shell can read...

I am trying with fervor to read one book a month at a minimum. So far, so good.

In January I successfully finished “The Broken Way: a daring path into the abundant life” by Ann Voskamp. It was a valuable read that reminded me to live poured out and given away - to choose to draw near to others and share the hard. Through the most vulnerable and heart-wrenching spaces in our lives, God can shine mightily for His glory. It says that same thing for another 200+ pages - in different words and in different ways. It is beautifully written and it pulled at my heart strings many times. You now have the basic underlying current. If you need that message - read it! 

February brought “She Reads Truth: holding tight to permanent in a world that’s passing away” by Rachel Myers and Amanda Bible Williams. I do not have enough good things to say. OH MY GOODNESS this book is a MUST BUY. It is packed full of Scripture. There are countless reminders of Truth and why we choose to fill our minds and hearts with the knowledge of WHO we are in Christ so we can stand firm in times of trouble, so we are shaken but do not crumble. 

“She reads Truth to find Jesus. And He is there, on every page, greater than her trumps and shame, vaster than her needs and her pain. Those are real to be certain. But they are the partial, the passing away. Jesus-and Jesus alone-is the Perfect and the Permanent. The Truth does not magically erase her suffering or cure her disappointment. It does not negate her struggle or invalidate her sorrow. It does something even better - it leads her into relationship with the One who made her and makes her new, the One who is greater than all of these. The Truth brings her face-to-face with the God who has never shopped loving His children, who has never failed to dow hat He says He will do. The Truth is love in black-and-white - a love that does not change, even when her Bible is closed.” 

If that doesn’t inspire you to a: read the book or b: pick up your Bible and start faithfully filling your heart with Truth, I am not sure what will! I am so grateful to have spent the time saturating in the words shared by these incredible women of faith. Their stories will make you cry and the Scriptures they share will remind you that we can press on toward the goal, running with endurance the race marked out for us. They speak with boldness and confidence and yet are real and honest and vulnerably give their stories away. 10 chapters of raw, life changing, courage, CALLING out for women to get on their knees and choose Jesus by starting with Scripture and a heart and mind that can recall His promises in the moment you just might need Him the most. What an anthem. 

Next up...nice girls don't change the world. 

I want to be THAT friend...

February has been a hard month…a month of loss and goodbye…a month where the loneliness feels tangible and in darker moments I can feel it closing in and maybe even taste it as it creates that bulging lump in my throat and burning behind my eyes that threatens to give away the secret that I’m not really holding it together all that well.

I’ve had so many thoughts these past few days and weeks. Some have made me feel abundantly and ridiculously selfish. Some have reminded me again who I really want to be and how I want to love others. I know I don’t ever want to ask the question “what can I do?” but rather just decide what I will do and then go about the business of actually doing it. I want to be the friend that sends the flowers or takes a meal (or Cinnabon) or shows up - rings the doorbell - and packs them boxes. I want to be the friend you text first when you need a ride to the airport because you know I really am happy to help. See here’s the thing. I’ve battled a little bit these past few weeks as I have spent countless hours packing my house by myself. Hours feeling a slight smidge sorry for myself and my “alone-ness” because the vast majority of my close friends are growing humans, feeding newborn humans, or nurturing the small humans (or live out of town) and therefore circumstances have rendered them somewhat unavailable to show up. It isn’t that they don’t care or don’t love me – my mind knows this – but my heart sometimes tells me a different story – one that replaces loved with UNLOVED and UNSEEN and NOT CARED FOR – one where I give a lot more than I receive and I pour out and show up more than any of my friends will ever return. In case you are wondering, I would really love a husband and a small human to care for; but the Lord hasn’t answered that prayer for me – yet – He has said wait or maybe no – and I’ve ended up in this particular chapter of life relatively on my own. It’s emptying and though I have been met by Jesus here in profoundly beautiful ways, that doesn’t change the incredibly human hard of this space. The wrestle is real and it’s the fiercest battle I have ever faced. I have never known a desert as vast and dry as this. As I prayed (and cried) this morning I came back to this place YET AGAIN of resolve and determination that I really do WANT to be the person that shows up regardless. I WANT to be the friend that gives – it really is my joy and honor to throw the bridal shower and the baby shower, to send the snail mail or text message, or just plan a little date with a friend for coffee, dinner or a movie. I love getting to love fully and wholly and that is how God made me. It is His BEST version of me.

SO. In the mist of the dark, the desperate in-between, the days where tears fall more often than not and clawing for another step is a regular occurrence - because let’s face it, we’re on the verge of falling apart here…I am proclaiming it now – I don’t care if you show up, I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE MY PEOPLE. GOD PLACED YOU IN MY LIFE AND IT IS MY JOY, MY HONOR, MY BLESSING to LOVE YOU FIERCELY AND WITH EVERY OUNCE. Lord, let me not forget this is how You made me and the gifts You gave me and the heartbeat You placed within me. I do this for YOU and through YOU I will be richly blessed and fulfilled and that is more than enough.

so...i dated.

It’s Valentine’s day, so it feels like an appropriate day to record officially that I dated. It’s true. I did it. For the past six weeks there have been secret and unposted blogs sitting in drafts. I was waiting to see how this would play out before pushing post. Waiting to see if it would be a series or a single thought of finality. I’m guessing you can tell by the past-tense nature of the opening that it is the later.

I laughed with the Lord on January 08 when I went on my first date (really ever). I prayed throughout the entirety of 2016 that I would go on a date. It was my goal for the year: 2016 – the year shell goes on a date. It didn’t happen. But on January 02 I started talking to Mitch (for the purpose of this blog, his name has been changed – I’ve chosen to select a new name from the national hurricane center – I think that’s HILARIOUS) and then he asked me to coffee and after two+ hours outside Starbucks without a drop of actual caffeinating, he asked for my number and wanted to see me again. Hope started to well up within me. In the long run, we went on 5 dates and then (on Sunday, February 12) he told me he saw us as friends long term. At that point, I had to be honest and say I’m not really looking for a friend – I’m protecting my heart and time for the guy the Lord ultimately has for me and I just don’t have the space for an alternative. I want to chase Jesus first and foremost, and if He has a guy for me – I would LOVE that, but a friend as filler just isn’t gonna work.

I know it was the right decision to close the door and tell him I needed to say no to hanging out and adventuring together (his go-to-line was “more adventures to come”) if we weren't going to date - that's way too messy and complicated for me. I’m a deep feeler and I would get overly involved, there is just no way around it.  Nevertheless, it is still hard to close the door to the IDEA of having A somebody. That feeling of hope - and now hope disappointed - well if I'm honest that's a crushing blow. The thought of potentially dating and having A somebody was really fun. The momentary thought of having a boyfriend before my 32 birthday – the split second where it just might have been my turn - well - I really liked that. BUT I want the RIGHT guy far more than SOME guy - and I want what God has far more than heartbreak to come. I am grateful the Lord is protecting my heart - even if there is a bit more disappointment now.

Truth be told - it was the best first dating experience I could have had. Mitch treated me well, he was kind and respectful. Even in the goodbye he had only nice things to say. He just isn't THE guy. That doesn't change that the longing feels even more pronounced in this particular moment, or that I know for certain a husband and a family are still undoubtedly dreams and desires of my heart, or that lonely feels like something I can literally taste. Still I learned a lot about what I want and I think I also learned about what I didn't have in Mitch.

The truth is that God used Mitch in my life – the “I am undate-able” concept had to die because a guy DID ask me on a date which means the dream isn’t totally dead. The small part of me that really didn’t think it could ever happen was WRONG – it happened. God has a plan, and perfect timing - and I am going to wait and trust and ask for renewed hope. And I can guarantee it won't be easy (it hasn't been thus far, so what is new) but I do believe it will be worth it. 

“But the Lord’s plans stand firm forever; His intentions can never be shaken.” Psalm 33:11

there will never be another like my Grandma, Ellie B.

My grandma died this morning. She was 99-years-old and it should have been “enough time” - it was so many more years than most of us are given, and yet somehow in this moment, it doesn’t feel like nearly as much as I really wanted…I wanted her to meet my husband and be there on my wedding day…I wanted her to know my kids, to love my kids, to share so many more moments - because I loved having her here so much. She would tell me I’m selfish if she heard me saying this - and she’s right - I told her she could go - she was ready. I got so much time than I ever thought possible, and I am so grateful for every moment and priceless memory. I couldn’t possibly encapsulate the wonderful and amazing Ellen B. Cochran…but my goodness I wish you could have known her…

Ellie loved us well - she came to virtually everything - from childhood performances of numerous varieties at church to 6th and 8th grade graduations to hearing the Red Robe Choir sing (on numerous occasions) to the major milestones like walking across the stage at CBU and receiving my diploma, she was always there. She celebrated every birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas with us and was generous all throughout the years. I remember a pink Barbie wardrobe and a mini-backpack I wanted so desperately I couldn’t stand it - both were wrapped and waiting for me under her tree. She also gave me my very first bottle of perfume - instantly I felt all grown up. She took me on many a shopping spree before school began each fall - Grandma LOVED to shop and was quite the fashionista - she always looked spry. I’ll never forget her lime green jacket - she always wore bright colors and lots of accessories - maybe that’s where I got it. Maybe I got my love for clothes and accessories from my grandma! 

When we were kids, we spent a fair bit of time at Grandma’s house and we loved going to her pool, she always wore these same white strappy plastic shoes (I can almost hear the sound of them right now) as we clopped along the path together, towels in hand for an afternoon in the community pool. She also had a legit pool cap - white - with flowers on the side. She even looked cute in that! Technically kids weren’t allowed in the jacuzzi - but Grandma always let us break the rules! We shared countless meals together at Grandpa’s “favorite” taco shop - which just happened to be Taco Bell and she thoroughly enjoyed sharing a salad at Applebees! She made the very best Velveeta chili cheese dip served with Fritos as appetizer before the holiday meal! YUM! She always kept a stash of the snickers ice-cream bars in her freezer alongside those Dibs ice-cream bites, which were perfect for stealing! Truth be told she had a stash of ALL kinds of things in her freezer and most of them weren’t packaged up very well - she didn’t have the BEST track record for sealing bags in the freezer OR the cupboards. Ziplock bags Grandma, come on! ha! 

She loved music - she played the organ and had one in her house - I remember LOVING that thing when I was little. She also listened to music on her really fancy stereo system and danced around the house…she loved to dance and had special dancing shoes. I always wanted to try them on and usually she let me. She had a double mirrored closet and the doors were so special - they made 100 of you…it was like walking into Wonka Land. Grandma hid things and never remembered where she hid them - I found diamonds in the bottom of a jar of marbles once - I don’t think she ever loved me more than THAT moment. 

I don’t think I’ve ever loved her more than THIS moment. I am actually wearing a pair of her socks today. When Mom and I went to see her on January 28 (the last time I ever saw her, just 9 days ago) she gave me a stack of socks that were too tight and insisted they’d be too small for me (I can hear her in my head right now…you’re wrong Grandma, they’re not). I pulled a pair on this morning and smiled thinking about her. I didn’t know I’d soon receive the call that she had passed peacefully in her sleep. I told her earlier this year that she could go, that it was ok, she told me “God has been gracious to me” and she is right - He gave us so many good days and only a few that were truly very hard. She has been so tired and ready to say goodbye to this world. I will miss her more than I could ever say, but am beyond words grateful for the incredible years we shared - growing up as her granddaughter was an honor extraordinaire - there will never be another like my Grandma, Ellie B. 

honest surrender...

I read these words in a devotional a few days ago and I immediately had to copy and paste –

The hours before Jesus’ arrest were the most stressful, trying moments of His life. Unlike us, Jesus could have taken control and avoided the cross. Instead we see Jesus sweating profusely in agonized prayer, pleading, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done” (Luke 22:42, ESV).

Do you hear the surrender in Jesus’ words? I often picture the posture of surrender as hands serenely lifted during a gentle worship song. But perhaps the image of Jesus’ sweaty battle on His knees is more accurate.

So often I feel like THESE are my thoughts – the thoughts I so desperately want to convey and share to so many I walk life alongside. We as Christians seem to think we have to be ok all the time. We have to live totally put together, we aren’t allowed to have any feelings of angst and we better mask and cover up the war we’re waging on the inside so we can walk in total peace and rest, demonstrating grace to others and ourselves in the midst of the darkest night and fiercest battles of our lives. Sweet friends, I do not think it’s true. We have a God we can be honest with…a God we can come before in brokenness and present ourselves as a mess heap of wreckage. We don’t have to pretend. We can throw off every ounce of pulled together and just cry out before our God who loves us wholly and already knows that on the inside we are combusting. Already knows that we don’t understand and we are totally exploding with confusion and fear and disappointment and sorrow. He doesn’t expect us to be anything other than exactly what we are – humans – perfectly made in His image – weak and feeble but HELD UP BY HIM.

I think we do ourselves and everyone around us such a disservice by living so intently masked behind these layers of deception – the ordinary can be extremely difficult. We need each other – we need to be praying for one another and walking alongside each other as that cloud of witnesses that remind one another of all the places we see God. He is abundantly present but sometimes in the midst of the storm He seems distant and impossible to reach – the silence feels deafening and no matter now desperately you are looking for Him, all that seems to be comprehensible is hopelessness. Being reminded by someone that loves you, someone you trust that there is light, that you are growing, that He is at work and it is abundantly clear – THAT gives you strength to take one more step and keep going believing He is doing something bigger than you just can’t see.

SO if Jesus can live surrendered - without sin - and it’s an agonizing plea, perhaps we don’t’ need to be quite as dignified before the throne or each other…perhaps we can present ourselves as a living sacrifice – POURED OUT – but honestly surrendered, humbled, broken mess heaps and we can accept one another in our feeble state and walk together hand in hand through whatever battles we may face. What a beautiful picture of the family of Christ. What a beautiful picture of love, held together by Him.