william...

i met you on monday, august 7. 2017 and i will never forget you. for the rest of my life, it will be my great honor and privilege to carry you in my heart and to daily lift you up to the King. you looked at me like no one ever has before, focused and fixed. you taught me to love deeper and more radically and i am so very grateful. 

that first night of camp when we were learning to dance - AFRICAN STYLE - your eyes locked on mine and you came and grabbed my hand, you led me onto the “dance floor” and you showed me your moves - you have rhythm like no one else. we laughed together as i attempted to copy your style and join in your triumphant praise. later that evening i showed you how the white girl can groove and you laughed at me. it was the most joyful beginning to a story i had no idea we were writing. in my journal i penned the words, “bring on so much more william.” 

throughout the week i could always find you smiling - captivating and full of radiance. everyone on my team was taken with you. i can look through pictures of our time in Rwanda and almost everyone has at least one picture with you. often times i would find your hand sneaking it’s way into mine as we walked to meals or be searching around for my backpack after serving all the children their lunch or dinner only to see it sitting on the chair next to you…you were reserving a place for me to sit beside you. we didn’t say many words to each other, but the exchange was profound and meaningful. 

thursday night was the birthday party and when it was your turn in the Photo Booth you wanted a picture with me. you could have picked anyone - you picked me - you chose me - you love me. friday as we handed out pictures in our small groups you sent a translator to ask for my picture. i laughed so hard that you didn’t want alisha and jacob - even though you love them too! you made me a green beaded bracelet on a rubber band that is now carefully stored in my jewelry box alongside my most valuable possessions. you slid it on my wrist and it felt like a treasure of insurmountable worth. i would have a piece of you to take home with me. 

saying goodbye to you after lunch that last day of camp was brutal - i knew it was coming and yet nothing could make watching you walk away any easier. we hugged for way too long and i rubbed the top of your head. there is something about the way you fit in my arms and the feeling of your hair against my chin as you nuzzle in. i did my best not to fall apart. i said ndagakunda “iloveyou” in kinyarwanda and then waved as you walked through the gates. i kept waving and watching you go. my heart had never been so full; my arms had never been so empty. 

saturday my team sat around the dinner table and i talked about you. i talked about what i would give to hold you just one more time. to feel you breathe on me and just rub your sweet head. to hold your cheeks in my hands and look deeply into your eyes. to pray over you. to say all the things i had in my heart. there was an emptiness i didn’t expect to know - i came anticipating facilitating ministry for THEM and yet God was so gracious and allowed me to experience the FULLNESS of His love through you. my william. we prayed together at the table that night for the campers that filled our heart and also left us a little bit broken and wrecked - for the glorious gift it would be to carry you all the days of our lives - and the longing for heaven that had just became real to us in entirely new ways. we all cried together, and missing you began to settle in.

sunday we went to church in the village - i looked at the faces of many other children and asked Bob about adopting you. you had my whole heart. i asked with a hint of laughter in my voice, but every ounce of me was serious - if he would have said we can start the paperwork today, i’m fairly certain i would be coming back to get you soon. but he said Rwanda is your home, your culture, the life you know, and the best place for you. i think i knew that already and knew we had said goodbye…i was just holding onto hope - i needed that. half of the team went to Pastor Joseph’s church that morning and the rest of us went to a church nearby. they kept saying we had to be somewhere at noon and i was so confused - our only plans for the afternoon were lunch…but at noon we loaded into the Jeep. as we approached Pastor Joseph’s church to pickup the other half of the team, we saw so many children in brightly colored shirts, but my eyes were fixed on one little boy wearing green running toward me - YOU. oh william. i will never forget the feeling that came over me as i desperately tried to get out of that car to hug you. tears streamed down both of our faces as you ran into my arms. it was one of the most beautiful and amazing moments of my life thus far. i didn’t have very long with you that day - it was probably only 10-minutes in total, but they were God-breathed. we sang God is so good “Imana ni nziza” together and i prayed over you. you wiped my tears. i held your sweet face in my hands and told you God has GREAT and MIGHTY plans for you and to live with UNENDING HOPE. i told you i would never stop praying for you and i would carry you all the days of my life. you gave me your phone number on a folded up piece of paper and we took pictures that i will cherish for a lifetime. and then, once again we said goodbye. 

one month ago today we said our first hello. and my william, i still carry you.