shopping for a husband.

I started online dating again. It’s a humble admission because I haven’t actually gone on any dates so I’m not sure it qualifies as dating at this point. It’s more like browsing with very little product information and no promise of finding a good fit. I guess all online shopping is a bit that way - but usually a few days later a cute little package arrives on your doorstop bringing pure joy. (I might have just revealed a different problem I should focus on resolving… but alas). 

I’m currently using Coffee Meets Bagel because it is free and I’m not sure I’m willing to spend my cold hard cash on a dating service when we’re in a pandemic and therefore can’t even go on real dates. The benefit of dating has to be trying new places, experiencing new things, making memories, right? It can't be the multitude of awkward moments. Like when you’re trying to locate the person you’ve been chatting with online, who may or may not look anything like the teeny tiny profile picture you’ve seen on your mobile device at only 72dpi. Or when the guy drinks six beers at lunch. Or compliments your teeth. Or eats numerous mints and then asks if you want to go for a walk around the parking lot because he isn’t quite ready to say goodnight to you yet. 

I would like to blame my lack of dates on COVID-19, but truth-telling, I haven’t made any real connections. I chatted with this guy named Andrew for a couple weeks, he even offered me his phone number before our “connection window timed out” but I am already bored. Isn’t there is supposed to be some spark, some enthusiasm, some witty repartee. I am just not sure I’m cut out for this, but I can’t let myself quit either. If I really do want a husband someday I have to be willing to try. Even if it is mostly awkward. 

To hold myself accountable, I have set some ground rules: 

1. I have to “connect” with at least one guy per day - I cannot just say no to everyone. 
2. I have to go on a date if I am asked.
3. If I go on that date and it isn’t a definite no, I have to go on a second date if asked. 

Sounds simple enough but we all know it isn’t. I am not looking for just any guy. I am looking for my guy. After listening to Monica and Jess love boys (thanks Micaela & Megan) I made a list of the qualities I’m looking for in my dreamboat. I was supposed to limit to 10 non-physical attributes but I got it down to 12 and feel pretty good about that. If you happen to know my guy - PLEASE SET US UP! It sounds so much better than the endless scrolling and reading of online profiles all while hoping I’m not rejecting my guy because he says Crossfit is his #1 priority. 

LIST OF QUALITIES I WANT IN A HUSBAND: 

1. belief in Christ + desire for a wholehearted life of faith 
2. compassionate spirit / kind natured 
3. intentional communicator 
4. willing to grow
5. adventurous 
6. strong / willing to speak up 
7. ambitious - takes initiative toward goals / dreams 
8. trustworthy / genuine / authentic 
9. stable
10. intellectual 
11. hilarious / joyful 
12. invested in relationships with family & friends

B- for effort, F+ for performance.

Carlsbad always feels like coming home. When I arrived on Friday afternoon, I parked on Island Way, loaded up all my belongings and walked through the North Gate. Instantly the smell of the crunchy salt air overtook me. I walked over to the fence and stared over the cliffs to see the endless waves below. Nothing makes me feel safer than the small of standing and gazing at the ocean. If the God who created all that cares for me, I am ok. 

Growing up, we spent a week at Carlsbad State Beach every summer alongside many of our very favorite people from church. I have countless memories of those steps, that rocky shore, the mermaid world that existed in our imaginations as we floated for hours on our boogie boards, the years of the great raft, making lanyard keychains, our annual bike ride, even looking through wedding magazines. I grew up on that beach. I hope my kids will too. 

Anna and I decided we would relive our childhood and catch some waves this year. Amazingly, my parents still have my purple “Team Madrid” boogie board from childhood, so I attached the Velcro wrist strap and we headed out. The first few steps into the water were bitter cold, surprising, and sharp. The goosebumps came quickly. Anna and I have enough experience to know you’ve just got to go under. Once you’re all the way wet, the water is typically quite refreshing. We dove under the crashing waves and floated over the peaks, easily making our way to deeper water. We could barely touch. We determined we had arrived at the proper location and floated on our boards at the ready. When the wave comes, you’ve got to kick and paddle with all your might in hopes that you can ride the peak all the way through the crash and let it propel you towards the sandy shore. We waited for the next big set of waves to come in so we could prove our skills. Apparently we were way past the break… the waves weren’t coming. After some time, a relatively cute guy came swimming up to us asking if we were ok. Of course we were okay, we’ve been swimming in this ocean for years and we told him as much. He replied “because you look a little stuck.” We laughed. We didn’t feel even remotely stuck. I took the opportunity to ask him if he was single. I have been waiting a long time for my husband and I don’t want to miss him when he arrives. A guy who willingly swims out to rescue two totally capable women who are strapped to floatation devices out of the goodness of his heart would be a definite plus. He said unfortunately yes and I said me too with a hint of optimism in my tone. His response, “I am 17.” Apparently I look as old as I feel. 

When Anna and I finally caught some tiny, somewhat wimpy waves (the kind that easily propel small children who weight 65 pounds, but don’t quite have the power to carry grown women who definitely enjoy their share of food and drink) back to shore, Jenny’s dad Gary told me he gave us a B- for effort, but an F+ for performance. I guess we’ll have to try again another day. In the meantime, we have repeatedly laughed at yet one more Carlsbad memory made. I can always be SO GRATEFUL for that. 

Today feels somber and heavy. I woke up with a sense of longing in my heart and can feel the tears brewing… threatening to spill over. Today I feel ready for a husband, for a family of my own. In the midst of celebrating with friends I love dearly, that seed of desire has grown strong once again and I have to lay it back down. I have to entrust it once again to the care of my good God, the One who sees and knows and has a perfect plan. I have buried these dreams many times before, choosing to focus on the now and the story God is writing for me today. I will bury them again and trust that in His perfect timing, He will amaze me as He reveals plans so far beyond anything I could have dreamed. oh Lord, would YOUR BEST for me always be my BIGGEST DREAM.

ask for the Sprite.

I went on a business trip last week and it served as a reminder that I am a pleaser - DEEP TO MY CORE. It isn’t something I am proud of, but it is the truth. I traveled at the most obnoxious times, had trouble expressing what I wanted to eat / drink, and really couldn’t even stand up for myself even when the cost was exceptionally low. 

For example, we arrived at our hotel around 7:00am after a red-eye flight with virtually zero sleep. (I would like to add, the seats on that plane were literally the smallest I have ever encountered. The person sitting ahead of me was literally in my lap obscuring my view of my personal television. That seems wrong, just saying!). Our incredible Office Manager had booked two rooms each with a king size bed and paid for two nights to ensure we could check in promptly upon our arrival and get a quick nap in before heading to the Florida office. She knows us well - that red eye was gonna take every last bit of sanity we once had. My boss checks in smoothly and attaches the company credit card to my room. Praises. Then he heads upstairs to get his sleep on. As he departs, the (not so) lovely lady behind the front desk informs me that they’ve sold my room and they only have a parlor room available for me to use. Please note that a parlor room is basically a conference room with a pull-out couch - a far cry from the King bed we reserved and paid for. So what did I do? I said thank you and asked that they please let me know as soon as my room - with that big ol’ king-size bed was ready. I didn’t push for the correct room, I didn’t demand a refund, I wasn’t outraged. I headed right up to that parlor room and settled into that pull-out couch. It wasn’t comfortable, but I was horizontal and for some reason, at that moment THAT was all I could care about. On the plane ride home, the lovely flight attendant (she really was though) missed my drink order. When my boss pointed it out I responded, “Meh. It isn’t a big deal - I’ve got this water.” WHY?! Why couldn’t I just say excuse me, I would really like a Sprite. Can you please help me with that? Why do I feel like I can’t be an inconvenience to anyone ever? It is ridiculous. 

I have realized that I really do try to never be in the way. I try to make sure that what everyone else wants come first - for sure at the cost of my own desires. In fact, I do this so extensively that I’m honestly not even sure what I want much of the time. I’ve got to work on it. I want to be able to dream…to confidently take action knowing the steps I am taking are best for me. I recognize that I matter and my presence and hopes and desires are worthy of being shared and seen. So, next time I’ve gotta speak up with boldness - and ask for that Sprite! 

a wedding weekend to remember

Months ago, Reagan and Cody asked me to officiate their wedding. We met several times over coffee and chocolate chip pancakes, sushi, champagne slushes, and more coffee to ensure the ceremony was exactly as they hoped. Over the weekend, I traveled to Dripping Springs, Texas for the big day. It was a wondrous weekend…full of friendship and hugs and plenty of chips & queso! 

I arrived in Austin on Friday afternoon (after finishing a book - The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo - thanks for the recommendation Shanzie). I rented a car and drove immediately to San Antonio - to my best friend Amanda Roth. We enjoyed our traditional FIRST NIGHT IN TEXAS dinner at Chuy’s. I LOVE CHUY’S. After dinner, we spent the evening catching up and played a few raucous games of Monopoly Deal. It was a delight to steal a few minutes of calm and cherished with my best friend in advance of all the festivities. I wouldn’t have traded that for anything. 

Saturday morning came (way too early) and I was back on the road (two cups of coffee deep) headed to Dripping Springs for the rehearsal and bachelorette shenanigans. As a group of ladies, we headed straight for coffee…then went to an acrobatic class (where we laughed a TON and my abs just got sore - 3 days later) and ended our afternoon with some delicious eats at Hula Hut. It was honestly a really fun and casual day. That evening was the rehearsal dinner with more food than you can possibly comprehend - bacon wrapped jalapeños + pulled pork sliders + mac and cheese + potato salad + 2 different kinds of pasta salad + a green salad + chips and salsa - ALL BEFORE WE GOT TO DESSERT - mini cheesecakes, oreo cake, tiramisu, an apple / cinnamon roll concoction…honestly it was too much to take in and every last bite was absolutely delicious. A couple of us stayed up late into the night chatting it up in the bathroom of the Creek Haus - it was a really sweet time.

Sunday morning we got to sleep in, a rare treat in my life. I got up around 9am and got ready to head “into town”. I met Kimie (one of my best friends from college - and really the only one I am still in touch with) for breakfast. My sweet friend drove 3-hours EACH WAY to share a sub-par meal in an ordinary diner with ME. What an amazingly generous gift. Life together IN PERSON is really the best. 

I retuned to the venue to get ready with the girls. There aren’t words for how radiant Reagan looked in her wedding dress - or how she encapsulated hope and joy. She was the depiction of bridal bliss. In what seemed like only minutes, it was time to get mic’ed up and ready to begin. I quickly changed out of my regular outfit and put on my dress. The nerves kicked into gear and I headed downstairs to greet the gents and the family to get the ceremony underway. Everything went exactly as they hoped. Cody sobbed as Reagan walked down the aisle toward him and Reagan cheered that she had made him cry. The ceremony was equal parts tender and sweet alongside some hints of hilarious and a helping of truth. I was so honored to stand with them as they said their vows. It was intimate and it meant more than I could have imagined. I didn't realize until later that I had two bras on...changed too quick shell, changed too quick! 

After the wedding I headed back to San Antonio to spend Monday morning with Amanda. We lived the ordinary life - coffee and breakfast (pumpkin pancakes with chocolate chips) and then headed to H-E-B with our favorite little bud. We rounded through Starbys on the way home and then had a quick lunch before I got back in my rental and returned to the airport to head home. It was the perfect way to end a spectacular weekend (plus the guest bed at Amanda’s house is AMAZING!). 

If you asked me for the highlight of the weekend - it would have to be Cody. I don’t know him all that well, but he has already made me feel like a million bucks. He told his family that I have the purest heart of anyone he has met and at the wedding, he hugged me super tight and said he just couldn’t thank me enough for everything. It was so genuine and I am absolutely certain that he saw the reflection of Christ in me. I couldn’t ask for anything more. 

LIES.

“Life is just weird,” I said to a friend a couple days ago…”and I am living it.” Does something happen when you hit your mid-30’s to make you feel like you “should” be somewhere? I think I feel trapped and uncertain that I’m headed in the right direction. I am in a space I cannot control, doing the best I can, and feeling like a failure so much of the time. I want to be a positive and hopeful person. I have to search to find the joy and the good and not just be a complaining machine. 

Some of that might be based on the fact that throughout my life, I have come to believe lies. I think they’re fairly common lies - lies about being ENOUGH and simultaneously not too much. Lies that tell me being me isn’t really what others are hoping for, that leave me feeling even more uncertain and afraid. I know these things aren’t true - but if I’m honest - I fight them, A LOT! 

1. You are only beautiful if you’re skinny - like SKINNY SKINNY - and if you’re fully investing in your health and well-being at all times. You should work out daily (come on, it is just a walk) and you are not really allowed to eat anything that isn’t good for you. If you do, it is a bad choice. You should control your portions and remember that food is for sustenance NOT merely pleasure. 

2. In the scheme of life, everything is totally fine. A lot of people are experiencing circumstances SO MUCH WORSE than yours, so do not be a complainer. Shush. People do not want to hear your sob story and you will definitely be a weight on others if you choose to share with honesty or transparency. You are fine. You don’t need anything.

3. Being emotional is unnecessary. You can process through your emotions and utilize logic to find a better path forward. You don’t NEED to feel that way, so stop. Feelings are not realities and you probably should wrestle through them independently so you don’t weigh others down or come across as negative. 

4. Buying anything unnecessary is a total waste of money. You don’t need anything else so stop buying things…stop gifting things…stop eating out…stop! Be way more aware of your spending and live like you’re poor so someday you will be rich. Question every decision you make and then proceed ONLY with wisdom. 

5. There is probably something wrong with you. You’re 34 and no one has really dated you or pursued you. Every relationship you have ever attempted has been a fail - so you probably just can’t do this. Learn to be lonely. 

6. You are too loud - people don’t know what to do with all that - it is intimidating. If you could tone down and be a bit more “approachable” it would be best for everyone. You are definitely NOT COOL and people won’t ever see you that way, so accept yourself and get on with it. 

7. You’re too broken and no one wants to have to deal with all that. That is your problem that no one can solve and no one can even contribute positively to. Chances are, their solutions will be more hurtful, so be silent and continue to bear it - it isn’t fair for you to ask anyone else to be miserable too. 

8. You don’t really have a place to belong because your life looks different than everyone else’s…you missed the big thing that was supposed to happen and now you’re misunderstood and people don’t even want to understand. So don’t be honest - just show up for others - that is your role and your place now. 

Listen, I know who I am in Christ and I understand that these statements are not realities. I’m just learning over and over and over to confront the lies and search out the truth. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made…I know that God has a specific and beautiful purpose for my life….I know that because of all I have endured, God has refined me. NEVERTHELESS…life is weird and I am just not good at it. HA. Welcome to 34 friends - I’m still trying to get somewhere.

I have a lot of problems.

I want to eat (literally) everything in sight and I drink a disturbing amount of coffee. I am a full-grown adult but I really struggle to pack my lunch or eat dinner at home… and I really hate eating healthy for the most part. I will take the burger and fries or the california burrito over the greek salad any day. If I do choose that salad, you better believe there is chicken in every single bite. Raw vegetables are really only good if there is a delicious dip to go with them…but fruits - I can eat those all day - aka. sugar. Working out is one of my least favorite activities - even if working out is defined as a walk or a hike. No thank you. I’ll take my cues from Fat Amy in Pitch Perfect and do some horizontal running. 

I am perpetually tired. Like deep tired. Up until about a month ago - I didn’t bother to wash my face before jumping into bed at night. I have destroyed an embarrassing number of pillowcases with yesterday’s makeup. I watch a lot of tv and it isn’t wholesome on any level. I can push the “play next episode” button in my sub-conscious, half-asleep state. I can do that with the snooze button too. I can also still stay in bed until a ridiculous hour on a Saturday if I have nothing scheduled…and if that is the case, I typically cannot bring myself to prioritize productivity of any kind. Really. I sometimes buy new underwear just to put off doing laundry. 

I do not need any clothes whatsoever but I really love a new outfit, so I am always tempted. I’m a sucker for a “swipe up” link. My desires aren’t singularly focused on clothing either. I love a good beauty product, a cute shoe, something new for my house. Really, I just enjoy the FEELING of making a purchase. I should be putting money in the savings account but even as I do, I’m dreaming about emptying that out for my next international adventure. 

I always want another adventure. I want to explore and experience and taste and see and discover new beats to my heart as I take in culture. I don’t know if that is a problem per se, but it sure can be if it breeds discontentment or a lack of ability to see the GREAT in my life. I tend to focus in on the hard - the single, the pain, the monotony, the incapable, the overwhelmed instead of choosing to celebrate the tremendous extraordinary of everyday. I want to see the beauty. 

I am also driven by people pleasing and have yet to overcome that character flaw. I want everyone to like me and I want to do things for others. Always. I wrestle with the potential that I will disappoint or hurt anyone. I also struggle to be vulnerable and honest and let others in to truly care for me. I have a select handful of friends that I keep VERY close. Due to such, I often feel alone and misunderstood because others cannot see or anticipate my unspoken needs. It is a ruthless cycle. 

All this to say - I’m an adult - full fledged - who knows me but definitely doesn’t have it figured out. I am a mess and I really wonder if that ever changes. Perhaps we are perpetually in the state of BECOMING - of growing a tiny bit at a time and changing by only slight degrees. I wonder if we ever arrive this side of heaven...maybe we are human and therefore, we have a lot of problems. 

Imana ni nziza

Two years ago today, God answered my unspoken prayer and forever changed my heart. In a moment, I knew in a way I had never known before, that I was seen and known by Father God - the Creator of the universe and the one who truly holds my heart. 

On Friday, August 11, 2017, I was in Rwanda. I had spent the past five days loving vulnerable kiddos and having the most ridiculous fun dancing together to the beat of the drum while listening to their voices lifted in praise. That afternoon I said goodbye to camp…and to William. I hadn’t expected to care so deeply or to be virtually brokenhearted because we were leaving. It was my first trip to Africa and God had rocked my world. Literally. I knew I wouldn’t see those campers again - that God had given us just a few days to be together as a family. I had been fully present and made the most of every moment. That Friday, I prayed a blessing over the teens and asked God to be big and mighty and powerful in each of their lives. I reminded them that they are seen and known and loved, and as I prayed I intentionally released each camper into His hands. He would be faithful to carry them. 

Sunday morning came and we drove back toward the village for church. It was a wonderful service - full of joy and some dancing. I still get chill-bumps when I think about that Sunday. After attending church we drove to meet up with the rest of the team and Pastor Joseph and as we pulled up the dirt road, I saw William running toward me. I was overcome with tears and gratitude - I held that boy tight and told him how much I loved him repeatedly. It was a gift from God I will never forget…one more hug, one more moment, one more song.

Two years later, I can still see their faces and hear their voices. They are forever a part of my story - a part of me. When certain songs are part of worship, I am instantly transported back to camp, it is the strangest out of body experience and one I hope I will cherish time and time again. While the music plays and my heart rejoices - I am simultaneously dancing, hugging, & smiling at those kids. There is nothing better. 

I am not in Rwanda today; but my heartbeat has forever changed because of the time I spent there. This year, in celebration of the deep transformation and life-changing work the Lord has done, I decided it was time to make the story visible for all to see. I have been forever marked. Imana ni nziza. God is so good. 

dear 24-year-old Shelly.

The next 10-years won’t look anything like you expect, and it will be painful. You are just learning how to be an adult - and that will be a journey. You will make some terrible decisions, but you’ll learn from them and grow in meaningful ways. You’ll feel like life has settled into a bit of monotony - and it has - news flash, life doesn’t change nearly as much in adult life as it did when you were a kid. 

In the next decade, you will watch so many of your friends get married. Your friendships will change and you’ll have to learn to let go. You’ll need to be invested in making new friends - continually. Letting go and walking away from people will be a struggle because you love deep and you are a person who chooses to stay; but you will also learn that sometimes the cost is too great and you just can’t keep chasing after people. You will be wounded, and you will recover. You will know loneliness in a new way, but you’ll learn to thrive there. You will learn the art of grieving while choosing to live in joy…life is bittersweet in every season. 

As your friends start having babies, you will learn what a gift it is to be aunt shell - you will find healing in their laughter and will truly love getting to be friends with tiny humans. You will question over and over what God has in store for your life and pray that a family is ultimately in His plans. You’ll also learn that we are not promised our every desire in this life and we cannot fully know or comprehend His best. Lean into trusting Him regardless of what comes for you or what your circumstances seem to say. He sees you and He loves you infinitely more than you can imagine. 

Because you know Jesus and you choose him, you will do some incredible things in ministry and your heart will continue to grow. You’ll start working with teens impacted by the foster care system. Their stories will wreck you. Simultaneously you’ll see how God has perfectly orchestrated the pieces of your life to prepare you for this calling. You will travel to Budapest to work with refugees and to Rwanda to work with orphans. You will understand gratitude in a way you never perceived before - and you’ll cling tight to hope. You will find healing in the immense joy you see in others - and God will meet you in new ways as you serve Him. You will be convinced yet again that living in the center of His will is for your good! 

It will take you a long time to realize that you are worthy & chosen - but it has always been true. You will start to really invest in YOU and it will be worth every bit of effort. You’ll begin to protect yourself and make better decisions regarding boundaries in your life. You’ll still show up and pour your whole heart into those you care about most - but you’ll be able to discern healthy and unhealthy in new ways. You will begin to live more vulnerably and to let other people into your mess. You’ll have to keep working hard on not giving into your innate desire to please others or find your approval in them - but you’ll make huge strides forward. 

You’ll feel like you don’t belong a lot of the time. You won’t look like anyone else and that will be a challenge. You’ll long to be included and invited and in general to feel wanted. You yearn to belong. You’ll have to really fight against those feelings. You’ll get to love broadly, celebrating the lives of so many incredible people - but you won’t know love deeply with just one - and you will continue to wonder what that might be like. That’s ok. You’ll take moments here and there to sit in the sorrow. Some people will be able to meet you there. Others won’t. You’ll beg God to give you open hands. You’ll watch dreams die and you’ll ask for new dreams. You will see God provide again and again. 

Pain will be a reality for you. You’ll think that is all people can see, but that is a lie. People see your strong and your brave. People admire you and people truly think you are so lovely. You will be a reflection of Christ to so many. You shine. So press on sweet girl and keep chasing after becoming. You are learning to dance with Jesus - and that is where you’ll find a vibrant and extraordinary life. 

just keep trying.

Time for some truth-telling. 

I am in pain. All. The. Time. It is literally the thing I think about the most. I constantly give myself pep talks and regularly have a running countdown until I can be back in my room, alone, quiet, still, horizontal. I hate that I experience a less radiant version of myself (pain makes me dull and empty) and I wrestle to believe that it doesn’t make me “less” for those around me. If I am really honest, I’m fairly convinced that no one would actually choose me, so I should probably go ahead and protect everyone else and myself. I don’t want to be rejected. I’m not sure I can carry the physical pain and emotional pain simultaneously. I’ve learned to project that I’m ok, to perform. I don’t let anyone in because I refuse to be needy or to focus my attention on my pain. I’m trying to distract myself and avoid it as much as anyone else. But that is a double-edged sword. I also want to be seen and cared for in the darkness - I don’t want to navigate alone - even if I am deeply afraid that is the road ahead.

I know I don’t understand the full costs of my pain. I minimize the overall impact - never giving it credit for how I feel comprehensively. When I feel miserable and exhausted I do a lot of doubting and questioning instead of just recognizing that I’m at capacity and need to take some time and space. I’m also not super great about resting. I am the one who shows up, determined to be present - so stepping away is definitely not my gift. I wonder if I am actually a huge wimp. I wonder if people see me as vibrant and fun or if they too question my worth based on my brokenness.

I have prayed long and hard for healing. I’ve been anointed with oil. I’ve tried (all) the things. So far I continue to hear NO. I will use your pain to reveal my heart. That’s a hard answer. It is hard to stomach that I need to cling to hope knowing my glorified body will be whole even if my earthly body is ever-failing. It is hard to envision that in God’s LOVE, He is mighty and able but merciful enough force me onto HIS BEST PATH. It is a wrestle of faith - and I want to be found faithful. I don’t know if I will ever be good at this…but day-by-day I am going to keep trying.