WE CAN BE HEROES

Over the weekend I had the amazing privilege of serving alongside a team of HEROES as we led Teen Leadership Camp 2019. I am overwhelmed by gratitude and truly rejoicing in an incredible weekend of laughter and freedom for a group of teens who so often feel overlooked, unseen, or simply unwanted. Their hearts are beautiful and they have learned strength and bravery as they have endured unthinkable circumstances. They have CHOSEN to step out of their stories - they refuse to let their past define their future possibilities. They have hopes and dreams and regardless of the many roadblocks and obstacles that appear in their path, they chase after growth and becoming. I admire each of them and consider it a gift to run alongside them.

Camp was a total blur of activity - 

there were sled dogs and flying squirrels (which was hilarious and SO FUN even to watch by the way) 

there was karaoke where virtually everyone did a personal take on bohemian rhapsody 

there was a late night game of capture the flag with a TON of glow sticks 

there was a morning spent on the high ropes course - everywhere you looked there were teens conquering fears and trying to take one more step 

there was craft time and pool time and free time on the soccer field

we had s’more at the firepit and because we had Reeses bars, they were extra delicious

our speaker was incredible and related so well to our teens - speaking truth, and inviting them to meet Jesus

we spent time affirming each other and recognizing the beauty in each person present at camp 

we created abstract art and each took home a piece of the magic that represents this beautiful family 

we ate camp food, praised the Lord for the salad bar, and consumed more snacks than is allowed in normal life 

it was exhausting and dirty and profoundly rich all at the same time

Our theme for the weekend was heroes and I am convinced it was the EXACT RIGHT CHOICE for us. 

Heroes are people who transform compassion (a personal virtue) into heroic action (a civic virtue) and in doing so, put their best selves forward in service to humanity. A hero is an individual or a network of people that take action on behalf of others in need, or in defense of integrity or a moral cause. 

You can be a hero - you can impact a life - and potentially change the world. 

a prayer.

It is all yours. Every hope and every dream must be surrendered and trusted to Your hands. I don’t want them without You - without Your blessing and without Your presence. You are what makes them good and meaningful. You are the beauty and You are the One calling me forth, ushering me toward better and more. If it isn’t of YOU it isn’t for me. So even though it feels as though I am giving up something that means everything - I am letting go and walking toward the very thing that matters most. I am growing and becoming in the exactly ways I need to. AND in the end, the answer very well could be YES - a yes that looks NOTHING like I expected and is far more glorious OR a yes that looks precisely like I thought, but in the timing You had in mind all along. Either way - only if it is of You. Remind me of that again and again - and give my feet a pathway forward that I would walk in obedience by faith. 

Chosen.

CHOSEN.

I pulled the perfectly engraved gold ring out of the box and tried not to feel entirely overcome. We had been dear friends for over a decade and though the language had changed from 22 to 34, the underlying current was undoubtedly the same - I CHOOSE YOU. 

I met J when I graduated from college and moved to Orange County. I was working at EvFree Fullerton in the business office and lunching on the regular with her big sister Becca. At some point I was invited to a SIMPLICITY women’s event and I’m pretty sure J had been roped into leading. I couldn’t tell you much about the event - but there were cupcakes and I have a vague recollection of J in hot pink pointy-toe heels. She has great style! 

Simplicity doesn’t exist anymore and our friendship quickly transitioned to STUDYING together. We had strict rules because we were both working on Master Degrees at the time. J teaches special education (like a boss) and I have an MBA and work as a Project Manager. That season was marked by the phrase “I will celebrate your life choices.” We were both wrestling and making decisions about WHO we were going to be - as independent women out on our own. We chose differently - and also very much the same. 

From there she bought a house and I moved in with roommates. There were boyfriends for her and so many friends getting married all around me. Both of our siblings had babies and we reveled in the JOY of being aunties (it is by far the best role in the world). We fell in love with brunching together and realized our true propensity for watching copious quantities of bravo television. We hosted an annual Oscar party with way too much food and not nearly enough people because we like to actually WATCH the show. We went wine tasting, occasionally ventured out to fancy-pants restaurants, and decided to LIVE the adventures now. And no matter how full life got, we reminded each other regularly, “I have space for you.” 

In the past two years or so, J got married to her match - NicNac. Initially I was surprised, she was a Redmond for LIFE…but then she met the one who made marrying worth it. I focused on loving foster teens, and fell in love with Africa. I also invested in my heart - and pursued deep healing. Truth-telling it was time for me to realize and believe that CHOSEN isn’t something that happens to you. It isn’t based on being seen by a man - it isn’t a worldly definition - it amounts to much more than that. You can allow yourself to be minimized or reduced OR you can stand tall in your worth and walk courageous and brave believing your value and understanding who you are. You were CHOSEN from the very beginning. You were CREATED with a purpose and you have significance in your soul. I made a decision that will not wrestle chosen anymore. I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN & I AM CHOSEN BY SO MANY. I will no longer feel unworthy. 

So, when I opened that little black box and a gold ring with Chosen was hidden inside, it so perfectly described this season. 

We are each Chosen.

The question is - will you live as if you are?

dear evan hansen

Last night I finally got to take in the magic that was Dear Evan Hansen.  

It was a long awaited event. One for which I had put my name on that “please alert me when tickets are available in my area” list - then sent an urgent and overly excited email to my friend Abigail Pearl when the email finally landed in my inbox alerting me that DEAR EVAN HANSEN WAS FINALLY COMING TO LA. We bought tickets almost instantly. Then waited again. I am one of those who prefers to savor the performance on the stage, so I didn’t listen to the music before the live event. I wanted to fully saturate in every bit of the spectacular. 

Before the first song was done I knew I was going to LOVE this musical. I wished so much that I was surrounded by CHOSEN teens. I wished that I could be watching and taking in the depths of the meaning behind all that was being expressed with my teens who need to know how much they matter. Dear Evan Hansen is full of the awkwardness that IS high school, the lonely and desperate to be seen that is social media, the desire for community that will never be fully met by typing words into a device, plus constant reminders that SOMEONE does see you, someone does care, and you are never really alone. Oh my stars it just made me want to hug my kids! 

It really was one of the best musicals I have seen in a long time. I was so grateful to spend those hours in a red velvet chair staring in wonderment at a stage of exceptionally talented individuals as they brought deep truths to life in a way that perhaps only music can. I sat there with all the feels - goosebumps and tears all in a singular second. 

(Abigail and I decided to get season tickets - so 2019 is the year of the arts! Cheers to so many more moments holding my breath while being enchanted by the stage!) 

to 2019.

SO STRANGE that 2018 is now in the past. It was a good year in so many ways - a year full of showing up and loving my people - even if that meant getting on planes and flying to Texas or St. Louis to do so. I am so grateful that God gave me a year to breathe - a year where joy came easy and hope was in full supply. 2018 was a year of chasing after Jesus, trusting that He is writing my story and that even in unfamiliar and unexpected circumstances - the outcome will be better than anything I can put to paper on my own. It was a year where my heart beat fiercely for Rwanda and the tears welled up continuously as I prayed for those I held close from continents away. A year where every time “What a Beautiful Name” by Hillsong was part of worship, I could close my eyes and see the faces of our Rwandan campers play like a slideshow in my mind. It was a year of learning to trust God alone for approval and affirmation and rest solely on His validation - that was one of the hardest aspects of the year - and one of the most beautiful all the same. 2018 was a year in which I caught glimpses of the great gift it is to be present in this season alongside my dear friends who are raising up their families - the overwhelming laughter that is made possible as I dive in wholeheartedly to fun-making with their littles. I might not be able to do all this if I had my own family and I am so thankful the Lord has given me tiny pictures of the wonderment He has made possible in the midst of the waiting and the obediently walking in faith. 

NOW it is 2019, an entirely new year. I am not really one for audacious goal-setting or big dream making. I want to keep chasing after Jesus. I want to keep showing up. I want to read His word and know His heart, hear His voice, trust His way. I want to continue to grow and become and to adventure with audacious faith and bold enthusiasm. I want Christ to be my greatest dream. 

So bring it 2019 - and let’s look back with GREAT JOY and confidently say we lived it well.

better Shel

People ask me all the time, “so what is new with you, Shel?” and the answer is really simple - nothing except me…I change in tiny almost imperceptible ways, but my life is pretty much the same. 

>> I still work as a Project Manager at AkinsParker - a full-service design and advertising agency in downtown Santa Ana. It is a good job at a great company and although it is work, I am confident it is a place I am growing and doing something I am gifted in to serve others. 

>> I live in Newport Beach with my roommate Andrea, and although I do walk on the trail occasionally, I still don’t actually know how to drive from my house to the beach - it is pathetic. I do know how to get to Fashion Island, the movie theater, and Balboa Island - AND I know exactly how to get back to Brea / Fullerton to do all the things I am used to there - proving I am far too dependent on habit and routine. 

>> I lead CHOSEN, the ministry to teens impacted by the Foster Care System in Orange County and continue to find myself amazed at how God is working and moving and using club to draw me to Him. I come to Him with joy, with gratitude, in humility for the gift and privilege of leading these teens and the incredible mentors. I also come to Him with a multitude of questions. CHOSEN brings me to my knees and begs me to seek Him and find Him. It is one of the very best things in my life for sure. 

>> I love Rwanda without question or hesitation and think about it often - I miss my friends there - and the slideshow of campers’ faces plays unprompted when I close my eyes and moves me to tears far more often than I would expect since I have been home for three (3) months now. I actually went to an African American church on Sunday and as I listened to their most joyful outpouring of worship, I could not contain my smile or the tears as I pictured myself surrounded by the campers, their voices singing, their feet pounding in rhythm. I pray I will forever be THIS grateful for that experience and that my heart will stay this tender toward the Kingdom. 

>> I continue to attempt to date online even though I find it HILARIOUS and so very strange. I have had several unsuccessful attempts - and yet - THAT is where the men are these days, right?! SO I will keep trying…and unreservedly saying "PASS" to those who do not meet my expectations FULLY BELIEVING I will not miss the man God has for me. In His time...

>> I am overwhelmingly blessed to have so many friends who have allowed me to become family and choose to call me Aunt Shell. My mini-besties bring unsurpassed joy and have soothed an aching and longing place in my heart. The gift of their laughter the wonder of adventuring alongside them cannot be fully expressed.

it is not lost on me that God led me out of this country to change my heart in monumental ways - He led me away from the comforts of home…away from my nearest friends and those I call family to mold and shape me. I have lived in the weight and grappling of darkness and I know to appreciate the glimmers of light. Throughout the past two years I have grown and changed - I have set new boundaries, established new patterns. I have learned to live well my season - to admit the lonely and the longing without allowing it to overtake me, to truly dance in the bittersweet, to give much and still choose me. I am a better Shel - healthier and more whole; I may still be in the desert - but I see Jesus here and tangibly know the possibility of blooming, even in this place. I really am so very grateful. I will continue to pursue hope and to chase Jesus wherever He will lead me - alongside the still waters or into a wilderness thicker and more dense with challenge than those I've known thus far. I trust Him and KNOW He is good - regardless of what I see or understand. I want to keep opening my hands and walking forward in faith - that will never be easy, but it will always be best; and it will always be my path to becoming a better Shel. 

the Jesus I know...

In 2006, I was a junior and a student leader at California Baptist University. I vividly remember the day Soulforce came to campus as part of their Equality Ride. According to an article in Christianity Today that was published on March 9, 2006, “The seven-week bus tour will take 35 gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, and straight 18- to 28-year-olds to colleges with behavior codes that Soulforce calls discriminatory.” CBU was one of the schools they visited. As a student leader, I was asked to participate in a panel discussion to hear the stories and experiences direct from the Soulforce visitors, and have conversations aimed at understanding. 

It was one of the most enlightening days of my life up to that point. I was a Christian, but I hadn’t really been asked to wrestle in my faith. I mean, there was this one time in high school when Anna told our friend that he was going to hell because he was a Mormon and we all know that wasn’t the best way to handle the situation, but I had grown up in a conservative Christian family and hadn’t experienced much opposition to my belief system. I didn’t know a ton about homosexuality when the panel began. I knew God created man and woman and I knew I believed firmly in the inherency of Scripture. But as the discussions concluded I understood one thing far more clearly: the church and individual Christians had contributed to deep wounds that were unresolved in the hearts of the people I had met and interacted with that day. I was heartbroken and there was this unsettled sense stirring within me. It led to a resolution: we had to do better because THAT version of displaying the love of Christ was not a reflection of the Jesus I knew.

In 2014 some of the right people believed in me enough to spur me on and set into motion dreams I didn't even dare to fully realize. CHOSEN came to life that year - one of the most beautiful gifts the Lord has ever given me. It has required me to step up and in, to become, to rely on Him, to seek wisdom and find strength to run and then keep running. He has never failed. Right now, 5 years later, I find myself on my knees constantly as I desperately hope to lead well, love well, serve well. I long to shine the light of Christ without wounding. I am stepping out in faith, navigating these very waters with teens I know by name and have walked alongside for years. I want them to see the Jesus I know - I want them to meet Him through me. THIS is what that day was for.  

2006 was 12 years ago now. So much life has happened. Even still I can picture the exact place I sat in that room in the Student Life Center of the Yeager Building at CBU (now there is a Chick-fil-A across the hall - THAT SHOULD FOR SURE tell you things have changed. I can promise you we weren’t swiping our meal cards for a #1 with an unsweetened arnold palmer in MY DAY on campus!). That day my eyes were opened to the hurt that motivated Soulforce to embark on that Equality Ride. That day it was confusing and overwhelming. Today I am abundantly grateful and consider it a gift of God's kindness to me. He allowed me to be present in that room for those conversations. That stirring was appointed and intended for such a time as this.

GIFTS THAT GIVE MORE...

October is fair trade month, so as we close out the early fall and head straight toward the holidays, I thought I would share some of my very favorite places to purchase incredible products that are ethically sourced and many have a purpose beyond sheer consumption. Many of these items were made by artisans in another country and purchases dramatically impact quality of life and allow for education or access to healthcare. Some were made by women who have been rescued from sex trafficking and are finding a new life. Some have give back components so a certain dollar amount or percentage is provided directly to a certain tribe or people group within a country or region in need.

1. NOONDAY COLLECTION.

https://laurensanders.noondaycollection.com/

This is my very favorite place to get jewelry, or handbags, plus a few Christmas ornaments and even a Kimono. These pieces are made by artisans in various countries, are sold by women in the U.S. and a percentage of each sale supports adoption.

2. STARFISH PROJECT 

https://starfishproject.com/

There is some beautiful jewelry available for purchase and these pieces help women coming out of exploitation. 100% of your purchase is reinvested - and you’ll get a little card that tells you who made your product, so it is incredibly personal.

3. UBUNTU LIFE

http://www.ubuntu.life/

All products are handmade in Kenya. Ubuntu Life is actually a non-profit so 100% of all profits support social impact programs - that means jobs, health, and education. 

4. PREEMPTIVE LOVE

https://preemptivelove.shop/

These products are made by refugees out of Iraq. There are candles, soaps, and the most incredible little dolls that are distinctly different than anything you’ll see in the states and give you a story to share with those you encounter. 

5. SELA DESIGNS

https://www.seladesigns.com/

This jewelry is all made from eco-friendly and ethically sourced products and is handmade in the USA. Additionally, 100% of profits are donated to charity. 

6. KROCHET KIDS 

https://www.krochetkids.org/

I have several clothing items from Krochet Kids as well as beanies. They have now also released bags and housewares. Everything is beautiful and each product is hand-signed by the person who made it. The stories of the individual makers are available for you to read so you can know how each purchase makes a sustainable impact in a life somewhere in the world.

7. PURPOSE 

https://www.purposejewelry.org/

This jewelry is beautiful and each purchase changes lives as it provides freedom for women escaping human trafficking. The proceeds support International Sanctuary, a non-profit that provides employment, education, medical care, & counseling to these women.

8. TRIBE ALIVE 

https://tribealive.com/

These products are handmade by female artisans who are considered at-risk. These women are empowered by employment to rise out of poverty. 

9. GLOBE IN

https://globein.com/

You can purchase unique products from all over the globe that are sourced from artisans and support developing countries where are the second largest source of employment. There is also an option to purchase a subscription to a monthly Artisan Box that is curated and allows for crowd-funding of a specific project. 

10. SHINE PROJECT 

https://theshineproject.com/

These handmade jewels employ first generation college students! 

11. SAK SAUM

https://saksaum.myshopify.com/

My personal favorite is the Anna Wallet made from recycled cement bags by women in the Saang District of Cambodia who are in rehabilitation after exploitation. 

12. THE GIVING KEYS

https://www.thegivingkeys.com/

These beautiful necklaces provide jobs to individuals transitioning out of homelessness. The idea is that you wear the necklace with a word of inspiration stamped boldly on the front and then - when the right moment comes - you pass it on to someone else in need. 

13. ABLE 

https://www.livefashionable.com/

I only have a few pieces from ABLE (an amazing bag, a great jean jacket) but the brand is focused on ending generational poverty. They pay fair wages to workers and invest in women. They are also completely transparent in their reporting - which is radical and may have an impact on the fashion industry as a whole.

14. RICE LOVE 

https://ricelove.org/

If you buy one of these bags, you provide 1 kilo of rice (approximately 12 meals in total) to a family in need. The bags themselves are made from burlap and re-purposed authentic Rice Bags. They are beautiful and have so much purpose.

15. WESTROCK COFFEE

https://www.westrockcoffee.com/

Rwandan Coffee is delicious and my heart is in Rwanda - so this one shouldn’t come as any surprise to you! Westrock Coffee is invested in the lives of the farmers and their families - this is FAIR TRADE COFFEE and it can be purchased at a reasonable price. There is no reason to ever purchase coffee at Costco again - buy on Amazon and know that your dollars are impacting coffee farmers IN RWANDA . This small change in where you purchase leads to sustainable growth and improved agricultural practices that will ultimately aid in providing for basic necessities such as education, access to clean water, and healthcare needs. WE NEED TO MAKE THIS SHIFT WITH OUR PURCHASING POWER.

16. THIRTY ONE BITS

https://31bits.com/

This started as a jewelry company but ultimately has expanded to provide an abundance of products that empower artisans around the globe with dignified jobs. 

17. PARKER CLAY

https://www.parkerclay.com/

These beautiful hand crafted goods are made in Ethiopia in partnership with Women at risk. Purchases mean an investment in a better life for an Ethiopian woman or family and ultimately, prayerfully, a cultural shift or change.

18. BRANDED COLLECTIVE

https://www.brandedcollective.com/

This jewelry empowers survivors of human trafficking. There is a letter stamped onto each piece that represents the specific story of the survivor and you can hear the voices of those who have overcome much to pursue dreams anew.

19. SHOP-TROVE

https://shop-trove.com/

Half the world’s population lives on the equivalent of $2 per day. Shop-Trove believes in creating jobs, celebrating artisan craft & culture, paying fair wages, designing affordable, stylish & inclusive products & then educating consumers about sustainable choices. These clothes are darling. They’re made in various countries around the globe (including Rwanda) and you can rock them and tell people WHY you are choosing to wear something that impacts others.

20. THE SHOP FORWARD - ESPWA 

https://www.theshopforward.com/products/4-things-custom-tote-bag

This tote is customizable and it supports spreading hope in Haiti! 

21. MILK AND HONEY TEES

https://www.milkandhoneytees.com/

These are ethically sourced t-shirts and each purchase gives back to Africa New Life’s Dream Beauty Program - offering job training, childcare, and discipleship to vulnerable women in Rwanda! 

22. BETTER LIFE BAGS 

https://betterlifebags.com/

Their mission is to hire women with various employment barriers and train them to make the custom leather and fabric bags (and now earrings! and at Christmas AMAZING STOCKINGS!). I don’t actually HAVE a bag, but they are darn cute! 

23. THE ROOT COLLECTIVE

https://therootcollective.com/

There are not a lot of places to get ethically made shoes - but these are DARN CUTE ONES. They’re a more expensive price point, but they are comfortable and they last! Your purchase o these shoes make life better for the artisans who make them as they provide much needed jobs. 

24. CUDDLE + KIND

https://cuddleandkind.com/collections/hand-knit-dolls

These are about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. If you are going to a baby shower and need a gift, LOOK NO FURTHER! The purchase of one darling hand-knit doll provides 10 meals to children around the world. 

25. CAUSEBOX

https://causebox.com/about

This is a monthly subscription that will introduce you to an abundance of incredible products that support socially conscious companies and products that do good. They  partner and sever different charities to raise funds, reach people, and tell their stories. SO WORTH IT. 

When I got home from Rwanda, my thought process about consumption and wealth changed dramatically. My love language is gifts and I adore choosing and intentionally investing in gifts for those I love. I also love that now I can take pride and have a deep sense of gratitude in knowing that these purchases have value beyond just the actual giving of an object - they impact lives beyond what I will ever see. My spending choices really do matter. It is something to consider this holiday season…and throughout all our days to come! 

fairytales and magical wishes...

I was sitting at dinner last night (in downtown Disney I might add - which is utterly ridiculous and very near the place where dreams come true, which adds another layer of ba-hum-bug to the rest of this story - especially when you know that our waitress told us to “have a magical night” on multiple occasions) and these words came out of my mouth “I just don’t believe it anymore”. I believe God has a plan for me; I even believe it is a good and mighty plan. I am on board for it and I will follow Him as He leads. That said, I just do not believe in the fairytale anymore. 

I do not (not even the slightest bit) expect that some guy is going to choose me. I am 33-years-old and I’ve never been the girl he picked - never. I didn’t have a boyfriend in high school, not in college, and not since. I have done the dating online thing and we’ll call that an epic failure. I went out with two guys and I got friend zoned by one and rebuked by the other - after a year of vigilant emailing and pursuing. It is not for lack of trying friends. So I guess I just don’t see it happening any time soon. I will fully admit that I don’t have that “vibe” (whatever that means). I’m not the girl who is screaming “come talk to me for a good time” with my body language or my clothing choices. I am not hanging out in bars and clubs and I don’t really like to dance. So that one is on me. If a guy did flirt with me, he would probably have to try pretty hard to get me to notice; but, if he gave me his number I would probably catch that, and I can guarantee you THAT hasn’t happened. I am also completely convinced I am not a hermit crab - I am out there. I may not be super provocative, but I’m doing all kinds of things all the time. If there was a guy out there looking, I’m fairly certain he could find me. Plus I like to believe that God is bigger than me or him and has control over ALL THE UNIVERSE and I don’t have to try to orchestrate it or make it happen. 

Nonetheless, I just admitted I don’t really believe in “it” anymore - so maybe we’re back to square one and I should have just asked for some pixi dust from my magical wishing waitress. 

forward and away.

Last night I went to a dinner with people who were once my people but are clearly not my people anymore. I was proud of myself for not being anxious as I drove toward the event. I had prepared my heart and let go of expectations. I wasn’t looking for their acceptance or approval, I understood fully my worth isn’t measured by their response. I was hopeful and perhaps even eager.  

It was a LOVELY dinner. We laughed together, celebrating our shared experience. The food was delicious (though we did miss, at least for a second, the African buffet). We talked about how it felt like our Thanksgiving and there was certainly much to be grateful for. Outside of all we had actually shared in Rwanda - all we saw, tasted, and took in together - I have learned and grown because of our adventure. I have sat at the feet of Jesus and searched my heart perhaps like never before. I still don’t fully know or understand what God is saying - I am still trying to find my feet - but I am confident in my calling and sure of my heartbeat for the nations and for Rwanda specifically. I have no doubt I was supposed to be there and that He knew in advance that team would be there together. None of it was a mistake and all of it will have great reward - even amidst the costs. I am also sure this team is no longer my place. There are certain people who own places in my heart. They are dear and loved and there are miracle stories of all God did to bring us to Rwanda together, to unite our lives and to carry us close while we traveled far. Nevertheless as I drove home and the tears began to fall, the hallow was deep and aching, and it was abundantly clear my path forward was away from this group I once called my own. 

I wish I could say I didn’t care - that it didn’t hurt and I wasn’t disappointed - but I am. As I told Amanda about the evening I cried admitting that there is now one more place in the world I don’t belong. This season makes me ache. I have to ask people to make space for me - I have to ask to be seen and remembered. I have been building new relationships, investing in them, and giving much of myself to others for so many years in this (seemingly endless) season of singleness. I am grateful, and I am exhausted, and on days like today I feel like I am running out of steam. I trust that God is kind and has a plan - I hope that something good is coming - and I also just want to get under the covers for a little while and turn out the lights.