glimpsing the radiant ripple...

This weekend I went to camp with my favorite teens. It was hard and exhausting (par usual) but mostly, it was a gift. Mostly in the midst of all that hard, I saw how far I have come and how far we have come together. Mostly for the first time in so many years I had space and freedom to actually have conversations with some exceptional teens who have faced extraordinary and overcome MUCH and they are beautiful. They cried and they shared and they let me walk alongside and they want to continue to grow and I am amazed by them. I am PROUD of them. I am grateful for their stories and their strength and the way they inspire me to press on. I see Jesus all around them - and I know He is at work.

On Sunday morning as we celebrated our camp graduates, I realized that we could have seen them 5 times in the last 5 years…but instead we have seen them 45 times because of this crazy thing God planted within me called CHOSEN. In the next year we will add another ten times to that for a grand total of 55 shared events. I had no idea five years ago when Connie and Rachel and Amy started talking to me about this tiny dream that it would become a drumbeat in my heart - a passion - the thing I would mark time by and build my life around. CHOSEN is central to nearly every major decision I make. I cannot imagine my life without it anymore - and frankly, I don’t want to - it is joy and fulfillment and one of the most incredible motivations to seek Christ with all my heart. I want to be present for them and to shine His light in their lives and without His constant strength, I am not enough. Only by His power can CHOSEN provide true hope and be meaningful and significant in the lives of these teens. 

That said, as I engaged with teens at camp, as I watched them cheer one another on at the ropes course or make s’mores together (so so many s’mores) or laugh throughout soccer games or share stories while wearing ridiculous face masks or sing during worship, it was so very evident that God has marked them and they may not know Him yet - but they are willing to hear about Him and they are being shaped and changed and growing in character and those steps forward are everything. They are all I have prayed for and they are what He is asking of us and I am so overwhelmed with gratitude and overcome by the grandeur of a dream so small that has become something so deep and permeating and truly life-changing not just for me - but for so many. I guess it really was a glimpse of this ripple effect - of so many lives - of so much hope and the power of possibility - and I pray I can take hold of that peek He gave and run full force toward Jesus - to God be the glory great things He has done! 

hope.

The past few days - maybe weeks, I have found myself regularly reaching for my giving keys necklace. It was a gift from my dear sweet friend Amanda in the midst of a particularly challenging season. On the face of the key, inscribed is the word HOPE. I find I am a particularly leaky vessel when it comes to hope. I strain to hold onto it, and yet it filters through my fingers and fades away. I always need more…just another ounce. 

Last night, I was lying on my bed…on an ice-pack…and basically preaching to myself as the tears poured down my cheeks. Reminding myself of Truth. Speaking the words out-loud, praying they would resonate with my soul. “You are loved. You are worthy and acceptable and approved, exactly as you are in this very moment. Even if you are never married and never have a family of your own - you are living your BEST LIFE if you are chasing after Jesus and living in the very center of His will. His best dreams for you are the only adventures you can ever hope for - they’re more than you can imagine. You do not have to see it now. You do not have to make sense of this. You do not have to feel it in this moment, and it is ok to wrestle with all of it. BUT YOU ARE WANTED AND YOU ARE CHOSEN. The Creator of the entire universe picked you…you are not small in His sight, you are precious and beloved and you must cling tight.”

It is SO easy to let the circumstances of our lives and the feelings of the moment dictate our responses and reactions. Pain is real. For me pain is real both physically and emotionally, and yet God is the Author of every detail. He is able. He is sovereign. Where He is limitless, I am so very human and thereby exceptionally limited. If I allow the gravity of my past or even my current circumstances to dictate my future expectations, I stop trusting the voice of my Father. I have to keep approaching the throne with confidence - and I lose all sense of boldness and courage if I am looking at the weakness and frailty of nature - I have to look at the face of my King. FOR I KNOW WHOM I HAVE BELIEVED AND AM PERSUADED THAT HE IS ABLE! 

“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: if we asking anything according to his will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of Him.” 1 John 5:14-15

Only there will I find hope…and courage…and expectancy. Only there can I put aside the thoughts that seem to fill my mind with words like impossible and steady myself in Him alone. 

loving well...caring a lot...and trusting Him most.

I have always been a bridge builder. No, I don’t mean literal bridges. I mean the kind where you lay down so people can walk on you, over you, across you - and ultimately get to someone else. THAT KIND of bridge. I’m the friend who gets bruised and broken again and again. And then, when I think I have given every last bit I have, when I think I literally don’t have one ounce or smidge left, I find just a little bit more. Truth telling, I don’t know how to not care. Even when I’m completely out of love, when I’m wrung dry - there is still 5% down deep in me somewhere. 

I can’t tell you how many friends have brutally wrecked my heart. They likely have no idea it happened; and I’m not saying it is entirely their fault either. Nothing ever is. I’ve never been one to walk away or let go easily. I don’t take the idea of “friends for a season” very well and I end up getting my heart broken. Since I was a little girl my dad has told me my capacity for love is my greatest gift and will always bring me pain. 

Last week one of my dearest friends lost her dad to cancer. Our friendship has been somewhat challenging throughout the past few years, and the past six months have been distanced to say the least. I chose me. I chose boundaries and even though I fully believe it was the healthier and better choice, in this moment it feels totally wrong. I told her in March when we ran into each other that I would be there for her when this moment came, and I meant in. A few weeks ago I knew the end was drawing closer and I sent flowers. I have been consistent in sending texts to remind her I was praying and that I cared - but I haven’t actually seen or had deep and meaningful conversation with her throughout much of this year. Only 20 minutes after her dad died, she told me. I suppose if you are family - that reality doesn’t just fade or disappear even if there is a season of distance. I walked into the celebration of life on Friday afternoon and her mom welcomed me warmly. She hugged me tightly and said, “I’m so glad my other daughter is here.” I was asked to sit in the front row alongside the immediate family and to attend the private meal following the public reception. It was my honor. 

I fell into my role as aunt shell with ease - I laughed alongside the kiddos and chased them around, making sure they were entertained and trying to keep them out of their parent’s hair at least for periods of time. But my heart aches as I looked at my friend. I longed to sit across from her and hear her heart - to know how she was really doing - and yet I also knew I wasn’t the one she would choose to share those stories with, and maybe I won’t be ever again. How do you love well and care well and give much when you’re also letting go? How to you protect yourself from falling apart when you’re invested but you’re also walking away? How do you hope for more and still say - grateful for now. 

Dear Lord, I entrust my dear friend to your care. I give you her heart and know You are at work in her life regardless of what I ever see or know of her days. Thank you for loving her infinitely more than I ever can…and loving me more than I understand as well. Thank you for holding my heart and promising to provide abundantly more than I need. Be strong and gentle and gracious as I seek your face, and wash over us both with Your love. Healing is forever in Your hands Jesus.