a glimpse of a dream

Monday night is Bachelor night...a crazy group of fantastic women bathed in the sweet scents of acetone and nail polish alongside plenty of chocolate gathered in front of a tv debating the annoyance level of women we have never met. It's the perfect escape from reality and if we're honest, these women make us feel well adjusted and "normal". Last night we watched at Carrie's house. I came early to get in some good Izzy snuggles before she was "sentenced to bedtime" and virtually melted when I walked in the door and she smiled, pointed, and said "aunt shell". She knows me. Recognizes me. Loves me. After the show was over and ballots had been submitted for the Fantasy Bachelor Pool, the ladies went home and Carrie and I settled into the couch for some Real Housewives of Beverly Hills best friend time and snuggles with Rory James. Rory and I cuddled for over an hour, he fell asleep in my arms and made the best baby noises - he was happy - comfortable - right where he wanted to be. Much too soon it was time to say goodbye. I stood up and caught a glimpse of myself with Rory still asleep in my arms in the mirror. Instantaneously the tears welled up. I looked like a mommy. The night had turned to the wee hours of the morning and I was awake and cuddling the sweetest bundle of joy. The ache was deep as I stared at my dream in that mirror. In the last few years I have watched almost all of my friends find love and get married, I've watched many of them have babies, and there are days that I feel like life has moved on without me. Like somehow everyone I care about has moved to the next chapter and I've been left behind. As I looked at my reflection I wondered if I would ever actually be that mama loving on her babe in the middle of the night. If that dream will ever become a reality for me. Real life is hard and sometimes it hurts. I'm so thankful to be aunt shell and blessed to have bitties to love on. However, deep down there is a yearning to love my own children and soon. So until then, I will continue to find joy in loving on the littles God has put in my life and hope that one day I will look into a mirror and see a reflection that is more than just a dream...and no, I will not be going on the bachelor to find true love...