so...i dated.

It’s Valentine’s day, so it feels like an appropriate day to record officially that I dated. It’s true. I did it. For the past six weeks there have been secret and unposted blogs sitting in drafts. I was waiting to see how this would play out before pushing post. Waiting to see if it would be a series or a single thought of finality. I’m guessing you can tell by the past-tense nature of the opening that it is the later.

I laughed with the Lord on January 08 when I went on my first date (really ever). I prayed throughout the entirety of 2016 that I would go on a date. It was my goal for the year: 2016 – the year shell goes on a date. It didn’t happen. But on January 02 I started talking to Mitch (for the purpose of this blog, his name has been changed – I’ve chosen to select a new name from the national hurricane center – I think that’s HILARIOUS) and then he asked me to coffee and after two+ hours outside Starbucks without a drop of actual caffeinating, he asked for my number and wanted to see me again. Hope started to well up within me. In the long run, we went on 5 dates and then (on Sunday, February 12) he told me he saw us as friends long term. At that point, I had to be honest and say I’m not really looking for a friend – I’m protecting my heart and time for the guy the Lord ultimately has for me and I just don’t have the space for an alternative. I want to chase Jesus first and foremost, and if He has a guy for me – I would LOVE that, but a friend as filler just isn’t gonna work.

I know it was the right decision to close the door and tell him I needed to say no to hanging out and adventuring together (his go-to-line was “more adventures to come”) if we weren't going to date - that's way too messy and complicated for me. I’m a deep feeler and I would get overly involved, there is just no way around it.  Nevertheless, it is still hard to close the door to the IDEA of having A somebody. That feeling of hope - and now hope disappointed - well if I'm honest that's a crushing blow. The thought of potentially dating and having A somebody was really fun. The momentary thought of having a boyfriend before my 32 birthday – the split second where it just might have been my turn - well - I really liked that. BUT I want the RIGHT guy far more than SOME guy - and I want what God has far more than heartbreak to come. I am grateful the Lord is protecting my heart - even if there is a bit more disappointment now.

Truth be told - it was the best first dating experience I could have had. Mitch treated me well, he was kind and respectful. Even in the goodbye he had only nice things to say. He just isn't THE guy. That doesn't change that the longing feels even more pronounced in this particular moment, or that I know for certain a husband and a family are still undoubtedly dreams and desires of my heart, or that lonely feels like something I can literally taste. Still I learned a lot about what I want and I think I also learned about what I didn't have in Mitch.

The truth is that God used Mitch in my life – the “I am undate-able” concept had to die because a guy DID ask me on a date which means the dream isn’t totally dead. The small part of me that really didn’t think it could ever happen was WRONG – it happened. God has a plan, and perfect timing - and I am going to wait and trust and ask for renewed hope. And I can guarantee it won't be easy (it hasn't been thus far, so what is new) but I do believe it will be worth it. 

“But the Lord’s plans stand firm forever; His intentions can never be shaken.” Psalm 33:11