bury the dreams...

Yesterday I found out my childhood best friend, Anna, is having a girl. I wish I could somehow explain the surge of conflicting emotions that flooded me as I looked at that darling picture of three swimsuits - one for daddy, one for mommy, and one for baby girl Garcia. I was instantaneously SO excited - Anna wanted a girl so bad - she has been calling “it” a “her” since the very beginning. We have prayed for this sweet little girl and we want her so badly! I truly could not be happier for Ann! The joy is deep and being Aunt Shell to her bitty is going to be such a tremendous gift. However, as I glimpsed at that picture, the tears welled up in my eyes and I felt myself burying the dreams yet once again. You see I don’t have a single memory of life without Anna. She was literally my very best friend growing up - she was the only friend I was allowed to spend the night with, she came to every birthday party (and brought chicken pox with her one year), together we did dance classes, AWANA (where we RULED at the two-legged race in the Awana Olympics), children’s choir, youth choir, played dress-up and barbies and school, we went to the same high school, took lots of AP classes, visited numerous countries in Europe with the Red Robe Choir, went to World Changers, took pictures for prom in her backyard, we went on family vacations to Carlsbad State Beach every single summer where we played hours of Canasta and Yahtzee, painted nails and made lanyards, a vast majority of the clothes I wore as a little girl were hand-me-downs from Anna - our memories are literally endless. In 2007 we both graduated with our undergraduate degrees. In May I left for World Changers while Anna was waiting for word on acceptance to med school. While I was gone, Anna and Daniel got engaged and before I got home, they were married and I started to bury the dreams. I can’t tell you how many tears I’ve shed over missing Anna’s bridal shower, bachelorette, and wedding. Those were moments I KNEW we would share. Never for a second did I think I would be the bridesmaid in the program that couldn't attend the actual ceremony. But even more than that, I feel like I missed out on double dating with her, talking about boys and falling in love together, something I just always envisioned. Fast forward 7 years and I’m burying the dreams yet again. This time it looks a little different…this time I’m saying goodbye to raising our kids together. I know I will be Aunt Shell and she will be Aunt Anna, but I wanted desperately to have a little girl the same age as Anna’s little girl. I wanted them to grow up as best friends and make a lifetime of memories. I know that my friendship with Anna is extremely rare - most people don’t get to know someone FOREVER - but I do. Anna is my FOREVER FRIEND. I think deep down I always thought we would pass that gift on. And yes, there is a possibility I could have a kid with her at some point in the future. But let’s be realistic - I am not currently in a relationship so we’re talking at least 3-5 years before I’m having any children. Anna will likely have at least one more in that time period, which will leave me further and further behind. I know it doesn’t diminish our friendship and of course I will be around to love on her kids and I have no doubt she’ll love on mine. I just never realized how deeply those little seeds of hope were rooted and how much it would hurt to let them go.

my love language...kate spade...

I am anything but educated in the world of fashion and high-end products. I’m totally a target / gap / sometimes old navy / nordstrom rack / TJMaxx kinda shopper. However, I do have a slight obsession with and deep love for almost all things Kate Spade. She is my love language. Everything is bold and bright and striped and polka dotted and she believes in glitter, which makes my heart beat just a little bit faster.

My friends know that Kate is a sure-fire way to my heart. Over the years, I have developed a fun little collection thanks to generous and lovely people like Megan McAlpine, Jenny Redmond, Emily Diaz, Rachel Williams and Rebecca Madsen. I love putting on jewels and thinking about the person who gifted them to me…the bracelet Emily gave me for being her maid of honor or the bracelet R left on my bed for our one-month friendiversary, the bracelet Gan gave me for my 29th birthday and the perfect pink earrings Kenz gave me the morning I left for my first trip to Hawaii. Every memory is special and I love that jewelry encapsulates all that.

In addition to gifts, I’ve also invested in the collection myself in celebration of birthdays, graduations, tax returns, and sometimes just a job well done or a week survived! Thankfully Kate has sales from time to time and I often find her stuff at heavily discounted prices in places like Nordstrom Rack and TJMaxx and just cannot help myself. Her stuff is just my favorite.

Do you love Kate Spade? Do you have a different “favorite” designer?
 
(The picture above includes most of my collection, but there are a few pieces I couldn’t find online and lots LOTS more that I’m sure I would LOVE to have!)

matchy mcmatchersons

I have this awesome friend named Ally. She is hilarious and quirky and always looks super cute. She wears BOLD brights and lots of polka dots and has the confidence to rock absolutely anything she puts on. She also manages to find the BEST chunky accessories at Kohls, which BAFFLES ME because I almost never find anything there (other than all the Lauren Conrad stuff, which is right up my alley!). Anyway, Ally and I are in the same Bible Study this summer and TWICE now we have shown up wearing the same EXACT outfit. The first time it happened I was shocked. I saw her walking across the parking lot and thought, “no, surely she is not wearing the same navy blue and hot pink striped dress I am…” and sure enough she was…with gold accessories and similar shoes to top it off. Then, the VERY NEXT WEEK, we both arrived wearing (brand new) pink polka dot tops (thanks Old Navy - so cute!). I literally could not believe it. What are the chances. I am still totally tickled. We did not plan it either time, but obviously we both have AMAZING taste and look darling virtually all the time! We have bible study tonight and I'm wearing stripes...I wonder what my girl Ally has on...

my friends are having babies and i'm loving on foster kids...

Last summer I went to Teen Leadership Camp for the very first time and instantly my heart was captured and a new passion was born. Working with teenagers who have been impacted by the Foster Care System is heart-breaking and yet full of hope. They are the strongest kids I’ve ever met with stories that are devastating and include moments no child should have ever experienced. However, at camp, for this brief moment in time, they’re the same as everyone else, they have the same struggles, and they can fully relate to one another. For this one weekend every summer they get to just be kids and it is incredible to watch them laugh, play soccer for hours on end, paint nails all through the night, eat ridiculous amounts of junk food and candy, raise their hands in worship, and feel truly loved, accepted, and worthy EXACTLY as they are.

This summer I was on the leadership team for camp and spent several months planning everything out. Camp was June 20-22 and everything went as well as we could have hoped and again we were able to create this special space where these broken kids were full of life and joy. I really can’t explain what an amazing thing it is to watch and be part of. It is one of my greatest joys in life. This summer I was the “Queen of Fun” and led all kinds of ridiculous games. We played things like ATTACK OF THE FISHIES and BALLOON POP FRENZY, we did the Twinkie Dance and had a Comedy Sportz night. We were undoubtedly ridiculous, but that’s kind of what camp is all about, right? Being all kinds of crazy and loving every moment of it. TLC is my favorite weekend of the year.

I’ve been home for just over 2 weeks now, and I already miss the kids like crazy funky. I hate that they have to wait until next June to be reunitned. SO…In addition to camp, we’ve decided to create a “club” which will closely resemble a youth group for our kids to come to once a month. We’ll have games and worship and a speaker and FOOD and give the kids a place to connect with one another and many of the camp counselors. Hopefully it will be a place where they can re-establish their feelings of being loved and wanted and celebrated as they grow. A place where healthy adult relationships are modeled and real conversations can take place. A place where the foundations for a healthy and successful future are laid. I am so honored to be directing club alongside one of my dear friends Rachel and I have no doubt the Lord has great things in store for us. There is much to still be determined and I don’t fully know what will unfold, but I can’t wait to see the Lord at work and truly praise Him for allowing me to have any part of His journey with these kids. I absolutely love them!

and...she is married...

Over the weekend, one of my dearest and most beautiful friends got married...

 I met Rebecca MacKenzie in the summer of 2008 - she was the newest employee at Ev. Free Fullerton and she was just a year younger than me. We connected initially over coffee breaks and lunch dates but quickly became dear friends. That fall, I introduced Kenz to my best friend from college (yay CBU!!) Megan McAlpine and a true trio was born. We spent a ridiculous amount of time at The Diz, went on the Great Cupcake Crawl, made annual trips to the San Clemente Beach house, visited museums and zoos and landmarks galore, went wine tasting in Santa Barbara, took weekend trips to San Luis Obispo and San Francisco, attempted to ride the great balloon but settled for the carousel, celebrated birthdays and Christmases together with ice-skating and fancy dinners and sand-filled salads, became connoisseurs of happy feet, conquered more shopping trips to GAP and ANTHRO than could ever be counted, went to movies, watched the Oscars, proved our television athleticism (though Kenz is waaaay behind Gan and me) with ALL the Harry Potter movies, GIRLS, and The Mole, drank unspeakable quantities of coffee and generally lived life together. We have been adventuring together since 2008 - we’ve had 6 great years.

Kenz is one of the kindest and most generous people I know. She has a true servant’s heart and will do absolutely anything to help anyone she cares about. She is a gem of a friend and I will truly miss seeing her everyday. You see Kenz isn’t just my friend, she was also my roommate! Kenz and I have been roommates since the fall of 2011 and it has been SO EASY to share my home with her! She is undoubtedly one of the easiest roommates in the world! She is quiet and cleans up after herself. Honestly my biggest complaint was that she is always cold and I am always hot so the air conditioner was not her friend in the same way it is mine! Ha! Things could be MUCH worse!

On Saturday I watched Kenz walk down the aisle from my prime viewing location - the very front. She was radiant. The tears welled up as this incredible woman and dear friend made promises to spend forever loving Jason with all her heart. Jason is a seriously blessed man. And Kenz is a lucky lady. Jason makes her lighter somehow - she laughs a little easier and acts a little goofier. They literally sparkle when they are together. It’s totally corny and adorably perfection. It was my honor to stand beside them and commit to encouraging them as they serve Christ together and walk into this new season of their lives. Being a bridesmaid is always WAY MORE FUN when you’re completely confident and wholeheartedly in love with the couple. So CHEERS to Rebecca and Jason - Mr. and Mrs. Madsen - this bridesmaid LOVES you!

29

This has undoubtedly been one of the most challenging seasons of my life. I feel like I have waged war with every foreseeable opponent. From battling constant and debilitating headaches to searching endlessly for value in my once was dream job and picking up the pieces of my broken heart as friend after friend announced a new chapter and adventure in her life would soon begin. I have said goodbye to virtually every childhood dream and expectation and found myself wondering deeply when and or if I would ever have a reason to celebrate. There are days my real desires seem buried so deep that I fear even the conscious thought of them would cause an eruption within me that would render me incapable of recovery and literally destroy me. The wounds are real and raw and my heart aches in a way I don't think I knew it could. 

Nevertheless, in the midst of the darkness, I have seen fractals of light radiate around and within me. I have seen redemption and healing and restoration even within areas of my heart that I thought were whole. I have found new feet to stand on, new dreams to reach for, and new friends to walk with. I have striven to ensure that as I proceed into the vast unknown I hope for a future that though it may look far different than ever anticipated will exceed every expectation. I do not know what the future holds but I know I will not be walking into the darkness alone. There are brave and strong warriors who are champions of my heart and have proven themselves faithful even when I faltered. They will help me write my story and keep me walking forward and I will forever be grateful. 

To those who have faithfully upheld me and made the unbearable days go by, I thank you. For being present and lovingly embracing me exactly where I am. You are part of my journey and I love living life with you!

big dreams

I am in a peculiar station in life. I have dreams, big dreams, but there are some missing pieces - missing pieces like a husband and a place to call home that is suitable for a child. I sometimes feel like if I stop to actually think about the things I truly want in life, the very contemplation will crush me and my insides will explode. But here is the truth, I want to love with all my heart. I want to love kids that aren't mine - to adopt, to foster - to be brave enough to call one of God's kids my own. I want it so badly it almost hurts. And I know I will do it - I know it is going to break me, wreck me, hurt like hell - but I also know I am called to it and that He will be strength in my weakness.

I just watched this heart-wrenching video on foster care - an inside glimpse of the torturous and overwhelmingly painful reality some of these kids have lived in. In June I will be headed back to TLC - a camp for foster kids - a weekend escape filled with laughter and sometimes tears and incredibly gut-wrenching truths. Videos like this remind me how valuable and imperative being involved and invested in these kids truly is.

If you're ready to have your heart break and simultaneously want to hug a kid tight, spend the next 12 minutes watching this...I sincerely hope it changes you!

ReMoved from HESCHLE on Vimeo.

let me be your star

Grey's Anatomy is undoubtedly my very favorite television show of all time. However, I have been called a television athlete at least a time or two by those who know me well...because I have A LOT of shows, perhaps even a lot of favorite shows. That said, SMASH will go down in history as one of my all-time-faves! I am still sad that it was cancelled after only two extraordinary seasons. I knew when it got moved to Saturday nights that things were looking stark, and I was right, at the close of the season, the lights on this Broadway inspired phenomenon went out for good.

The series began in February of 2012 and was officially cancelled on May 10, 2013...almost an entire year later, my Spotify STILL opens to "The Music of Smash" and more often than not, you'll find me at my desk plugging away, while being serenaded by showtunes. I'm SUCH a Broadway nerd!

Anyway, that's my random thought for the day...that and that if I ever get the chance to stand behind the curtain, to experience the moment before it all begins, where a theatre is transformed into an alternate universe and literally anything is possible, THAT will be a dream come true! I will forever crave the splendor of live theatre! There is just something in it that makes my heart beat a little faster in the best possible way!

playing on repeat...

Christina Perri has always been a favorite. Always. Her voice is luscious coupled with eerily enticing harmonies and lyrics that will tear you apart. Her new album released on Monday and the hopefully haunting songs are playing on repeat in my world. "The Words" is my very favorite...


all of the lights land on you
the rest of the world fades from view
and all of the love i see, please please, say you feel it too

all of the noise i hear inside
restless and loud, unspoken and wild
and all that you need to say, to make it all go away, is that you feel the same way too

and i know, the scariest part is letting go
'cause love is a ghost you can't control
i promise you the truth can't hurt us now
so let the words slip out of your mouth

and all of the steps that led me to you
and all of the hell i had to walk through
but i wouldn't trade a day, for the chance to say, my love i'm in love with you

and i know, the scariest part is letting go
'cause love is a ghost you can't control
i promise you the truth can't hurt us now
so let the words slip out of your mouth

i know that we're both afraid
we both made the same mistakes
an open heart is an open wound to you
and in the wind of a heavy choice
love has a quiet voice
still your mind, now i'm yours to choose

and i know, the scariest part is letting go
let my love be the light that guides you home
and i know the scariest part is letting go
'cause love is a ghost you can't control
i promise you the truth can't hurt us now
so let the words slip out of your mouth.

my best week yet...

It’s HIGH FIVE FOR FRIDAY time! The past week was one of my very favorites ever…FOR SURE my favorite of 2014!  I had birthday celebrations galore as I turned 29 on the 12^th, got to spend time with my gorgeous nieces and sister in law, and dove head-first into a friendship that has already made me a deeper, richer, and more beautiful person. I am exhausted (like crazy tired and need an intravenous drip of coffee to survive the day) but my heart is full.

My actual birthday was Wednesday, March 12 - a wonderful day. I started the day with breakfast at Kimmie’s Coffee Cup in Brea with my dear friend Mindy. I forgot to bring lipstick and failed to put on earrings before leaving the house (Mindy and I meet for breakfast at 7am – life is really hard for me at 7am) so after we ate I ran to target and got myself little treasures (#favorite). Fully dressed and ready for the day, I headed to the office. My coworkers took me to lunch (I had breakfast again) and Rachel sent me flowers all the way from down under! After work Carrie and Shannon took me to dinner at The Filling Station in Downtown Orange (where I had my 3^rd breakfast of the day) – it was DELICIOUS and the company was bar none. LOVE ME SOME CARRIE AND SHANNON!
Saturday Megan came to town from Palm Springs and Kenz was plan free so we spent the entire day together. We started with lunch at Olive Pit – I had feta fries - one of my downfalls in life (#lovemesomefetafries). Then we did some damage at Nordy’s Rack, TJ Maxx, and the Brea Mall (#nordyscoffeeforthewin). Gan and I bought some stellar new shades at GAP with our 40% off coupons (#praisetheLord) and of course we visited the puppies! Food and shopping checked off the list, it was time for relaxation – so we headed for happy feet – one of my very favorite places on earth. I really can’t even explain it with words – but basically it is $15 for a 60 minute “foot massage” which includes a lovely little head and neck massage a very long and concentrated foot massage and ends with about 10 minutes on a standard massage table where I am always shocked and surprised by a little butt grazing. It really is absolutely fantastic and a really cheap little escape. With super greasy everything, we headed to ChaChas for dinner and frozen mojitos (#frozenmojitosareagifttotheworld) and then we grabbed a movie and planted on the couch to finish the evening off. It was basically a perfect day.

Sunday was my birthday brunch at Chapter One – my very favorite breakfast spot in Downtown Santa Ana. Chapter One has bottomless mimosas (for only $6 I might add) – and that is JUST my style! I was overwhelmed with laughter and joy deep in my soul as I sat at that table and looked at the incredible women who have become such a treasured part of my life.  Jenny outdid herself with a gorgeous cake a decorated table and party favors for all my guests! We ate and sipped and the bagpiper played and we laughed until there were tears in our eyes and it was everything I could have hoped for. 

Tuesday I headed for San Diego to steal some time with my precious nieces Madeline and Charlotte and my sweet sister Jamie who are in town for Spring Break from Oahu. The last time I hugged Madeline was July of 2013, so my arms were aching and desperate to have my little close. I got to squeeze Charlotte in September, but since then she had started walking and really playing – so much changes in a short time when they’re small. I took Wednesday off work and we wasted the entire day together. We went out to breakfast and played at the park for hours (#mybodystillhurts) watched Frozen and grabbed chickfila for dinner. Very quickly it was time to say goodbye again and I just couldn’t stop the tears. There is absolutely nothing better than waking up in the morning to Madeline or hearing her sweet voice say, “I love you one-hundred-million times”. I have said it before but will say it again – there is nothing I love more than being Aunt Shell.
My final highlight of the week is perhaps the most profound of all. I drove back from San Diego Wednesday evening in the dark, with puffy eyes from saying goodbye to my favorite people on earth and headed straight for my friend R. She told me she would make it her mission to cheer me up and she did not disappoint. Rachel is a new friend – a new friend who is an awful lot like me (#thesimilaritiesareshocking). She was raised in AWANAs, ordered pintos and cheese at Taco Bell as a child, doesn’t sleep nearly enough, is a little loud and potentially embarrassing in the best possible ways, believes in coffee, cherry7up is her favorite soda, she loves TJMaxx, craves relationship and chooses to love people exactly where they are with complete abandon. She has an incredible heart and an amazing story. She is a passionate, dedicated, driven person with a true desire to live and love well. We connected initially at TLC (the foster kid camp that makes my heart beat) and we just reconnected and kicked off what promises to be one of the most incredible friendships of my life. In a ridiculously short period of time, she has completely captured my heart and I am pumped to see where God is going with us – I have a feeling she might wreck me – but I’m ready to dig deeper and grow in profound ways.  I truly believe I am a richer person because we are living life together and for that I am overwhelmingly grateful.

It really was a fabulous week – a week of gratitude and countless reminders of how great this one wild and crazy life can really be…