I’ve been in many a wedding, I feel fairly confident in my ability to do the bridesmaid thing, I’ve even done the maid of honor thing once. It is a beautiful thing to stand beside a dear sweet friend as she prepares to walk down the aisle on her big day. I love the preceding festivities - the bridal showers and bachelorette parties. I love getting up early on the big day to hit up Starbucks and ensuring the barista properly labels the cups “bride” and “bridesmaids” and then heading to wherever we’re all getting ready with countless tote bags filled to the brim with curling irons, straighteners, economy sized bottles of hairspray, more bobby pins than one can possibly comprehend in blonde, brown, and black. Not to mention the makeup. OH MY GOODNESS the makeup - there are fabulous false lashes and eye shadow palettes galore, plus copious quantities of lipstick in every shade and finish imaginable - the super shiny and the matte - everyone brings their very best and the girly-girl in of me eats up every single minute of it. The morning often includes tearful and tender moments for me - moments where I catch the most beautiful glimpses of eager anticipation and complete joy - that bridal glow. Being a bridesmaid is heart-warming and special and even though it often means wearing a dress that isn’t the most comfortable or flattering and spending a lot of crazy cash, it’s always worth it to share in those final moments before a dear friend becomes a Mrs., to make those last single girl memories, and to end that season with the most joyful exclamation mark.
What I am realizing in this season of singleness that is seemingly unending, is that I really don’t know how to attend a wedding alone. The bridesmaid thing has almost become the easy way out. It’s fun and special and no one notices that you’re there alone because you sit at the head table and you’re with the bride and her girls all day. So what do you do when you’re not in the wedding and you’re just supposed to go? My friend Steven is getting married on Saturday - he and I have known each other our entire lives and were really close for much of our 20’s. I’m not currently in a relationship and don’t have a go-to date. Truth is, for most of the weddings I’ve attended, Steven was my go-to-guy. He went with me to Shalina’s wedding and to Carrie’s. Now it’s his turn to be the groom and I just feel so lost and alone. He has been engaged since fall 2014 and for months I have envisioned time and time again that moment where I walk into his ceremony space - feeling like the spotlight is on me - how obvious and apparent it will be that I’m alone - unmarried - not in a relationship - without a man on my arm. Logically I know that people aren’t going to be evaluating me. They aren’t going to count the seconds (or minutes) it takes me to determine where to sit. They are there for Steven and Lindsey, that’s all they’re going to care about. That is all that I should care about. So why is there this lump in my throat that I can’t seem to get over. Why do the tears continue to well up and threaten to spill over. Why does being single FEEL like such a valuation of worth?
I pray that I will go to Steven’s wedding on Saturday and be pleasantly surprised by how easy it is, that I’ll see him standing at the end of the aisle waiting for his bride and feel the swell of happy tears and true rejoicing from deep within - one of my lifelong friends has found the one he loves, I’m thrilled for him, it’s finally his turn. I pray that I will eat tacos and s’mores with my best friend Carrie (talk about a hot and SUPER FUN date!) and laugh a lot and that we’ll drive home chattering about how my wedding could be next and what a ridiculously gorgeous bride I will be. But mostly, I pray that I won’t listen to the lies I hear in my head or let the darts the enemy throws my way steal my joy; but will rest in truth - that my value is determined by my Creator and He sees me as beautiful, magnificent, and splendid.
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