just keep trying.

Time for some truth-telling. 

I am in pain. All. The. Time. It is literally the thing I think about the most. I constantly give myself pep talks and regularly have a running countdown until I can be back in my room, alone, quiet, still, horizontal. I hate that I experience a less radiant version of myself (pain makes me dull and empty) and I wrestle to believe that it doesn’t make me “less” for those around me. If I am really honest, I’m fairly convinced that no one would actually choose me, so I should probably go ahead and protect everyone else and myself. I don’t want to be rejected. I’m not sure I can carry the physical pain and emotional pain simultaneously. I’ve learned to project that I’m ok, to perform. I don’t let anyone in because I refuse to be needy or to focus my attention on my pain. I’m trying to distract myself and avoid it as much as anyone else. But that is a double-edged sword. I also want to be seen and cared for in the darkness - I don’t want to navigate alone - even if I am deeply afraid that is the road ahead.

I know I don’t understand the full costs of my pain. I minimize the overall impact - never giving it credit for how I feel comprehensively. When I feel miserable and exhausted I do a lot of doubting and questioning instead of just recognizing that I’m at capacity and need to take some time and space. I’m also not super great about resting. I am the one who shows up, determined to be present - so stepping away is definitely not my gift. I wonder if I am actually a huge wimp. I wonder if people see me as vibrant and fun or if they too question my worth based on my brokenness.

I have prayed long and hard for healing. I’ve been anointed with oil. I’ve tried (all) the things. So far I continue to hear NO. I will use your pain to reveal my heart. That’s a hard answer. It is hard to stomach that I need to cling to hope knowing my glorified body will be whole even if my earthly body is ever-failing. It is hard to envision that in God’s LOVE, He is mighty and able but merciful enough force me onto HIS BEST PATH. It is a wrestle of faith - and I want to be found faithful. I don’t know if I will ever be good at this…but day-by-day I am going to keep trying.