I have a lot of problems.

I want to eat (literally) everything in sight and I drink a disturbing amount of coffee. I am a full-grown adult but I really struggle to pack my lunch or eat dinner at home… and I really hate eating healthy for the most part. I will take the burger and fries or the california burrito over the greek salad any day. If I do choose that salad, you better believe there is chicken in every single bite. Raw vegetables are really only good if there is a delicious dip to go with them…but fruits - I can eat those all day - aka. sugar. Working out is one of my least favorite activities - even if working out is defined as a walk or a hike. No thank you. I’ll take my cues from Fat Amy in Pitch Perfect and do some horizontal running. 

I am perpetually tired. Like deep tired. Up until about a month ago - I didn’t bother to wash my face before jumping into bed at night. I have destroyed an embarrassing number of pillowcases with yesterday’s makeup. I watch a lot of tv and it isn’t wholesome on any level. I can push the “play next episode” button in my sub-conscious, half-asleep state. I can do that with the snooze button too. I can also still stay in bed until a ridiculous hour on a Saturday if I have nothing scheduled…and if that is the case, I typically cannot bring myself to prioritize productivity of any kind. Really. I sometimes buy new underwear just to put off doing laundry. 

I do not need any clothes whatsoever but I really love a new outfit, so I am always tempted. I’m a sucker for a “swipe up” link. My desires aren’t singularly focused on clothing either. I love a good beauty product, a cute shoe, something new for my house. Really, I just enjoy the FEELING of making a purchase. I should be putting money in the savings account but even as I do, I’m dreaming about emptying that out for my next international adventure. 

I always want another adventure. I want to explore and experience and taste and see and discover new beats to my heart as I take in culture. I don’t know if that is a problem per se, but it sure can be if it breeds discontentment or a lack of ability to see the GREAT in my life. I tend to focus in on the hard - the single, the pain, the monotony, the incapable, the overwhelmed instead of choosing to celebrate the tremendous extraordinary of everyday. I want to see the beauty. 

I am also driven by people pleasing and have yet to overcome that character flaw. I want everyone to like me and I want to do things for others. Always. I wrestle with the potential that I will disappoint or hurt anyone. I also struggle to be vulnerable and honest and let others in to truly care for me. I have a select handful of friends that I keep VERY close. Due to such, I often feel alone and misunderstood because others cannot see or anticipate my unspoken needs. It is a ruthless cycle. 

All this to say - I’m an adult - full fledged - who knows me but definitely doesn’t have it figured out. I am a mess and I really wonder if that ever changes. Perhaps we are perpetually in the state of BECOMING - of growing a tiny bit at a time and changing by only slight degrees. I wonder if we ever arrive this side of heaven...maybe we are human and therefore, we have a lot of problems. 

Imana ni nziza

Two years ago today, God answered my unspoken prayer and forever changed my heart. In a moment, I knew in a way I had never known before, that I was seen and known by Father God - the Creator of the universe and the one who truly holds my heart. 

On Friday, August 11, 2017, I was in Rwanda. I had spent the past five days loving vulnerable kiddos and having the most ridiculous fun dancing together to the beat of the drum while listening to their voices lifted in praise. That afternoon I said goodbye to camp…and to William. I hadn’t expected to care so deeply or to be virtually brokenhearted because we were leaving. It was my first trip to Africa and God had rocked my world. Literally. I knew I wouldn’t see those campers again - that God had given us just a few days to be together as a family. I had been fully present and made the most of every moment. That Friday, I prayed a blessing over the teens and asked God to be big and mighty and powerful in each of their lives. I reminded them that they are seen and known and loved, and as I prayed I intentionally released each camper into His hands. He would be faithful to carry them. 

Sunday morning came and we drove back toward the village for church. It was a wonderful service - full of joy and some dancing. I still get chill-bumps when I think about that Sunday. After attending church we drove to meet up with the rest of the team and Pastor Joseph and as we pulled up the dirt road, I saw William running toward me. I was overcome with tears and gratitude - I held that boy tight and told him how much I loved him repeatedly. It was a gift from God I will never forget…one more hug, one more moment, one more song.

Two years later, I can still see their faces and hear their voices. They are forever a part of my story - a part of me. When certain songs are part of worship, I am instantly transported back to camp, it is the strangest out of body experience and one I hope I will cherish time and time again. While the music plays and my heart rejoices - I am simultaneously dancing, hugging, & smiling at those kids. There is nothing better. 

I am not in Rwanda today; but my heartbeat has forever changed because of the time I spent there. This year, in celebration of the deep transformation and life-changing work the Lord has done, I decided it was time to make the story visible for all to see. I have been forever marked. Imana ni nziza. God is so good. 

dear 24-year-old Shelly.

The next 10-years won’t look anything like you expect, and it will be painful. You are just learning how to be an adult - and that will be a journey. You will make some terrible decisions, but you’ll learn from them and grow in meaningful ways. You’ll feel like life has settled into a bit of monotony - and it has - news flash, life doesn’t change nearly as much in adult life as it did when you were a kid. 

In the next decade, you will watch so many of your friends get married. Your friendships will change and you’ll have to learn to let go. You’ll need to be invested in making new friends - continually. Letting go and walking away from people will be a struggle because you love deep and you are a person who chooses to stay; but you will also learn that sometimes the cost is too great and you just can’t keep chasing after people. You will be wounded, and you will recover. You will know loneliness in a new way, but you’ll learn to thrive there. You will learn the art of grieving while choosing to live in joy…life is bittersweet in every season. 

As your friends start having babies, you will learn what a gift it is to be aunt shell - you will find healing in their laughter and will truly love getting to be friends with tiny humans. You will question over and over what God has in store for your life and pray that a family is ultimately in His plans. You’ll also learn that we are not promised our every desire in this life and we cannot fully know or comprehend His best. Lean into trusting Him regardless of what comes for you or what your circumstances seem to say. He sees you and He loves you infinitely more than you can imagine. 

Because you know Jesus and you choose him, you will do some incredible things in ministry and your heart will continue to grow. You’ll start working with teens impacted by the foster care system. Their stories will wreck you. Simultaneously you’ll see how God has perfectly orchestrated the pieces of your life to prepare you for this calling. You will travel to Budapest to work with refugees and to Rwanda to work with orphans. You will understand gratitude in a way you never perceived before - and you’ll cling tight to hope. You will find healing in the immense joy you see in others - and God will meet you in new ways as you serve Him. You will be convinced yet again that living in the center of His will is for your good! 

It will take you a long time to realize that you are worthy & chosen - but it has always been true. You will start to really invest in YOU and it will be worth every bit of effort. You’ll begin to protect yourself and make better decisions regarding boundaries in your life. You’ll still show up and pour your whole heart into those you care about most - but you’ll be able to discern healthy and unhealthy in new ways. You will begin to live more vulnerably and to let other people into your mess. You’ll have to keep working hard on not giving into your innate desire to please others or find your approval in them - but you’ll make huge strides forward. 

You’ll feel like you don’t belong a lot of the time. You won’t look like anyone else and that will be a challenge. You’ll long to be included and invited and in general to feel wanted. You yearn to belong. You’ll have to really fight against those feelings. You’ll get to love broadly, celebrating the lives of so many incredible people - but you won’t know love deeply with just one - and you will continue to wonder what that might be like. That’s ok. You’ll take moments here and there to sit in the sorrow. Some people will be able to meet you there. Others won’t. You’ll beg God to give you open hands. You’ll watch dreams die and you’ll ask for new dreams. You will see God provide again and again. 

Pain will be a reality for you. You’ll think that is all people can see, but that is a lie. People see your strong and your brave. People admire you and people truly think you are so lovely. You will be a reflection of Christ to so many. You shine. So press on sweet girl and keep chasing after becoming. You are learning to dance with Jesus - and that is where you’ll find a vibrant and extraordinary life. 

just keep trying.

Time for some truth-telling. 

I am in pain. All. The. Time. It is literally the thing I think about the most. I constantly give myself pep talks and regularly have a running countdown until I can be back in my room, alone, quiet, still, horizontal. I hate that I experience a less radiant version of myself (pain makes me dull and empty) and I wrestle to believe that it doesn’t make me “less” for those around me. If I am really honest, I’m fairly convinced that no one would actually choose me, so I should probably go ahead and protect everyone else and myself. I don’t want to be rejected. I’m not sure I can carry the physical pain and emotional pain simultaneously. I’ve learned to project that I’m ok, to perform. I don’t let anyone in because I refuse to be needy or to focus my attention on my pain. I’m trying to distract myself and avoid it as much as anyone else. But that is a double-edged sword. I also want to be seen and cared for in the darkness - I don’t want to navigate alone - even if I am deeply afraid that is the road ahead.

I know I don’t understand the full costs of my pain. I minimize the overall impact - never giving it credit for how I feel comprehensively. When I feel miserable and exhausted I do a lot of doubting and questioning instead of just recognizing that I’m at capacity and need to take some time and space. I’m also not super great about resting. I am the one who shows up, determined to be present - so stepping away is definitely not my gift. I wonder if I am actually a huge wimp. I wonder if people see me as vibrant and fun or if they too question my worth based on my brokenness.

I have prayed long and hard for healing. I’ve been anointed with oil. I’ve tried (all) the things. So far I continue to hear NO. I will use your pain to reveal my heart. That’s a hard answer. It is hard to stomach that I need to cling to hope knowing my glorified body will be whole even if my earthly body is ever-failing. It is hard to envision that in God’s LOVE, He is mighty and able but merciful enough force me onto HIS BEST PATH. It is a wrestle of faith - and I want to be found faithful. I don’t know if I will ever be good at this…but day-by-day I am going to keep trying. 

celebrate - even the insignificant.

I am in a season where things seem to be at a stand-still. I don’t know where life is headed or what God is asking or calling me toward. I seem to experience more loss and grieving of dreams than moments of tremendous joy. BUT I don’t want to live my life with that focus. I want to choose to celebrate the extraordinary ordinary…to see the best of this amazing and ridiculous life I’ve been given to live. I want to be light in darkness and hope in sorrow. SO today I decided to take a quick look back at the most defining accomplishments of my life to date…

- moved out of my parents house (& never moved back) 

- worked with World Changers in ministry alongside teens serving people living in low-income housing  projects. It was the best job I’ve ever had and for four (4) summers I served wholeheartedly and learned to love the unseen. PLUS I made the most incredible friends, while experiencing a LOT of the U.S.A.  

- graduated from CBU with a Bachelor of Arts in Communication & minor in Business 

- got my first real job at EvFree Fullerton in the Business Office w/ the incredible JIM CLARK! 

- decided that CHURCH is an absolute MUST for me in all seasons and stages & invested in relationships - lifegroup, community groups, missions, mentoring, leadership, etc.

- studied at Oxford and fell in LOVE with England - it was the first time I could envision living long-term outside the United States

- graduated with an MBA 

- got my second real job at AkinsParker Creative and saw so clearly how the Lord had orchestrated & prepared me for a position to totally fits my gifts 

- attended Teen Leadership Camp and knew I would return EVERY SUMMER FROM THEN ON & subsequently joined the leadership / strategy team for TLC and intentionally invested in the foster teen population 

- created CHOSEN, a monthly club for teens impacted by foster care in Orange County, that has given me great purpose and deep joy & truly taught me so much about serving others and being the love of Jesus  

- traveled to Budapest to work with Refugees and saw my heart for the orphan increase exponentially 

- traveled to Rwanda, Africa (twice) to serve orphaned and vulnerable teens and gained invaluable perspective and a heart of gratitude 

In the midst of all the major milestones, there have also been a million tiny but significant moments that have been SO JOYFUL in my life…weddings and babies and trips with dear friends…making new friends… being asked to join new ministries… serving with laughter and truly seeing the Lord provide abundantly even in unexpected ways. I KNOW He is faithful. May I rest there and wait patiently for Him to make clear what He has…and may I celebrate the seemingly insignificant in this in-between. 

a weighty goodbye

Over two years ago, March 2017 if we want to get specific, I said a bittersweet goodbye to some of my dearest friends Ty and Heather Hoad as they headed overseas to serve the least of these and share boldly the love of Jesus. I knew then that another goodbye was coming - but now it has arrived and I am not ready. I have long been an member of an incredible family - CLARK, CLARK, HOAD, SWOPE. However, with HOADS and LITTLE CLARKS serving internationally, it is very soon to be just CLARK, SWOPE. In a matter of days I will have to say goodbye to some of my best friends, Andy and Kathleen, as they leave for Europe to proclaim the gospel and shine light in the darkness. 

I am so happy for them. 

I am so sad for me. 

I don’t really have words to encapsulate the gift it has been to walk together with Andy & Kathleen. It all started in early 2016 when we were team leaders with the EvFree Mission Initiative: LOVE EUROPE. I was honored to lead teams to Budapest and they led a team to England. We were fast friends. Something about our love for the nations and desire to live with the heart of the King sparked a connection that was deep and we have been present and invested in relationship ever since. It is hard to imagine my life being AS JOYFUL without the companionship of my besties - who else is going to dive in for trips to Cinnabon…hit up all the appetizers at happy hour… or decide (with exuberance) the only option is donuts & ice-cream in a single day. It won’t be the same when I can’t bump into the little Clarks on the plaza on a Sunday morning. I have no idea who is going to call me perfect - Kathleen is the one who has always done that! We have celebrated birthdays and christmases and even rang in a New Year or two. We have been faithful in prayer, and dedicated in love. 

I keep coming back to the gravity goodbye. Some are simple and easy; others hold so much weight. For me, people are my greatest joy and not having those I love around means life is just a little less vibrant and bright. I am confident the Lord will provide (and already see His hand so clearly) and trust He is in control. Even still, there is deep sorrow in letting go of the everyday extraordinary with these people who mean so very much to me. 

I am grateful, I am changed, and I can’t wait to ring in the New Year in Europe (fingers crossed, obviously).

Goodbye little Clarks - may you always know how much you truly mean to me. 

love you equals. 

detours.

We have all experienced them. 

They’re confusing and for someone who is directionally impaired (ME!) they come with feelings of frustration, aggravation, and perhaps even defeat as we find ourselves totally lost. 

I would like to believe that we improve in our resolve as we face the unavoidable unexpected in life; and yet I find that no matter how old I get, I am still shaken. Somewhere deep down, that tiny human version of myself hoping to be seen and understood and waiting for life to actualize as anticipated lives on. 

I remember being a teenager and having my dad kiss me on the cheek and tell me I didn’t need to kiss any boys, I would always him. Then I got a little older and he said I was ONLY allowed to kiss him. Then I hit college and he invited me to go ahead and give it a go - perhaps there was a really good guy out there for me to kiss. When I was 21 I called my dad and told him I had kissed a boy for the first time… I don’t think any of us thought for one second that it would be such an isolated experience. I am now 34-years-old and I am still waiting for my next kiss. I’ve waited as I watched so many of my dearest friends walk down the aisle and become wives…I waited as they had babies…and NOW I am waiting as the girls I mentor - ones who are 10+ years younger than me get their turn at wedding bliss. 

Being single is one of the major detours in my life. 

Don’t get me wrong - there is beauty in the unexpected turns… 

Singleness led me to invest in foster care ministry… it has allowed me the time and space to truly show up and be present in the lives of my people. It has meant becoming AuntShell to so many adorable tiny humans and finding true joy in loving them. And it sent me to Africa, an experience that literally changed my life. I am grateful to be single - most of the time. 

And yet - on a day like today when my childhood best friends are together on vacation in Mammoth - with all their kiddos - I can’t help but look at the pictures and see the hole where my baby could be. The space I grew up thinking I would fit so perfectly within. I know that won’t ever have those moments with them…I won’t ever be a mama alongside my people. Truth telling, I actually don’t know that I’ll be a mama at all. For whatever reason, God has said that isn’t His best for my story today.

So what do you do when you’re still waiting. Where do you find hope as you navigate the detour that is still winding along? Let the tears fall…take a deep breath…steady your spirit and wait on.

Psalm 5:3, “In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.”  

WE CAN BE HEROES

Over the weekend I had the amazing privilege of serving alongside a team of HEROES as we led Teen Leadership Camp 2019. I am overwhelmed by gratitude and truly rejoicing in an incredible weekend of laughter and freedom for a group of teens who so often feel overlooked, unseen, or simply unwanted. Their hearts are beautiful and they have learned strength and bravery as they have endured unthinkable circumstances. They have CHOSEN to step out of their stories - they refuse to let their past define their future possibilities. They have hopes and dreams and regardless of the many roadblocks and obstacles that appear in their path, they chase after growth and becoming. I admire each of them and consider it a gift to run alongside them.

Camp was a total blur of activity - 

there were sled dogs and flying squirrels (which was hilarious and SO FUN even to watch by the way) 

there was karaoke where virtually everyone did a personal take on bohemian rhapsody 

there was a late night game of capture the flag with a TON of glow sticks 

there was a morning spent on the high ropes course - everywhere you looked there were teens conquering fears and trying to take one more step 

there was craft time and pool time and free time on the soccer field

we had s’more at the firepit and because we had Reeses bars, they were extra delicious

our speaker was incredible and related so well to our teens - speaking truth, and inviting them to meet Jesus

we spent time affirming each other and recognizing the beauty in each person present at camp 

we created abstract art and each took home a piece of the magic that represents this beautiful family 

we ate camp food, praised the Lord for the salad bar, and consumed more snacks than is allowed in normal life 

it was exhausting and dirty and profoundly rich all at the same time

Our theme for the weekend was heroes and I am convinced it was the EXACT RIGHT CHOICE for us. 

Heroes are people who transform compassion (a personal virtue) into heroic action (a civic virtue) and in doing so, put their best selves forward in service to humanity. A hero is an individual or a network of people that take action on behalf of others in need, or in defense of integrity or a moral cause. 

You can be a hero - you can impact a life - and potentially change the world. 

a prayer.

It is all yours. Every hope and every dream must be surrendered and trusted to Your hands. I don’t want them without You - without Your blessing and without Your presence. You are what makes them good and meaningful. You are the beauty and You are the One calling me forth, ushering me toward better and more. If it isn’t of YOU it isn’t for me. So even though it feels as though I am giving up something that means everything - I am letting go and walking toward the very thing that matters most. I am growing and becoming in the exactly ways I need to. AND in the end, the answer very well could be YES - a yes that looks NOTHING like I expected and is far more glorious OR a yes that looks precisely like I thought, but in the timing You had in mind all along. Either way - only if it is of You. Remind me of that again and again - and give my feet a pathway forward that I would walk in obedience by faith. 

Chosen.

CHOSEN.

I pulled the perfectly engraved gold ring out of the box and tried not to feel entirely overcome. We had been dear friends for over a decade and though the language had changed from 22 to 34, the underlying current was undoubtedly the same - I CHOOSE YOU. 

I met J when I graduated from college and moved to Orange County. I was working at EvFree Fullerton in the business office and lunching on the regular with her big sister Becca. At some point I was invited to a SIMPLICITY women’s event and I’m pretty sure J had been roped into leading. I couldn’t tell you much about the event - but there were cupcakes and I have a vague recollection of J in hot pink pointy-toe heels. She has great style! 

Simplicity doesn’t exist anymore and our friendship quickly transitioned to STUDYING together. We had strict rules because we were both working on Master Degrees at the time. J teaches special education (like a boss) and I have an MBA and work as a Project Manager. That season was marked by the phrase “I will celebrate your life choices.” We were both wrestling and making decisions about WHO we were going to be - as independent women out on our own. We chose differently - and also very much the same. 

From there she bought a house and I moved in with roommates. There were boyfriends for her and so many friends getting married all around me. Both of our siblings had babies and we reveled in the JOY of being aunties (it is by far the best role in the world). We fell in love with brunching together and realized our true propensity for watching copious quantities of bravo television. We hosted an annual Oscar party with way too much food and not nearly enough people because we like to actually WATCH the show. We went wine tasting, occasionally ventured out to fancy-pants restaurants, and decided to LIVE the adventures now. And no matter how full life got, we reminded each other regularly, “I have space for you.” 

In the past two years or so, J got married to her match - NicNac. Initially I was surprised, she was a Redmond for LIFE…but then she met the one who made marrying worth it. I focused on loving foster teens, and fell in love with Africa. I also invested in my heart - and pursued deep healing. Truth-telling it was time for me to realize and believe that CHOSEN isn’t something that happens to you. It isn’t based on being seen by a man - it isn’t a worldly definition - it amounts to much more than that. You can allow yourself to be minimized or reduced OR you can stand tall in your worth and walk courageous and brave believing your value and understanding who you are. You were CHOSEN from the very beginning. You were CREATED with a purpose and you have significance in your soul. I made a decision that will not wrestle chosen anymore. I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN & I AM CHOSEN BY SO MANY. I will no longer feel unworthy. 

So, when I opened that little black box and a gold ring with Chosen was hidden inside, it so perfectly described this season. 

We are each Chosen.

The question is - will you live as if you are?