I just didn't know...

There are so many things I didn’t know when I left for Rwanda. I didn’t know the view of hills absolutely covered with homes would look so awe-strikingly beautiful, that the scent of burning trash would quickly become familiar and even welcoming, that driving on dusty roads where traffic goes every which direction would feel adventurous and I would even be totally at peace in the hands of our fully capable drivers navigating even the most treacherous holes and giving us reason to cheer. I didn’t know I would be so warmly welcomed by everyone, that their joy that would be so vibrant and rich - on display for me to see - and ultimately find bubbling up from within the deepest recesses of my heart. I didn’t know that watching them sing and dance in worship would make me smile until my cheeks ached - that perhaps rejoicing actually does make your feet begin to move and you almost can’t help but clap as you join in their symphony with the total outpouring of your soul to Jesus. I didn’t know my heart would be broken, but through those tears He would rebuild and restore desperate pieces of me and begin painting new pictures of wholeness I hadn’t known before. I didn’t know a picture frame with my team in white sunglasses would be such a significant gift to the children at camp - that their faces would literally light up and they would SHOUT with excitement upon receiving them! I didn’t know a simple balloon game could fill a room with so much laughter or that we could have played it 100 times and it would have been just as good on that final round! I didn’t know throwing them a birthday party including cupcakes and sunglasses of their very own would bring me to tears because the celebration was just so sweet. I didn’t know I would be asked to pray a blessing over our 100 campers, nor did I know the honor and privilege that moment held as I looked around that circle of children, holding hands, a most beautiful sight to behold and Scripture just seemed fitting. “The Lord bless you and keep you and make His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you. The Lord lift up the light of His countenance upon you and give you His peace. Amen”. I didn’t know I would be completely overcome by the special needs orphanage - I knew it would be hard - but I didn’t realize the sparkle that would be present in the eyes of those children with just the tiniest bit of interaction. That pushing a soccer ball around in front of sweet Jason who was wheelchair bound would make him come alive or that dancing in the sunlight while singing “and I’m so happy, so very happy, I’ve got the love of Jesus in my heart” would make Monica wiggle and giggle with what I can only describe as glee. I didn’t know leaving them behind in that orphanage would feel so hallowing - that no amount of supplies left to help with their care would ever make up for the fact that the children themselves couldn’t come with us. I didn’t know we would have the chance to visit the pediatric ward of the hospital in Kigali - that it would quicken the heartbeat of my dear teammate Alisha who is a nurse - and then promptly crush her as she realized how much need truly exists within those walls and curtains. I didn’t know I would see children in an intensive care unit and hand them tootsie rolls, a meager offering as they endured  pain and suffering far beyond my comprehension - and yet even still, that candy seemed a far greater gift than I could have known. I didn’t know I would legitimately ask about adopting a little boy, perhaps with a smidge of laughter in my tone, but a lot of serious in my heart - that in only a matter of days, everything would look and feel so very different. I didn’t know I would leave Rwanda with new definitions for gratitude and fullness and love. That I would come home and constantly check the time in Rwanda - because somehow my heart really would beat in two places. I just didn’t know…