I don't fit...

I am 30 and single. I was single throughout the entirety of my 20’s. I have watched many of my friends fall in love and get married. Lots of them have babies now. I would love to tell you that throughout the previous decade, while they’ve been settled and responsible, I’ve been collecting hilarious stories from dating adventures that could fill this blog for days with riotous content that would keep you rolling. However, reality is I’ve never been asked on a real date. Nevertheless, that’s not really what this post is about. It’s not meant to be some sob story about my utter lack of a love life - I’m not begging for compliments or looking for a self-esteem boost. You see, I was pondering the extent to which the emotions have changed through the years and I was startled. I was texting with my lifelong Anna the other day about dating online and she was trying to get me excited by talking about things like getting dressed up and going out for dinner - let’s be honest - I’m 30 - an evening in yoga pants on the couch with one of my bests sounds WAY better than a night on the town in an uncomfortable outfit with a stranger. I remember the days when I used to be jealous of the girl getting dressed up and going on dates, wondering what it felt like to be noticed, wanted, somehow identified as something “more special” than all the others at least to that one guy. My Facebook feed used to be riddled with pictures of dating couples (now it is almost all babies - it’s SHOCKING how your feed changes the older you get!). Now I get jealous of my couple friends going out with other couples or my bests hanging out with other mommies on playdates. I AM THAT PERSON. My best Carrie is going on a trip to Hawaii with couple friends this fall and I know those pictures are going to be so hard for me to stomach. I don’t want to go on a date - I want a husband -one who fits with the group so we can jet set off on incredible adventures with the people I love - one that somehow makes me fit again. And I guess there’s the truth. The ugly bottom line. I’m 30 and single, and though my friends are wonderfully kind and compassionate and inclusive and in so many beautiful ways choose to make me feel like part of their families, I just don’t fit in quite the same way and seeing them with the people they do fit with makes me ache and long for the completion of my picture. It’s not to say that I don’t see my value or feel like wonderful can happen in this stage now…it’s just to say that I’m growing more acutely aware that I am one where so many of my favorites are two or three or four or five…