I just didn't know...

There are so many things I didn’t know when I left for Rwanda. I didn’t know the view of hills absolutely covered with homes would look so awe-strikingly beautiful, that the scent of burning trash would quickly become familiar and even welcoming, that driving on dusty roads where traffic goes every which direction would feel adventurous and I would even be totally at peace in the hands of our fully capable drivers navigating even the most treacherous holes and giving us reason to cheer. I didn’t know I would be so warmly welcomed by everyone, that their joy that would be so vibrant and rich - on display for me to see - and ultimately find bubbling up from within the deepest recesses of my heart. I didn’t know that watching them sing and dance in worship would make me smile until my cheeks ached - that perhaps rejoicing actually does make your feet begin to move and you almost can’t help but clap as you join in their symphony with the total outpouring of your soul to Jesus. I didn’t know my heart would be broken, but through those tears He would rebuild and restore desperate pieces of me and begin painting new pictures of wholeness I hadn’t known before. I didn’t know a picture frame with my team in white sunglasses would be such a significant gift to the children at camp - that their faces would literally light up and they would SHOUT with excitement upon receiving them! I didn’t know a simple balloon game could fill a room with so much laughter or that we could have played it 100 times and it would have been just as good on that final round! I didn’t know throwing them a birthday party including cupcakes and sunglasses of their very own would bring me to tears because the celebration was just so sweet. I didn’t know I would be asked to pray a blessing over our 100 campers, nor did I know the honor and privilege that moment held as I looked around that circle of children, holding hands, a most beautiful sight to behold and Scripture just seemed fitting. “The Lord bless you and keep you and make His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you. The Lord lift up the light of His countenance upon you and give you His peace. Amen”. I didn’t know I would be completely overcome by the special needs orphanage - I knew it would be hard - but I didn’t realize the sparkle that would be present in the eyes of those children with just the tiniest bit of interaction. That pushing a soccer ball around in front of sweet Jason who was wheelchair bound would make him come alive or that dancing in the sunlight while singing “and I’m so happy, so very happy, I’ve got the love of Jesus in my heart” would make Monica wiggle and giggle with what I can only describe as glee. I didn’t know leaving them behind in that orphanage would feel so hallowing - that no amount of supplies left to help with their care would ever make up for the fact that the children themselves couldn’t come with us. I didn’t know we would have the chance to visit the pediatric ward of the hospital in Kigali - that it would quicken the heartbeat of my dear teammate Alisha who is a nurse - and then promptly crush her as she realized how much need truly exists within those walls and curtains. I didn’t know I would see children in an intensive care unit and hand them tootsie rolls, a meager offering as they endured  pain and suffering far beyond my comprehension - and yet even still, that candy seemed a far greater gift than I could have known. I didn’t know I would legitimately ask about adopting a little boy, perhaps with a smidge of laughter in my tone, but a lot of serious in my heart - that in only a matter of days, everything would look and feel so very different. I didn’t know I would leave Rwanda with new definitions for gratitude and fullness and love. That I would come home and constantly check the time in Rwanda - because somehow my heart really would beat in two places. I just didn’t know…

notes from Camp...

Camp brought so much MORE than any of us expected. We doubled the number of children this year and invited 100 in total, it was worth it on absolutely every level, but it was MORE work, MORE exhaustion, MORE activities, MORE chaos, and MORE time to fill. It was also MORE joy, MORE enthusiasm, MORE leaning on Christ, MORE hearing their stories, MORE heartbreak, and MORE glory to God for great things He has done in expanding the Kingdom one child at a time! It was incredible! Beautiful and remarkable! I am still really at a loss for words to truly describe it. There is no way to truly take you there, but I will try...

The days at camp were long but as the end of the week approached it felt far too short. In years past, there has always been a lot of down time or hours during the day where Pastor Joseph who works with the churches in the Bugasera district to determine the children who are most vulnerable and invite them to camp, took responsibility for the children. This year, our team - including our six INCREDIBLE interpreters who truly became dear friends and our Rwandan family as they astounded us with their vibrant interactions and engagement in every single activity - had the kids from 7:30am when we served breakfast until just after 9:00pm when they were forced to go take showers and get in bed. 

>> DETOUR… breakfast was the same every single day - essentially two pieces of white bread and a hard boiled egg (I always got the smallest one thanks to my man Jacob!) and then when you got to your table you could add some salt and/or pepper (a whole lot of salt and pepper if you’re Schotty Schotborgh) at your own risk. The kids loosened the salt by blowing into the tops of the shakers with all their might, which is actually counterproductive as it gets the salt all wet with spit making it clump up and therefore harder to get out - but that’s pretty hard to explain when you speak English and they speak Kinyarwanda and the whole thing is actually super funny. One member of my team didn’t figure out the salt shaker happenings until Friday morning - our last day at camp…yikes bikes. AND WE ARE BACK >>

When the kids finally headed to bed, we met as a team to regroup on the day, ensure we were on track for the next day, and get the necessary supplies organized. That is also when we decided to spend at least an hour or so worshipping together with the translators (who can all sing and allowed us to join in their haunting harmonies to the beautiful name of Jesus - we relished every opportunity to praise Him together) or playing rousing games of UNO or SPOONS alongside consuming copious quantities of candy. I think we brought at least 15-lbs. of candy to share with our Rwandan family! I typically fell into bed somewhere between 2:00 and 3:00am knowing my roommate Erica’s alarm would sound at 5:30am - homegirl loved her the jerry can shower but THAT is an undertaking all in itself and we had to be in the hallway for our morning kick-off meeting and prayer no later than 7:05…or at least that was always the aim! Oh the memories that were made in that hallway or in our rooms late in the night - Emily falling asleep browsing through her pictures-finger firmly planted on the shutter button, dried apples and pears for days, questionably murky remnant water bottles we thought might contain some Miralax- hope no one drank those on accident, rubber bands flying through the air as we took apart 100 freshly made tie-dyed t-shirts so they could be taken to the sweet ladies in the village who would wash them the following morning-envisioning their thought processes as they saw these strange shirts that made absolutely no sense to them, scenes of neck-pillows and teammates adamantly claiming they were awake when we ALL knew the truth-I had woken them up with my rousing knocks on their doors just seconds before. We really had it all. Our team was virtually never lacking for laughter. God was gracious and so very faithful. 

I have never been more proud as a team leader than I was at camp. I loved watching joy emanate from my teammates - I loved watching them light up and ooze Jesus - it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever gotten to stand back and see. I only had seconds at a time to behold it - but it always overtook me. Each member of my team is so uniquely gifted and they poured their hearts into those kids throughout the days we had together. They shared their stories without holding back, choosing to be vulnerable, transparent, and honest - allowing the dynamic ways God has worked in their lives to be a powerful message communicating hope and the promise of a great future for each child standing before us. They chose to draw near knowing it would be short and heartbreaking in the end. They sang and danced and played ridiculous games and also found moments to steal away for intimate and tender conversations where tears were shed. I remember one particular meal where there was no translator at my table so communication with the kids was virtually impossible outside of muraho (which means hello) and a murakoze (thank you) and the occasional bon appetit (many of the kids spoke a smidge of french). We made faces at each other, smiled, and played some hand slapping games around the table - and then Gilbert came and sat down. He is one of the caretakers for the boys. He dove right into conversation in his rather exceptional though still limited English. He told me that prior to our arrival, he didn’t believe God cared about the African people, he felt they were abandoned and forgotten by the Creator. But since we had come, since the “white man” had shown such great love from the Father, he was now convinced that God did have love for his people. That our kindness and care would never be forgotten and would be a reminder that they are seen, and he would never been alone again. He must have said thank you over 40 times in our dinner that day. And THAT is how camp worked. You would go from laughter and pure silliness to gut-wrenching almost hallowing tears in an instant. Realizing over and over that God was working far beyond anything you could have ever imagined. Smiles can be tangibly felt at camp. Hearts are changed as you look deeply into the eyes of another and say almost nothing. God moves and breathes His love into spaces you can never truly grasp. Being there to witness it, to be part of it, to literally see His presence on display, it was an honor extraordinaire; it was a privilege I will forever count amongst the greatest of my entire life. 

beginning to tell the stories of Rwanda...

I have been home from Rwanda for almost five days and every ounce of me is longing to be back. I want to be walking the cobblestone roads and looking out at the endless sky filled with roofs covered by sheetmetal, mountains standing tall in the distance. The view of Rwanda is breathtaking if you just take it all in - but when you zoom in on the details, you begin to see the devastating poverty and desperate need - the broken glass that litters those streets and the dirty clothes that are hanging on the starving children standing before you. Jerry cans that announce water will have to be gathered from gutters and bicycles carry massive quantities of eggs and produce from the city to the villages. There is so much strength readily on display, though I would guess they don’t see that - this is ordinary life, this is survival. 

I expected Rwanda to wreck me - but I had no idea it would fill me to the fullness of His joy and leave my heart EXPLODING with gladness. I have had a difficult time finding words to express how deeply moved and forever changed I am because of all I have seen and experienced in Rwanda. I knew leading the team was a calling - I knew He chose me and I was walking in obedience by faith in saying yes; but I didn’t have any idea of all He truly had in store for me upon arriving to love the least of these in Africa. My heartbeat will never be the same. 

I want to share all the stories, I could spend hours recounting the incredible and amazing of His work in the land of a thousand hills. So perhaps over the next few days or weeks I will share a little at a time. I hope you’ll journey wth me - perhaps you’ll be changed as you learn of all God did in and through my team.

Today I’ll take you back to the very beginning of camp… 

We arrived around 4:00pm and the children were already there. We saw a few of their faces peeking around corners, but they were taking showers and freshening up as many had traveled long distances, some walking several hours to get to camp. We found our rooms and began unloading supplies and then got the alert that they were ready for us. I was entirely unprepared for how quickly I would be impacted and struck by the 100 beautiful faces we would soon call our friends. We walked into the room where we would share all our meals together and they were lined up in four rows looking at us with eager anticipation. I was in tears instantly. So many of them had familiar faces as we had seen their pictures prior to our arrival. We were asked to introduce ourselves and then one by one each camper stood up and told us his or her name and their favorite food - most said chips (which are french fries) and a few said rice or beans or meat. There is no designation of type of meat in Africa - it’s all just meat. We became aware of how spoiled we are and how much abundance we live in quite quickly that day. 

We served the children dinner - an African buffet with rice, spaghetti, bananas, chips, beans, some sort of white potato / yam / really interesting looking root vegetable, some green leaves that had been seriously cooked down, saucey that covered everything on the plate and then the meat. The final stop at the table was a huge plate of onions, some fruit, and THEN the fiesta - the largest variety of Fanta you’ve ever seen in your life - the treat of all treats for our kids. We served all the children heaping plates of food - more food than I could have ever eaten in a single sitting - and they devoured every scrap. They raised their eyebrows to say yes to wanting something and shook their finger with fury and said “oh-yeah” for no. Those lifted brows will forever be one of my favorite things about our kids. You can say a lot without uttering a word. 

After dinner it was time for “African singing and dancing” - a sound I pray I can always hear in my heart - it is the beat of pure joy - a kind of worship I had never known before, but will absolutely NEVER forget. With gusto and fervor, the children sang out and ultimately erupted into dancing. One by one they extended their little hands towards us, asking us to join in and we were swallowed up into their circle. We began to attempt to stomp and follow along as we worshipped in one accord. I watched as huge smiles spread across the faces of each member of my team - there was no doubt we were tasting heaven - we learned in new ways that THIS is what rejoicing together looks like - THIS is the fullness of His presence and we were relishing every second.

Far too soon it was time for bed but our hearts were already growing - we were already learning to love more than we thought possible and camp didn’t even OFFICIALLY begin until the next morning. We still really had NO IDEA of all God had in store, but He was stirring, and we were now ready to run with endurance the race marked out for us. In only moments, those kids were inscribed on our hearts and we had been forever changed. With only a glimmer behind and so much lying ahead, God had captured me and written Rwanda into the very fiber of my being. Nothing would ever be quite the same…

really?!?!

people keep saying your 30’s are pure magic…well let me just say i haven’t experienced that. maybe that is true for people who are married and making babies like factories in their 30’s. that seems to be everyone around me. do you know that over the weekend i went to dinner with friends eagerly awaiting twins - then brunched with friends who had their little bud yesterday - then went to a baby shower for a friend expecting in November. that’s real. that was ONE weekend. that’s my life. welcome to my 30’s - if you wanna call that magic, well name me Sparkle and let me glitz you with some fairy dust - i’ve got loads of it.

my unexpected family...

CHOSEN and TLC are the hardest things I have ever done. Undoubtedly. And yet it is resoundingly true that camp is my favorite weekend of the summer. It’s crazy if I really think about it - terrible bunk beds and virtually no sleep, mediocre food at best with subpar coffee, running around like a chicken with my head cut off prepping games and then trying to run the games - which typically means yelling over at least 20 teenagers, navigating any number of challenging conversations and wanting to put my heart on the line in all of them - but not wanting to overstep their line or cause them any harm. Never wanting to do it “wrong” - never wanting to cause additional pain or do damage. But then there is SO MUCH LAUGHTER, the kind that makes your stomach hurt as you simultaneously question how recently you went to the bathroom because you might just pee your pants a little bit if you don’t pull it together soon. There is the sweet little 12-year-old who says she is going to come up with a theme song just for you. There are all the hands flying in the air when you ask for a volunteer to play a pre-chapel game because they LOVE the crazy so much. Their faces light up before you, alive, free, safe. They belong. During worship you hear the sound of their sweet, sweet voices rising up alongside Emily. They may not fully understand what they’re singing, but it’s amazingly beautiful that they’re singing anyway. Kody presents the message and they listen intently and with respect. He talks about family being one of the gifts of grace - acceptance into the FAMILY of Christ. That resonates in a huge way. You watch their eyes dart around the room - connecting with friends and leaders that have truly become like their family in a unique and distinct way. THIS is their second family. Camp is somewhere they feel at home.

Camp is 3 days, less then 72 hours, and yet I truly believe it is a sacred place. It is set aside and those hours are given to us to use with great care. We have an opportunity in that space to shine light, bring hope, and embrace with compassion. We have the chance to be the hands and feet of Jesus - but sometimes I’m not sure we even know what that really means. We say things like show up and be poured out and emptied, but really living it out is a challenge. It stretches us beyond what is comfortable and asks us to LITERALLY give it all, entrusting everything to Him, ready to have our hearts broken for the sake of someone else. Since I was a little girl, I pictured myself married with babies of my own; and yet He gave me a family that looks SO VERY DIFFERENT. He gave me teens that so desperately need to be loved, who need to be reminded they are seen, who need to be embraced right where they are. He gave me teens who have experienced loss and trauma and He shaped and molded my heart for such a time as this. He gave me the capacity to CHOOSE them and I am fiercely protective of each and every one. He called me to them and wrote them into the narrative of my life. I didn’t know this is what He had, and yet this is the story He planned and purposed. THIS is His best for me - THEY are HIS BEST for me - and they are my GREAT JOY!

when your bucket list and foster love and missions intersect...in AFRICA!

Earlier this year, my friends took me to brunch to celebrate my birthday, my 32nd birthday to be exact. We took the train to San Juan Capistrano drinking mimosas all the way (ps if you live in southern California and haven’t tried this adventure yet - you should - it’s a DREAM!) then ate at the incredible Ramos House Café. While we were there we talked about how this year I was going to try and DO some of things I aspire to - I’m not waiting anymore for a REASON to celebrate or live large, I’m just making the memories now - adventuring now - writing down the dreams and then living them. So I read off my bucket list (which is shockingly short) here’s what it included on March 12, 2017: Catalina Island, Africa, Breakfast at Ramos House (CHECK), Duffy Boat Ride, Experience Israel, Malibu Safari Wine Tasting, dinner at SUR, Train to Santa Barbara for a weekend with Mere + some more lifelong hopes - have my daddy walk me down the aisle & have Kevin, Jamie & their kiddos all there & have Anna, Emy, and Mands as my matrons of honor, adopt at least one sweet asian girl and one african boy, take my family to Carlsbad State Beach for a week with the Garcia Family and the Linthicum Family, take at least one mission trip with my husband & one with our family, at some point invite a single girl or a single guy to be part of our family for a holiday so they won’t feel alone or forgotten. We took care of Breakfast at Ramos House that morning and then took our our calendars and planned for an overnight in Hollywood to accomplish dinner at SUR together in July. I love that I have friends who will dream with me! That said, I knew then and know now only God can fulfill my lifelong hopes - as you know, life today doesn’t look anything like I anticipated - and it isn’t always easy. However, I often pray that in the midst of the lonely, the Lord will be mighty and use me for His plans and purposes. I have asked Him to give me strength to run toward Him and to seek Him regardless of my feelings and desires in this season. 

That very same day as we chatted about all this year MIGHT entail, there was a short term missions kick-off at EvFree Fullerton and while I brunched blissfully unaware of all God had in store, mighty things were brewing. You see this summer, my passion for foster teens and a bucket list dream of Africa in my 30’s will intersect and I have no doubt as I laugh and sing and cry alongside these beautiful African teens, my heart will grow, and God will work in me and through me in mighty and life changing ways! 

I have been asked to lead a team to Rwanda to put on a camp for orphans throughout the country. In 1994, in just 100 days, over 800,000 people were slaughtered in one of the most devastating genocides the world has ever seen. Hutu extremists killed 70% of the Tutsi population and 20% of Rwanda’s total population leaving the country and their culture ravaged. It is now illegal to talk about ethnicity in Rwanda; however, we know that true reconciliation and forward movement can only come through forgiveness. While we are at camp, we will focus on grace, forgiveness, and hope beyond circumstances made possible through of the saving blood of Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:7). 

From August 4 - August 16, my team of 12 tremendously gifted and passionate individuals will wholeheartedly and eagerly serve the orphans of Rwanda. The vast majority of our time in-country will be spent putting on camp in the district of Bugasera. We will have lessons and small groups each day as well as music, crafts, and games. Our last day of camp will include a birthday party complete with cupcakes from a nearby bakery - I have no doubt that will be a highlight! We will also be visiting a special needs orphanage to deliver supplies and spend some time with children who have been cast out due to disease. Though they are considered unworthy in the eyes of their people, we know they are made in the very image of God, fearfully and wonderfully, with a distinct plan and purpose (Genesis 1:26-27, Psalm 139:13-16). 

I am exceedingly glad to be journeying to Africa and feel confident the Lord is asking me to follow Him in this great adventure. I believe we are a saved and sent people and it is my joy to be SENT for this purpose. I am honestly humbled and moved and truly cannot believe that the Lord was readying my heart and preparing me for His call in such remarkable ways. I have seen Him move in my heart in regards to foster care and a deep love for the orphan over many years. It started at World Changers when I was only 15. That first summer serving as His hands and feet as a Dandy Sanding ROOF RAF and interacting with a foster teen who had been taken in by his grandma, I knew beyond question that I was called to adopt, that I had the capacity to love one who is not my own, but deeply loved by the Father. He continued to stir my heart through Teen Leadership Camp - I was captivated by the most incredible teens - I heard their stories and was moved by their loss, but also their resilience, strength, hope, and joy despite harrowing circumstances. As I prayed for the teens upon returning home from camp, the Lord opened my eyes to their desperate need for the light and love of Christ to be poured into their lives through the faithful investment of adult leaders who would walk alongside them in an on-going capacity. In fall 2014, the Lord allowed me to start a club named CHOSEN and invite each of our campers to participate. At that first club we had seven teens come, and now we have over 25 teens participating on a monthly basis. We are seeing the Lord move and work in incredible ways and I am more convinced than ever that THIS is what He has for me. My heartbeat is for the “least of these” - for teens who desperately need to be seen and cared for and reminded they have value, significance, and abundant worth - and I have no doubt the Lord gave me the capacity to show them they are abundantly loved. I would have NEVER imagined it would lead me all the way to Africa to love the least of these - but I cannot wait to see what is next in the story He is writing with this passion for His kids and missions intertwined - He has something FAR better than I can see in store! 

If you would like to join me on this adventure, please let me know! I would LOVE to send you emails prior to my departure and while we are away! Your prayers are truly the greatest gift you could EVER gift. If you do want to be a financial partner, you may take advantage of our online giving option using your credit card. The website is https://linux.fefcful.org/projects/give. You’ll then want to select RWANDA 2017 and my name (Shelly Swope) within the drop down menu. 

all it took was a thank you note...

I got a thank you note in the mail from my friend Lindsey yesterday and it made me cry. The sentiment was simple but jam packed with hope and belief - two things I think I consistently lose track of in the midst of the hallow, desert season. The sentence stopped me in my tracks and made the tears pour instantly. It read, “Adeline and Beckham have no idea how lucky they are to call you Auntie Shell and get to play with your future children.” FUTURE CHILDREN?! The night before I had cried underlining 1 Samuel 1:19b “…and the Lord remembered her.” I wasn’t even thinking about children (though I do realize that is a the central element of Hannah’s story) I was just thinking about a husband - we’re still at step 1 people - maybe even before step 1 - a great boyfriend, a good date. I used to think watching my friends get married was hard, that was before I watched them all become mamas. (Literally all of them - we don't have to talk about my friends having babies in 2017, it's an amazing blessing with a side of brutal). The bittersweet only intensifies with each changing season - the insurmountable joy and simultaneous tinge of sorrow. But Lindsey, she doesn’t see that. She’s the eagerly anticipating mama just looking forward to the arrival of her twins. She doesn’t look at me and see any hint of bittersweet - she just believes with excitement for all that may come, for all my tomorrows may hold. Perhaps it’s because the last few years for her have been filled with God answering prayers with more yes and dreams fulfilled, but she has great hope for my future children - she has no doubt they’re coming. I’ve lost that. In the midst of longing and desire, lonely and empty, the season of waiting that has been so much longer than anyone ever anticipated, I’ve lost that light and airy. I believe He is good and know He doesn’t withhold His best from His children - but I also know in His loving kindness, His best is not always aligned with our human desire. Though I long for a husband and children - that may not ultimately be what the Lord has in store, and in His mercy, He will say no, and guide me along another path even if I do not understand. And thus, I come back to Hannah: “In her deep anguish, Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly…she poured out her soul to the Lord…praying out of great anguish and grief.” And then 1:19b AND THE LORD REMEMBERED HER. Perhaps my tears as I underlined that verse and read that sweet thank you note were the very depiction of hope in the desert - perhaps rather than light and airy, they’ve just taken on a new form in the midst of the bittersweet - perhaps hope is not lost, but looks different as it is being restored by a good, loving, and faithful Father who is near even when life doesn’t look anything like we expected. Perhaps believing in faith looks a lot more like the Hannah of 1:1-19, in which case, I'm right on track...

an extra place at the table...

Easter is undoubtedly the most incredible celebration of the year. It’s the day we celebrate that Christ ROSE, defeating sin, triumphing over death, giving us the gift of eternal life and HOPE for life abundant even while here on earth. There is absolutely nothing more valuable. We have relationship with the Creator and our faithful Father because He chose to sacrifice everything for us. FOR ME. It is the most gloriously rich inheritance. It is the most beautiful and profound and humbling day - one on which my soul awakes anew and rejoices with all the saints in heaven and on earth, and I reflect on the magnitude of my sin NAILED TO THE CROSS and I bear it no more - Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord Oh my soul! 

In the last few years, I have also found that Easter can be a particularly challenging day for me. Newsflash, I am 32 and single - have you heard that before? (I know, I’m a broken record, I get tired of feeling it as much as you get tired of hearing about it!). Going to church can be a pain-point in and of itself regardless of any holiday essence…and then you add the component of families all dressed up in their Easter-wear and the tears inside me just threaten to waterfall. I didn’t know. I didn’t know that Instagram and Facebook and the never ending stream of happiness via “perfect” little families would one day break my heart while simultaneously filling it with an overwhelming amount of joy. Yesterday was the “first Easter” for several of my favorite little bunnies…they are the CUTEST little bunnies ever and I LOVED seeing their pictures and sharing in the joy of my dearest friends who are new mamas! Still every ounce of me LONGS to be a wife and mama myself. 

About a week ago I had to have a tough conversation with myself. I knew I had CHOSEN on Saturday so it wasn’t realistic to spend Easter Sunday with my parents in San Diego. I would spend Good Friday with them at the beach and then head back to Orange County early Saturday morning to celebrate Easter with my favorite teens on Saturday afternoon. Sunday I would go to EvFree and spend the morning with Jesus at my home church with my church family. Then I HAD A CHOICE. I could CHOOSE to feel lonely and sad and like I didn’t have a place to “belong” OR I could tell someone that I didn’t have anywhere to spend my Easter afternoon -and ask for an invitation. I knew deep down that I would be welcomed and wanted several places - I just had to let them know I didn’t have a “family” to share the holiday with this year. I think that’s one of the most painful parts of this season. I feel uninvited because the invitation doesn’t often come on it’s own - but I AM WANTED - I just have to let people know I have a need. We don’t like to share our needs or express our emptiness and hurts. We like to be the one DOING the inviting and fixing and advice giving. Most of us don’t really like to be the one on the other side of the coin. In this season, there is a lot more vulnerable and exposed and honest than I care to admit. 

I prayed a lot, cried a bit, and then took a deep breath and sent an email to Connie Hutchinson - a wonderful cheerleader and encourager in my life. She was gracious and kind and actually said it made her cry that I would WANT to spend Easter with her clan. In the long run, it wasn’t the best year for her - and I was grateful she was honest with me. I took another deep breath and tried again - the Lord is gracious to give us strength - and sent a text to my friend Carrie asking if I could crash her Easter. The response was instantaneous “I would LOVE that”. I spent the day yesterday watching Izzy and Rory hunt for eggs - they were hilarious and Carrie said they were so excited I was coming! We ate a delicious meal and played 31 - a game I often played with my family growing up. As I left, Carrie’s dad said, “You are NEVER CRASHING at our home, Shelly, you are family.” 

It is very easy to sit in the hard places, the challenging and desperately broken places and feel as though they are wrecking us and leaving us empty, depleted, and scarred beyond recognition. There is an element of truth therein - they do change us - however, I would argue they mold and shape us and that though the darkness we actually BECOME. This is a white space in my life…a moment in time I can’t explain or escape…and yet I have no doubt that I am learning more than I can thank Him for. I’m awake and listening, Lord, and someday I pray I will get to be the one setting extra places at the table for someone who needs to be invited and I hope I’ll have eyes to see her and she won’t ever have to ask! 

there is ALWAYS a WHY!

SO…last night I was reading my Bible and I came across this verse that JUST STRUCK ME. I had to stop and take note - and now I have to write it down so I don’t forget.

>> DETOUR - I will never forget listening to Pastor Sam preach at Gateway Church and saying that when we read the Bible, we should read until we are struck by something and then we should PAUSE and sit with the Lord in THAT. Don’t read to read, to mark it off your list, to get it done. But read until the Lord gives you something - He is faithful to do so because His word is ALIVE and ACTIVE and purposely transformative IN OUR LIVES. I’ve read the Bible differently ever since.

I’m reading the Bible chronologically so I’m currently in Judges I read 1 and 2 and then got to 3…here’s how it opens…
These are the nations the Lord left to test all those Israelites who had not experienced any of the wars in Canaan 2 (he did this only to teach warfare to the descendants of the Israelites who had not had previous battle experience): 3 the five rulers of the Philistines, all the Canaanites, the Sidonians, and the Hivites living in the Lebanon mountains from Mount Baal Hermon to Lebo Hamath. 4 They were left to test the Israelites to see whether they would obey the Lord’s commands, which he had given their ancestors through Moses. 

DO YOU SEE THAT? Do you see verse 2 where there are parenthesis? Oh my gosh. Dumbfounded. (He did this only to teach warfare to the descendants of the Israelites who had not had previous battle experience). I guarantee you those Israelites did not KNOW that is the WHY of the testing they were experiencing. They just experienced the testing. OH HOW I WONDER what God puts in those parenthesis in my life! I love that for one quick instant we see there is a WHY. So often in our lives we KNOW by faith that there is a purpose and intention to God’s movement in our lives and yet in verse 2 of Judges 3, He CHOOSES to show us the evidence that we can absolutely believe wholeheartedly that there is ALWAYS A WHY. Oh man how incredible would it be to see everything He writes between the parenthesis in our individual stories through each passing season, to know His heart in the testing - in the desert - and what He is trying to teach us if we are willing to turn our hearts and focus our eyes on Him. He is building our faith reminding us to trust the One who is in control - the Covenant God who is the GREAT I AM.

I tell you, I’m an Old Testament girl through and through - don’t miss the beauty of the wretched Israelites and the unceasing hope in their mess and the way they are fanatically pursued and loved by a GOOD FATHER.

through the fog

Yesterday, my sweet friend Abigail sent me a message - she said “you follow in the fog - the fog of heartache, of loss, of dreams that haven’t been met, of depression. It’s easy to follow when you’re in agreement with God, but obedience is what God calls of His disciples. You follow the Lord when you can’t see through the fog to how it all makes sense. That is true obedience.”

It has undoubtedly been a season of FOG. Where the bittersweet feels more bitter than sweet and the rejoicing with OTHERS is more profound than rejoicing for self. Mom and I were having a conversation recently where we discussed the Israelites and how they walked by FAITH without certainty of what they were walking toward. So often I think that is our call in life - to keep taking steps forward - tiny perhaps seemingly insignificant steps of FAITH - that are PROFOUND in the long run. We don’t see the LIGHT in that, but others do. We don’t see Jesus shining in us or through us, but He is still somehow on display in our willingness to keep walking toward Him, kneeling before Him, and surrendering to Him faithfully. So much of life is ordinary and we won’t see the BIG PICTURE unfolding before us with grandeur so we must trust the Author who perfectly crafts each detail. 

If the entirety of the Bible can be summed up in three words - God With Us - and one of the names of God is Emmanuel - and our deepest need and desire in this life is His presence, ultimately we know the prayer of our heart must be MORE JESUS, ALL THE TIME. That is the only thing that will ever satisfy and fulfill. So in the midst of the fog, the bittersweet, and the tears, I continue to pray He would be my biggest dream and I would take small steps toward Him in faithful obedience. I surrender all.

“Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” Colossians 3:2