“…moving forward, however imperfectly, is so much braver than staying stuck” the words have replayed in my head on repeat since I read them last night. I can’t seem to let them go. I would like to tell you I am brave. And perhaps I am in some senses. For Christmas my dear friend Amanda gave me a necklace that says be brave and keep going…she said she picked it because it’s something she sees in me…my head hurts all the time and I choose to get up and face each day, to live boldly and loudly, to show up and pour out. Maybe that is brave. But I promise you there are areas of my life in which I am anything but.
As I ponder those words and let them settle over me, the most obvious area in which I lack any ounce of courage is dating. I am undoubtedly, wholeheartedly, (maybe for the very first time admittedly) stuck. Over the weekend I went to Steven’s wedding and watched with tear-stained cheeks as he blissfully became a husband. He was so nervous and so very excited. It was ridiculously darling. My go-to-guy is married. I want that. So what is standing in my way. I am 30 and single. And if I get really honest and exposed, I haven’t been asked on a date in years. Literally. So obviously something isn’t working for me. I think the truth, the nitty-gritty-ugly-don’t-really-want-to-admit-it-truth is, it’s me. I stand in my way. Insecurity. Indecision. Fear. I’ve never really thought of myself as an insecure person - in fact, I like to think I’m pretty confident. But when it comes to talking about dating, I crumble. I think most of my friends would tell you that when we have dating conversations I often end up in tears. I am just heart-broken over all of it. Some people have baggage because of what they’ve done in their dating lives - I have baggage because I have done nothing - I have been wanted by no one - and it is hurtful and incomprehensibly painful on some level for my tired and weary heart. I have longed for and hoped for and prayed for my husband and yet here I am - waiting - stuck waiting.
So maybe it is time. Maybe it is time to be brave and move forward. Maybe it is time to create that dag-nab online dating profile and just try. I start to quiver and shake just typing this because I have truly avoided this for so long. I don’t want to be the girl someone signs up to date. I want to be wanted. I want to be known for so much more than just who I appear to be in some online profile. But maybe I am allowing myself to stay stuck. Maybe I am preventing myself from moving forward. And I really do want to be brave.
2 comments:
I'm praying for you! Call me if you need to process anything- you know how I love it when people get brave and decide get themselves un-stuck. =)
Hey Shelly,
I think this is the most honest blog post you've ever written. I can understand your hesitation to on-line dating. Praying that you obey whatever God is calling you to do. There is no perfect path in the dating world or meeting a future spouse. IMO the fact that you haven't dated in years is great! Less baggage, less heartache, and less that your future husband will have to compete with. What you see as a downfall, I think is beautiful...a bride without blemish. Stay single, get married...life is challenging no matter what. The hardest part is being and staying in God's will.
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