an extra place at the table...

Easter is undoubtedly the most incredible celebration of the year. It’s the day we celebrate that Christ ROSE, defeating sin, triumphing over death, giving us the gift of eternal life and HOPE for life abundant even while here on earth. There is absolutely nothing more valuable. We have relationship with the Creator and our faithful Father because He chose to sacrifice everything for us. FOR ME. It is the most gloriously rich inheritance. It is the most beautiful and profound and humbling day - one on which my soul awakes anew and rejoices with all the saints in heaven and on earth, and I reflect on the magnitude of my sin NAILED TO THE CROSS and I bear it no more - Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord Oh my soul! 

In the last few years, I have also found that Easter can be a particularly challenging day for me. Newsflash, I am 32 and single - have you heard that before? (I know, I’m a broken record, I get tired of feeling it as much as you get tired of hearing about it!). Going to church can be a pain-point in and of itself regardless of any holiday essence…and then you add the component of families all dressed up in their Easter-wear and the tears inside me just threaten to waterfall. I didn’t know. I didn’t know that Instagram and Facebook and the never ending stream of happiness via “perfect” little families would one day break my heart while simultaneously filling it with an overwhelming amount of joy. Yesterday was the “first Easter” for several of my favorite little bunnies…they are the CUTEST little bunnies ever and I LOVED seeing their pictures and sharing in the joy of my dearest friends who are new mamas! Still every ounce of me LONGS to be a wife and mama myself. 

About a week ago I had to have a tough conversation with myself. I knew I had CHOSEN on Saturday so it wasn’t realistic to spend Easter Sunday with my parents in San Diego. I would spend Good Friday with them at the beach and then head back to Orange County early Saturday morning to celebrate Easter with my favorite teens on Saturday afternoon. Sunday I would go to EvFree and spend the morning with Jesus at my home church with my church family. Then I HAD A CHOICE. I could CHOOSE to feel lonely and sad and like I didn’t have a place to “belong” OR I could tell someone that I didn’t have anywhere to spend my Easter afternoon -and ask for an invitation. I knew deep down that I would be welcomed and wanted several places - I just had to let them know I didn’t have a “family” to share the holiday with this year. I think that’s one of the most painful parts of this season. I feel uninvited because the invitation doesn’t often come on it’s own - but I AM WANTED - I just have to let people know I have a need. We don’t like to share our needs or express our emptiness and hurts. We like to be the one DOING the inviting and fixing and advice giving. Most of us don’t really like to be the one on the other side of the coin. In this season, there is a lot more vulnerable and exposed and honest than I care to admit. 

I prayed a lot, cried a bit, and then took a deep breath and sent an email to Connie Hutchinson - a wonderful cheerleader and encourager in my life. She was gracious and kind and actually said it made her cry that I would WANT to spend Easter with her clan. In the long run, it wasn’t the best year for her - and I was grateful she was honest with me. I took another deep breath and tried again - the Lord is gracious to give us strength - and sent a text to my friend Carrie asking if I could crash her Easter. The response was instantaneous “I would LOVE that”. I spent the day yesterday watching Izzy and Rory hunt for eggs - they were hilarious and Carrie said they were so excited I was coming! We ate a delicious meal and played 31 - a game I often played with my family growing up. As I left, Carrie’s dad said, “You are NEVER CRASHING at our home, Shelly, you are family.” 

It is very easy to sit in the hard places, the challenging and desperately broken places and feel as though they are wrecking us and leaving us empty, depleted, and scarred beyond recognition. There is an element of truth therein - they do change us - however, I would argue they mold and shape us and that though the darkness we actually BECOME. This is a white space in my life…a moment in time I can’t explain or escape…and yet I have no doubt that I am learning more than I can thank Him for. I’m awake and listening, Lord, and someday I pray I will get to be the one setting extra places at the table for someone who needs to be invited and I hope I’ll have eyes to see her and she won’t ever have to ask!