all it took was a thank you note...

I got a thank you note in the mail from my friend Lindsey yesterday and it made me cry. The sentiment was simple but jam packed with hope and belief - two things I think I consistently lose track of in the midst of the hallow, desert season. The sentence stopped me in my tracks and made the tears pour instantly. It read, “Adeline and Beckham have no idea how lucky they are to call you Auntie Shell and get to play with your future children.” FUTURE CHILDREN?! The night before I had cried underlining 1 Samuel 1:19b “…and the Lord remembered her.” I wasn’t even thinking about children (though I do realize that is a the central element of Hannah’s story) I was just thinking about a husband - we’re still at step 1 people - maybe even before step 1 - a great boyfriend, a good date. I used to think watching my friends get married was hard, that was before I watched them all become mamas. (Literally all of them - we don't have to talk about my friends having babies in 2017, it's an amazing blessing with a side of brutal). The bittersweet only intensifies with each changing season - the insurmountable joy and simultaneous tinge of sorrow. But Lindsey, she doesn’t see that. She’s the eagerly anticipating mama just looking forward to the arrival of her twins. She doesn’t look at me and see any hint of bittersweet - she just believes with excitement for all that may come, for all my tomorrows may hold. Perhaps it’s because the last few years for her have been filled with God answering prayers with more yes and dreams fulfilled, but she has great hope for my future children - she has no doubt they’re coming. I’ve lost that. In the midst of longing and desire, lonely and empty, the season of waiting that has been so much longer than anyone ever anticipated, I’ve lost that light and airy. I believe He is good and know He doesn’t withhold His best from His children - but I also know in His loving kindness, His best is not always aligned with our human desire. Though I long for a husband and children - that may not ultimately be what the Lord has in store, and in His mercy, He will say no, and guide me along another path even if I do not understand. And thus, I come back to Hannah: “In her deep anguish, Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly…she poured out her soul to the Lord…praying out of great anguish and grief.” And then 1:19b AND THE LORD REMEMBERED HER. Perhaps my tears as I underlined that verse and read that sweet thank you note were the very depiction of hope in the desert - perhaps rather than light and airy, they’ve just taken on a new form in the midst of the bittersweet - perhaps hope is not lost, but looks different as it is being restored by a good, loving, and faithful Father who is near even when life doesn’t look anything like we expected. Perhaps believing in faith looks a lot more like the Hannah of 1:1-19, in which case, I'm right on track...