all the feelings about dating online...

I was challenged by one of my bests to write out all of my feelings about hitting the online dating scene. It is a real trigger for me - quick to bury me in tears (writing this will undoubtedly require kleenex and some recovery time). I do think there is tremendous value in getting it all out there, writing it down, maybe it will help me release it and let it go, or look at it on paper and see how pithy and ridiculous it really is. Or maybe it will reveal deep wounds that I need to dive into so I can pursue healing and growth. So here it goes…

I have never really been asked on a date and this feels like I am raising my hand and saying PICK ME, please, now is the time, here I am. It doesn’t feel like being noticed. It doesn’t feel like someone thinking I am pretty or special. It feels like someone read through a bunch of information about me, information I carefully curated so I would sound as good as I possibly can. It doesn’t feel like he can see my heart at all, but based on some meaningless factual information he decided I’m worth a try. Based on what he read (or the BEST pictures I posted) he’ll try me on like a pair of shoes. It feels like online shopping and there’s no need for a return policy, he can just let it go at the end and never respond again. It feels like the spark is missing and it isn’t special. 

It feels really empty and defeating to be 31 and never asked on a date. And sure you can say things like “going online is just the way everyone is doing it now” but it doesn’t feel that way - I have watched many of my friends fall in love without an online component, so it feels like a loss. It feels like I haven’t ever been picked or wanted. I guess it does feel like I’m not enough somehow. Or maybe it feels like I’m too much. I know that I am loud and bold and maybe that is intimidating. Maybe going online would make me more approachable - but I don’t know that I like that thought either - I want to be loved exactly as I am - and fully appreciated for the way God made me - I don’t want that to be masked or hidden. We all have strengths and weaknesses and undoubtedly a spouse is going to see the very best and the very worst but I guess I want to feel fully human and not somehow less real or seemingly 2-dimensional. 

I know beyond any doubt that the Lord is writing my story regardless of me. Whether I get online or not, if He has a husband for me, in His perfect timing that man will enter my life. This feels like I am stepping in and starting to write that story myself. Like I am saying “I am tired of waiting Lord and I am ready to meet Him now so here I go”. And I do believe that God could use the internet as a means of introducing me to someone I wouldn’t meet in another space of my life - I don’t meet people at work because I work at a tiny little company. I go to a big church so it seems like I would maybe meet someone there, I am super involved and invested, but it hasn’t happened. Ever. So maybe the Internet is a totally viable resource. It just still feels like I am meddling and taking it into my own hands. Maybe some of that is this church planted ideology of being pursued that I need to break out of because I absolutely think women can be involved and interactive in relationship. I have even made amazing friends online (hello Carrielove), so why does it feel different? I can’t answer that question. I wish I could.

Dating online sounds exhausting. Truly. I haven’t ever done it so I can’t know that - and maybe it would be super fun and I’d love it. But it sounds awful. Getting ready, going out, introducing myself and making small talk (which I hate by the way, I like to dive to the depths right away - which is kind of a no-go on a first date). Investing time into these potential relationships that really could go nowhere. Not to mention the amount of time trolling some online profile space. I want my life to be about so much more than dating. BUT I do want to get married. So is it making an investment in a spouse? I would absolutely invest the time in a relationship that I could see working in the future. A person that I knew and valued. I just don’t know or value these people. A friend once told me she viewed it as an opportunity to meet people she would spend eternity with. I love her heart in that - I guess I’m just not that holy. I’m not sure I can get on board with that idea either. I have so little time to give and I want to use it wisely - this feels like a giant waste.

I am 31 and single, and have never really dated. I have always believed the Lord was saving me from potential heartbreak or protecting me. Maybe that has been a defense mechanism to shield myself from being as hurt or disappointed by being the girl that never got asked out. Maybe that’s how I maintained confidence as I walked through life without ever having a guy to take to the wedding or the Christmas party. But if the Lord has been protecting me, am I throwing that away by going online now and dating people? Is my heart strong enough for that? I love fast and hard. Am I going to be crushed by this? Is it wise to avoid the online scene because of my tender heart or am I allowing fear to stand in my way? 

What if I date online and it doesn’t work out. Then what? I’m left in the same spot but without this potential option for finding a mate? I mean I guess you can date online FOREVER and there’s bound to be a new guy eventually. And timing is everything, right? So technically nothing has changed if it “doesn’t work out” in whatever time frame I originally designate as the allotted trial run. But still, what if it doesn’t work and then I really have nothing left to try? 

What if I’m really called to be single and all of this is futile? Because if I am called to be single and that’s truly His best for me, none of this is going to come to anything. And I know He is enough and will provide fulfillment and great joy and purpose and adventure regardless of my marital status. I have 10 amazing nieces and nephews and incredible friends that I get to run this race alongside. Maybe that is His gift to me and that is His desire for me - to show up and pour out and love loud and live for others. Maybe it just looks different for me than what I pictured and all of the confusion and complicated about dating online or not dating at all and the lack of peace in this is really related to just claiming and living in His picture for my life and letting go of mine. Finding joy in contentment with His story - trusting the Author. 

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SO…with all that out on paper I don’t know where I’ve landed. I think I’m going to have to sit in this and pray in this a while longer. Honest, vulnerable, messy - this post is enmeshed with it all. Now I will run to Jesus and see if together we can sort through some of it…