Love is a crazy thing, right? I have yet to experience this idea of “true love”, but I do love my friends ferociously. Right now one of my closies is in Africa, RWANDA (I always feel the need to spell it in ALL CAPS - I know that is ridiculous - but it looks wrong with correct capitalization - what is that about?) specifically and I miss her hard. In normal life, we talk almost every day. While she has been in Africa, we have still talked several times (praise the Lord for technology and maybe touches of insomnia even though we both pray against that!). I got a text as she boarded the plane, then a FB message that she was there safe and sound, and then last night I got an email, like a real email with heart talk. Each time a message has come in from Africa, my heart stops…it’s this beautiful and sacred moment in which I feel both tremendously grateful and totally gutted. I feel almost selfish on some level - I’m SO glad that I’m getting an email and yet my girl is in Africa, I can’t hold her tight like that - she isn’t mine to keep - she’s got to fly and soar and be exactly where the Lord wants her. I am realizing over and over again how desperately I cling to people. In a season of life in which I feel like I have said a lot of goodbyes, another one just feels entirely too hard. I currently have friends all over the country and abroad…they’re spread all over California and into Hawaii, Alabama, Missouri, Georgia, North Carolina, Texas, Arizona, Oregon, and even Australia, Turkey, and Africa. I feel like I have said goodbye to friends as they’ve gotten married and had babies and moved into new chapters of their lives. The reality is that I need them in far different and perhaps more significant ways than they need me. They have their person - the one they come home to each day - the one who listens to all their stories and loves them infinitely. I don’t. They were my people. But it isn’t quite the same to share your stories when the other party doesn’t willingly share back. Confessing your heart and allowing someone to be a secret keeper is a gift, an investment, it doesn’t necessarily come naturally or easily, it’s a choice, it’s love. When I give pieces of my heart away, I give them wholeheartedly and with absolute certainty. I am in and for the long haul, regardless of what life brings…even if that means waiting for emails from Africa.
Even still, I really want to be the kind of follower that is willing to pick up my net and go. Even more, I want to be the kind of friend that will stand on the sidelines and cheer and support and run the race with endurance if my friend is called to go. And yet my heart aches and longs for the easier road, the one in which we get to travel together. I’m reading the book Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist and as she talks about her best friend moving away she says, “You know you don’t get that many experiences of friendship like the one we share…no matter where you are in the world, no matter where life takes you, you’ll always be close in my heart…” I guess I’m that kind of friend, the one who holds a dear, sweet friend close in my heart regardless of how far the physical distance may be or the changing season may require…my hand remains outstretched and my heart open...
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