coffee talk

Last night I had coffee with my friend Laura Austin. Laura met her husband Travis when she was 30, started dating him when she was 31, and they got married when she was 32. I knew Trav pre-Laura through EvFree and remember when they started dating also SO VIVIDLY recall their wedding day - I remember this amazing sense of celebration and joy as they had both waited for one another and the rejoicing that the Lord had answered their prayers was genuine and heartfelt not just between the two of them but every guest in attendance. It was one of the most beautiful weddings I’ve every been to - and it has stuck with me. Laura is one of the four people that reads my blog (shout out to Aimee and Kimie and Jen Tucker - you’re the other 3! ha!) and when she read my post about hearing the words “date online” on repeat from friends throughout the past several years of my life, she sent the loveliest FaceBook message asking if I wanted to have coffee and talk about all things dating and love. I knew she understood, and instantaneously accepted the offer.

As I sat across from her last night sipping my tall skinny decaf mocha, she validated so many of my feelings. She told me it was ok to grieve. That there are moments she still grieves the pain from this season - like it’s a scar and if she sees it, she remembers how much it hurt. It was such a soothing balm for my soul to hear someone who has walked this see me and tell me I’m doing alright. That I’m beautiful, and living life radiantly and with joy even in the midst of moments of disappointment. To say that I don’t necessarily have to get online to find a husband but that it also wouldn’t be a horrible thing. And that if I do end up meeting and marrying someone I meet online, it’s ok to be disappointed that my “happily ever after” doesn’t look quite like I had hoped it would. To hear her remind me that God sees me and has space for every tear that falls and doesn’t minimize my loss or think it is silly, what a gift. Truly. You cannot know.

Most of my friends have not sat in this seat. They haven’t spent days agonizing over who would be their date to that wedding - or tried desperately to envision getting through it solo. They haven’t cried over the announcement that a friend is engaged or seen a baby announcement and felt the ever-growing lump in their throat. They haven’t felt the shame or embarrassment as tears fall driving home from the party where your once single girlfriend introduces you to her new boyfriend and you know it’s serious and you want so badly to be only happy but also feel that tinge of jealousy building up as you try not to jump ahead, try not to assume the friendship will change. And truly I’m so happy for them. I know they have had different pains, different hurts. Tears have fallen for lost love and infertility for desperately sick kids. We all have baggage and buried dreams and broken hearts. We are humans, living in a broken world where pain rules and only in heaven will there be no pain, will every tear be wiped from our eyes and we will know only rejoicing. Today I just feel so ready for heaven.

God is good ALL THE TIME and I rest in His best for my life. Regardless of any longing or desire or hope this side of heaven, His nearness is my good and I will rejoice and praise Him with genuine gratitude. I am so glad I got to have coffee with Laura, I’m so blessed to have her story to encourage me and spur me on, and I’m so touched to know she is praying for me and my future husband WHOEVER he may be and WHENEVER I may meet him. The Lord is faithful, I will trust wholly in Him.