FAR from perfect...

I was listening to a podcast earlier today (shocker, I know!) and a blogpost topic was mentioned that stirred me. The topic was “10 things I don’t want you to know” with the idea being that so often we put our best faces forward and hide the things we feel are shameful or hard or embarrassing or quirky, funny, etc. rather than just embracing who we are and letting the world into that space. It’s been a really interesting journey bearing my heart on the internet, being exposed and vulnerable. But I think it’s worth it. I think it instantly gives more story more value and gives it power beyond just me. So here I go. Here are 10 truths - some are funny, and some are deeper and have a little more weight to them.

1. I have really dirty hair most of the time. Not like kind of a little bit dirty…like REALLY dirty. Take today as an example - today my hair is up in a messy bun on the top of my head. It looks pretty cute actually. But it hasn’t been washed in 12 days. I go through dry shampoo WAY faster than regular shampoo and it’s a bit pathetic (and simultaneously super awesome) that I go so long between the lather, rinse, repeat.

2. I’m a sensitive soul. Always have been. I’m a feeler to the max and my heartbeat for other people is deep and strong. I live loud and bold with all my cards exposed, which means I also get wounded and have a tendency to cry a lot. Especially in my car. My car has seen more tears than you could ever know.

3. Sometimes I go shopping just to make myself feel better. It’s not something I’m proud of and it’s something I’ve worked hard on at different points in my life. Nevertheless, a new lipstick or nail polish (or anything Kate Spade) still does the trick. I do love wonderful places like TJMAXX where I can find treasures without spending a ton of money - and often end up buying things for other people instead of myself. Gifts are undoubtedly my love language and my mom has always said I’m going to be poor forever because I will always be more interested in giving my money away than keeping it for later.

4. I love television and sometimes I watch in obscene quantities. At some point my best adventuremate Gan gave me the title gold-medal television athlete. I have shows that record almost every night and although right now I am not caught up, it would not be beyond me to spend a Saturday under the covers or cuddled up beneath my World Changers quilt watching the day away. Literally. THE ENTIRE DAY.

5. I never want to be known as the headache girl, and yet that’s exactly who I am. I’ve battled major headaches since I was 19 - I was hit in the head with a ceiling support beam while serving with World Changers and it changed everything for me. I feel sick almost all the time and everything in me wants to hide that. I don’t want you to know that I throw up often or don’t sleep many nights because the pain keeps me awake. I don’t want you to know that I take copious amounts of medication to face normal life or that I literally HATE doctors and have intense waiting room anxiety. I don’t want you to think of headaches when you think of me or to think I’m brave or strong because I live life in spite of them. I want you to just see me. I want to be the funny girl or the girl who loves loud, and yet being the headache girl is a huge part of my story. It’s just a part I haven’t come to terms with telling.

6. I have amazing friends and yet I battle friendship insecurity. I have had friends walk away in various seasons of my life and that pain is crippling. I don’t know how to love halfway or with boundaries and protection. My heart is all the way in. Completely invested. So people can wreck me. I love with all of me knowing the potential to get hurt is always present and almost waiting for it to happen, waiting to be disappointed, heart-broken, and crushed. I feel like friendships are my responsibility and that if I don’t do the work, they’ll disappear and it will be my fault. And no matter how many times I try to convince myself I am loved, I think there is an underlying current, a lie, that makes me believe I am actually unlovable.

7. People shop my house to throw parties. There is an element of that statement that is totally awesome, and a small piece of hideously shameful. I have so much stuff. I’m not married yet, and I honestly have no idea what I will register for when that day comes. (That’s totally not true - I will get new dishes that aren’t chipped #roommates as well as new linens and a set of pots and pans that aren’t a big ol’ mess of this and that just as a start). I have a beautiful collection of cake plates and serving trays and other various pieces that I adore. The hideously shameful comes from the quantity and deep love for my possessions. I know I should not love stuff and that if something gets broken it really shouldn’t matter, but I have an unhealthy attachment to some of my dessert plates and cake plates, etc. I’m sentimental to the core so I remember who they came from and when and also just think they’re some of my very cutest things. If my house caught on fire, I’d be hard-pressed to decide what to grab!

8. I am a grow woman and I go to bed with my makeup on almost every night, it is definitely not beyond me to go buy new underwear to avoid doing laundry, and I have been known to wear leggings and a comfy dress on a Sunday - then to bed - and then again on a Monday. I like to think it doesn’t matter because they’re different groups of people and chances are no one will see me both days. It’s the ultimate lazy. My friend said to me just the other day, “Shell, you’re good at everything; well, except basic life stuff.”

9. My accessory collection is out of control and I’m not sure I’ll ever feel like I have “enough”. I am a firm believer that basic clothes can be dressed up with a cute scarf or the right necklace. Last summer there was one weekend when I was a bridesmaid in my friend Rebecca’s wedding, my best Carrie was in her brother’s wedding, my best Jenny and her sister Kacie were in their sister Kate’s wedding and my closie Shan was going to wedding in Pennsylvania and I single handedly provided the jewels for ALL OF US to wear. We all looked fabulous, but yes, it is THAT bad. I had bracelets and necklaces and earrings for all.

10. I am a people pleaser to the core of my being, I am a self-sacrificer and I have very little ability to say no. I am horrible at self-care and will always pick the needs of others over my own. Sometimes I am not sure I even see me. The Lord has brought me a long way in the this regard but I still have so much work and growing to do. It is an amazing gift to show up for other people and meet their needs in a unique way. But it needs to be a gift and not an obligation. It needs to be done in joy and not in desperation with an underlying current of fear of failure or disappointment. It’s ok to say no to good things in life to make space for GREAT things and it is ok to just need space sometimes too. I think that all feels so selfish to me but I am going to continue to seek Him and ask for help. He is faithful and I know He will sustain and provide for me even in my insufficiency.

So there you have it. I am far from perfect. I’m kind of a hot mess and have numerous areas of weakness. I have questionable life skills (even though I got an A in that class in high school) and need a lot of Jesus all the time as well as calming affirmation and reassurance that I am loved, beautiful, and seen. The Lord knows my heart and He adores me, and for that I am truly grateful. Even though I am kind of a heap, the truth is I am beautifully and wonderfully made for a perfect purpose that ONLY I can fulfill. So off I go to live my one wild and glorious adventure to the very best of my ability seeking Him fully and giving it my all. Are you with me?