I have a lot of problems.

I want to eat (literally) everything in sight and I drink a disturbing amount of coffee. I am a full-grown adult but I really struggle to pack my lunch or eat dinner at home… and I really hate eating healthy for the most part. I will take the burger and fries or the california burrito over the greek salad any day. If I do choose that salad, you better believe there is chicken in every single bite. Raw vegetables are really only good if there is a delicious dip to go with them…but fruits - I can eat those all day - aka. sugar. Working out is one of my least favorite activities - even if working out is defined as a walk or a hike. No thank you. I’ll take my cues from Fat Amy in Pitch Perfect and do some horizontal running. 

I am perpetually tired. Like deep tired. Up until about a month ago - I didn’t bother to wash my face before jumping into bed at night. I have destroyed an embarrassing number of pillowcases with yesterday’s makeup. I watch a lot of tv and it isn’t wholesome on any level. I can push the “play next episode” button in my sub-conscious, half-asleep state. I can do that with the snooze button too. I can also still stay in bed until a ridiculous hour on a Saturday if I have nothing scheduled…and if that is the case, I typically cannot bring myself to prioritize productivity of any kind. Really. I sometimes buy new underwear just to put off doing laundry. 

I do not need any clothes whatsoever but I really love a new outfit, so I am always tempted. I’m a sucker for a “swipe up” link. My desires aren’t singularly focused on clothing either. I love a good beauty product, a cute shoe, something new for my house. Really, I just enjoy the FEELING of making a purchase. I should be putting money in the savings account but even as I do, I’m dreaming about emptying that out for my next international adventure. 

I always want another adventure. I want to explore and experience and taste and see and discover new beats to my heart as I take in culture. I don’t know if that is a problem per se, but it sure can be if it breeds discontentment or a lack of ability to see the GREAT in my life. I tend to focus in on the hard - the single, the pain, the monotony, the incapable, the overwhelmed instead of choosing to celebrate the tremendous extraordinary of everyday. I want to see the beauty. 

I am also driven by people pleasing and have yet to overcome that character flaw. I want everyone to like me and I want to do things for others. Always. I wrestle with the potential that I will disappoint or hurt anyone. I also struggle to be vulnerable and honest and let others in to truly care for me. I have a select handful of friends that I keep VERY close. Due to such, I often feel alone and misunderstood because others cannot see or anticipate my unspoken needs. It is a ruthless cycle. 

All this to say - I’m an adult - full fledged - who knows me but definitely doesn’t have it figured out. I am a mess and I really wonder if that ever changes. Perhaps we are perpetually in the state of BECOMING - of growing a tiny bit at a time and changing by only slight degrees. I wonder if we ever arrive this side of heaven...maybe we are human and therefore, we have a lot of problems.