an abundance of laughter and an outpouring of tears

Yesterday I posted my ode to Gan and our 11 years of laughing through it all together. And I meant every single word. Living the single life with her has been so much fun. We have been grand adventuremates and have really lived life in this season to the fullest. Somehow because she is totally up for adventure and I am a planner, we worked. She would dream and I would plan and we would actually GO and DO and LIVE large and loud and with more laughter and memories than I could ever contain or encapsulate.

So as I continue to pour out my heart with raw honesty, I suppose it should also be said that as she moves from the single life into this new chapter of married bliss, there is a tiny little pang of loss yet once again. My best adventuremate has found someone else to live life alongside. And of course we will still be friends, I’m not questioning that at all; but our weekend escapades will likely look significantly different. She will have a husband to come home to and won’t just be able to (or might not want to if we’re really honest) hop in the car and head for Orange County on a whim to grab coffee and see a movie on a Sunday afternoon. And maybe I am over-thinking things - that is possible. But I think as the single friend who is “left behind” there is a grieving over a change in the friendship that is inevitable. She is moving into a new season of joy and excitement - of sharing a home with Ryan - and making new memories with him. Those are all really good things and things I will be celebrating for her. But for me, I feel a bit like I’m standing on the curb waving goodbye not knowing exactly when the next adventure will be or what it will look like. And I’ve been that girl so many times before. It is really hard at the beginning and eventually it settles into a new normal. It looks different in each friendship but there is an adjustment period. It’s just real. And with that transition comes the subtle and underlying current of disappointment and loss as once again I’m left on the sidelines to figure out what life looks like in this new context.

Nevertheless, yet once again, here I stand. Embracing wedding season with one of my very best friends. A season full of joy and excitement and celebration and cheer, coupled with longing and sorrow and coming face to face with the harsh reality that once again I’ll be the single girl standing in the center of the dance floor as one of my nearest and dearest gets her chance to actually be the one to toss the bouquet. The continual dance of joy and sadness and living fully amidst an abundance of laughter and an outpouring of tears.