. My parents were present and invested and we were undoubtedly their top priority. We ate at the dinner table as a family each night. We played games (my sister was a HORRIBLE loser) and spent a lot of time with family friends - I can remember many a Friday night where we were at the Powell’s or the Erpelding’s or they were coming over. We had dinner together and then we kids all played while the adults busted out the cards for a hearty round of canasta!

My mom was also very blessed with incredible friends and she was able to band together with several other moms who had kids around the same age as me and my older brother Kevin to make summers in specific educational but full of adventure and discovery and lots of laughter with friends. Envision what I will refer to as “Adventure Week”. It was a week where the moms paired up and each pair was responsible for a one-day outing with all the kids (I think the moms probably loved it because they got 4 days off!!). I am pretty sure Lori (Anna’s mom) and my mom took us to a print press and then we went ice-blocking (FOREVER a favorite childhood activity), we went to old town and made candles, went through “haunted houses” and branded leather, we made our own kites and went to fly them at the beach. For years and years during the summer each Thursday we got up really early and met together at the Powell’s for Precept Bible Studies for kids and then headed to Mission Beach for a full day of fun complete with a packed lunch and boogy boarding until our stomachs could take no more. Imagine learning to make lanyards and plaster of paris decorations for our rooms, decorating sugar cookies, and collecting rocks while walking on the beach in Carlsbad and then painting them with all kids of messages of faith, hope, and love. These moms worked together and created Vacation Bible Schools where stories came to life so significantly. I still remember the year we learned about Moses and stepping into the kiddie pool to “make bricks” and how cold and wet and sticky it was on my feet and how exhausting it would have been to have to continue stepping in that murk over and over and over again day after day. We were AWANA kids and memorized substantial quantities of Scripture. We sang in a children’s choir getting to put on super fun Psalty the Singing Songbook programs all throughout the years. At Christmas we got to be part of Christmas on the Prado in Balboa Park and later we performed in the Singing Christmas Story Tree in Seaport Village. As we got older, Lori led our Youth Choir - S.A.L.T. (Singing About Love and Truth) and took us to sing at various places and serve in new ways, opening our eyes and hearts to what the Lord could call us to be part of. Since we were no longer kids, together they created Youth Group, trips to 6 Flags Magic Mountain, Winter Camps and Youth Camps and even World Changers and truly devoted themselves to ensuring we had what we needed every step of the way.

Yesterday I went to Gateway Church - the church my parents were part of starting when I was only 8 years old - the church that most of my memories are contained within - the church so many of these people still attend. I walked in and was flooded - it still feels like home. Lori was playing the piano and Jenny was singing, Anna was sitting where she always sits alongside her family and Pastor Sam (who gave the very best Kid’s Sermons when I was little) shared a wonderfully meaningful message on forgiveness. It all made me a little teary. SO, to Lori and Rick and Gary and Connie and Daniel and Jenna and Paul and Cheryl and Rick and June and Gayla and Paula and Sam and Nancy and Dennis and Kelly and Tedd and Jolie and so many others who contributed to my life from when I was a tiny tike until now - THANK YOU! My childhood was anything but ordinary and the way you all banded together to create a meaningful and strong foundation for who I have become is truly extraordinary. I can only hope and pray to someday provide my children with an experience that is profoundly rich and deeply marked by your wisdom and influence!

they're the madsens...

June 28, 2014 - a day I will not soon forget because the memories are cherished and dear. It was a wonderfully beautiful day, one shared with two of my closest friends, a day that was abounding with love and joy from the early morning to the late night. There was laughter and tears and smiles until faces hurt. It was the day Rebecca and Jason became Mr. and Mrs. Madsen and it was perfection.

I was in the backseat of the TramCam on Sunday, December 08 when my phone rang and a cutie pic of me and Kenz popped up. Em and B had gotten married the night before and we were driving through the frozen tundra from Springfield to St. Louis because I had to fly home. It had been a whirlwind trip and emotions were high - I had been Emily’s Maid of Honor and the moments we shared together over the 5-day-wedding-weekend will forever be some of the most significant in my heart. I knew it was suspicious that Kenz was calling when I was out of town for Emy’s wedding (she definitely knew where I was, we were roommates at the time) so I opted to answer and Kenz told me the big news - Jason had proposed and she was officially engaged.

A few weeks later I got the most darling rifle paper co. card that read “will you be my bridesmaid” and OF COURSE I said yes and all things bridal shower and bachelorette and wedding planning began. Gan was also a bridesmaid which made the whole process especially fun as it meant she had to come visit several times and we got to do all of it together. I had the honor of designing the invite for Kenzie’s bridal shower as well as some darling little buttons for the bachelorette. Gan and I hosted a little day-before pedicure and lunch extravaganza for the bridal party and also an after-the-rehearsal final hoorah before the big day. We had “party posse” hats and truly just wanted to be sure that Kenz and Jason felt overly celebrated and ridiculously loved. They surely are!

Truly Kenz was a super laid-back and easy bride so nothing ever felt overly stressful or chaotic. It was a little dream. The day of the wedding we got to her bridal suite armed with plenty of coffee and other beverages as needed, fake eyelashes, copious amounts of bobby pins, and hearts bursting with excitement for our dear sweet friend. We spent several hours under the haze of hairspray and self tanner (that might have been just me, and yes it is a necessary evil when you’re THIS white) and eventually we were ready to put Kenz in her dress and head to the venue. She literally took my breathe away with her beauty that day, she was stunning and radiant and glowing and it was a wonderful sight to behold. When we got to the venue we were supposed to “hide” while they did their first look but we weren’t really all about that, so we stood far enough away that they could have their moment but we could still all watch it. I might have had a tear. Jason is undoubtedly in love with Kenz and there is something really wonderful about knowing your friend is deeply loved and wholly cherished. What felt like only moments later the pictures had all been taken and we were hustling inside to steal away for a few moments of prayer before lining up to formally begin the ceremony. Wedding days tend to be like that - a total blur - a day so full of love you almost can’t even contain it in memory. The ceremony was wonderful and the officiant forgot I was supposed to pray so I totally got let off the hook, which was AWESOME, thanks for the total relief of nerves Pastor Coulombe!

With the first kiss and recessional complete, it was time for the party. We watched the sunset radiate the beautiful skyline and laughed and danced and had some more coffee (it had been a long day) and just took time to celebrate together, to honor the gift of marriage and the wonderful adventure that was ahead for Jason and Kenz. I really do love being a bridesmaid. I love standing beside my dearest friends and sharing in their big moments. Getting to be close as they get ready and hearing so much heart throughout the day. Friendships change post-wedding, but it is a beautiful close to the chapter before to share in the celebration and journey to “I do”. I will forever be grateful for the memories and moments we shared that day, and look forward to living lots more life not just with Kenz, but with the Madsens.

dress up for grownups

I decided today we’d head to a much lighter (or brighter or more subtle or crazy bold depending on the shade you select) place as we countdown to 30 and reflect on things I’m grateful for. Today’s big winner is LIPSTICK. Go ahead, have a little chuckle. Now let me just tell you that lipstick has undoubtedly added a layer of fun to my life - it’s dress up for grownups. It’s amazing!

When my friend Jenny Jackson (totally not her name anymore, but she’ll forever be Jenny Jackson to me) asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding a few years back (she got married in April 2013) I decided to go on the #greatlipventure and I started trying out lip colors. We were got to pick our own dresses in whatever neutral shade desired, so I figured almost anything could work. Then Emily got engaged just weeks before Jenny’s big day and we were wearing a dresses in cranberry / burgundy / red for her wedding so the quest for just the right shade for these luscious lips got REAL. I tried all kinds of crazy colors and lots of different drugstore brands, and I have fallen in love. Now if friends see me without lipstick they get concerned because chances are something isn’t quite right. I’m probably in headache hell or had some sort of major morning catastrophe because I rock the lipstick. All day. Everyday.

So here is the LOWDOWN…
If you wanna start with something really easy to wear that feels pretty fantastic but doesn’t have a lot of pigment so it isn’t too scary, I’d recommend the Revlon LipButters. There are a variety of shades from bright reds to more neutral tones for everyday and they slide on nice and smooth.

When you’re ready to embark on something a little more adventurous, I’m a huge fan of Maybelline. They are easy to apply, have great pigmentation, longevity of wear, and a reasonably supply of different color options. There are mattes and shines, which is also nice if you’re looking for different finishes. I wear “PINK ME UP” fairly often - it’s a really easy everyday that isn’t too bold or different from my natural shade but takes me up just a notch.

If you’re looking for something that REALLY lasts long term and isn’t just gonna wipe off when you eat, my go-to is the Revlon “Just Bitten Kissable” Balm Stains. They’re slightly minty and I think that little tingle at application is so fantastic. I just got a new one for Valentines day from my friend Ally in this amazing Barbie Doll pink and I have been rocking that thing all over town! SO FUN!

I really love the Kate Moss line for Rimmel London and am especially fond of shades 104, 107, and 08. They are really strong colors but totally do-able for everyday (this is where my friend Jen would argue that only I can pull them off on an everyday basis, not the average - but I totally think you can do it!). The Rimmel colors also stay on my lips really well.

If you’re willing to spend a slight bit more, I’m all about Sonia Kashuk for Target. The lipsticks are $10 each, but they’re really great quality and are fantastically moisturizing. I have several colors and they’re some of my very favorites for sure. Easy to wear, always get compliments, and never ever feel caked on or dry!

I would try absolutely anything in the NYX line. I love their butter gloss for an extra layer of shine over basally any shade of color (regardless of brand). I also think their matte lipsticks are fantastic. Their colors are some of my boldest and brightest. Target carries a decent selection and I also see NYX at Nordys Rack on a regular basis at very reasonable costs.

Perhaps my very favorite lipstick of all time is by Urban Decay. I save it for special occasions but it is amazing. It’s named “venom” and it’s a really deep red with a hint of purple but also looks bright depending on the light. It applies like a dream and doesn’t rub off or fade as the day or event progresses. It’s way too pricey to invest in multiple options from this brand, but it was a great splurge on a weekend adventure to San Francisco with one of my besties Joy and I love having it as my go-to when I need a big win!

in-between...

We live a lot of our lives in the in-between. These spaces that occur while we’re waiting for the next big event or potential life change to come around. I think in America we are especially programmed for this. We spend the formative years of our childhood living for Christmas Break, Spring Break, and Summer. Everything is routine and schedule. We go from Elementary School to Junior High to High School and then it’s off to college. That all makes sense and our brains know what to do. Then we graduate from college and some of us run into a major in-between. A big dot dot dot. All of the sudden, the choices are endless and we get to “choose our own adventure”. We have to make determinations about the direction for our life. For me personally, I went to work and started grad school, both seemed right and both have had tremendous value. However, I can honestly say the years that have followed went nothing like I had expected. I didn’t realize the in-between would be so vast and long. I thought the next big adventure - the next stage or chapter - was near. It wasn’t. I was totally and completely wrong.

Sometimes in the in-between there is a sense of fullness, of incredible joy and laughter and hope, and sometimes it feels as if we’ve stalled and are seemingly stuck in the murk, just barely trudging forward. The in-between can feel endless, perhaps even hallow. We have no control over when it ends, and yet often cry out and beg to move forward. The beauty is this, we always arrive at exactly the right time. Never a moment early and never too late. The Lord knows exactly where we need to be and will ensure we are there precisely when needed. It’s all part of His great providence. The ways He is at work behind the scenes orchestrating details and ensuring that we are living in the midst of His great story for our lives. Today I am taking hope and joy in the King and knowing that I can rest in the ultimate reality of His character knowing He is love, and grace, and peace, and truth. Today even though I sit in the ache and longing of in-between awaiting whatever comes next, I rest in faith knowing ultimately I want to be where He places me and I want to arrive at just the right time. Regardless of how long I have to wait, in the end, I want His grand story to be the one I'm writing with my life.

best friend is a tier...

I get mocked and laughed at pretty often for having SO MANY BEST FRIENDS. And it’s true - I have a lot. I have a childhood best friend, a lifelong best friend, a world changers best friend, a best for life, a best from college, a best, a closie, I mean it is a little ridiculous. I love hard and loud and with ALL OF ME. I use the hashtag #friendsaremypeople and I mean it with every ounce of my being. I definitely operate under the Mindy Kaling theory that “best friend isn’t a person, it’s a tier.” As this countdown to 30 continues and I focus on all I have to be grateful for there is NO WAY I could let the big day come without taking a moment to say thank you to the women who have kept me alive through my twenties…so here it is, my big bad tribute to some of the most incredible girls I know…

Anna
It really doesn’t seem possible that we’ve spent 30 years living life together. We definitely aren’t wearing dress up clothes and playing on the swing set in your parents backyard - and thankfully I no longer pee my pants - you don’t have to hide your sleeping bag when you come over for my birthday party because we’re allowed to spend the night together anytime we want - even though now we’d probably BOTH rather sleep in our own beds - but I still love dreaming with you - I love texting late into the night and hearing your heart even if it’s not written in a diary with a janky golden lock and super bendy key. I love that you know me, all the way, deeply and truly, and you love WHO I am without question or hesitation. I know that if anything big ever happened you would be there in an instant. You’re my lifelong best friend and you’re not going anywhere. Not ever. The history we share is irreplaceable and I am forever grateful for the ways we’ve grown together and chosen to stay close. You’re one of the most incredible gifts the Lord placed in my life and I am truly so blessed to know I will get to walk beside you in each and every age and stage. That is truly priceless.

Jennifer Leigh
Any time I have a hankering for a donut I think of you and that birthday party when mom and dad didn’t let me spend the night at your house and your sweet dad went and got donuts the night before JUST so I could take one home with me. THE CUTEST. It would be IMPOSSIBLE to list out all the memories we have together - from showering together in Carlsbad to playing that awesome dream phone game, to the Singing Christmas Story Tree, and your wedding day we have had some amazingly good times. You are hilarious and silly and never fail to make me smile on the inside - you keep life light and bubbly and I am so grateful that we’ll forever be family friends and have shared our entire lives together. OH and I can’t wait to start planning your baby shower with Anna and holding your rugrat this year is going to be the most tremendous JOY!

Sara
I cannot believe we have known each other for over 10 years and that we’re embarking on our 30’s together. We spent an entire decade eating cinnastix, driving that golf cart, wrangling teenagers, and changing the world - it was the BEST! Thank you for teaching me to be confident and reminding me that I am beautiful and shine from the inside, for the amazing packages and all the happy mail that came from Alabama, the countless hours of phone conversations during our “free nights and weekends”, the graduation cruise and week at the beach house, for listening to me sob and laughing with me until we literally couldn’t speak anymore. God knew exactly what He was doing when He had Shawn Doss bring you to Shreveport, Louisiana that first summer - I needed you in my life then and I need you now! You’re amazing and iloveyou!

Emy
YOU are my WC SISTER. We spent that first glorious summer together and shared an experience that literally no one else understands. As we traveling through New Orleans, New York, Philadelphia, Washington DC, Canada, and then the SCARIEST RIDE EVER back to Georgia, you got to see pieces of my heart (and my insides) that were exposed only because we were serving together. The foundation of our friendship was built as we shared Christ with students and poured ourselves out wholly in hopes that others would come to know Him. What a beautiful beginning. I love that over the past 8 years He has continued to allow our friendship to root deeper and blossom, that we get to talk almost everyday, that we share the most meaningful and desperate moments with each other, that I was by your side as your walked down the aisle. The words could not be more true, “because I knew you, I have been changed for good.”

Carrie
You really are like my sister. You moved into my house for just the briefest period of time and you totally changed my heart and my life. I adore you. I love you. I think you’re the greatest thing ever and I can’t imagine my life without you and I pray I never ever have to know what that would actually be like. You’re beautiful and amazing and SO MUCH FUN. You choose me and have taught me that I am loved and wanted. You listen to my heart in moments of deep sorrow - you affirm me and make me feel so much less crazy. You bring so much joy and laughter into my life, reminding me to just enjoy things and not stress out quite so much. You have this amazing ability to just live fully - to let it all go and be present for whatever is happening. You teach me so much just by being you. Thank you for letting me be part of your family, for letting me love your littles and calling me aunt shell, for celebrating me always and making space for me in all seasons and stages of your life. I am truly blessed and honored and grateful to call you my best.

J
No one has ever made me feel more wholly accepted and perfectly loved JUST AS I AM than you. I learn more from you literally every time we are together. You teach me to be brave and confident in me and to find my voice and use it. We have the best conversations with great depth and meaningful nuggets of truth and revelation. There is nothing better than an evening cuddled up on your couch just being together. You make life feel easier and more breathable and give me motivation to keep going. You have been present for some of the ugliest head moments and always show up with cherry 7-up at just the right time. Thank you for always celebrating my life choices and letting me live life with you - it is truly a great honor and joy! 

Shanzie
When we started life group I would have never thought I would get to call you my closie. I thought you were so wise and had so many amazing friends and yet the Lord had something different in mind. I have loved the myriad of conversations we’ve shared over the past few years, talking about the Lord and the work He is doing in our lives and hearts, watching Him take you from a wife to a mama and getting to walk beside you through the transition. You’ve done it so very beautifully. You have a heart for the Lord that inspires and encourages me to seek Him and love Him more. Thank you for introducing me to Filling Station blueberry pancakes and being up for a frozen mojito on mama’s night out, for letting me be a hot mess on the comfiest part of your couch and truly believing in me. I think you’ve been rooting for my dreams loudly from the very beginning and that means more than you’ll ever know. I remember the very first conversation we had about CHOSEN and how excited you were for me - I was scared and you didn’t have any hesitations - you knew I was made for this and YOU WERE RIGHT! The Lord gave me a great and wonderful gift in you!

Gan
11 years of laughing and adventuring and living the crazy life. I have done more with you than I ever dreamed and I am so incredibly glad. We lived the single life to the fullest and made our weekends count that is FOR SURE. Thank you for teaching me to love coffee to the max and shop like a pro, for the frequent trips to Happy Feet and the total lack of judgement when I order feta fries for lunch, for dancing with me at Kenzie’s wedding, honey boo boo drinking games, watching every movie regardless of how questionable, for revealing you can convince me to do anything by putting the word “friendship” before it and the amazingly hideous “friendship romper” I still have in my pj pile, and for the many conversations that have molded and shaped who I have become. I am so thankful for you and blessed by you and love our adventurous adult friendship. We did it - we grew up - and pretty darn well - and we did it together in all the best ways!

Kenz
When you started working at EvFree (and let’s not count that first summer, because we both know you vacationed a lot more than you worked at the beginning) I had no idea that you would be SO MUCH MORE than just a co-worker. Coffee breaks at 10 and 3 and pizza fridays were fun, but I am so glad you’re a forever friend. You’re one of the kindest people I know and you would go out of your way to care for almost anyone. You have done airport duty more times than I can count and you’ve done it with a smile every single time! You’ve taught me a lot about compassion and always being up for the adventure. Your wedding will forever hold some of my very favorite memories - we laughed so hard and you were so incredibly happy. Our lives look a little different now, but I love that we’ll always have Christmas adventures and dinner dates to keep our hearts close.

Shalina
I just gave my little sister that polka dot shower curtain for her new house in Oregon and it felt like a significant loss, ha. I remember being roommates and the joy of coming home to you each day - you were one of my absolute favorite housemates of all time. I remember the day you got engaged, your bridal shower and bachelorette, and helping you with your makeup the day you got married. I remember crying the day of your baby shower and you coming back to hug me, and then getting to come see you the day you had sweet Liam. I’m so thankful for all the days I can remember and look forward to making millions more memories in the years to come. Thank you for loving me headaches and all, for being there to pray for me in the dark nights. Thank you for all the lunches, all the words of encouragement, all the moments you’ve faithfully rooted for me and cheered for me and reminded me it’s gonna be ok! You’re a gem!

Joy
Who would have thought being bridesmaids together would spur us on into this great friendship - I could have NEVER guessed, but I also could not be more glad! I adore you. Our heartbeats are so similar and your joy is insurmountable. Thank you for letting me be a mess and for crying right along with me. Thank you for the glorious escape to San Francisco when I just needed to run away, and for making me feel so ridiculously loved and overwhelmingly blessed that weekend. Thank you for the ways you show up in my life in text messages and voicemails and the cutest packages. For the hope you inspire as you speak truth and remind me that success is not measured in marital status and that being a bridesmaid is a sign of a wonderful and tremendously blessed life because we are RICH in friendship and get to be present to love on and celebrate others. We have gotten SO GOOD at that (even if we’ve worn some ugly dresses)! You are one of the brightest spots in my life and I can’t wait for our next escapade! COME VISIT!

Mands
God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought you into my life. I didn’t realize how desperately I needed you, but He surely did. I am so thankful for you - my gorgeous and radiant friend in this same season of life. Oh 29 and single. Sweet friend, you love the Lord with every ounce of your heart and truly seek to serve Him with every bit of your life. I have learned to love deeper and lean in more just by walking beside you. Processing and navigating this season of celebration and sorrow is bearable in a whole new way because we’re in this together. I am so thankful to have you beside me, cheering for me, praying for me, loving me and seeing my heart. You say I sparkle and I (almost) believe you. You hold my heart in the most cautious and extraordinary way, you listen intently and hear so much more than just the words I say. You show up in my phone first thing in the morning encouraging me to be brave and keep going and somehow give me the inspiration to actually do it. I am deeply touched and forever changed by who you are and the love you’ve so generously provided. Thank you for being my mirror and reflecting for me the best pieces of myself when I just can’t see that girl. You’re a beautiful and amazing treasure. #psiloveyou

#lovebeingauntshell

I think it’s time to talk about the nine (yes, that’s right, THERE ARE 9) rug rats that make my heart so incredibly happy. It wouldn’t be right to contemplate the things I’m thankful for as we countdown to 30 without mentioning them. Seriously they’re the best. Nothing can make life seem lighter and easier and a lot more fun than an afternoon or evening or maybe even a morning (though I pass on mornings as often as possible) with one of my bitties.

Madeline Mary Swope came first. I remember EXACTLY where I was the moment she was born, the moment she made me aunt shell. I was in the Prayer Room at EvFree Fullerton - it was a Monday afternoon - and I was in an Administrative Assistant Meeting led by Kathy Buchholz, my boss. I was sitting on this green couch and a text came in with a picture of the most perfect little girl - she looked just like a little baby doll - I started crying instantly and had no idea my heart would change so quickly. She owned me from that very first picture. I held my little M a few days later and I have literally never been the same - never have I loved anyone quite so much! Mads lived in San Diego, California for the first several years of her life and I loved that - it meant I got to drive down on weekends and spend time with her, to be present for her birthday celebrations, to deliver Easter baskets, celebrate virtually any family holiday, hold her in church on a Sunday morning and watch her dance. I got to watch her grow up. It was a dream come true. In January 2013 my brother was stationed in Oahu, Hawaii so the entire family had to move, ergo things changed substantially. Now I send packages and visit as often as possible. She is undoubtedly one of my favorite little people on the planet, and my heart aches to laugh with my best girl, but I praise the Lord for FaceTime and snail mail!

Next up was Izzy Mae Sanchez, my best’s daughter. Carrie got pregnant with Iz while we were still roommates and truthfully I think some of the deepest roots of our friendship developed as little Iz grew in utero. Walking beside Carrie through that time was full of profound moments for me and my relationship with the Lord as well - I learned entirely new things about forgiveness and grace and His love for us even in our guilt and shame. He embraced Carrie and Joe fully and as they were honest and humble, He healed and restored and watching the transformation and maturity was beautiful and breathtaking. Izzy was born on December 19 - I was at the hospital early that morning as Carrie labored and got to hold her hand and pray over her as she waited to welcome her girl into this world. That evening when I came back to the hospital to hold Izzy for the first time, the tears just couldn’t be contained - as I stared into her perfection and prayed blessings over her I remember being completely captivated and wholly in awe of the good work the Lord had done. Izzy was diagnosed with Biliary Atresia when she was 2 months old and would end up getting a liver transplant before she was 8 months old. The journey with Carrie and Iz was one that cannot possibly be explained but is undoubtedly one that has forever changed me - we saw the Lord’s faithfulness in indescribable portions as He sustained us and provided hope in our desperation. He chose to give Izzy life and He allowed us to keep her here on earth. Grateful doesn’t even begin to describe it.

Charlotte Rose Swope was born very late on a Sunday night and I was blessed to be in the room and on the phone with her daddy who was in Texas at Officer Commissioning School for the entire event. I will forever cherish the memories of getting to be present with my sweet sister Jamie that day. Jamie married my big brother Kevin when I was only 20 and has been part of my life since I was probably 12 or 13. She doesn’t feel like a sister-in-law but really like a sister, she’s family and I am so thankful to have her. Charlotte has personality galore and is truthfully hilarious. She makes awesome faces and is a total spitfire. I haven’t gotten to spend nearly as much time with C as she was born only 6-weeks before the big move to Hawaii but she is endearing and I adore her nonetheless - she is my blondilocks and I can’t wait to squeeze her again soon.

Siena Rose Key was next up to call me aunt shell. Matt and Shannon were in my life group for two years and we all got super close while Izzy was sick. An experience like that really does change you and it bonded us for life. Siena belongs in a Dr. Seuss book - she looks like she lives in whooville and is so darling. I was playing with her the other day and she had us all laughing until we were in tears. She loves blueberries and willingly holds my hand and is just starting to say shell. She melts me.

Rory James Sanchez was my first nephew and I got to be in the room when he made his grand entrance as well - what a gloriously joyful experience that was. Carrie asked me to take pictures of Rory’s birthday and it was truly my honor and privilege to be beside my best that day. Because I was responsible for the photographs, I took in every single detail and it was astounding. To see Carrie’s mom tenderly holding her hand, the nerves all over Joe’s face as he waited anxiously for the pain to pass, how slowly the minutes passed on the clock as the infant bed warmed, and how quickly everything happened once it was finally time for Carrie to push. Holding Rory and loving on him in those first moments of his life was radiantly beautiful and I will forever be moved by my memories of that day. Rory is a happy little dude and makes THE BEST FACES, loves fruit snacks and gives great kisses.

Jason Edward Swope was born in September of 2014 - he’s the first Swope boy - and he is middle named after my daddy. When Jamie told me they were expecting again it was a total shock as they were definitely done, but God had other plans and life just wouldn’t be the same without baby J. I flew out to Hawaii the day after Thanksgiving to meet the new little man and loved every second of holding him tight and just soaking him in. He is the calmest and most laid back of all the Swope kids. He just sits there and watches everything happening around him. Perhaps it’s because he’s the third baby or maybe it’s because he’s a boy, but either way he is a happy and easy-going guy and he owns my heart in a way that is entirely different than his big sisters. I have a feeling he is going to have me wrapped and will be able to convince me to do ANYTHING for him - he’s a dangerous one, that’s for sure!

Liam Michael Truglio was born to my dearest friend Shalina and I met him on his very first day of life as well. He was itty bitty and so cute. Shalina was my roommate before she married Craig and praise the Lord, she is one of the few roommates I’ve remained close to and loved long after she moved out. I threw her a bridal shower, attended her bachelorette, coordinated her wedding, and got to throw a shower to welcome baby Liam as well. Through the years we’ve had many a heart talk and I am so honored to call her one of my best friends. She has seen more tears than I care to admit and loves me headaches and all. Watching her take on this new role as a mama is a beautiful and wonderful gift.

Adelynn Rae Garcia was born on December 12 to my lifelong best friend Anna. I grew up with Anna and four-year-old Shelly always envisioned having a little girl right alongside her. I think because we were best friends and had so much fun playing barbies and school, having slumber parties and getting in trouble for talking too late in the night, singing in church together on friend Sunday and vacationing in Carlsbad together I just wanted so desperately to give my little girl that same experience. Growing up with Anna was one of my very favorite things. Anticipating Adelynn meant burying some of those childhood dreams and embracing a new reality - one in which I would love Anna’s baby girl furiously and wholeheartedly, but without a little girl of my own. There were definitely mixed emotions and Anna was so gracious. I remember the day she told me she was pregnant and that very first trip to target to buy two onesies (with bicycles on them!) - one for a boy and one for a girl not knowing who she would be yet! I was SO excited for Anna and Daniel and had no doubt they would make the most amazing parents. Together with Anna’s older sister Sarah and our other childhood best friend Jenny we threw a darling “cute as a button” baby shower and then before I knew it Anna was headed to the hospital and I was driving to San Diego to meet sweet Addie Rae! Oh how I love that little girl. I can’t wait to wait to teach her the important things like how to paint her nails and where to find the best accessories. I have a feeling her mommy and I are going to take her on lots of dates and that sounds just right to me!

Jackson James Key was born just a few weeks ago and he’s the newest addition to the aunt shell crew. Jack is Siena’s little brother and he is all kinds of cute and cuddly wonderfulness. He was born on Valentines Day and definitely added some extra love to this world we live in. I’ve gotten to squeeze him twice so far and I am ready for our next swaddled staring session for sure! He fits just right in my arms and already secured a place in my heart!

Truly I cannot encapsulate the love I have for these tiny humans. On a day when the tears feel close and my heart wants to shatter, walking into Carrie’s house and having Izzy shout “IT’S AUNT SHELL” makes the world seem to stop spinning. Instantly I feel wanted and valued and needed again. When I can get out of town and escape to Hawaii, nothing is better than cuddling with Madeline or watching Charlotte run a muck or holding a sleeping Jason in my arms. A wet Rory kiss melts me and laughing with Siena while she tells me to pop helps me lose weight and simultaneously makes me just FEEL lighter. The joy cannot be contained and I am forever thankful and glad and tremendously blessed to have these glorious beams of sunshine in my life. I love being aunt shell!

choose to celebrate...

Well, it is officially March. which means we are DEFINITELY in the countdown to 30. OH MY GOODNESS. I don’t totally know what the next two weeks will look like from a heart perspective, but I plan to take a look back with gratitude and prayerfully look forward with hope and anticipation. This morning as I got ready I was pondering my twenties and thinking about how full of joy they have been, not just for me but for the people I have had the honor of doing life alongside. There is great joy in choosing to celebrate others rather than having your heart overtaken by jealousy. Jealousy is ugly and mean and a thief of all things good and wonderful in life. It makes you feel ugly on the inside and it sounds pretty ugly when people hear it spilling from your lips. It is a monster and it can swallow you whole. I am truly grateful that the Lord has given me the capacity to truly take joy in celebrating my friends and the amazing things that have happened in their lives throughout my twenties. I can say with ALL honesty that as I have cried tears of deep love and pure delight alongside friends that have fallen in love or felt their babies kick for the first time or even held those precious bundles in my arms, my heart has grown in tremendous ways and I wouldn’t change that for the world. I’ve gotten to witness wedding vows that took my breath away and been in the room for a baby’s first cry, I’ve stayed up in the middle of the night crying alongside a mama who thought she might lose her girl, and danced the night away in a bridesmaid dress, I’ve pre-gamed before bridal showers and post-gamed long after receptions were complete and every single one of those memories are priceless. Because of being single I’ve been able to be truly present for my friends - to share in their celebrations - to embody Romans 12:15 and “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” It hasn’t always been easy and I’ve had to pray the Lord would give me His heart, but He has faithfully reminded me of the gift I get to be because of being unattached. I don’t have the same sense of urgency to get home because no one is there waiting for me. My heartbeat is for my people - and my evenings and weekends are spent alongside them, living life to the fullest in their worlds, and truly I wouldn’t trade that. I am sure the day will come eventually when I will have a husband and family of my own and I will miss the days of getting to meet a friend for dinner, or galavanting with my Biola loves all Sunday afternoon. Right now time and space are mine to give away and I choose to pour them out generously, to be deeply invested and as present as possible for those I love. There is great joy in choosing to celebrate others. I have done just that - and as I embark on this next great decade, I don't think you'll see that stopping any time soon!