February has been a hard month…a month of loss and goodbye…a month where the loneliness feels tangible and in darker moments I can feel it closing in and maybe even taste it as it creates that bulging lump in my throat and burning behind my eyes that threatens to give away the secret that I’m not really holding it together all that well.
I’ve had so many thoughts these past few days and weeks. Some have made me feel abundantly and ridiculously selfish. Some have reminded me again who I really want to be and how I want to love others. I know I don’t ever want to ask the question “what can I do?” but rather just decide what I will do and then go about the business of actually doing it. I want to be the friend that sends the flowers or takes a meal (or Cinnabon) or shows up - rings the doorbell - and packs them boxes. I want to be the friend you text first when you need a ride to the airport because you know I really am happy to help. See here’s the thing. I’ve battled a little bit these past few weeks as I have spent countless hours packing my house by myself. Hours feeling a slight smidge sorry for myself and my “alone-ness” because the vast majority of my close friends are growing humans, feeding newborn humans, or nurturing the small humans (or live out of town) and therefore circumstances have rendered them somewhat unavailable to show up. It isn’t that they don’t care or don’t love me – my mind knows this – but my heart sometimes tells me a different story – one that replaces loved with UNLOVED and UNSEEN and NOT CARED FOR – one where I give a lot more than I receive and I pour out and show up more than any of my friends will ever return. In case you are wondering, I would really love a husband and a small human to care for; but the Lord hasn’t answered that prayer for me – yet – He has said wait or maybe no – and I’ve ended up in this particular chapter of life relatively on my own. It’s emptying and though I have been met by Jesus here in profoundly beautiful ways, that doesn’t change the incredibly human hard of this space. The wrestle is real and it’s the fiercest battle I have ever faced. I have never known a desert as vast and dry as this. As I prayed (and cried) this morning I came back to this place YET AGAIN of resolve and determination that I really do WANT to be the person that shows up regardless. I WANT to be the friend that gives – it really is my joy and honor to throw the bridal shower and the baby shower, to send the snail mail or text message, or just plan a little date with a friend for coffee, dinner or a movie. I love getting to love fully and wholly and that is how God made me. It is His BEST version of me.
SO. In the mist of the dark, the desperate in-between, the days where tears fall more often than not and clawing for another step is a regular occurrence - because let’s face it, we’re on the verge of falling apart here…I am proclaiming it now – I don’t care if you show up, I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE MY PEOPLE. GOD PLACED YOU IN MY LIFE AND IT IS MY JOY, MY HONOR, MY BLESSING to LOVE YOU FIERCELY AND WITH EVERY OUNCE. Lord, let me not forget this is how You made me and the gifts You gave me and the heartbeat You placed within me. I do this for YOU and through YOU I will be richly blessed and fulfilled and that is more than enough.
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