the insta top 9...

According to instagram, my life consists of coffee, nail polish, and clothes. I promise you there is more depth and substance to me than that. As the year wraps up, I decided to review my posts and select 9 highlights from insta that (somewhat) accurately depict my year. 

1. My Biola Loves. The beginning of the year was marked by their big bad birthday bash complete with silly string and a t.swift dance party and it was undoubtedly a highlight of the year - full of laughter - but also some really tender conversation and special moments as we watched the sunset over the crashing waves. These girls captured my heart in huge ways in 2015 and truly have forever changed me. I am grateful.

2. Emy came to California. In February I got to spend one glorious weekend with my #bestforlife Emy. We exchanged Christmas gifts, went to Balboa Island for ice-cream and the questionable bike for three, got foot massages and ate mexican food. We shared our hearts in a hotel bed and it was abundantly clear that the Lord gave me a good and perfect gift in my World Changers teammate all those years ago - I could not have prayed for better. 

3. #happy30life. On March 12 I turned 30. I will be totally honest and say it was hard saying goodbye to my 20’s and burying dreams I thought I would have realized. Nevertheless, the 30’s dawned with new hope and possibilities and I was ready to claim the decade and live well in the midst of it. Amanda threw me a surprise party and Carrie and Jenny whisked me off for a wine tasting weekend extravaganza. It was just what my heart needed - a little reassurance that regardless of season or stage of life, I was loved and we would keep walking forward together. 

4. All the headaches. 2015 was a hard year - the hardest year truthfully. It hurt in huge ways and my life changed. I grew and the Lord definitely used a season in the desert to mold and shape me - but would I have PICKED all the pain? No. 2015 was a year of stripped away, of coming to the end of me, of learning to let people in, sharing the hard stuff, accepting help, letting some people walk away and picking up the pieces of my broken heart as I watched them go, of seeing the people who would stay and living in the tremendous gratitude of those friendships and the Lord’s amazing provision, of choosing where to spend my time and energy because there just wasn’t as much of it to go around, of letting Him be enough and claiming that He is a good Father and I am loved regardless of circumstances and letting that faith be the outpouring of my life. It was a hard  year, but a year that will forever mark my life and my course with the Lord. 

5. Sara came to California. In early June, my World Changers best friend Sara was awarded a gastric sleeve in recognition for her humanitarian efforts and because the Lord is soo good, she got to have the surgery in Orange County, which just happens to be RIGHT where I live. I got to be by her side through the entire thing and it was an amazing and abundant blessing! We got to have dinner and catch up the night before surgery and then I got to hold her hand and pray with her just before they took her in and see her up and about the following day. It was truly amazing! We have never lived in the same state, so sharing something like this was a gift from above and one I will forever thank Him for.

6. CHOSEN. The foster teens I work with will forever be written on my heart. I don’t know why the Lord saw fit to empower me to lead them - I am not at all sure I am capable - but I am humbled and honored and rejoice in the privilege it is to be the hands of Jesus in their lives. 

7. The Swopes of Hawaii came home. My brother and his family moved to Hawaii almost 3 years ago now and to say I miss them would be a gross understatement. Madeline and Charlotte and Jason are 3 of my very favorite humans on this planet. They can make the darkest and hardest of days bright and hilarious and overflowing with joy. This summer we got to spend a bit of time together playing at grandma’s, going out to breakfast, shopping, eating donuts and going to chickfila, chomping on some mexican food, hanging in the pool, napping, and just being together. It was a dream. I wish we could do it all the time - but I savor every single minute and though the goodbye always comes too fast, I hold on tight to those memories and pray the next round of fun is seemingly right around the corner. 

8. Mands. This is the first FULL year of walking side by side with Amanda Jennifer Young. Friendship has always been extremely important to me, but this year is profoundly marked by my friendship with Mands. She and I have shared much and the Lord has used her in tremendous ways in my heart and life. I am grateful and words will never fully encapsulate the gift He gave me in her, but as she moves into a new chapter as Mrs. Amanda Jennifer Roth in 2016, I cannot help but stop and thank the Lord for a beautiful and wonderful 2015 building a solid foundation with my Mands - a friendship that will undoubtedly continue for years to come (though there may be countries between us and we may never share a season again). We had something beautiful in 29 and single - we have learned how to walk together and pray together and sit in the mess together and I will forever cherish this first year with her. 

9. FRIENDYFRIENDS. I think it goes without saying that I couldn’t have made it through this year without my friends. My top used hashtag is #friendsaremypeople and it is 100% true. Friends are life-giving to me and so often they are the ones that provide the hope, the courage, the confidence to take that next step forward. They see a version of me I will never see in myself - celebrating me at every turn - loving me - and reminding me I am worth loving. Life would be a sad and empty reality without the joy and laughter and significance PEOPLE bring to our existence. We need our friends, and I do not take them for granted - I adore them and treasure them - they are my people and I choose them every time! 

merry christmas.

30 years is not enough...

Well, let’s just say it wasn’t quite the weekend I expected…

I went to San Diego to celebrate Adelynn Rae’s 1st birthday. And truth be told we did just that. On Saturday evening around a table at Sammy’s Woodfired Pizza, just her mommy, her daddy, and me (aunt shell). A waiter placed a ridiculously large and delicious chocolate sundae in front of her and we sang to the birthday girl. She lit up and Anna blew out her candle. She put her hand into the chocolatey mess without hesitation and reached back in multiple times enjoying every second of the ooey-gooey delight. We took pictures and laughed at her. Moments of perfection, emblazoned upon my brain. I will cherish them. 

On either side of that birthday sundae, Anna I cut snowflakes, and hung garland as we turned the house into Adelynn’s winter ONEderland in anticipation of her (perhaps slightly ridiculous) big bad birthday party scheduled for Sunday evening. There were approximately 60 people coming to celebrate the birthday girl and when I left Saturday night, there was still much to do! We had spent quite a bit of time planning and designing and crafting and Sunday was the big day. I saw Anna at church that morning, she even sang, however as she left church she said she wasn’t doing very well and might have to lie down at home for a while. Anna had already told me that on Friday she had horrible pain…and Saturday she had some definite hard moments but then was doing much better…but the pain was back…and Anna was pregnant so we knew what it could potentially mean. I went to coffee and by the time I headed to Anna’s house she had decided she needed to go to the ER. I stayed with sweet Adelynn and continued party prep while waiting for news from the ultrasound. Too soon I got the text that read, “no heartbeat.” I cried for my dear friend knowing the pain that would accompany that loss. And held sweet Adelynn tight for a moment. Then came the second text - it was an ectopic pregnancy and it ruptured - she was bleeding into her abdomen and would need emergency surgery. There would be no party. Anna was headed to the OR. I got Adelynn down for her nap and then started to clean up the house - I left all the major decor as it was knowing Anna would still want to throw that shin-dig very soon, but also understanding Daniel would need some calm and clean and organization to the chaos if he was going to survive this whirlwind with his wits in tack. All the food went into the freezer so it could be used at a later date, and Daniel’s mom arrived to stay with Addie girl. There really wasn’t anything for me to do but head back to Orange County. It was an eerie strange feeling to leave town knowing my best friend was unconscious on an OR table. I sent her mom a text expressing that I was just so sad to leave like this and then loaded the car and headed for home. The Lord was gracious and kind and spared my dear Anna. She had over 2 liters of blood in her belly and it truly was a grave situation. I got to FaceTime with her and text quite a bit later that evening. We got all weepy and sentimental. We have been best friends for 30 years and it wouldn’t have been enough. 

In the Lord’s gracious mercy, He had me exactly where I needed to be this weekend - right by Anna’s side. I got to help with party preparations even if there was no party, I got to celebrate Adelynn on her birthday and see her dig into that ice-cream sundae, and I got to hold her tight when her mama needed me in the scary moments. Living away from Anna I often miss being there for the hard stuff and this time I was present in the thick of it all and I truly am grateful. I am tremendously thankful for Anna and the years we have spent walking together and the deep rich bond we share. I am also thankful because I am “unattached” - I am able to show up and pour in and be present in the lives of those I love. I truly believe the Lord has developed this part of me over the years as my people have become my family and the propelling heartbeat of my life. As I stood in the midst of the storm this weekend, I was deeply moved because circumstances allow me to just pick up and go and be there for moments large and small. It may not always be true, but for right now, I will choose to praise Him and celebrate that gift. The gift of being present. The gift of pouring out. The gift of drawing close. The gift of getting to choose my direction and adventure. The gift of friendship - what precious and priceless gift it is.  

great is Thy faithfulness...

The lyrics to Great is Thy Faithfulness say…strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow…as I listened to the song on repeat this morning, the tears just poured. Oh how desperately I need both. I am a leaky vessel. I cannot hold onto hope and trying is exhausting. 

It is almost 2016 and as I reflect on 2015 I remember right where it started. I was in the car driving back from San Diego after the (kiss less) traditional New Years Eve festivities watching the miles pass by talking on the phone with my dear sweet Mands - she was crying, admitting the longing and deep desire for a husband, the cry of her heart to be loved and to walk into the next season of life - I cried along with her echoing her heart and reminding her that she wasn’t alone. 2015 was her year. She has a Tanner now and in 2016 she will walk down the aisle, say I do, and become Mrs. Amanda Jennifer Roth. 2015 was NOT my year. Not one date, not one inkling of real hope except in watching Amanda’s story unfold and the promise that God is faithful revealed on repeat in her life. Her story is a beautiful testament to His love for His children; but it isn’t my story and if I am really honest, on some level, it made the longing even deeper and more profound. 

I still live in the tension of being asked to cling to Him in hope and be patient in trusting His plan. He isn’t desperate, He isn’t anxious, He isn’t a leaky vessel. He doesn’t wonder IF or WHEN I will meet my husband. He knows. He is the FULLNESS of hope. He is restoration. He is the planter of the seeds of all the dreams I have and the fulfillment of every desire in my heart. All throughout the Bible there are examples of the Lord asking His people to wait - and those who waited patiently reaped the greatest reward. I long to be found as a faithful servant who rests and trusts the ultimate vision of her Father who undoubtedly has her best at heart and sees a picture far greater than she can comprehend. I do not want to grumble or complain or scoff at the manna and abundant provisions He blesses me with because they aren’t the depiction of what I have envisioned. I understand my life is not empty. I see the beautiful picture and yet, the tears still pour. As I work on Amanda’s wedding invitations and craft with Anna for Adelynn’s first birthday party, when I opened the text with a picture of sweet Adelynn announcing she is a big sister meaning my lifelong best friend Anna is officially pregnant with baby number 2 and think about all that 2016 will hold I can’t help but crumble just a smidge. Oh how I wanted to be pregnant with Anna or raise our babies together. How fun it would have been to double date with Amanda. The hope seems to drain instantly and it feels incomprehensible that new dreams will ever be as good as the ones I am having to bury. Perhaps 2016 will be my year. Perhaps not. Undoubtedly I will still be human - and patience will not come easily. I will remain a leaky vessel and will need the Lord to provide an abundance of hope for it will continue to drain out of me even as I cling to Him. Even still may my heart ever sing…

“Great is Thy faithfulness O God my Father, there is no shadow of turning with Thee; Thou changes not, Thy compassions, they fail not, as Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be…strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.”

waiting for joy...

The heart, such an interesting part of human existence. Some days it seems to handle business and take things in stride. Other days it just can’t pull it together and it threatens to explode or fall into total disrepair at any given moment. Today is a disaster day. I woke up and was in tears almost instantly. All it took was a tiny thought. It welled up from deep within me and the ache was just too big. 

I was reading a blog this morning - the first day of advent - and the author’s words just rang so true:

“hope seems to have thin reins this year…may we see our sorrow, our grief, our difficulties as they are without trying to extract meaning or closure before their time has come…may we give sadness room to breathe even as we wait for the joy to come…”

It has been a challenging year for me on all fronts. Work has been tumultuous and exhausting, my head has never been worse. I have watched dear friends get married, fall in love, have babies. I have watched them move into new chapters of their lives while I have been left longing and waiting and trying to remain steadfast and hopeful. It is easy to KNOW the Lord has a perfect plan, it is much harder to rest and live in peace that His timing is supreme and that He is both able and sovereign and for whatever reason is choosing to say - not you, not now. I have sat at the foot of the cross on more than one occasion and begged for grace and mercy, for Him to give me the capacity to walk forward with joy, to help me choose gratitude instead of bitterness, to continue to serve and pour out even though I feel empty and depleted. He is faithful. Even in the moments when my heart feels shattered, He is bigger and more and He sees and hears even the words I can’t speak because the pain is too great. When the world seems to minimize the feelings or just can’t quite comprehend, He promises understanding. He doesn’t ask me to mask the weary or pretend it’s all ok, but to come to Him heavy laden and burdened and He will give me rest. What a beautiful invitation. To lay the sorrows at His feet, to allow Him to care and carry the heaviness and the weight of the tears. I don’t know when the pangs of disappoint with cease or if His perfect plan for my life includes the deepest desires of my heart - but I do know that He chose me and He is enough. My humanity my scream otherwise, but the truth in the depths of my soul shall ever be, it is well.