learning to dream again.

I am not a visionary. 
I am not a dreamer. 
I was raised by one optimist and one pessimist and it made me a realist. 
Or maybe I’ve just had to bury too many dreams to keep planting hopes in the soil, watering them, then watching them wither and die. 

Just being asked about my dreams makes me squirm on the inside. I feel like I should have a clear direction or a list of goals. But truth-telling, I’ve got nothing. I have some really broad overarching hopes for the future, but they feel so far out of reach. I want to be content in all circumstances, I want to revel in the life God has given me today - but I also want to chase after what He has for me tomorrow. Can we do both simultaneously? Is that even possible? 

What if I’m just afraid. Afraid of failure or the overwhelming disappointment that can crush your spirit and make it hard to breathe. I don’t want to live captive to fear, drowning in tears. I want to exude joy. I feel like so many of the greatest experiences in my life were gifts - unanticipated and unexpected. I could never have asked for them or named them as dreams. 

God, give me eyes to see the adventures and plans you’re writing for my story. Help me to trust You and to walk in faith even when dreaming seems impossible. Let my life honor you as you do a bigger thing than I can see or imagine. Remind me that YOU are the biggest dream. Teach me to dream again. 

SHELL’S (super practical and almost embarrassing) DREAM LIST 

pay off all my student loan debt 

get married & build a family with the guy God has for me

adopt a child - maybe internationally 

continue to work with teens or children impacted by foster care

work at a nonprofit with a mission / purpose I really believe in 

serve on a board of some kind

get a little place on my own - maybe even own it - I’d love a little beach house 

have the financial freedom to be abundantly and radically generous

return to Rwanda 

say yes to anywhere God opens the door for me to visit and serve

write a book 

visit Israel 

meet my compassion kid

ring in the New Year with Kathleen & Andy in Berlin