LIES.

“Life is just weird,” I said to a friend a couple days ago…”and I am living it.” Does something happen when you hit your mid-30’s to make you feel like you “should” be somewhere? I think I feel trapped and uncertain that I’m headed in the right direction. I am in a space I cannot control, doing the best I can, and feeling like a failure so much of the time. I want to be a positive and hopeful person. I have to search to find the joy and the good and not just be a complaining machine. 

Some of that might be based on the fact that throughout my life, I have come to believe lies. I think they’re fairly common lies - lies about being ENOUGH and simultaneously not too much. Lies that tell me being me isn’t really what others are hoping for, that leave me feeling even more uncertain and afraid. I know these things aren’t true - but if I’m honest - I fight them, A LOT! 

1. You are only beautiful if you’re skinny - like SKINNY SKINNY - and if you’re fully investing in your health and well-being at all times. You should work out daily (come on, it is just a walk) and you are not really allowed to eat anything that isn’t good for you. If you do, it is a bad choice. You should control your portions and remember that food is for sustenance NOT merely pleasure. 

2. In the scheme of life, everything is totally fine. A lot of people are experiencing circumstances SO MUCH WORSE than yours, so do not be a complainer. Shush. People do not want to hear your sob story and you will definitely be a weight on others if you choose to share with honesty or transparency. You are fine. You don’t need anything.

3. Being emotional is unnecessary. You can process through your emotions and utilize logic to find a better path forward. You don’t NEED to feel that way, so stop. Feelings are not realities and you probably should wrestle through them independently so you don’t weigh others down or come across as negative. 

4. Buying anything unnecessary is a total waste of money. You don’t need anything else so stop buying things…stop gifting things…stop eating out…stop! Be way more aware of your spending and live like you’re poor so someday you will be rich. Question every decision you make and then proceed ONLY with wisdom. 

5. There is probably something wrong with you. You’re 34 and no one has really dated you or pursued you. Every relationship you have ever attempted has been a fail - so you probably just can’t do this. Learn to be lonely. 

6. You are too loud - people don’t know what to do with all that - it is intimidating. If you could tone down and be a bit more “approachable” it would be best for everyone. You are definitely NOT COOL and people won’t ever see you that way, so accept yourself and get on with it. 

7. You’re too broken and no one wants to have to deal with all that. That is your problem that no one can solve and no one can even contribute positively to. Chances are, their solutions will be more hurtful, so be silent and continue to bear it - it isn’t fair for you to ask anyone else to be miserable too. 

8. You don’t really have a place to belong because your life looks different than everyone else’s…you missed the big thing that was supposed to happen and now you’re misunderstood and people don’t even want to understand. So don’t be honest - just show up for others - that is your role and your place now. 

Listen, I know who I am in Christ and I understand that these statements are not realities. I’m just learning over and over and over to confront the lies and search out the truth. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made…I know that God has a specific and beautiful purpose for my life….I know that because of all I have endured, God has refined me. NEVERTHELESS…life is weird and I am just not good at it. HA. Welcome to 34 friends - I’m still trying to get somewhere.