FAR from perfect...

I was listening to a podcast earlier today (shocker, I know!) and a blogpost topic was mentioned that stirred me. The topic was “10 things I don’t want you to know” with the idea being that so often we put our best faces forward and hide the things we feel are shameful or hard or embarrassing or quirky, funny, etc. rather than just embracing who we are and letting the world into that space. It’s been a really interesting journey bearing my heart on the internet, being exposed and vulnerable. But I think it’s worth it. I think it instantly gives more story more value and gives it power beyond just me. So here I go. Here are 10 truths - some are funny, and some are deeper and have a little more weight to them.

1. I have really dirty hair most of the time. Not like kind of a little bit dirty…like REALLY dirty. Take today as an example - today my hair is up in a messy bun on the top of my head. It looks pretty cute actually. But it hasn’t been washed in 12 days. I go through dry shampoo WAY faster than regular shampoo and it’s a bit pathetic (and simultaneously super awesome) that I go so long between the lather, rinse, repeat.

2. I’m a sensitive soul. Always have been. I’m a feeler to the max and my heartbeat for other people is deep and strong. I live loud and bold with all my cards exposed, which means I also get wounded and have a tendency to cry a lot. Especially in my car. My car has seen more tears than you could ever know.

3. Sometimes I go shopping just to make myself feel better. It’s not something I’m proud of and it’s something I’ve worked hard on at different points in my life. Nevertheless, a new lipstick or nail polish (or anything Kate Spade) still does the trick. I do love wonderful places like TJMAXX where I can find treasures without spending a ton of money - and often end up buying things for other people instead of myself. Gifts are undoubtedly my love language and my mom has always said I’m going to be poor forever because I will always be more interested in giving my money away than keeping it for later.

4. I love television and sometimes I watch in obscene quantities. At some point my best adventuremate Gan gave me the title gold-medal television athlete. I have shows that record almost every night and although right now I am not caught up, it would not be beyond me to spend a Saturday under the covers or cuddled up beneath my World Changers quilt watching the day away. Literally. THE ENTIRE DAY.

5. I never want to be known as the headache girl, and yet that’s exactly who I am. I’ve battled major headaches since I was 19 - I was hit in the head with a ceiling support beam while serving with World Changers and it changed everything for me. I feel sick almost all the time and everything in me wants to hide that. I don’t want you to know that I throw up often or don’t sleep many nights because the pain keeps me awake. I don’t want you to know that I take copious amounts of medication to face normal life or that I literally HATE doctors and have intense waiting room anxiety. I don’t want you to think of headaches when you think of me or to think I’m brave or strong because I live life in spite of them. I want you to just see me. I want to be the funny girl or the girl who loves loud, and yet being the headache girl is a huge part of my story. It’s just a part I haven’t come to terms with telling.

6. I have amazing friends and yet I battle friendship insecurity. I have had friends walk away in various seasons of my life and that pain is crippling. I don’t know how to love halfway or with boundaries and protection. My heart is all the way in. Completely invested. So people can wreck me. I love with all of me knowing the potential to get hurt is always present and almost waiting for it to happen, waiting to be disappointed, heart-broken, and crushed. I feel like friendships are my responsibility and that if I don’t do the work, they’ll disappear and it will be my fault. And no matter how many times I try to convince myself I am loved, I think there is an underlying current, a lie, that makes me believe I am actually unlovable.

7. People shop my house to throw parties. There is an element of that statement that is totally awesome, and a small piece of hideously shameful. I have so much stuff. I’m not married yet, and I honestly have no idea what I will register for when that day comes. (That’s totally not true - I will get new dishes that aren’t chipped #roommates as well as new linens and a set of pots and pans that aren’t a big ol’ mess of this and that just as a start). I have a beautiful collection of cake plates and serving trays and other various pieces that I adore. The hideously shameful comes from the quantity and deep love for my possessions. I know I should not love stuff and that if something gets broken it really shouldn’t matter, but I have an unhealthy attachment to some of my dessert plates and cake plates, etc. I’m sentimental to the core so I remember who they came from and when and also just think they’re some of my very cutest things. If my house caught on fire, I’d be hard-pressed to decide what to grab!

8. I am a grow woman and I go to bed with my makeup on almost every night, it is definitely not beyond me to go buy new underwear to avoid doing laundry, and I have been known to wear leggings and a comfy dress on a Sunday - then to bed - and then again on a Monday. I like to think it doesn’t matter because they’re different groups of people and chances are no one will see me both days. It’s the ultimate lazy. My friend said to me just the other day, “Shell, you’re good at everything; well, except basic life stuff.”

9. My accessory collection is out of control and I’m not sure I’ll ever feel like I have “enough”. I am a firm believer that basic clothes can be dressed up with a cute scarf or the right necklace. Last summer there was one weekend when I was a bridesmaid in my friend Rebecca’s wedding, my best Carrie was in her brother’s wedding, my best Jenny and her sister Kacie were in their sister Kate’s wedding and my closie Shan was going to wedding in Pennsylvania and I single handedly provided the jewels for ALL OF US to wear. We all looked fabulous, but yes, it is THAT bad. I had bracelets and necklaces and earrings for all.

10. I am a people pleaser to the core of my being, I am a self-sacrificer and I have very little ability to say no. I am horrible at self-care and will always pick the needs of others over my own. Sometimes I am not sure I even see me. The Lord has brought me a long way in the this regard but I still have so much work and growing to do. It is an amazing gift to show up for other people and meet their needs in a unique way. But it needs to be a gift and not an obligation. It needs to be done in joy and not in desperation with an underlying current of fear of failure or disappointment. It’s ok to say no to good things in life to make space for GREAT things and it is ok to just need space sometimes too. I think that all feels so selfish to me but I am going to continue to seek Him and ask for help. He is faithful and I know He will sustain and provide for me even in my insufficiency.

So there you have it. I am far from perfect. I’m kind of a hot mess and have numerous areas of weakness. I have questionable life skills (even though I got an A in that class in high school) and need a lot of Jesus all the time as well as calming affirmation and reassurance that I am loved, beautiful, and seen. The Lord knows my heart and He adores me, and for that I am truly grateful. Even though I am kind of a heap, the truth is I am beautifully and wonderfully made for a perfect purpose that ONLY I can fulfill. So off I go to live my one wild and glorious adventure to the very best of my ability seeking Him fully and giving it my all. Are you with me?

rain fall and puddle jumping...

Loneliness. I have come to realize it has absolutely nothing to do with being alone. I have lots of friends - amazing, wonderful, cherished friends who are all incredibly supportive and have seemingly endless words of inspiration and advice, encouragement, nuggets of truth and an abundance of hope. The problem is at this particular moment in time, I kind of just want to sit in the mess. I want to be allowed to wallow. To feel sad and disappointed and little bit hopeless. All of the feels are so suffocating that their words, though kind and well-intentioned, make the tears erupt and the floodgates of my heart spill open. And to be frankly honest, I’m afraid to let it out. I’m afraid to start saying all that my heart contains because some of it is really ugly and some of it hurts too much to admit. Today I just want to crawl back in bed. Today I just want that one friend who is willing to crawl back in with me and not say a word, the one who will cry with me, or watch endless hours of Grey’s Anatomy season 2 (some of the best television of all time).

It makes me think of one of my all-time favorite quotes from Henri Nouwen, “When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

Tomorrow (maybe) I will try again - I will try to run into whatever the Lord has for me. I know that I will not stay stuck in this season, that even if answers to my prayers don't come quickly, I will not stay locked in despair. The Lord is so faithful and He will release my heart from this. I will not be content to remain a heaping pile of wreckage. I know that life is bigger and more and that He has a great plan for me. As my dad reminded me the other day, God is still on His plan A for my life even if it is my plan B or plan C. But today, JUST TODAY, I want to crawl back under the covers and let the rain fall. Tomorrow - one of you wonderful, amazing friends can buy me some of those plastic galoshes and we can go puddle jumping together.

you can change the world...

My Emily is coming to California tomorrow. TOMORROW. Oh my goodness I am so excited. I haven’t seen Em since December 08, 2013 - it was snowing and brrrr cold outside and tears poured down our cheeks as we said goodbye after one of the most significant and meaningful weekends of our lives - it was the weekend Emily walked down the aisle and started her life as Mrs. Bryan Diaz. I was her Maid of Honor and though the Diaz Wedding Extravaganza was anything but the expected, for my heart, it was perfection. Those late night hotel room moments and monumental conversations, the last minute crafting and sitting together doing our makeup on the big day, the prayer just before the Michael’s guitar serenade began to play and a new chapter in her life began, standing right beside my Emy through every single significant bit of it, will be cherished forever.

I met Em in 2007, just days after I graduated from CBU, just before adult life had to formally begin. We were World Changers. We worked long days with sleepless nights, but there was literally nothing better. I think because she is coming tomorrow (and perhaps because I went to Evangelism Training earlier this week - which was totally my job when I was on staff) I keep having these amazing little flashes back to my WC days - to some of the most incredible people I have ever known and a hugely foundational aspect of my relationship with Christ. I went on my first WC project when I was only 16 - a group of us loaded up in a menagerie of vehicles and headed for Casper, Wyoming. I was placed on a construction crew where I was a “Dandy Sanding Roof Rat” and spent 5 days roofing, painting, installing new siding, and generally repairing the home of an elderly woman whose house was in desperate need of some love and attention. We built planter boxes and purchased flowers already in bloom. It was an amazing experience - tangibly being the hands of Jesus - His love in action - His story being told through my life. He captured my heart that week and I have never been the same. Truly. That was all it took. He changed my world.

I honestly don’t even remember how applying for World Changers Summer Staff happened. I don’t know who told me it was a thing - maybe Tedd Brent - my youth pastor and the man I credit with introducing me to World Changers in the first place - God bless his soul. But I do remember having a phone interview, and I remember the day that Walter flew to California and met me to interview me in person, and I remember when he asked me to describe my relationship with the Lord in less than five words and I said “continually growing” and his response gave me a deeply settled and peaceful feeling that maybe, just maybe I was going to be a missionary and nothing in life and ever sounded more right. I also remember exactly where I was the day I got the official call that I had been accepted and would officially be a World Changer. My actual WC experience was way harder and far more beautiful than anything I could have ever imagined, but it was undoubtedly part of the plans the Lord had for me and it will forever be a savored part of my story.

My first summer on staff I was on the South Team with Rachel, Calvin and Nathan. It was hard. Our team dynamics were a challenge and our projects brought a myriad of obstacles. In Jackson, Mississippi we had the youth group that had sharpie races down the hallway and destroyed the unfinished wooden doors and the group leader who did donuts on the freshly laid sod at the brand new high school that was scheduled to open that fall. In Baton Rouge, Louisiana the air-conditioning in the church broke, pooled in the ceiling, and the crashed through flooding multiple girls rooms and destroying all their possessions meaning we literally stayed up all night after night washing and drying sleeping bags and clothes. There was also a boy who got bitten by a brown recluse and was desperately ill. However, in the midst of all that, we saw hearts turn to the Lord and there was something compelling about being a part of His family in such a dynamic and daily way. We were giving every ounce of ourselves to serving Him and loving loudly for all to see and hear. I loved waking up in the morning knowing all I had to do was love people in Christ’s name. Our last project of the summer was in Shreveport, Louisiana and there was this amazing volunteer named Sara Linkous. I didn’t know it at the time, but Sara would soon become my best friend and would be a WC Summer Staffer herself a couple summers later. God gave me some of the most amazing gifts through WC. I absolutely never could have known. At the end of the summer I remember feeling so very convoluted about whether or not I would return - World Changers felt like my heartbeat and yet it had been such a hard summer and I was so tired; yet, when the question was formally asked, there was zero hesitation. I said yes.

My second summer I was on the Tennessee team, though we spent very little time actually in Tennessee. My team was FANTASTIC and Whitey (aka. Chris White) even made a trip to California to visit alongside his gorgeous wife Bri in fall 2014 to fulfill a promise made that summer - that he would come visit prior to having his first child! We had projects in Jackson, Tennessee; West Memphis, Arkansas; Chicago, Illinois; and then headed back to Baton Rouge, Louisiana and Shreveport, Louisiana. It was kind of an incredible thing to do those projects over again. It redeemed them in a way. The Tennessee Team was FUN. Period. We had a code word for group hug - PUMPERNICKEL - and played World Changers Jeopardy in the opening celebration. We had great adventures in our “downtime” and all got along so well. We met Larry Williams and consumed entirely too much Sonic but that was the fun part of WC - you didn’t sleep and you worked crazy hard, but you made the most wild and outlandishly memories doing totally normal and mundane things like going to happy hour at Sonic EVERY SINGLE DAY. We were supposed to have separate debriefing meetings at the close of our time together, but Bill Kisner sat us down and asked us if we wanted to all just meet together, because never had a team been so connected or wholly invested in one another as we were.

My third summer was NOTHING like the first two. I was on on the Atlantic Team - we started our adventure in Puerto Rico and then ended in Florida. World Changers PR is totally it’s own animal, it’s amazing and incredible and absolutely one of my favorite places on earth. I fell in love with the people and there is NOTHING quite like a frappe after working (aka. sweating) with all your might. Worshipping under the stars with the sound of the waves crashing is phenomenal and a concert of prayer with an ocean breeze cannot be paralleled. The tastes and scents of the island are so vivid and they’re all rushing back to me even as I type this. I loved everything about being there. We got to build houses in Puerto Rico which is significantly different and getting to write Scripture in the walls and on the foundation of a home is a monumental experience that isn not soon forgotten. Leaving the island was like having something ripped from within me - it stayed there and I came home. Puerto Rico will forever own my heart. However, I will say I am glad I no longer smell like Puerto Rico - that was questionable to say the least.

My final summer on staff I led the New Orleans Team and worked with Emily and Michael - the two teammates I have remained the closest to - and Brian. We started the summer with three projects in New Orleans and it was incredibly moving and heart-wrenching to see how much recovery from Hurricane Katrina still needed to be completed. The devastation in the city was still so very real. We focused our efforts on Musicians Village and spent a great deal of time working with Project Noah Rebuild as well as Habitat for Humanity. We then headed North and did a project in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and one in Ottawa, Ontario, CANADA. Allowing me to end my WC career with an international experience. Our summer together was probably my very favorite. I have more memories than I could ever record. We laughed harder and louder and our friendships were deeper, we slept even less than usual and loved the kids with every ounce of us. Perhaps for me it was because I knew it was the end. I knew adult life was just around the corner and this was my last chance to live the World Changers life. Or maybe it was just the right places with the right people or the right moment in my relationship with the Lord. Whatever it was, it was the perfect finale to an incredibly chapter in my life.

In totality, I was able to do a total of 19 projects as a summer staffer plus an additional three as a participant when I was in high school for a grand total of 21. I worked with over 5,000 participants, saw approximately 380 low-income homes repaired and about 10 built up from the foundation. I spent almost a year of my life in the mission field in totality, which is crazy when I think about it. It was hard but so fulfilling and I absolutely loved it. Sometimes I wonder if the Lord will call me into that again. It was undoubtedly the best job I’ve ever had and I would do it again in a second. I miss the World Changers days. I miss the days of prepping and the calm stillness just before a project began as we prayed knowing the kids would begin to arrive any time. I miss traveling the country with my team and knowing all kinds of crazy was waiting just around the corner. God worked in incredible ways in my own heart and right in front of my eyes. There are moments I will never be able to forget. Moments when students knelt before the cross and found Jesus or homeowners finally confronted the issues that had stood in the way of accepting salvation as they watched our kids decide to be love. World Changers was powerful and tangible and it made so much sense to me. It taught me how to be a servant, how to love people, how to show up and pour in and come alongside and I will forever be grateful for the ways the Lord used it to mold and shape me. I may never change the world in quite the same way - but I will forever be a World Changer.

a sprinkle as a springboard...

I haven’t posted anything even remotely design-y in a long time. But I have done a bit of design work here and there, on the side, in my spare time. Par usual, most of my recent design work has been for friends - but that’s honestly my favorite kind. There is something about knowing and loving the person who is going to use the final piece that makes it so much more fun and meaningful and significant. I don’t think it works that way for everyone. Lots of people are happy to design for strangers - but I love stories - I love knowing hearts and hearing heartbeats - so I think that underlying current helps me when producing even the most insignificant of pieces. It’s the motivation I need to keep the computer open and make InDesign work for me even in the wee hours of the morning (in case you were wondering, I hate mornings. And I love sleeping. And beds are WAY more comfortable without computers in them!)

My latest creation was a sprinkle invite for my childhood best friend Anna. She is hosting the sprinkle for her older sister Sarah who is currently pregnant with her second child, another little boy. I grew up with Anna and Sarah - I’ve known them for as long as there has been knowing, so it is especially fun to design for them. Anna is also one of the most enthusiastic receivers of all things creative which adds another layer of amusement to the entire process. She is ridiculously complimentary and never fails to make me think I’m obscenely talented and should quit my day job and just go into business on my own. (This would NOT be a good idea. I would NOT make enough money to survive and I’m almost 30, paying the bills should absolutely stay a priority in my life!) In this particular case, my mom was also a recipient of the invitation and my dad almost instantaneously sent me a text asking if I had designed it because it “looked like me” confirming I do indeed have a signature style. I told him my logo is on the back, but he said he didn’t see it because it’s on the fridge. I feel a smidge bit like the elementary school kid who got a gold star - my parents have my artwork on their fridge! ha!

Anyway, there is a lot of conversation currently happening behind the scenes (and it causes me to have to stop and take deep breaths and calm myself) about moving my blog to my shop URL and working towards a more active online presence from a design perspective. It feels really scary and so much less anonymous, but there is also an element of excitement that is also hard to deny. I have no idea what will ACTUALLY come of this. Perhaps nothing. Maybe I will totally chicken out. But, nonetheless, I will keep designing for friends, and maybe for some strangers, and maybe make some monies on the side and all of that’s a good thing, right? EEEEeeeek! I am really not sure I can do this. CAN I DO THIS? Yes I have an undergrad in Communications and an MBA, I should be able to run a little online shop - but the time, OH MY GOODNESS the amount of time it takes to do this. But maybe it would make my heart beat faster and maybe it would be exhilarating. Maybe it would fail, but would that really matter? Probably not. I haven’t invested TONS of crazy cash. What do I really have to lose? Maybe I should just start running and just see what comes of it. Things always appear so different in the rearview mirror, in retrospect, but we can’t know what we’ll see looking back until we actually move forward…

an abundance of laughter and an outpouring of tears

Yesterday I posted my ode to Gan and our 11 years of laughing through it all together. And I meant every single word. Living the single life with her has been so much fun. We have been grand adventuremates and have really lived life in this season to the fullest. Somehow because she is totally up for adventure and I am a planner, we worked. She would dream and I would plan and we would actually GO and DO and LIVE large and loud and with more laughter and memories than I could ever contain or encapsulate.

So as I continue to pour out my heart with raw honesty, I suppose it should also be said that as she moves from the single life into this new chapter of married bliss, there is a tiny little pang of loss yet once again. My best adventuremate has found someone else to live life alongside. And of course we will still be friends, I’m not questioning that at all; but our weekend escapades will likely look significantly different. She will have a husband to come home to and won’t just be able to (or might not want to if we’re really honest) hop in the car and head for Orange County on a whim to grab coffee and see a movie on a Sunday afternoon. And maybe I am over-thinking things - that is possible. But I think as the single friend who is “left behind” there is a grieving over a change in the friendship that is inevitable. She is moving into a new season of joy and excitement - of sharing a home with Ryan - and making new memories with him. Those are all really good things and things I will be celebrating for her. But for me, I feel a bit like I’m standing on the curb waving goodbye not knowing exactly when the next adventure will be or what it will look like. And I’ve been that girl so many times before. It is really hard at the beginning and eventually it settles into a new normal. It looks different in each friendship but there is an adjustment period. It’s just real. And with that transition comes the subtle and underlying current of disappointment and loss as once again I’m left on the sidelines to figure out what life looks like in this new context.

Nevertheless, yet once again, here I stand. Embracing wedding season with one of my very best friends. A season full of joy and excitement and celebration and cheer, coupled with longing and sorrow and coming face to face with the harsh reality that once again I’ll be the single girl standing in the center of the dance floor as one of my nearest and dearest gets her chance to actually be the one to toss the bouquet. The continual dance of joy and sadness and living fully amidst an abundance of laughter and an outpouring of tears.

an ode to Gan...

I met Gan in the fall of 2004 when she moved in on campus to begin her educational career at California Baptist University and was placed on 1B - the very best location in all of Simmons Hall, the freshmen girls’ dorm. I vaguely remember being SUPER EXCITED for new student move-in day. I was a sophomore at the time and was working as an Admissions Host and the “Student Life Coordinator” for the entire dorm (my job was to make ALL THINGS FUN, ALL THE TIME) so I’d been on campus for days training and getting things prepared and watching the dorm finally begin to fill with brightly colored lily pulitzer comforters was what my dreams were made of. I am pretty sure Megan would tell you that I was a LOT to take in that first day - that I busted into her room with FAR too much excitement, but it was the start of something ridiculously good. The start of what is now almost 11 of years of adventuring together through some of the best years of our lives.

Megan and I lived on 1B together that year and it laid the foundation of our friendship. We had one class together - History of England - a class that stressed me out to the max because it felt almost impossible to pass, but Gan wasn’t the slightest bit concerned (this is absolutely a depiction of our personalities, one of us is SUPER chill and the other needs to be force fed Xanex from time to time). Gan also made appearances in my speech class periodically. Professor Hockett was older than dirt (both of Megan’s parents have memories of her teaching when they were undergraduate students at CBC) and was hilarious and totally worth coming to class for. Outside of class we made some memories that are ONLY possible at CBU - afternoons like RECESS where all the classes are cancelled and childhood activities are in abundance, or CAMPUS DAYS where the entire school competes and there is some ridiculous obsession with a really heavy pot. That year we were the 1B golfers and we were legit enough to make our grand entrance on a golf cart thanks to my employment with Admissions! We spent a lot of Friday nights watching The Lizzy McGuire movie while eating the pizza that came in strips, went to at least a couple water polo games (a lot of our hallmates were on the team) a LOT of volleyball games and rocked our free CBU t-shirts, shared clothes (I prefer to interject the word stole here - especially when it comes to pajama pants and a particular sweatshirt, but after 11 years you just let a few things go, right? And since Gan will likely read this, I will also say she would argue she “STOLE WITH PERMISSION” - and she’s at least partially right, I did KNOW that she permanently borrowed these items - it wasn’t at all like the klepto down the hall who literally stole things.) ate copious amounts of cafeteria food, sat through a LOT of chapels and went on at least a few weekend adventures.

As college continued, our activity list evolved significantly. She moved into the cottages and I eventually moved into an apartment (with the worst roommate ever I might add, but we cannot even begin to delve into that here). We had Grey’s Anatomy nights where Erika ate approximately 5 servings worth of potatoes and taught us the beauty of “pizza dip” and then moaned from the couch about how much her stomach hurt. We made a lot of “mixes” with songs we could sing at the top of our lungs like "Hey Juliette" and often used words like goldcoast and biscuit. We skipped class far more often than I should admit “publicly on this blog” to watch What Not To Wear with our to-go lunches because there are few things better in life than Stacey London and Clinton Kelley. We decorated our Christmas branch, made quite possibly the ugliest t-shirts of all time, and played a really risky game of earth ball with Tessa’s yoga ball, which we all knew was entirely off-limits for outdoor game play. Apparently Gan and Erika stole my car for trips to Jack in the Box for cookies and cream shakes and curly fries while I was at work. Our friendship was as strong as ever - it was what dreams are made of.

In 2007 I graduated and adulthood had to begin. It was a tough pill to swallow. I moved to Placentia, CA to begin my career and PRAISE THE LORD, that is where Gan’s parents lived as well. When she came home for weekends or breaks from school, we got to spend time together. The murmurings of an adult friendship began and when she graduated in May 2008 and moved home, it was official - we became best adventuremates. It started with Wednesday evening dates on Birch Street - we went to movies - all kinds of movies - every single movie. We ate crepes and drank coffee and watched award shows. We bought Disneyland passes and started spending a LOT of time at THE DIZ and DIZ CA. The words, “WE HAD SO MUCH FUN“ truly do not even begin to cover it. I worked full-time at EvFree Fullerton and she worked at ECCU but we adventured a LOT outside office hours. In the summer of 2008 Kenz got hired at EvFree and shortly thereafter our duo became a trio. We created the “HOT TUB CLUB” and added happy feet to our list of favorite places (Kenz might beg to differ on that one). We took Kenz on her first birthday adventure - a CUPCAKE CRAWL just before the big-bad gluten allergy formally claimed Gan as another victim and stole all her baked good happiness (though we are forever thankful for amazing places like Babycakes and LayerCake for their gluten free delectables). We fell in love with restaurants like Olive Pitt and were forever happy to get a pedicure on a lazy Saturday afternoon. We went on an annual trip to the San Clemente Beach House where we watched countless hours of Harry Potter and The Mole and GIRLS. We became ladies who brunch. It was perfection. I finished my Masters degree in Business Administration and Gan showed up at my house with a bottle of PINK champagne and we celebrated together. We had Christmas parties and birthday celebrations including all kinds of little adventures - there was ice-skating, trips to the zoo where we met and rode Becky, the worst rendition of Little Women any of us have EVER seen, afternoons at The Ghetty, sunsets at Carlsbad, a really sandy beach picnic, two trips to Ellen, lots and lots of shopping and more coffee than you can possibly imagine.

Although long anticipated, the fateful news that Gan was being let go from her position at ECCU did eventually come and along with it came the even more dreaded realization that most likely moving to Pismo Beach would also be in the near future as her dad had just taken a position at a church there. Far too soon the Placentia house sold and the PODS were packed and Gan was gone. However, our adventures were FAR from over. Three day weekends in SLO became an eagerly anticipated event. We visited thrift stores and did some very easy hiking to take in the most beautifully stunning views, went to Shell Beach, did some wine tasting, experienced the Luffa Farm. There is a delightful little coffee shop in Arroyo Grande - Cafe Andreini - that I absolutely adore with a chocolate peanut butter something or other that is absolutely to-die for. We made LOTS of memories while Gan lived in Pismo. Some I am sure she would like to forget - but none of those involved me! We also had this incredible weekend in San Francisco during her tenure there. We ate at Foreign Cinema and rode bikes through Golden Gate Park as it drizzled just slightly. We really have done so many incredible things together.

Sooner than anticipated, that chapter closed and the McAlpine clan was off to the desert - so much closer to home - and new hope was born for quick weekend trips and short extravaganzas. With only a 2 hour drive, lunch and a movie became an option again. Gan and I were back to our perfect day…coffee, a movie, a quick run into Nordy’s Rack, and another coffee. Kenz got engaged in December 2013 and Gan and I were both asked to be bridesmaids. We were at showers and the bachelorette and there was probably Christmas and a birthday celebration or two thrown in. After a whirlwind of activity, a radiant and glowing Kenz walked down the aisle and said I do and embarked on her happily ever after with Jason.

As we have gotten older, life has gotten increasingly full and there are miles and and jobs and ministries and so many other things that live in the spaces between us. With Kenz and Jason married and Gan dating Ryan, it has become a bit more challenging to spend time as a group. At Christmas we were finally all able to all meet up again and had one of our very best adventures ever as Kenz and Jason treated us to Adventures in Odyssey live on stage at Azusa. Gan and I grew up loving the kids radio drama, so seeing it live was unbelievably fun. After so many months apart, it was also a wonderful reminder of how treasured our friendships really are. It was sort of a magical day for me. It was so good for my heart.

I have held firmly to that over the past few months. Gan and I have seen each other a few times and I had the pleasure of actually meeting Ryan. So when I got the text on Friday that he was going to propose and wanted me to drive out for the surprise engagement party there was absolutely no question of where I would be. Gan and I have spent 11 years laughing through life together. It’s kind of amazing to me when I think about it. Who would have thought when Gan moved in on 1B almost 11 years ago that she would be one of the best things that ever happened to me? That we would share so many moments and make so many memories? I’ve done more adventuring with Megan than probably anybody else in my life. When we met, we were babies - she was 18 and I was 19. We had NO IDEA what life had in store. I guess we still don’t. But this I do know. I know that Gan is one of the most vibrant women I have ever known. I know that she loves the Lord and she lives life to the fullest regardless of circumstances. I know that she does not succumb to the pressures of this world (even if you use the word friendship) and she knows exactly who she is. I know she loves Ryan and that she will be an incredible wife. And I know that I am a better me because of walking alongside her and having her speak truth into my life and that I will forever consider myself blessed to have adventured with her through this season. Last night Gan said yes and is now wearing the most gorgeous diamond ring and beginning the walk into a whole new chapter of life and I will be celebrating and cheering and praying her into all that is to come - but right now in this moment - I am just so thankful for the past 11 years with my very best adventuremate and the incredible, beautiful, amazing, wonderful gift the Lord gave me in her friendship! iloveyou Gan!

coffee talk

Last night I had coffee with my friend Laura Austin. Laura met her husband Travis when she was 30, started dating him when she was 31, and they got married when she was 32. I knew Trav pre-Laura through EvFree and remember when they started dating also SO VIVIDLY recall their wedding day - I remember this amazing sense of celebration and joy as they had both waited for one another and the rejoicing that the Lord had answered their prayers was genuine and heartfelt not just between the two of them but every guest in attendance. It was one of the most beautiful weddings I’ve every been to - and it has stuck with me. Laura is one of the four people that reads my blog (shout out to Aimee and Kimie and Jen Tucker - you’re the other 3! ha!) and when she read my post about hearing the words “date online” on repeat from friends throughout the past several years of my life, she sent the loveliest FaceBook message asking if I wanted to have coffee and talk about all things dating and love. I knew she understood, and instantaneously accepted the offer.

As I sat across from her last night sipping my tall skinny decaf mocha, she validated so many of my feelings. She told me it was ok to grieve. That there are moments she still grieves the pain from this season - like it’s a scar and if she sees it, she remembers how much it hurt. It was such a soothing balm for my soul to hear someone who has walked this see me and tell me I’m doing alright. That I’m beautiful, and living life radiantly and with joy even in the midst of moments of disappointment. To say that I don’t necessarily have to get online to find a husband but that it also wouldn’t be a horrible thing. And that if I do end up meeting and marrying someone I meet online, it’s ok to be disappointed that my “happily ever after” doesn’t look quite like I had hoped it would. To hear her remind me that God sees me and has space for every tear that falls and doesn’t minimize my loss or think it is silly, what a gift. Truly. You cannot know.

Most of my friends have not sat in this seat. They haven’t spent days agonizing over who would be their date to that wedding - or tried desperately to envision getting through it solo. They haven’t cried over the announcement that a friend is engaged or seen a baby announcement and felt the ever-growing lump in their throat. They haven’t felt the shame or embarrassment as tears fall driving home from the party where your once single girlfriend introduces you to her new boyfriend and you know it’s serious and you want so badly to be only happy but also feel that tinge of jealousy building up as you try not to jump ahead, try not to assume the friendship will change. And truly I’m so happy for them. I know they have had different pains, different hurts. Tears have fallen for lost love and infertility for desperately sick kids. We all have baggage and buried dreams and broken hearts. We are humans, living in a broken world where pain rules and only in heaven will there be no pain, will every tear be wiped from our eyes and we will know only rejoicing. Today I just feel so ready for heaven.

God is good ALL THE TIME and I rest in His best for my life. Regardless of any longing or desire or hope this side of heaven, His nearness is my good and I will rejoice and praise Him with genuine gratitude. I am so glad I got to have coffee with Laura, I’m so blessed to have her story to encourage me and spur me on, and I’m so touched to know she is praying for me and my future husband WHOEVER he may be and WHENEVER I may meet him. The Lord is faithful, I will trust wholly in Him.

lent...

Last night I was talking with my great friend Meggerator after Community Group - we had chatted about the Oscars and what we were doing / not doing for lent and we landed on the topic of husbands as we SO OFTEN DO (we are both single and 29 and feeling all the feels of this season) and she made a really bold statement that made me shiver in my boots a little but also ignited a little fire in me in the best possible way. Meg said that she has been having a lot of conversations regarding her heart in this season with friends, and she will continue to do so. Then she asked herself a simple question - how many of those same conversations am I having with God. Her challenge was to spend this season of lent truly lamenting, pouring out that deeply rooted desire not just to those who can see and hear the heartbreak and agony of our longing for a husband, a family, the future we fully believe He has in store for us, but also to our Father who so lovingly understands our deepest ache and yearning. To spend intentional time journaling the heart and truly inviting Him into that space, potentially savoring this season that will undoubtedly mark who we become and recording the work He does as we give Him our hopes and dreams and pray over the man who will someday enter the stage.

I have had lots of these conversations with the Lord, but admittedly I haven’t written a single word of lament in a journal. Until last night. When I came home from my time with Meg I made a conscious decision to join her in the journey. To not give up something for lent, but to add something, to record the pain, to write the prayers, to make plain the heartache. Somehow writing it down feels scary, but also so very freeing. In the daylight there is hope and perhaps through that comes a new sense of possibility. Perhaps as I scribble and the tears undoubtedly fall, the grasp that feels so tight around my heart will loosen, perhaps the suffocation won’t feel quite as overwhelming, and I won’t see myself as complete wreckage. There is so much joy in my life. So much gratitude and so much hope. I am truly so thankful for so many reasons and yet there are so many tears, so many disappointments, so many buried dreams. For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. His ways are NOT OUR WAYS and I so desperately want to live His call for my life - I want His good far more than I want the earthly fulfillment of a husband and a family; nevertheless the loss of that dream threatens to choke out my ability to rest fully in Him. Perhaps through this time I will learn to lean into Him in a new way. Oh that this would be a time of letting go and finding restoration and release in the lover of my soul.

and then there was Selma...

I’m officially in a RACE to the Oscars… the Academy Awards air on Sunday and as of yesterday I had only seen 4 of the Best Picture nominees aka… only halfway…aka 4 films to view in a single week. I’m honestly not sure I can do it but I’ll give it my very best effort.

Last night I went to Selma. There has been a LOT of discussion surrounding Selma as it only received two nominations - one for Best Picture and one for Music - Original Song (which took a Golden Globe). It didn’t receive nominations in other anticipated categories such as Best Director or Best Actor and as this is a historical film based on the nonviolent civil rights movement and walk from Selma, Alabama to Montgomery Alabama led by Martin Luther King, Jr. racial prejudices and gender discrimination are heavy concerns even with as far as our country has come in fighting for equality.

Selma was a powerful film, the kind of film that made me ashamed to be white and simultaneously question how I would have responded if I was alive at that point in history. There were so many profound and monumental statements made throughout the film. One of the most poignant concepts for me surrounded this  idea that non-violence was not weak but in fact the exact opposite - it was the very definition and epitome of strength. These men and women of all ages were willing and prepared to walk valiantly towards the battle. They knew the opposition would be waiting with clubs and other various weapons with every intention of brutally attacking and beating them. And yet they marched forward. At one point Martin Luther King Jr. said, “We will triumph for there can be no other way. Fear or not, we have come too far to turn back now.” They were wholeheartedly invested in the effort to gain freedom, for it was life itself they were fighting for. It was so much more than where they sat on a bus or segregation or the right to vote, it was the right to life, real, and true, and free. I have never had to fight that hard for anything. Never experienced that kind of injustice.

Perhaps the most consequential statement for me personally was this: “I’m no different. I want to live long and be happy. But I’ll not be thinking about what I want today. I’ll be thinking about what God wants.” The conviction was deep and instant. That is how Martin Luther King Jr. lived his life. Dedicated to a cause. Committed to changing lives. Willing to sacrifice it all to ensure tomorrow would look different. Am I invested with every ounce of my being to following God’s call for my life? Am I willing to sacrifice everything? I’m no different. I want a husband, a family, maybe even a house - but more than that, I want to live a fulfilled life where at the close I can honestly say I lived my days for the Lord and by grace He will welcome me into salvation. I want to be scattered, I want to leave a legacy that has a lasting impact. I don’t have any grandiose dreams of being the next Martin Luther King Jr. but I do know that I want to walk intentionally into whatever the Lord lays before me with reckless abandon and I want to be ready to forgo the “American dream” to live something far better if that is what He asks. Lord would you give me the courage to be brave and prepare my heart to say YES to You…

30daysocardi || the finale

Well, #30daysocardi is officially complete. Yesterday I wore my whale cardi in celebration of my very last day and it took the silver medal - it was the second most liked image in the series! It is undoubtedly whimsical and has a lot of flair! ha! Plus, who doesn’t love whales (well, other than my friend Carrielove who abhors all things sea life).

Last night I looked through all the outfit pictures I’ve taken in the last 5 weeks and decided which cardigans just weren’t up to par, they promptly went into a donate pile alongside a collection of those I couldn’t even force myself to wear during the challenge. Obviously those aren’t my fav and someone might actually LOVE them - so out of my closet they go. I managed to pull 10 cardigans OUT of my closet to giveaway and I still have several that didn’t make it to an instagram post. I think it is clear I have a fashion bent. I also want to be more vigilant about giving away what I do not use. I am vastly aware that the word “need” is so relative and there are people who might actually have a true need for an item of clothing. My closet is FULL and I still stand there pondering what on earth to wear. That’s ridiculous and I so don’t want that to be my heart. I want to be generous and live intentionally even when it comes to what I purchase. I think it’s totally ok to buy that new top here or there or pants that fit (I’ve lost a bit of weight, so right now clothes that fit are a BIG deal) but then I want to GIVE AWAY what I don’t use - it’s just taking up space and going to waste.

A friend asked me if I was now going to embark on a #30dayswithoutrockingacardi challenge - truth be told, that sounds WAY harder. I have lots of clothes that don’t require a cardi - but I’ve found that cardigans are a security blanket, a fashion crutch, an easy option for a day when I can’t seem to make a clothing decision. So we’ll see. For now, I’m just gonna do all the laundry and re-group, but first I’m gonna pit stop at the clothes-drop because I’ve got some stuff to give away!