I am realizing more and more that we live life in the ellipsis. We want to believe that our stories start with a capital letter and run in sentences with clean punctuation. We want to believe it will be simple, but the truth is, it never really works that way. We are virtually always on a path marked by a … trusting God to direct the in-between. We find ourselves wondering, waiting, hoping, longing, praying that the One who sees and knows will make clear the next steps we are to take so we can ultimately find the period.
In a matter of days, my dear sweet friend Amanda is moving to Texas. We have already said our goodbyes. There is a heaviness in my heart - once again it feels as if God is stripping away the richest and the best. As I stood at the front door at her goodbye party on Saturday evening, after hugging her for the 12th time that night, I realized our ellipsis had arrived. I always knew she would go. Years ago we sat at a little cafe table and discussed whether God would call her back to Africa or perhaps to China - but we knew she would go - we always knew TOGETHER would not be our long-term story. Then she met Tanner Wayne, a pilot in the United States Airforce and within days of first hearing about him on the phone, God graciously began to whisper “get ready” to my heart - I knew she would marry him. I remember exactly where I was when I got the text from Tanner including a picture of a ring. I sat on a bench and watched Amanda try on wedding dresses. I was there when she walked down the aisle, when they made their vows, when they kissed, when they danced. Then in what seemed like a blink I was there to hear the news they were expecting and prayed alongside my Mands, a mama-to-be, as she faithfully trusted the Lord with her son. Then came the midnight texts that labor had begun and Haddon Wayne would soon be arriving. I got to cuddle that sweet boy just days after he was born and have watched him grow over the past 6-months. We have lived an extraordinary ordinary together in the past four years. And, as I walked out that front door, following our goodbye, we entered our ellipsis.
Selfishly, I want to know what comes next. I don’t want to live in the in-between. I want to know that when I meet my handsome hunk she will be there to see the ring… that she’ll be sitting on a bench as I try on wedding dresses and she’ll be my matron of honor alongside Anna and Emily, which means crafting together and throwing all sorts of shenanigans... I want to run into each other at church or say I need a coffee date just open up our calendars to make it happen... Selfishly, I want at least one of my best friends IN TOWN. I want more than booking a flight a few months out and counting down the days until our next hug... everything is a maybe now... everything is a HOPE.
Life in the ellipsis means wondering what God has in store and where He is going to move and how and when. Truth be told, that kind of trust isn’t my favorite. I don’t like the stripped down and clinging to Him alone, but I know without any doubt that is best. Christ alone. Forever - waiting on Him to move - and then running and chasing after Him. Hard. Knowing regardless of who is physically there beside me, I have Him, and He has provided exactly what I need. It might hurt and it might be hard, but it is right. So here we go - to text messages and emails and FaceTime dates. To best friends around the world and knowing He is at work even as I wait for Him to reveal exactly what He is doing. I surrender all ... and I will live WITH HIM in the ellipsis.
1 comment:
Love you, Shells. I understand the feelings of life not working out how we had hoped--struggles we never thought we would have to face. I also understand that in the hard is sometimes where we see Jesus shine the brightest. Love you. Thankful for how you see His shine always.
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