bury the dreams...

Yesterday I found out my childhood best friend, Anna, is having a girl. I wish I could somehow explain the surge of conflicting emotions that flooded me as I looked at that darling picture of three swimsuits - one for daddy, one for mommy, and one for baby girl Garcia. I was instantaneously SO excited - Anna wanted a girl so bad - she has been calling “it” a “her” since the very beginning. We have prayed for this sweet little girl and we want her so badly! I truly could not be happier for Ann! The joy is deep and being Aunt Shell to her bitty is going to be such a tremendous gift. However, as I glimpsed at that picture, the tears welled up in my eyes and I felt myself burying the dreams yet once again. You see I don’t have a single memory of life without Anna. She was literally my very best friend growing up - she was the only friend I was allowed to spend the night with, she came to every birthday party (and brought chicken pox with her one year), together we did dance classes, AWANA (where we RULED at the two-legged race in the Awana Olympics), children’s choir, youth choir, played dress-up and barbies and school, we went to the same high school, took lots of AP classes, visited numerous countries in Europe with the Red Robe Choir, went to World Changers, took pictures for prom in her backyard, we went on family vacations to Carlsbad State Beach every single summer where we played hours of Canasta and Yahtzee, painted nails and made lanyards, a vast majority of the clothes I wore as a little girl were hand-me-downs from Anna - our memories are literally endless. In 2007 we both graduated with our undergraduate degrees. In May I left for World Changers while Anna was waiting for word on acceptance to med school. While I was gone, Anna and Daniel got engaged and before I got home, they were married and I started to bury the dreams. I can’t tell you how many tears I’ve shed over missing Anna’s bridal shower, bachelorette, and wedding. Those were moments I KNEW we would share. Never for a second did I think I would be the bridesmaid in the program that couldn't attend the actual ceremony. But even more than that, I feel like I missed out on double dating with her, talking about boys and falling in love together, something I just always envisioned. Fast forward 7 years and I’m burying the dreams yet again. This time it looks a little different…this time I’m saying goodbye to raising our kids together. I know I will be Aunt Shell and she will be Aunt Anna, but I wanted desperately to have a little girl the same age as Anna’s little girl. I wanted them to grow up as best friends and make a lifetime of memories. I know that my friendship with Anna is extremely rare - most people don’t get to know someone FOREVER - but I do. Anna is my FOREVER FRIEND. I think deep down I always thought we would pass that gift on. And yes, there is a possibility I could have a kid with her at some point in the future. But let’s be realistic - I am not currently in a relationship so we’re talking at least 3-5 years before I’m having any children. Anna will likely have at least one more in that time period, which will leave me further and further behind. I know it doesn’t diminish our friendship and of course I will be around to love on her kids and I have no doubt she’ll love on mine. I just never realized how deeply those little seeds of hope were rooted and how much it would hurt to let them go.