easter

Easter was so different this year - and though it ended up being beautiful and a tremendous blessing - it was a time the Lord used to mold and shape me yet again. This season has been full of moments where He has come alongside and nudged me to grow, asked me to sit at the cross and consider what He might be teaching, and to look at Him for truth instead of listening to the feelings. 

This was the first year I didn’t spend Easter in San Diego with my family. For a variety of reasons, I chose to stay in Orange County and to go to my home church. What I didn’t totally anticipate when I made that decision is how it would once again force me to come to face to face with my singleness and the ever-present feelings of alone that seem to linger and gnaw at every turn. Because I wasn’t headed “home” I didn’t have family plans for the holiday - I didn’t have that built in lunch invitation - and I was astounded at how hard that truly was for me. Queue the tears. I have an incredible network of friends who have become like family up here and truly this is my home. I knew I would be welcomed and embraced by so many on Easter Sunday, but there was something about having to solicit the invitation that felt painful - something about having to ask for a place at the table versus being asked that somehow held me captive. That’s the space the Lord asked me to confront - because it is not of Him. I knew I was loved and wanted and yet my feelings told me I didn’t have a place to belong. I had to consciously choose to overcome my feelings, to defeat the enemy that told me I would probably be ok just spending the day alone (even though I was well aware of the nagging feeling that I would actually wallow in pity and emotional turmoil) and share my heart with a few select friends knowing they would extend the hand of grace and invite me to join them for Easter. Then even one step further I had to choose my response - because I asked for an invitation didn’t in any way diminish their desire for me to be present at their celebrations or detract from their hearts for me and I knew it. I couldn’t stand in the way of His best or allow myself to feel small and minimized. I had to be bold and confident even in a space that tends to make me feel somehow less than (even if that sounds arguably ridiculous). 

So when Easter Sunday came, I stood on the plaza at EvFree in my pink pants and my floral peplum top and greeted so many dear souls. I hugged friend after friend as they headed into church and my heart was truly so very glad. I had tender conversations with some of the sweetest people and shared moments that the Lord undoubted anointed and ordained for that very day. After church, I had lunch with my friend Robyn and her family - and it was delightful. They were incredibly hospitable and made me feel like the pleasure was all theirs. Plus there were champagne dark chocolate truffles with surprise pop rocks hidden inside - total win! It would have been enough if it ended there; but then I headed to spend the afternoon and evening with Amanda and her clan. There were tears on multiple occasions but not because I felt alone - because I was with family - because I was embraced and loved and so tremendously wanted. Amanda and I have been friends for almost 2 years now and we are exceptionally close, but in the past 6 months or so, her family has become increasingly precious as we have celebrated and shared in her journey toward “I do”. I wasn’t prepared for the gift it would be to walk into the house and have a resounding welcome and hugs from all directions. It was far more than I could have imagined and it was a beautiful gift.

This week has been spent writing thank you’s to the many who touched me on Sunday, who took time to tenderly hold my (fragile) heart and love me intentionally. Those feelings may all exist and undoubtedly I will have to look to Him and choose truth again and again - but on Easter Sunday - in His perfect way He made it clear that He has redeemed the sorrow and returned with hope and joy and a plan beyond comprehension. This season isn’t one I ever envisioned and it is one I continually learn to navigate anew, and yet He is near and that is so very good. May I continue to listen and grow and may this season be one that I reflect on someday and see as a time of great value and worth as I grew in Him through every toil and tear. May this season truly be His.