hope hurts...

“The person who waits on (depends on, trusts in) the Lord will find the strength to “mount up with wings like eagles.” By definition, soaring means to be far above the problems of life; it means seeing what’s happening on earth from God’s perspective. With soaring comes understanding; with understanding comes patience and contentment. Real true faith is man’s weakness leaning on God’s strength.“ D. L. Moody

Can we ever really see life from God’s perspective? I mean honestly…is that even something that can be attained? Absolutely we can read Scripture and live accordingly, we can memorize and meditate and stand on truth, we can pray the Lord would give us eyes to see life from His vantage point and not be distracted by our humanity or the world around us, but to be far above the problems of life seeing what’s happening on earth from God’s perspective? That sounds almost super-human and I feel so utterly skin and bones - undoubtedly made from dirt. I definitely think there are seasons in which I feel more capable of depending on or trusting in the Lord, and then there are moments in which that seems wholly impossible. This season has been far more arduous than I ever anticipated, and if I am really honest, the bumps in the road have rattled me to the core. I’m exhausted and yet it is pouring…the rain is falling and hasn’t seemed to let up.

A few weeks ago I went to a new doctor about all this head nonsense. I can’t really even begin to explain how tired I am of feeling awful and incapable and just not like myself. I was really hoping I would go and come out feeling really hopeful…instead I was a complete and utter disaster. I saw the neuro specialist on a Tuesday afternoon and was sick from Wednesday to Sunday…and not just a little bit sick, but the kind of sick where I threw up in front of a client and then spent days dry-heaving and and couldn’t get out of bed and literally didn’t eat anything. I think miserable is an understatement. I’m doing a little better now, but the truth is, I still just don’t feel good. I have more tests next week and there isn’t one tiny smidge of me that is looking forward to them. Yes, I want answers, I want to be hopeful, I want to think that somehow because of the poking and prodding and enduring I will come out the other side with resolution and some perfect plan that will bring me relief; but I am also so afraid to hope because what happens if all of this comes to nothing once again and I’m left in a puddle of tears with knives jabbing into the right side of my brain. Sometimes, hope just hurts.

Life is ever so much harder than I expected it to be. I trust the Lord and I hold fast to the truth that in this world we will have trouble, but to take heart knowing He has overcome the world. I know we were not promised a pain free road when we accepted Jesus and I eagerly anticipate heaven and the day in which total restoration will be ours - the day in which there will be no more pain or tears or sorrow. I know that HE HAS WON and yet for now I must live in this in between while I await what is to come and that is hard and it hurts and sometimes it feels desperately hallow and lonely, scary and dark. That is just honest and true and real. Sometimes just saying it out-loud is freeing, so there it is. Today soaring far above the problems of life feeling utterly impossible - and hope just kind of hurts.