Loneliness. I have come to realize it has absolutely nothing to do with being alone. I have lots of friends - amazing, wonderful, cherished friends who are all incredibly supportive and have seemingly endless words of inspiration and advice, encouragement, nuggets of truth and an abundance of hope. The problem is at this particular moment in time, I kind of just want to sit in the mess. I want to be allowed to wallow. To feel sad and disappointed and little bit hopeless. All of the feels are so suffocating that their words, though kind and well-intentioned, make the tears erupt and the floodgates of my heart spill open. And to be frankly honest, I’m afraid to let it out. I’m afraid to start saying all that my heart contains because some of it is really ugly and some of it hurts too much to admit. Today I just want to crawl back in bed. Today I just want that one friend who is willing to crawl back in with me and not say a word, the one who will cry with me, or watch endless hours of Grey’s Anatomy season 2 (some of the best television of all time).
It makes me think of one of my all-time favorite quotes from Henri Nouwen, “When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
Tomorrow (maybe) I will try again - I will try to run into whatever the Lord has for me. I know that I will not stay stuck in this season, that even if answers to my prayers don't come quickly, I will not stay locked in despair. The Lord is so faithful and He will release my heart from this. I will not be content to remain a heaping pile of wreckage. I know that life is bigger and more and that He has a great plan for me. As my dad reminded me the other day, God is still on His plan A for my life even if it is my plan B or plan C. But today, JUST TODAY, I want to crawl back under the covers and let the rain fall. Tomorrow - one of you wonderful, amazing friends can buy me some of those plastic galoshes and we can go puddle jumping together.
No comments:
Post a Comment