I don't fit...

I am 30 and single. I was single throughout the entirety of my 20’s. I have watched many of my friends fall in love and get married. Lots of them have babies now. I would love to tell you that throughout the previous decade, while they’ve been settled and responsible, I’ve been collecting hilarious stories from dating adventures that could fill this blog for days with riotous content that would keep you rolling. However, reality is I’ve never been asked on a real date. Nevertheless, that’s not really what this post is about. It’s not meant to be some sob story about my utter lack of a love life - I’m not begging for compliments or looking for a self-esteem boost. You see, I was pondering the extent to which the emotions have changed through the years and I was startled. I was texting with my lifelong Anna the other day about dating online and she was trying to get me excited by talking about things like getting dressed up and going out for dinner - let’s be honest - I’m 30 - an evening in yoga pants on the couch with one of my bests sounds WAY better than a night on the town in an uncomfortable outfit with a stranger. I remember the days when I used to be jealous of the girl getting dressed up and going on dates, wondering what it felt like to be noticed, wanted, somehow identified as something “more special” than all the others at least to that one guy. My Facebook feed used to be riddled with pictures of dating couples (now it is almost all babies - it’s SHOCKING how your feed changes the older you get!). Now I get jealous of my couple friends going out with other couples or my bests hanging out with other mommies on playdates. I AM THAT PERSON. My best Carrie is going on a trip to Hawaii with couple friends this fall and I know those pictures are going to be so hard for me to stomach. I don’t want to go on a date - I want a husband -one who fits with the group so we can jet set off on incredible adventures with the people I love - one that somehow makes me fit again. And I guess there’s the truth. The ugly bottom line. I’m 30 and single, and though my friends are wonderfully kind and compassionate and inclusive and in so many beautiful ways choose to make me feel like part of their families, I just don’t fit in quite the same way and seeing them with the people they do fit with makes me ache and long for the completion of my picture. It’s not to say that I don’t see my value or feel like wonderful can happen in this stage now…it’s just to say that I’m growing more acutely aware that I am one where so many of my favorites are two or three or four or five…

23 + 16 + 9 = 1 year of CHOSEN...

Last night we celebrated the first year of CHOSEN. 

It has been an entire year since I stood at our TLC Celebration with a clipboard and begged our counselors to please sign up to be part of club. It didn’t have a name. We didn’t have any idea how many teens would participate. We didn’t really know what it would look like or what we would do. I’m not even sure we had determined a regular meeting day or time.  

Last summer we fell on our knees, there was a whole lot of prayer - asking the Lord for wisdom and direction for this new ministry, to give the caregivers willing hearts to bring their teens to this new club, for teens to be excited to attend, for creative ideas that would be fun, and as we moved toward September, it started to come together…invitations went out, phone calls were made, official plans for our VERY FIRST CLUB were made. 

That first Saturday we arrived and waited in anticipation not really knowing how it would all turn out. The first week we had a total of 7 teens attend - I went home and cried praising the Lord for His miraculous gift and officially allowing us to be a ministry! I really couldn’t believe we did it. 

CHOSEN existed. 

Over the course of this first year we grew tremendously and continued to see the Lord move in our midst… in total our stats are staggering to me…

23 Leaders

16 Teens

1 teen who came to club and had never been to TLC…he came to camp with us this summer for the first time

1 mentor / mentee pair 

9 Club meetings

Games, Crafts, & Celebrations Galore

We learned a lot…

• Costco Pizza is the absolute CHEAPEST way to feed hungry teenagers
• There is no such thing as too much candy
• Our teens actually DO like chili, they just hadn’t ever heard of it before! 
• A game involving shooting KIX cereal out your nose produces a shocking amount of anxiety - ask Lauren Sopp
• 245 Easter eggs really isn’t very many
• Running on a gym floor can have serious consequences - sorry Connie! 
• It’s really all about the Starbucks gift card
• Cheezballs stick to shaving cream JUST FINE
• Don’t ever let a boy hit the piñata first - it’s super anticlimactic when the piñata busts open on the first crack
• Potlucks and homemade meals and sitting at one long table really can make you feel like a family
• When prepping for club, always ALWAYS go to the dollar store - it contains treasure beyond compare
• There is no prize quite like a 1LB. bag of skittles
• Dessert is an absolutely must - whether cupcakes, cookies, ice-cream, or CAKE it will undoubtedly get devoured

There was so much laughter throughout this first year of club and each month I would go home thinking about how it truly is the sweetest sound. As I stood in front of our leaders last night to celebrate all the Lord has done, I felt humbled, honored, and entirely inadequate to express my thanks. So many amazingly dedicated and generous leaders gave up so much time - poured their hearts into club and loved these teens so very well. 

My words feel empty, but the teens are thankful - and their words do hold some weight…their gratitude wrecks me and makes every single ounce of effort worth it. 

“I actually liked every moment I’ve spent at club.” 

“Everything about club was good - all the games were fun, the snacks were good, everything was great. CHOSEN was really awesome!”

“Thank you for club. It made my life so much happier!” 

“I loved coming to every CHOSEN club. It was so fun and I thank all the staff for all the help and support you guys gave us.” 

It’s time to start prepping for year 2…for another chapter in this great adventure - it is full of joy - some tears - and ridiculous fun. Undoubtedly the Lord is at work and I will praise Him loudly for allowing us to spend time with these teens and prayerfully make some small difference in their lives by shining His love and reminding them on a monthly basis they are loved and CHOSEN by God and by us. This is the good stuff…so HERE WE GO! 

hey juliette...

I grew up with Anna and Jenny - we were a trio from day one and I am beyond grateful to say we are still celebrating life's big moments together even today - 30 years later. Jenny is expecting her first child, a sweet baby girl in August. Jenny and Josh are naming their daughter Juliette Leigh and we are all eagerly anticipating her arrival. In early June, Anna and I had the pleasure of throwing Jenny and Juliette a shower. It was all kinds of pink and sparkly and glittery - it was loud and perhaps a hint obnoxious - Jenny walked in and said "Oh yeah, this is my style" - it was perfect and made all the planning and preparations worth it. I designed the invite and Anna and I did everything else together, which was honestly so fun - another reason to praise the Lord for technology - planning showers via text message and emails is not to be taken lightly! From the paper pinwheels to the balloons and streamers to the apothecary jars and a group photo, it was a wonderful morning full of love and expectation - Juliette Leigh will be deeply and richly loved by MANY!

the hardest month of my life...

June has been one of the hardest months of my entire life. I have struggled with headaches for approximately ten years, but this month was knock down, drag out hard. On the 10th I had a procedure on my spine and due to complications, I was left leaking cerebral spinal fluid and the pain was excruciating. In the midst of that, I went to TLC - my favorite weekend of the summer - camp for teens who have been touched by the foster care system. The Lord was gracious and provided strength and endurance and perseverance so I was able to be present even though it was nothing like I anticipated. When I returned home, it was abundantly apparent that I was not ok and the pain was not going to resolve on its own, so I ended up back in the hospital on Wednesday the 24th. After two additional procedures (and some demerol) there was relief and the edge of the pain dwindled. I have been in recovery mode ever since, but it has been anything but an easy road, and let's just say #thestruggleisreal.

So, at the close of a month that has caused me to shudder and humbled me in every sense of the word, I was challenged (by my BiolaLove Stacey who is currently at camp LIVING IT UP and spreading joy (and snow cones) week after week to write a list of 50 things I'm thankful for. The Lord is good ALL THE TIME and I have seen Him in countless ways even as the tears have poured. He has promised to be present in our time of need and He is near even now in the midst of the darkness. I am blessed and I am grateful...

1. a comfy bed

2. air conditioning

3. a home that is safe

4. modern medicine - praise the Lord for pain killers! 

5. an AMAZING support system of friends that have become a whole lot like family

6. flowers that have brought a smile on even the hardest of days

7. words that have been gifts and soothed my soul 

8. a full house of roommates - all of whom are kind and I look forward to getting to know better soon

9. cable - summer TV doesn’t have a LOT to offer, but the return of the bachelorette and big brother are undoubtedly highlights!

10. Kimie Cook Klawer - my surgery buddy for life - and amazing text messages about being tough kids and always getting through even if it requires cookies and donuts - Texas took one of the best!

11. Chickfila - the food that literally always tastes good - and the best arnold palmer on the planet

12. happy mail 

13. TLC - my very favorite weekend of the summer

14. heart healing and unexpected resolution 

15. painted nails and the ridiculous way in which that makes me feel WAY better

16. people watching in the hospital waiting room with Diane - when I asked her to drive me to outpatient surgery I had no idea that I was making the BEST DECISION EVER with that request. She made me laugh and laughing almost instantly relieves anxiety - she is always something I am thankful for, but that morning, God gave me a tremendous gift in allowing her to be by my side

17. hugs from teenagers that absolutely do not have to love me but somehow do

18. fun dip with Alise - and the blue tongue that lasted for DAYS (ok just one, but still - GROSS!) 

19. a car to escape to mid-day when I just need a few minutes alone

20. tears and the amazing gift it is to let it out and just cry sometimes

21. Mands - there aren’t enough words, or perhaps the words are weighty enough, it can’t be encapsulated or fully described, but the Lord gave me a tremendous gift when He allowed me to walk through life with Amanda Jennifer Young by my side - we’ll just leave it at #top5

22. technology - specifically FaceTime and the glorious and radiant faces of Madeline, Charlotte, Jason and my beautiful sister in law Jamie - I cannot WAIT to hug them in person very soon

23. worship music and the way the words pierce straight to my heart even when I can’t seem to get there on my own

24. God's gracious financial provision - He is so faithful to provide abundantly above and beyond my needs
25. Rhonda who spent days helping me prepare games for TLC
26. J who came over and packed all the game bins and packed my bags for TLC
27. Best who came and loaded the car and took me to TLC
28. listening to the laughter of amazing teens as they ran across a giant grass field and popped balloons for team points and ultimately copious quantities of candy
29. the way God provides new friends who are somehow exactly who you need even when you didn't know you needed them - thank you Kendra Higgins for being such an answer to prayer and speaking God's comfort and peace and truth straight to my heart
30. getting to see my world changers best friend Sara - WHAT?!?!!!!
31. celebrating Jennifer Leigh Linthicum and sweet Juliette - can't wait to hold her in August!!
32. a slumber party with my lifelong best friend Anna
33. my lifelong best friend Anna and the ways the Lord has used adulthood and all we've faced to bring us together and prove to us time and time again that He has given us an amazing gift in our friendship
34. Connie & Alise and the amazing partners they are in ministry - being on a team together and getting to love on our teens who have been touched by the foster care system is undoubtedly one of the greatest joys in my life
35. cold water straight from the fridge
36. podcasts (I really don't need to say more - but if you need recommendations, try The Big Boo Cast, InfluenceNet, This American Life or The Moth - those are my absolute favs!)
37. my parents who have been supportive - calling and checking in often never failing to remind me they care
38. coffee
39. Starbucks peach iced green team lemonade with only half the peach - delish!
40. text messages from friends who care just checking in to remind me I'm not alone
41. visitors who came for the bachelorette, or to deliver a meal, or a smoothie, or frozen yogurt, or simply to lie on my bed, who tangibly loved when I needed it so desperately
42. my recent upgrade to the master bedroom, which means I now rock a private bathroom - WOOT!
43. the great emtram who loves me so much she looked up flights to be here in the midst of the crazy - she just wanted to lie next to me, and watch endless hours of greys season 2 - that's a text from a true friend who knows my heart
44. a circle of deeply rooted believers who carried my burden boldly and prayed in faith
45. this super cute print that hangs on my bedroom wall and reads "you are so loved" - it's a great reminder for me!
46. a challenging book that has been rich and full of value
47. SAVOR - the Shauna Niequist daily devotional
48. phone chats with dear friends who know my heart and never fail to remind me they see the very best pieces of me
49. freshly washed hair
50. that because of Jesus Christ, I will literally never be alone and know absolutely nothing is too hard or too big for Him

#mybiolaloves

#mybiolaloves diligently focused on finals week, then moved into their big bad grown up apartment, then headed off on summer adventures. I am so proud of them - they’ve had a hard year on many accounts and yet they’ve given it their all and I can say without question or hesitation that the Lord has been so faithful as we have invested in one another, become supporters, encouragers, providers of strength in moments of weakness and simply shoulders to cry on. We’ve laughed a lot, grown a lot, and truly developed a bond that will be forever cherished. When I told Erin Kerr I would facilitate a rooted group in fall 2014 I had no idea that God would give me something SO MUCH BETTER - that He would birth #thecoffee5 and allow me to mentor and walk alongside some of the dearest and most beloved college aged girls on this planet. I could not be more grateful for our time or this experience. To say I will miss them this summer is GROSS understatement. They undoubtedly own part of my heart and will forever have a little corner in my world and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Last weekend, the Meggerator and I hosted a little grand finale celebration and soiree send-off of sorts (oooooooh did you like all that alliteration?!) for our girls. The evening started at my house where we chatted for a bit, then we headed to Birch Street - to Bruxie, for waffles…can we say DELICIOUS. After dinner, we went to Downtown Fullerton where they just remodeled a janky old movie theatre and put in reclining seats and seriously stepped up their service game. We settled in and got ready for the one, the only, PITCH PERFECT 2. The girls got popcorn and lattes while Megan and I decided to turn it up a notch and ordered ourselves coffee…and Baileys…again can we say DELICIOUS (and, I might add, there is nothing better than hitting a “call button” and having a waiter bring you a coffee and baileys during your flick. Seriously. This is living. Does anyone want to install that for my living room? Is that how a husband works?) After the movie, which was HILARIOUS by the way and totally worth seeing at least a few more times in theaters, we headed back to my house to open presents because WHAT PARTY IS COMPLETE WITHOUT PRESENTS?! I gave each of the girls a picture of our group as well as a pair of pajama shorts. When we had our Christmas celebration and “slumber party” we all got matching Christmas pajamas - so it seemed appropriate to do the same with summer pajama shorts. Plus we are all headed different directions this summer. Stacey is going to camp (you’re getting one of the best Frontier Ranch), Meredith is staying here in Orange County and working (which means she gets to hang out with me and Megan a lot! WOOHOO!) but will also spend some time with family in Santa Barbara and in Texas and Abigail will be nannying in Utah AFTER an amazing European adventure with her family. I will spend at least one weekend at TLC with the foster teens who own my heart and Megan will spend at least one weekend in San Francisco. So, in our matching pajama shorts, we can travel and still be together on some sort of level. I don’t exactly believe in the sisterhood of the traveling pants - let’s be real - we are NOT all the same size, but we’ll take this traveling shorts thing to a whole new level…watch out world a new hashtag is about to be born!

It will be my great joy and honor to pray my girls through the next few months as they live their dreams. On Sunday as I sat in church without them, the tears welled up. I really have come to claim them as my own. They are part of my Orange County family and they are undoubtedly one of the greatest and most unexpected blessings of the year. I will miss them terribly, but truly cannot wait for another year of laughing and learning and growing together. I won’t wish away the summer, but I look forward to the fall - and doing it all again. Oh #mybiolaloves - I do adore you!

CHOSEN - that's a wrap...

Oh my goodness…CHOSEN year 1 is complete. Done. Behind me. I really cannot even believe it. Over the weekend my hooligans gathered for our final club for the 2014 / 2015 academic year. Next month we will spend the 3rd Saturday of the month together AT CAMP! WOOHOO! 3 whole days of laughter and craziness, games galore with more prizes than you can imagine including deliciousness like ring pops and sour patch kids, fun dips, pop rocks and nerd ropes in abundance, camp food, matching t-shirts, high ropes and low ropes and zip lines, stories and huddle times, and an EPIC variety show. Seriously camp is my favorite weekend of the summer.

BUT, back to CHOSEN. In September when we launched club, I remember being a jittery excited mess. I couldn’t wait to see our teens, but I also didn’t have any idea what we were in for. I didn’t know how many would come or if they would have a good time even if they showed up. Long story short, over the course of the year, we had 17 teens total that participated in club, one of whom will be joining us at camp for the very first time this summer and we are SO THRILLED to have him! He has absolutely become one of us! In our time together, we played a lot of games, made crafts, ate a lot of food and copious quantities of desserts, talked about some really heavy stuff, reminded each other often that we care and are here to support and encourage one another, celebrated holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays, grew up a lot, learned even more, and truly became the embodiment of this concept of family.

To say these teens own a special place in my heart would be an understatement. It hasn’t been perfect and there is so much we could do better. However, I see God’s faithfulness written on everything we have done and become. There is so much hope and potential for what is to come in year 2. My mind is literally spinning with ideas and possibilities. However, I think for today I will stop and simply sit in the gratitude for all He has done and allowed me to be part of. I would have NEVER guessed that I would be the Director of a club for foster kids at age 30. I had no idea this is what was coming and yet the Lord perfectly paved the road, crafted my heart, opened the doors, and flooded me with the love I needed to embrace every single teen. There is so much to come, but for a little while I want to simply reflect and give Him praise for the incredible gift and work He has done in my heart. What an honor to have space for these teens. The statistics are staggering and there is nothing I want more than to be a positive part of their stories - He has allowed me to be part of crafting a safe space for them - a place where their laughter resonates and they smile genuinely for hours. I have a feeling that the 3rd Saturday of the month will forever be a sacred and special part of my life - and I will forever praise Him for allowing me to be part of that world.

hand outstretched and heart open...

Love is a crazy thing, right? I have yet to experience this idea of “true love”, but I do love my friends ferociously. Right now one of my closies is in Africa, RWANDA (I always feel the need to spell it in ALL CAPS - I know that is ridiculous - but it looks wrong with correct capitalization - what is that about?) specifically and I miss her hard. In normal life, we talk almost every day. While she has been in Africa, we have still talked several times (praise the Lord for technology and maybe touches of insomnia even though we both pray against that!). I got a text as she boarded the plane, then a FB message that she was there safe and sound, and then last night I got an email, like a real email with heart talk. Each time a message has come in from Africa, my heart stops…it’s this beautiful and sacred moment in which I feel both tremendously grateful and totally gutted. I feel almost selfish on some level - I’m SO glad that I’m getting an email and yet my girl is in Africa, I can’t hold her tight like that - she isn’t mine to keep - she’s got to fly and soar and be exactly where the Lord wants her. I am realizing over and over again how desperately I cling to people. In a season of life in which I feel like I have said a lot of goodbyes, another one just feels entirely too hard. I currently have friends all over the country and abroad…they’re spread all over California and into Hawaii, Alabama, Missouri, Georgia, North Carolina, Texas, Arizona, Oregon, and even Australia, Turkey, and Africa. I feel like I have said goodbye to friends as they’ve gotten married and had babies and moved into new chapters of their lives. The reality is that I need them in far different and perhaps more significant ways than they need me. They have their person - the one they come home to each day - the one who listens to all their stories and loves them infinitely. I don’t. They were my people. But it isn’t quite the same to share your stories when the other party doesn’t willingly share back. Confessing your heart and allowing someone to be a secret keeper is a gift, an investment, it doesn’t necessarily come naturally or easily, it’s a choice, it’s love. When I give pieces of my heart away, I give them wholeheartedly and with absolute certainty. I am in and for the long haul, regardless of what life brings…even if that means waiting for emails from Africa.

Even still, I really want to be the kind of follower that is willing to pick up my net and go. Even more, I want to be the kind of friend that will stand on the sidelines and cheer and support and run the race with endurance if my friend is called to go. And yet my heart aches and longs for the easier road, the one in which we get to travel together. I’m reading the book Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist and as she talks about her best friend moving away she says, “You know you don’t get that many experiences of friendship like the one we share…no matter where you are in the world, no matter where life takes you, you’ll always be close in my heart…” I guess I’m that kind of friend, the one who holds a dear, sweet friend close in my heart regardless of how far the physical distance may be or the changing season may require…my hand remains outstretched and my heart open...

no IF just IS.

I spend a decent amount of time in my car each day and I have learned through the years that sometimes those are my best minutes to meet with Jesus each and every day. It is amazing to me that He really can commune with us anywhere. While I am slowly crawling toward my office sitting in traffic (let’s be honest, Orange County is basically a parking lot during rush hour each day) and people are driving like banshies threatening my very life and the lives of those near me, the Lord is faithful to draw near and remind me anew of just who He is and how much He loves me.

This morning I was listening to a 10-minute devotional and the tears just started streaming down my face. The message kept coming back to this idea that God is. We so often in our humanity live a life of “IF” - dreaming of our “fantasy future” and living in the false belief that God is real “IF” He answers some fanciful idealistic plan we laid for ourselves. However, God is PRESENT in our present. He IS - His name is I AM. We don’t have to wait for something to come true in order to see God in our lives. He is here. He is beside us in every single moment - exactly where we are right now. In every breath. God is not IF. God IS. 

a goodbye I just wasn't ready to say...

When I was a sophomore in college I fell in love with Grey’s Anatomy. Each Thursday night I would cuddle up on my dorm room bunk bed under my ridiculous yellow gingham comforter and spend an hour with the Chief and Bailey, Derek and Meredith, Izzy and George and Cristina. I watched as bombs exploded and trains collided and Denny died and the haunting harmonies of my very favorite musical melodies serenaded in the background. Songs like “chasing cars” and “breathe” quickly moved into the most played positions in my iTunes library. For Christmas one year, my dear friend Gan and I gave each other Grey’s Anatomy scrubs and calendars. We were what you would call die-hard fans. Years later when college was far behind us we went adorned in those fantastic scrubs as Dr. Meredith Grey and Dr. Cristina Yang to Rachel’s epic Halloween party. My mom took to calling Grey’s my “smutty show” - literally everyone knew exactly where I would be on Thursday evenings - home - transfixed - watching ABC. Summer 2007 while changing the world, Emy and I spent countless hours in the backseat of our Yukon driving cross-country headphones plugged into the laptop watching Grey’s on DVD. For the last 10 years, from where I stand, it’s been a pretty real truth that almost nothing makes anything at least a tiny smidge better like an episode of Greys (especially if you throw it back to Season 2).

So you can imagine, last night after a ridiculously hard day when my head was pounding and I was just so ready to be done, that a brand new episode of Grey’s sounded like an absolute dream. However, the sobs shook my being from deep within when after 10 years (and a truly hideous quantity of hours spent together) McDreamy was lifeless and still, battered and bruised, connected to countless machines as his only means of sustaining life. Meredith stroked his beautiful pale face and told him he could go as I whispered “no, no, no” from the privacy of my own bedroom as tears streamed down my cheeks. And then, Derek died. He is gone. I wasn’t ready - I will NEVER be ready. I know the day will come when Grey’s will end (and truth be told, it should have happened a long time ago) but I love my friends at Seattle Grace, Seattle Grace Mercy West, Grey Sloane Hospital - and I’ll forever be willing to spend a Thursday night cozied up on the couch with them…it just feels right.

hope hurts...

“The person who waits on (depends on, trusts in) the Lord will find the strength to “mount up with wings like eagles.” By definition, soaring means to be far above the problems of life; it means seeing what’s happening on earth from God’s perspective. With soaring comes understanding; with understanding comes patience and contentment. Real true faith is man’s weakness leaning on God’s strength.“ D. L. Moody

Can we ever really see life from God’s perspective? I mean honestly…is that even something that can be attained? Absolutely we can read Scripture and live accordingly, we can memorize and meditate and stand on truth, we can pray the Lord would give us eyes to see life from His vantage point and not be distracted by our humanity or the world around us, but to be far above the problems of life seeing what’s happening on earth from God’s perspective? That sounds almost super-human and I feel so utterly skin and bones - undoubtedly made from dirt. I definitely think there are seasons in which I feel more capable of depending on or trusting in the Lord, and then there are moments in which that seems wholly impossible. This season has been far more arduous than I ever anticipated, and if I am really honest, the bumps in the road have rattled me to the core. I’m exhausted and yet it is pouring…the rain is falling and hasn’t seemed to let up.

A few weeks ago I went to a new doctor about all this head nonsense. I can’t really even begin to explain how tired I am of feeling awful and incapable and just not like myself. I was really hoping I would go and come out feeling really hopeful…instead I was a complete and utter disaster. I saw the neuro specialist on a Tuesday afternoon and was sick from Wednesday to Sunday…and not just a little bit sick, but the kind of sick where I threw up in front of a client and then spent days dry-heaving and and couldn’t get out of bed and literally didn’t eat anything. I think miserable is an understatement. I’m doing a little better now, but the truth is, I still just don’t feel good. I have more tests next week and there isn’t one tiny smidge of me that is looking forward to them. Yes, I want answers, I want to be hopeful, I want to think that somehow because of the poking and prodding and enduring I will come out the other side with resolution and some perfect plan that will bring me relief; but I am also so afraid to hope because what happens if all of this comes to nothing once again and I’m left in a puddle of tears with knives jabbing into the right side of my brain. Sometimes, hope just hurts.

Life is ever so much harder than I expected it to be. I trust the Lord and I hold fast to the truth that in this world we will have trouble, but to take heart knowing He has overcome the world. I know we were not promised a pain free road when we accepted Jesus and I eagerly anticipate heaven and the day in which total restoration will be ours - the day in which there will be no more pain or tears or sorrow. I know that HE HAS WON and yet for now I must live in this in between while I await what is to come and that is hard and it hurts and sometimes it feels desperately hallow and lonely, scary and dark. That is just honest and true and real. Sometimes just saying it out-loud is freeing, so there it is. Today soaring far above the problems of life feeling utterly impossible - and hope just kind of hurts.