holy ground...

Every once in a while I stand in worship on a Sunday morning and I am literally transported to a holy moment somewhere else. It is as if I am living in a different experience entirely, I am surrounded by people praising His name, and somehow I am not there at all - He has invited me to join Him to rejoice in a space of worship that has been savored within my heart and will forever residence there - a space I can enter into and join with all the angels to praise Him once again. It is overwhelmingly good and unexplainable outside of Jesus. 

It happened just last week. It was an ordinary Sunday at EvFree and we were singing “What a beautiful name it is, the name of Jesus…” As I closed my eyes, the female voice changed to Yayel, one of our translators while in Africa and I could see the Rwandan hillside in the distance - lights dancing - small fires illuminating the night sky. I could almost feel the hands of my teammates in mine as we stood outside the World Relief Guesthouse in a circle, worshipping together in one voice - one heart. It was Friday evening and we had closed the week at camp only hours before. Our hearts were heavy with grief and yet full of rejoicing at the overwhelmingly good work that our faithful Father had allowed us to see and be part of…the names of our beloved campers lingered close…we knew another goodbye was coming. The translators who were now also part of our team would soon be hugging us tight and then walking away from the house so we were taking this time to worship together before a final prayer would close the night and our time together. Our voices resounded in praise and filled the sky, it was one of the most beautiful worship experiences I have ever known. I stood at EvFree and tears poured down my face - I was overwhelmed with gratitude that He would take me back there…as I stood in that circle once more, I could see all their faces and hear their voices. I breathed in Rwanda and whispered thank you in my heart as the words “What a powerful name it is, the name of Jesus” continued from my mouth. Then in a flash, I was in the dining hall at camp and for the briefest moment I watched William dance and felt a surge of pride then felt him nuzzled in close against me as I held him tight for a hug, his hair rubbed against my chin. I stood in the room where we led all the lessons and I spun in a circle to see all the children once more. I couldn’t contain the total joy. At the back of that room the very first night of camp, my team and the translators started it all by holding hands and singing worship together and tears poured faster and harder as the room emptied and the words “it is well” came to the surface my memory. Then I was back at EvFree, standing next to Mere, radiant, full, and whole. I was listening to an unfamiliar voice sing and somehow knowing I had just met with Christ in the safest and most intimate of places - prepared just for me - as a reminder that He knows the very depths of my soul and will always cover me there. 

I have met with Him in that space many times - I have stood to sing wearing a Red Robe, feet covered in snow, the gorgeous melody in Hebrew, while standing at the end of the train tracks at Auschwitz-Birkenau… I have gone back to Camp Caribe in Puerto Rico to watch the waves crash against the beach as my World Changers team worshipped amidst the mosquitos and waving palm trees… I have returned to tremble on the stage in a church in the 9th Ward of New Orleans, incredibly weak and sick, singing “I surrender all” looking to my left and right at boarded up windows as the stained glass had all been shattered in the crashing waves of Hurricane Katrina… I have marveled at repeated sunsets over Parliament while singing in an outdoor amphitheater in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada… most often I find myself returning to a candlelit sanctuary in Port St. Lucie, Florida, a cross leaning against the stage, the acoustic guitar as the only background to “Jesus Paid it All” pouring from the lips of hundreds of teenagers who had fully committed and determined that being servants of their King was far greater than anything else. 

The moments are all sacred, all holy ground, all face to face with my Savior, all reserved for becoming more radiant as I take in a glimpse of His glorious sacrifice and love for me. What a beautiful name it is - the name of Jesus. 

the beginning of #theshollyshow

Several weeks back I received some mail from EvFree Fullerton. I opened the envelope to find a letter detailing a request to come learn more about being a mentor to a High School Core Group leader. It stressed that they had prayed over every individual receiving the letter and were seeking each of us out specifically. I paused. You see - since I returned from Africa I have battled hard against feelings of inadequacy. I gave everything I had to leading my team both in preparation and ultimately in ministry throughout Rwanda. And while I can confidently say I led well from an administrative and organizational standpoint, and even feel like Camp was a tremendous success and our team served wholeheartedly giving Him all the glory, I came home questioning whether or not my team actually liked me. I can hear the ridiculous in that statement - but my heart has waged war there. The vast majority of my team is significantly younger than me and Satan found a foothold and a playground in my desire to have their approval and continued friendship upon our re-entry at home.

When the request came to mentor a Core Group Leader - it played right into that space. I instantly questioned my validity and wondered if I could relate to someone in that group - with that level of spiritual maturity and the cool factor to be adored by high school students. I hesitated. I went before the throne in obedience, but also found myself wrestling with the idea that it could be just awful and knew the battle of rejection that seemed to plague me from every direction could be intensified if He asked me to say yes.

The info meeting was literally a room of white-haired folks. Let’s just say I am not THAT…yet. I wondered yet again if this was something I was supposed to be doing but prayed throughout the next few days and ultimately felt the nudge to an uncomfortable yes. While I may not be miles ahead in the journey, God has allowed people to walk alongside me throughout the seasons of life and it has been hugely impactful and such a blessing. So here was my chance to pray with someone, encourage someone, share His words with someone - all He was asking was for faithfulness and pointing back to truth. YES, it could be miserable, but we would be growing even in the hard. Obedience by faith. 

The following Sunday, we went for a little training alongside all the other mentors who had officially said YES and then they told us who we would be partnered with for coffee and heart-talk for the upcoming year (which could either be quite brief or an unbearably long period of time). It was a TOUGH morning for me including a killer headache. I went a bit heavy-hearted and dreary. But oh how He loves to sing over us and prove time and time again that He has a purpose beyond what we see. They began to read through the list of pairings and said “Shelly you’re with Holly” and I squealed audibly. Holly and I had met years before because she was roommates with one of my dear friends Torrey Allen (she is literally the best…you wish you knew her!). Through Torrey, I began pursuing Holly a smidge - she has a beautiful heart for the Lord and cares deeply for the marginalized and vulnerable. We met for coffee several years ago because she was considering going to camp with us as a counselor. It was one of the best coffee dates ever - we laughed and talked so easily for hours and left the meeting thinking we should meet up again! Life happens and though we have only passed in the hallways occasionally - she definitely isn’t a stranger and is a tender and sweet soul. There was no question the Lord was waving His banner of love over me and reminding me - YOU ARE WANTED. YOU CAN CONNECT. SHHHHhhhh sweet girl - let Me love you - all you need to do is walk toward Me. A few days later I got a text from Holly that read, “SHELLY!!!” and she shared that she had been a bit anxious about the entire experience and God had also heard her cries. We had our first meet up on Sunday morning and needless to say, it was an absolute delight. I do not know what the Lord has - but I already hear Him singing sweetly and am thanking him in advance for what I truly believe He has planned and prepared for us to ENJOY in the richness of His presence together. What a beautiful gift to serve a God that loves us well even in the midst of our lacking!

So it begins…#theshollyshow

SELF...

It is time for some cold, hard truth-telling. So listen up and listen clear. YOU ARE WANTED. My goodness. This wrestle you can’t seem to knock down and drag out - it isn’t real. The Bible is so clear that “our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12. It is time to armor up and defeat the evil one. You know that if God is at work, Satan is prowling - so strand strong and be of great courage. Take heart, have hope. GREAT THINGS ARE COMING. You love well and you are beloved - by the King and by so many others. You are seen and celebrated for who you are and who you are becoming. Keep drawing near to Christ. Keep chasing Jesus - He alone is enough and you don’t have to BE anything other than exactly who you are. You don’t have to hear words of affirmation from others but my goodness you DO hear them - so listen to them when they come, receive them, be grateful for them, and allow them to bless you. Stop looking for the acknowledgement of man and know to your core that God’s approval alone is all you should seek and the only thing that will fulfill you. You know who you are - now go out there and be bright and bold for His glory. 

It is Well...

On Sunday evening I had the opportunity to sit across from my very first friend from college (C-B-WHAT, C-B-WHAT, C-B-U! C-B-U!!) Lisa Laird. She lives in Phoenix and we don’t get to see each other often - she is a mama to three and that is beyond a full-time job. Nevertheless, when the opportunity arises, aka. the annual trip to Disneyland comes around - we make the space every single time. We met in Downtown Disney at the Jazz Kitchen for Irish Coffee and beignets. 

>> Quick diversion - Lisa bought me my very first drink. It wasn’t my birthday, or a special occasion of any kind actually. I was over 21 because I am THAT kind of girl and as I think it was just a random night when she was visiting CBU after she had already graduated. It wasn’t the least bit glamorous - I am pretty sure we stopped at the 7-11 near campus and we were all freaked out someone would see us - and by we I probably just mean I was freaked out - Lis wouldn’t have gotten in trouble at all - she wasn’t even a student. I am a rule follower THROUGH AND THROUGH, so to the core I’m sure this was difficult for me. I couldn’t tell you what I drank that night but probably a Smirnoff ice or something else entirely ridiculous, I probably kept it in the brown bag the ENTIRE TIME, and I bet I felt like a TOTAL rebel, and absolutely LOVED it! >> 

As Lisa and I sat across that table and talked, gratitude rushed in. Lisa was literally the first person I met at CBU. We lived on 1C and I had arrived early for CHOIR CAMP (aka hell week for choir nerds) and Lis was there early because her older sister was focus leader (in charge of orientation) and needed to arrive in advance of all the newbies. God could have placed anyone in my path that first day - but He chose Lisa. We were dear friends throughout our college days - I watched her date and ultimately dump her first college boyfriend (drama), hung out in her apartment while I was still living it up in dorm land, watched her graduate, move back to Phoenix, and ultimately marry Mike. All these years later, I am still unspeakably thankful for His divine provision. Lisa’s heartbeat is for Christ and her desire is to honor and serve Him wholeheartedly. 

The beauty of a friendship years deep is you can usually pick right up where we left off, never skipping a beat. Lisa is undoubtedly in a busy and overwhelming season - she has a full plate with all those babies looking to her to meet literally all their needs. I think our time together was a bit of a pause for her - but I sensed the rest she needed was much greater - she needed Him to allow her to be still. As our conversation continued, she began expressing that very thing. She yearned to hunger for Him, but was so weary and exhausted that she didn’t even know how to find the space to seek after Him. She found herself opening the Word only to read the same verse over and over because nothing would sink in within what seemed only seconds available before a child woke up or needed to be picked up from school or just wanted mama. I found my heart softening. In His abundant mercy, the Lord has allowed me to walk this road in a unique way because I have a lot of mommy friends and I have been learning much about striving after God myself. I began to share from my journey. 

What if this season is about resting with God versus performing for Him? What if in an approval based society, we feel as though He is looking for us to read His word or underline truths and write in the columns of our Bibles; but really, He wants you to turn on a worship song in your house and paint your nails? What if He wants you to go on a walk with your kids and point out the flowers He created and just breathe in the beauty of His majesty all around you. What if He wants you to have a cup of coffee and cry - just come before Him and let it out in honesty? Maybe this season is about sitting WITH God versus proving yourself TO Him? 

I watched the tears well up in her eyes. As a perfectionist and deep seeker of approval myself, these have NOT been easy things for me to wrap my brain around, but I am trying to listen to the truth that our good and faithful Father created us beautifully and perfectly in His image and there is not ONE THING we need to DO to EARN His approval. I am familiar with the art of striving, and the weight that comes along with it. I continued to share. 

I think sometimes we really need to hear that He is proud of us exactly where we are RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT. We don’t need to do one thing. You are His beloved - His beautiful daughter and He doesn’t look on you with disappointment or expectation. He merely HOPES that You will actually choose to draw close, to approach the throne and know His arms are open wide, ready to receive you. There is no anger and there should be no fear. His grace is sufficient for our weakness, for our season of inability, for our lacking. He is enough, we don’t have to do anything but BE. 

I looked at my beautiful friend, so obviously exhausted from real life, and said “dearest Lis, It is Well.” 

We had been at that table for over four hours - the restaurant had long closed and virtually everyone had departed, but we still took a moment to cry together. It was profound and beautiful, a reminder that God orchestrates friendships. Some may last for only a season, while others are designed to be deep and significant for much longer. This space in my life - of somewhat alone and so very different than what I imagined - of walking in a reality that looks unlike that of those I love most has been hard. But let me tell you, it has allowed me to draw near to my King and to learn so much about His desire for us to abide with Him, in Him. And in that moment, in the midst of the chaos and hurry of Downtown Disney, the night grew still and the lights began to twinkle. I have absolutely no doubt that our Heavenly Father was REJOICING over us as He heard his sweet girls talking about Him, learning new ways to draw near, and perhaps finding hope once more. 

pain...and becoming...

Last night I sat across the table from one of my dearest friends J for the first time since returning from Africa. She looked at me eagerly and exclaimed, “So, are you going to tell me about William?”. I didn’t expect it to hit me like it did - but it meant more to me than she can ever know. Today is William day - the 13th of every month is. It’s the day we were gloriously reunited and then said our final goodbye. It’s the day I will hold dear as an answered prayer I wasn’t even really praying - but exceeded every expectation and reminded me that our good and faithful Father has hopes for us that make our hearts soar and are wildly better than the ones we dare to speak. Jenny was stepping INTO that excitement - and holding that hope with me - even months later, she is still running alongside. That kind of friendship is a gift that cannot be overstated.

Jenny has spoken a lot of truth over me through the years. J and I have been friends for a decade - we started laughing through life when I was only 22. We used to meet at Panera and allowed ourselves approximately 30 minutes of chatter before forced focus. We had notecards to create and books to read - so so many pages of books to read. We were intent on all things studying because we were both working on Masters degrees. Life looks a little different now and involves more television and movies and restaurants with food and wine or couches and yoga pants! Cheers. We have laughed many times over how she has seen me at my worst. She literally had to wipe for me once - but that is a story that will never make the blog (no alcohol involved folks). Last night she sat across the table and I watched tears brew in HER eyes (which admittedly I have not seen many times) as she talked about how far I have come in the last few years. 

While I was in Rwanda, my teammate and friend Jacob gave me a compliment that was rich and has stayed with me and I chose to share it with J. She has always been one of the safest places in my life. Jacob said something along the lines of - “Shell, it is incredible that I can catch you in pain from across the room and you choose to dab back or make a ridiculous face at me. But later you still let me come hug you.” The truth is, for many years, I didn’t let anyone into that space. I was so afraid of being defined as the headache girl that I hid the reality of how awful I felt from everyone. J was actually one of very few people who knew the truth of many agonizing days and was allowed to see the most painful moments. After I shared Jacob’s words, J confirmed - “Shell, I think he said something that is really true of you in the world now.” I would have never chosen a road riddled with pain every single day - but they are right - I don’t hide it any more. I have allowed people to see me in the midst of it. Laughing through it, standing strong and living fully despite it, giving my all to loving deeper and giving more regardless. It doesn’t define me, but it is undoubtedly part of my story. Perhaps a part I wouldn’t have chosen, but part I am learning more and more to be grateful for as I see how God has used it to mold and shape my heart towards His and how to love more like He does. 

At the close of our conversation about Rwanda, a few thoughts just kind of burst out - they are words I had never said before, but I needed to write them down, and I need to remember them. There is no doubt God called me to Rwanda. I knew that from the beginning. I did not know He had a William in store for me. And one of the most beautiful realities about William is that I did absolutely NOTHING to be loved by him. I didn’t say any perfect words - I couldn’t even speak his language. William simply loved me for me. He picked me out of the team of Americans. He held my hand. Rwanda was really hard, but exceptionally and extraordinarily and beautifully hard. It is kind of inexplicable. William taught me that I am lovable in a way I didn’t know before - and that I can love in a way I haven’t ever before. I can do really hard things - despite pain - in the midst of pain - even with people watching my pain - and I can be CHOSEN right there in the center of it just exactly as I am.  

Thank you Jesus, how can I ask for more. 

just for me...

Have you ever stood still in a moment you felt God orchestrated just for you? 

Last night, I went for a walk / run. I say walk first because there was significantly more walking than running; but because there was SOME running, leaving it out entirely feels like I am choosing not to give credit to the very hardest part of my “exercise” regimen! And yes, exercise always deserves quotation marks when I am involved. I can hear my friend J right now muttering something about how I have probably only worn those tennis shoes once before - and in this particular case she would be wrong - but historically she has been right. I probably did buy those sporty kicks for a bachelorette camping trip that got cancelled and replaced with a beach extravaganza - but that’s another story for another day - Shalina was happy in the long run, but those shoes never did get their moment of glory. They were purchased at Nordy’s Rack by the WRONG GIRL. Anyway, I digress. I went for a walk / run and while I typically choose to listen to a podcast, last night I put on some Christy Nockels Christmas. It doesn’t have to make sense to you - but my goodness that is some BEAUTIFUL music and since I got home from Africa there are only a few things that speak to my heart like “The Thrill of Hope”. There is this delightful little path near my house that I can run TO and then walk along and last night that is precisely what I did. Typically the path is crowded with people - and if I’m honest, there is a little shame in my game. They all zoom past me dressed just right, rocking their thigh-gap from years of that running-life. I, in stark contrast, am sporting my hot-pink monogrammed t-shirt thanks to Carrielove and Cheryl while walking…with a little pep in my step, but it’s not exactly the definition of vigor. Last night the path was virtually empty (perhaps due to the poor air quality from the fires blazing in Orange County and all those choosing to protect their lungs, but I knew I needed to commune with Jesus on that path, so out I went) and it was amazingly freeing - it was truly worship. I watched the sun setting against the beauty of trees swaying in the evening breeze and I actually CHOSE to run. As my feet pounded against the asphalt, tears welled up in my eyes. I came up to the round-about where the path loops back around and pulled out one of my earbuds. I could hear the birds chirping and watched as a squirrel ran right in front of me. The ocean spanned the distance before me as the music gently echoed “O Come Let Us Adore Him… We’ll Praise Your Name Forever…For You Alone Are Worthy, Christ the Lord.” I had to stop. Right there. I looked up to the heavens with my arms raised and I turned around. I was entirely alone - with Jesus - in the midst of a moment it felt He had divinely orchestrated just for me. We were together in the midst of all of nature dancing around us. I felt wrapped up and enchanted by my King. The words seemed to leap off my lips “all for me - just for me?!” It was awe-striking and breath-taking and life-giving. I’m pretty sure I walk / ran the second half of the path faster than the first (though I didn’t all of the sudden become a runner, let’s be real folks, these thighs STILL rub together - it wasn’t THAT kind of a miracle) and the song is still lingering in my heart - I will adore You - and praise Your name - for You are worthy! 

william...

i met you on monday, august 7. 2017 and i will never forget you. for the rest of my life, it will be my great honor and privilege to carry you in my heart and to daily lift you up to the King. you looked at me like no one ever has before, focused and fixed. you taught me to love deeper and more radically and i am so very grateful. 

that first night of camp when we were learning to dance - AFRICAN STYLE - your eyes locked on mine and you came and grabbed my hand, you led me onto the “dance floor” and you showed me your moves - you have rhythm like no one else. we laughed together as i attempted to copy your style and join in your triumphant praise. later that evening i showed you how the white girl can groove and you laughed at me. it was the most joyful beginning to a story i had no idea we were writing. in my journal i penned the words, “bring on so much more william.” 

throughout the week i could always find you smiling - captivating and full of radiance. everyone on my team was taken with you. i can look through pictures of our time in Rwanda and almost everyone has at least one picture with you. often times i would find your hand sneaking it’s way into mine as we walked to meals or be searching around for my backpack after serving all the children their lunch or dinner only to see it sitting on the chair next to you…you were reserving a place for me to sit beside you. we didn’t say many words to each other, but the exchange was profound and meaningful. 

thursday night was the birthday party and when it was your turn in the Photo Booth you wanted a picture with me. you could have picked anyone - you picked me - you chose me - you love me. friday as we handed out pictures in our small groups you sent a translator to ask for my picture. i laughed so hard that you didn’t want alisha and jacob - even though you love them too! you made me a green beaded bracelet on a rubber band that is now carefully stored in my jewelry box alongside my most valuable possessions. you slid it on my wrist and it felt like a treasure of insurmountable worth. i would have a piece of you to take home with me. 

saying goodbye to you after lunch that last day of camp was brutal - i knew it was coming and yet nothing could make watching you walk away any easier. we hugged for way too long and i rubbed the top of your head. there is something about the way you fit in my arms and the feeling of your hair against my chin as you nuzzle in. i did my best not to fall apart. i said ndagakunda “iloveyou” in kinyarwanda and then waved as you walked through the gates. i kept waving and watching you go. my heart had never been so full; my arms had never been so empty. 

saturday my team sat around the dinner table and i talked about you. i talked about what i would give to hold you just one more time. to feel you breathe on me and just rub your sweet head. to hold your cheeks in my hands and look deeply into your eyes. to pray over you. to say all the things i had in my heart. there was an emptiness i didn’t expect to know - i came anticipating facilitating ministry for THEM and yet God was so gracious and allowed me to experience the FULLNESS of His love through you. my william. we prayed together at the table that night for the campers that filled our heart and also left us a little bit broken and wrecked - for the glorious gift it would be to carry you all the days of our lives - and the longing for heaven that had just became real to us in entirely new ways. we all cried together, and missing you began to settle in.

sunday we went to church in the village - i looked at the faces of many other children and asked Bob about adopting you. you had my whole heart. i asked with a hint of laughter in my voice, but every ounce of me was serious - if he would have said we can start the paperwork today, i’m fairly certain i would be coming back to get you soon. but he said Rwanda is your home, your culture, the life you know, and the best place for you. i think i knew that already and knew we had said goodbye…i was just holding onto hope - i needed that. half of the team went to Pastor Joseph’s church that morning and the rest of us went to a church nearby. they kept saying we had to be somewhere at noon and i was so confused - our only plans for the afternoon were lunch…but at noon we loaded into the Jeep. as we approached Pastor Joseph’s church to pickup the other half of the team, we saw so many children in brightly colored shirts, but my eyes were fixed on one little boy wearing green running toward me - YOU. oh william. i will never forget the feeling that came over me as i desperately tried to get out of that car to hug you. tears streamed down both of our faces as you ran into my arms. it was one of the most beautiful and amazing moments of my life thus far. i didn’t have very long with you that day - it was probably only 10-minutes in total, but they were God-breathed. we sang God is so good “Imana ni nziza” together and i prayed over you. you wiped my tears. i held your sweet face in my hands and told you God has GREAT and MIGHTY plans for you and to live with UNENDING HOPE. i told you i would never stop praying for you and i would carry you all the days of my life. you gave me your phone number on a folded up piece of paper and we took pictures that i will cherish for a lifetime. and then, once again we said goodbye. 

one month ago today we said our first hello. and my william, i still carry you.

I just didn't know...

There are so many things I didn’t know when I left for Rwanda. I didn’t know the view of hills absolutely covered with homes would look so awe-strikingly beautiful, that the scent of burning trash would quickly become familiar and even welcoming, that driving on dusty roads where traffic goes every which direction would feel adventurous and I would even be totally at peace in the hands of our fully capable drivers navigating even the most treacherous holes and giving us reason to cheer. I didn’t know I would be so warmly welcomed by everyone, that their joy that would be so vibrant and rich - on display for me to see - and ultimately find bubbling up from within the deepest recesses of my heart. I didn’t know that watching them sing and dance in worship would make me smile until my cheeks ached - that perhaps rejoicing actually does make your feet begin to move and you almost can’t help but clap as you join in their symphony with the total outpouring of your soul to Jesus. I didn’t know my heart would be broken, but through those tears He would rebuild and restore desperate pieces of me and begin painting new pictures of wholeness I hadn’t known before. I didn’t know a picture frame with my team in white sunglasses would be such a significant gift to the children at camp - that their faces would literally light up and they would SHOUT with excitement upon receiving them! I didn’t know a simple balloon game could fill a room with so much laughter or that we could have played it 100 times and it would have been just as good on that final round! I didn’t know throwing them a birthday party including cupcakes and sunglasses of their very own would bring me to tears because the celebration was just so sweet. I didn’t know I would be asked to pray a blessing over our 100 campers, nor did I know the honor and privilege that moment held as I looked around that circle of children, holding hands, a most beautiful sight to behold and Scripture just seemed fitting. “The Lord bless you and keep you and make His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you. The Lord lift up the light of His countenance upon you and give you His peace. Amen”. I didn’t know I would be completely overcome by the special needs orphanage - I knew it would be hard - but I didn’t realize the sparkle that would be present in the eyes of those children with just the tiniest bit of interaction. That pushing a soccer ball around in front of sweet Jason who was wheelchair bound would make him come alive or that dancing in the sunlight while singing “and I’m so happy, so very happy, I’ve got the love of Jesus in my heart” would make Monica wiggle and giggle with what I can only describe as glee. I didn’t know leaving them behind in that orphanage would feel so hallowing - that no amount of supplies left to help with their care would ever make up for the fact that the children themselves couldn’t come with us. I didn’t know we would have the chance to visit the pediatric ward of the hospital in Kigali - that it would quicken the heartbeat of my dear teammate Alisha who is a nurse - and then promptly crush her as she realized how much need truly exists within those walls and curtains. I didn’t know I would see children in an intensive care unit and hand them tootsie rolls, a meager offering as they endured  pain and suffering far beyond my comprehension - and yet even still, that candy seemed a far greater gift than I could have known. I didn’t know I would legitimately ask about adopting a little boy, perhaps with a smidge of laughter in my tone, but a lot of serious in my heart - that in only a matter of days, everything would look and feel so very different. I didn’t know I would leave Rwanda with new definitions for gratitude and fullness and love. That I would come home and constantly check the time in Rwanda - because somehow my heart really would beat in two places. I just didn’t know…

notes from Camp...

Camp brought so much MORE than any of us expected. We doubled the number of children this year and invited 100 in total, it was worth it on absolutely every level, but it was MORE work, MORE exhaustion, MORE activities, MORE chaos, and MORE time to fill. It was also MORE joy, MORE enthusiasm, MORE leaning on Christ, MORE hearing their stories, MORE heartbreak, and MORE glory to God for great things He has done in expanding the Kingdom one child at a time! It was incredible! Beautiful and remarkable! I am still really at a loss for words to truly describe it. There is no way to truly take you there, but I will try...

The days at camp were long but as the end of the week approached it felt far too short. In years past, there has always been a lot of down time or hours during the day where Pastor Joseph who works with the churches in the Bugasera district to determine the children who are most vulnerable and invite them to camp, took responsibility for the children. This year, our team - including our six INCREDIBLE interpreters who truly became dear friends and our Rwandan family as they astounded us with their vibrant interactions and engagement in every single activity - had the kids from 7:30am when we served breakfast until just after 9:00pm when they were forced to go take showers and get in bed. 

>> DETOUR… breakfast was the same every single day - essentially two pieces of white bread and a hard boiled egg (I always got the smallest one thanks to my man Jacob!) and then when you got to your table you could add some salt and/or pepper (a whole lot of salt and pepper if you’re Schotty Schotborgh) at your own risk. The kids loosened the salt by blowing into the tops of the shakers with all their might, which is actually counterproductive as it gets the salt all wet with spit making it clump up and therefore harder to get out - but that’s pretty hard to explain when you speak English and they speak Kinyarwanda and the whole thing is actually super funny. One member of my team didn’t figure out the salt shaker happenings until Friday morning - our last day at camp…yikes bikes. AND WE ARE BACK >>

When the kids finally headed to bed, we met as a team to regroup on the day, ensure we were on track for the next day, and get the necessary supplies organized. That is also when we decided to spend at least an hour or so worshipping together with the translators (who can all sing and allowed us to join in their haunting harmonies to the beautiful name of Jesus - we relished every opportunity to praise Him together) or playing rousing games of UNO or SPOONS alongside consuming copious quantities of candy. I think we brought at least 15-lbs. of candy to share with our Rwandan family! I typically fell into bed somewhere between 2:00 and 3:00am knowing my roommate Erica’s alarm would sound at 5:30am - homegirl loved her the jerry can shower but THAT is an undertaking all in itself and we had to be in the hallway for our morning kick-off meeting and prayer no later than 7:05…or at least that was always the aim! Oh the memories that were made in that hallway or in our rooms late in the night - Emily falling asleep browsing through her pictures-finger firmly planted on the shutter button, dried apples and pears for days, questionably murky remnant water bottles we thought might contain some Miralax- hope no one drank those on accident, rubber bands flying through the air as we took apart 100 freshly made tie-dyed t-shirts so they could be taken to the sweet ladies in the village who would wash them the following morning-envisioning their thought processes as they saw these strange shirts that made absolutely no sense to them, scenes of neck-pillows and teammates adamantly claiming they were awake when we ALL knew the truth-I had woken them up with my rousing knocks on their doors just seconds before. We really had it all. Our team was virtually never lacking for laughter. God was gracious and so very faithful. 

I have never been more proud as a team leader than I was at camp. I loved watching joy emanate from my teammates - I loved watching them light up and ooze Jesus - it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever gotten to stand back and see. I only had seconds at a time to behold it - but it always overtook me. Each member of my team is so uniquely gifted and they poured their hearts into those kids throughout the days we had together. They shared their stories without holding back, choosing to be vulnerable, transparent, and honest - allowing the dynamic ways God has worked in their lives to be a powerful message communicating hope and the promise of a great future for each child standing before us. They chose to draw near knowing it would be short and heartbreaking in the end. They sang and danced and played ridiculous games and also found moments to steal away for intimate and tender conversations where tears were shed. I remember one particular meal where there was no translator at my table so communication with the kids was virtually impossible outside of muraho (which means hello) and a murakoze (thank you) and the occasional bon appetit (many of the kids spoke a smidge of french). We made faces at each other, smiled, and played some hand slapping games around the table - and then Gilbert came and sat down. He is one of the caretakers for the boys. He dove right into conversation in his rather exceptional though still limited English. He told me that prior to our arrival, he didn’t believe God cared about the African people, he felt they were abandoned and forgotten by the Creator. But since we had come, since the “white man” had shown such great love from the Father, he was now convinced that God did have love for his people. That our kindness and care would never be forgotten and would be a reminder that they are seen, and he would never been alone again. He must have said thank you over 40 times in our dinner that day. And THAT is how camp worked. You would go from laughter and pure silliness to gut-wrenching almost hallowing tears in an instant. Realizing over and over that God was working far beyond anything you could have ever imagined. Smiles can be tangibly felt at camp. Hearts are changed as you look deeply into the eyes of another and say almost nothing. God moves and breathes His love into spaces you can never truly grasp. Being there to witness it, to be part of it, to literally see His presence on display, it was an honor extraordinaire; it was a privilege I will forever count amongst the greatest of my entire life. 

beginning to tell the stories of Rwanda...

I have been home from Rwanda for almost five days and every ounce of me is longing to be back. I want to be walking the cobblestone roads and looking out at the endless sky filled with roofs covered by sheetmetal, mountains standing tall in the distance. The view of Rwanda is breathtaking if you just take it all in - but when you zoom in on the details, you begin to see the devastating poverty and desperate need - the broken glass that litters those streets and the dirty clothes that are hanging on the starving children standing before you. Jerry cans that announce water will have to be gathered from gutters and bicycles carry massive quantities of eggs and produce from the city to the villages. There is so much strength readily on display, though I would guess they don’t see that - this is ordinary life, this is survival. 

I expected Rwanda to wreck me - but I had no idea it would fill me to the fullness of His joy and leave my heart EXPLODING with gladness. I have had a difficult time finding words to express how deeply moved and forever changed I am because of all I have seen and experienced in Rwanda. I knew leading the team was a calling - I knew He chose me and I was walking in obedience by faith in saying yes; but I didn’t have any idea of all He truly had in store for me upon arriving to love the least of these in Africa. My heartbeat will never be the same. 

I want to share all the stories, I could spend hours recounting the incredible and amazing of His work in the land of a thousand hills. So perhaps over the next few days or weeks I will share a little at a time. I hope you’ll journey wth me - perhaps you’ll be changed as you learn of all God did in and through my team.

Today I’ll take you back to the very beginning of camp… 

We arrived around 4:00pm and the children were already there. We saw a few of their faces peeking around corners, but they were taking showers and freshening up as many had traveled long distances, some walking several hours to get to camp. We found our rooms and began unloading supplies and then got the alert that they were ready for us. I was entirely unprepared for how quickly I would be impacted and struck by the 100 beautiful faces we would soon call our friends. We walked into the room where we would share all our meals together and they were lined up in four rows looking at us with eager anticipation. I was in tears instantly. So many of them had familiar faces as we had seen their pictures prior to our arrival. We were asked to introduce ourselves and then one by one each camper stood up and told us his or her name and their favorite food - most said chips (which are french fries) and a few said rice or beans or meat. There is no designation of type of meat in Africa - it’s all just meat. We became aware of how spoiled we are and how much abundance we live in quite quickly that day. 

We served the children dinner - an African buffet with rice, spaghetti, bananas, chips, beans, some sort of white potato / yam / really interesting looking root vegetable, some green leaves that had been seriously cooked down, saucey that covered everything on the plate and then the meat. The final stop at the table was a huge plate of onions, some fruit, and THEN the fiesta - the largest variety of Fanta you’ve ever seen in your life - the treat of all treats for our kids. We served all the children heaping plates of food - more food than I could have ever eaten in a single sitting - and they devoured every scrap. They raised their eyebrows to say yes to wanting something and shook their finger with fury and said “oh-yeah” for no. Those lifted brows will forever be one of my favorite things about our kids. You can say a lot without uttering a word. 

After dinner it was time for “African singing and dancing” - a sound I pray I can always hear in my heart - it is the beat of pure joy - a kind of worship I had never known before, but will absolutely NEVER forget. With gusto and fervor, the children sang out and ultimately erupted into dancing. One by one they extended their little hands towards us, asking us to join in and we were swallowed up into their circle. We began to attempt to stomp and follow along as we worshipped in one accord. I watched as huge smiles spread across the faces of each member of my team - there was no doubt we were tasting heaven - we learned in new ways that THIS is what rejoicing together looks like - THIS is the fullness of His presence and we were relishing every second.

Far too soon it was time for bed but our hearts were already growing - we were already learning to love more than we thought possible and camp didn’t even OFFICIALLY begin until the next morning. We still really had NO IDEA of all God had in store, but He was stirring, and we were now ready to run with endurance the race marked out for us. In only moments, those kids were inscribed on our hearts and we had been forever changed. With only a glimmer behind and so much lying ahead, God had captured me and written Rwanda into the very fiber of my being. Nothing would ever be quite the same…