better Shel

People ask me all the time, “so what is new with you, Shel?” and the answer is really simple - nothing except me…I change in tiny almost imperceptible ways, but my life is pretty much the same. 

>> I still work as a Project Manager at AkinsParker - a full-service design and advertising agency in downtown Santa Ana. It is a good job at a great company and although it is work, I am confident it is a place I am growing and doing something I am gifted in to serve others. 

>> I live in Newport Beach with my roommate Andrea, and although I do walk on the trail occasionally, I still don’t actually know how to drive from my house to the beach - it is pathetic. I do know how to get to Fashion Island, the movie theater, and Balboa Island - AND I know exactly how to get back to Brea / Fullerton to do all the things I am used to there - proving I am far too dependent on habit and routine. 

>> I lead CHOSEN, the ministry to teens impacted by the Foster Care System in Orange County and continue to find myself amazed at how God is working and moving and using club to draw me to Him. I come to Him with joy, with gratitude, in humility for the gift and privilege of leading these teens and the incredible mentors. I also come to Him with a multitude of questions. CHOSEN brings me to my knees and begs me to seek Him and find Him. It is one of the very best things in my life for sure. 

>> I love Rwanda without question or hesitation and think about it often - I miss my friends there - and the slideshow of campers’ faces plays unprompted when I close my eyes and moves me to tears far more often than I would expect since I have been home for three (3) months now. I actually went to an African American church on Sunday and as I listened to their most joyful outpouring of worship, I could not contain my smile or the tears as I pictured myself surrounded by the campers, their voices singing, their feet pounding in rhythm. I pray I will forever be THIS grateful for that experience and that my heart will stay this tender toward the Kingdom. 

>> I continue to attempt to date online even though I find it HILARIOUS and so very strange. I have had several unsuccessful attempts - and yet - THAT is where the men are these days, right?! SO I will keep trying…and unreservedly saying "PASS" to those who do not meet my expectations FULLY BELIEVING I will not miss the man God has for me. In His time...

>> I am overwhelmingly blessed to have so many friends who have allowed me to become family and choose to call me Aunt Shell. My mini-besties bring unsurpassed joy and have soothed an aching and longing place in my heart. The gift of their laughter the wonder of adventuring alongside them cannot be fully expressed.

it is not lost on me that God led me out of this country to change my heart in monumental ways - He led me away from the comforts of home…away from my nearest friends and those I call family to mold and shape me. I have lived in the weight and grappling of darkness and I know to appreciate the glimmers of light. Throughout the past two years I have grown and changed - I have set new boundaries, established new patterns. I have learned to live well my season - to admit the lonely and the longing without allowing it to overtake me, to truly dance in the bittersweet, to give much and still choose me. I am a better Shel - healthier and more whole; I may still be in the desert - but I see Jesus here and tangibly know the possibility of blooming, even in this place. I really am so very grateful. I will continue to pursue hope and to chase Jesus wherever He will lead me - alongside the still waters or into a wilderness thicker and more dense with challenge than those I've known thus far. I trust Him and KNOW He is good - regardless of what I see or understand. I want to keep opening my hands and walking forward in faith - that will never be easy, but it will always be best; and it will always be my path to becoming a better Shel. 

the Jesus I know...

In 2006, I was a junior and a student leader at California Baptist University. I vividly remember the day Soulforce came to campus as part of their Equality Ride. According to an article in Christianity Today that was published on March 9, 2006, “The seven-week bus tour will take 35 gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, and straight 18- to 28-year-olds to colleges with behavior codes that Soulforce calls discriminatory.” CBU was one of the schools they visited. As a student leader, I was asked to participate in a panel discussion to hear the stories and experiences direct from the Soulforce visitors, and have conversations aimed at understanding. 

It was one of the most enlightening days of my life up to that point. I was a Christian, but I hadn’t really been asked to wrestle in my faith. I mean, there was this one time in high school when Anna told our friend that he was going to hell because he was a Mormon and we all know that wasn’t the best way to handle the situation, but I had grown up in a conservative Christian family and hadn’t experienced much opposition to my belief system. I didn’t know a ton about homosexuality when the panel began. I knew God created man and woman and I knew I believed firmly in the inherency of Scripture. But as the discussions concluded I understood one thing far more clearly: the church and individual Christians had contributed to deep wounds that were unresolved in the hearts of the people I had met and interacted with that day. I was heartbroken and there was this unsettled sense stirring within me. It led to a resolution: we had to do better because THAT version of displaying the love of Christ was not a reflection of the Jesus I knew.

In 2014 some of the right people believed in me enough to spur me on and set into motion dreams I didn't even dare to fully realize. CHOSEN came to life that year - one of the most beautiful gifts the Lord has ever given me. It has required me to step up and in, to become, to rely on Him, to seek wisdom and find strength to run and then keep running. He has never failed. Right now, 5 years later, I find myself on my knees constantly as I desperately hope to lead well, love well, serve well. I long to shine the light of Christ without wounding. I am stepping out in faith, navigating these very waters with teens I know by name and have walked alongside for years. I want them to see the Jesus I know - I want them to meet Him through me. THIS is what that day was for.  

2006 was 12 years ago now. So much life has happened. Even still I can picture the exact place I sat in that room in the Student Life Center of the Yeager Building at CBU (now there is a Chick-fil-A across the hall - THAT SHOULD FOR SURE tell you things have changed. I can promise you we weren’t swiping our meal cards for a #1 with an unsweetened arnold palmer in MY DAY on campus!). That day my eyes were opened to the hurt that motivated Soulforce to embark on that Equality Ride. That day it was confusing and overwhelming. Today I am abundantly grateful and consider it a gift of God's kindness to me. He allowed me to be present in that room for those conversations. That stirring was appointed and intended for such a time as this.

GIFTS THAT GIVE MORE...

October is fair trade month, so as we close out the early fall and head straight toward the holidays, I thought I would share some of my very favorite places to purchase incredible products that are ethically sourced and many have a purpose beyond sheer consumption. Many of these items were made by artisans in another country and purchases dramatically impact quality of life and allow for education or access to healthcare. Some were made by women who have been rescued from sex trafficking and are finding a new life. Some have give back components so a certain dollar amount or percentage is provided directly to a certain tribe or people group within a country or region in need.

1. NOONDAY COLLECTION.

https://laurensanders.noondaycollection.com/

This is my very favorite place to get jewelry, or handbags, plus a few Christmas ornaments and even a Kimono. These pieces are made by artisans in various countries, are sold by women in the U.S. and a percentage of each sale supports adoption.

2. STARFISH PROJECT 

https://starfishproject.com/

There is some beautiful jewelry available for purchase and these pieces help women coming out of exploitation. 100% of your purchase is reinvested - and you’ll get a little card that tells you who made your product, so it is incredibly personal.

3. UBUNTU LIFE

http://www.ubuntu.life/

All products are handmade in Kenya. Ubuntu Life is actually a non-profit so 100% of all profits support social impact programs - that means jobs, health, and education. 

4. PREEMPTIVE LOVE

https://preemptivelove.shop/

These products are made by refugees out of Iraq. There are candles, soaps, and the most incredible little dolls that are distinctly different than anything you’ll see in the states and give you a story to share with those you encounter. 

5. SELA DESIGNS

https://www.seladesigns.com/

This jewelry is all made from eco-friendly and ethically sourced products and is handmade in the USA. Additionally, 100% of profits are donated to charity. 

6. KROCHET KIDS 

https://www.krochetkids.org/

I have several clothing items from Krochet Kids as well as beanies. They have now also released bags and housewares. Everything is beautiful and each product is hand-signed by the person who made it. The stories of the individual makers are available for you to read so you can know how each purchase makes a sustainable impact in a life somewhere in the world.

7. PURPOSE 

https://www.purposejewelry.org/

This jewelry is beautiful and each purchase changes lives as it provides freedom for women escaping human trafficking. The proceeds support International Sanctuary, a non-profit that provides employment, education, medical care, & counseling to these women.

8. TRIBE ALIVE 

https://tribealive.com/

These products are handmade by female artisans who are considered at-risk. These women are empowered by employment to rise out of poverty. 

9. GLOBE IN

https://globein.com/

You can purchase unique products from all over the globe that are sourced from artisans and support developing countries where are the second largest source of employment. There is also an option to purchase a subscription to a monthly Artisan Box that is curated and allows for crowd-funding of a specific project. 

10. SHINE PROJECT 

https://theshineproject.com/

These handmade jewels employ first generation college students! 

11. SAK SAUM

https://saksaum.myshopify.com/

My personal favorite is the Anna Wallet made from recycled cement bags by women in the Saang District of Cambodia who are in rehabilitation after exploitation. 

12. THE GIVING KEYS

https://www.thegivingkeys.com/

These beautiful necklaces provide jobs to individuals transitioning out of homelessness. The idea is that you wear the necklace with a word of inspiration stamped boldly on the front and then - when the right moment comes - you pass it on to someone else in need. 

13. ABLE 

https://www.livefashionable.com/

I only have a few pieces from ABLE (an amazing bag, a great jean jacket) but the brand is focused on ending generational poverty. They pay fair wages to workers and invest in women. They are also completely transparent in their reporting - which is radical and may have an impact on the fashion industry as a whole.

14. RICE LOVE 

https://ricelove.org/

If you buy one of these bags, you provide 1 kilo of rice (approximately 12 meals in total) to a family in need. The bags themselves are made from burlap and re-purposed authentic Rice Bags. They are beautiful and have so much purpose.

15. WESTROCK COFFEE

https://www.westrockcoffee.com/

Rwandan Coffee is delicious and my heart is in Rwanda - so this one shouldn’t come as any surprise to you! Westrock Coffee is invested in the lives of the farmers and their families - this is FAIR TRADE COFFEE and it can be purchased at a reasonable price. There is no reason to ever purchase coffee at Costco again - buy on Amazon and know that your dollars are impacting coffee farmers IN RWANDA . This small change in where you purchase leads to sustainable growth and improved agricultural practices that will ultimately aid in providing for basic necessities such as education, access to clean water, and healthcare needs. WE NEED TO MAKE THIS SHIFT WITH OUR PURCHASING POWER.

16. THIRTY ONE BITS

https://31bits.com/

This started as a jewelry company but ultimately has expanded to provide an abundance of products that empower artisans around the globe with dignified jobs. 

17. PARKER CLAY

https://www.parkerclay.com/

These beautiful hand crafted goods are made in Ethiopia in partnership with Women at risk. Purchases mean an investment in a better life for an Ethiopian woman or family and ultimately, prayerfully, a cultural shift or change.

18. BRANDED COLLECTIVE

https://www.brandedcollective.com/

This jewelry empowers survivors of human trafficking. There is a letter stamped onto each piece that represents the specific story of the survivor and you can hear the voices of those who have overcome much to pursue dreams anew.

19. SHOP-TROVE

https://shop-trove.com/

Half the world’s population lives on the equivalent of $2 per day. Shop-Trove believes in creating jobs, celebrating artisan craft & culture, paying fair wages, designing affordable, stylish & inclusive products & then educating consumers about sustainable choices. These clothes are darling. They’re made in various countries around the globe (including Rwanda) and you can rock them and tell people WHY you are choosing to wear something that impacts others.

20. THE SHOP FORWARD - ESPWA 

https://www.theshopforward.com/products/4-things-custom-tote-bag

This tote is customizable and it supports spreading hope in Haiti! 

21. MILK AND HONEY TEES

https://www.milkandhoneytees.com/

These are ethically sourced t-shirts and each purchase gives back to Africa New Life’s Dream Beauty Program - offering job training, childcare, and discipleship to vulnerable women in Rwanda! 

22. BETTER LIFE BAGS 

https://betterlifebags.com/

Their mission is to hire women with various employment barriers and train them to make the custom leather and fabric bags (and now earrings! and at Christmas AMAZING STOCKINGS!). I don’t actually HAVE a bag, but they are darn cute! 

23. THE ROOT COLLECTIVE

https://therootcollective.com/

There are not a lot of places to get ethically made shoes - but these are DARN CUTE ONES. They’re a more expensive price point, but they are comfortable and they last! Your purchase o these shoes make life better for the artisans who make them as they provide much needed jobs. 

24. CUDDLE + KIND

https://cuddleandkind.com/collections/hand-knit-dolls

These are about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. If you are going to a baby shower and need a gift, LOOK NO FURTHER! The purchase of one darling hand-knit doll provides 10 meals to children around the world. 

25. CAUSEBOX

https://causebox.com/about

This is a monthly subscription that will introduce you to an abundance of incredible products that support socially conscious companies and products that do good. They  partner and sever different charities to raise funds, reach people, and tell their stories. SO WORTH IT. 

When I got home from Rwanda, my thought process about consumption and wealth changed dramatically. My love language is gifts and I adore choosing and intentionally investing in gifts for those I love. I also love that now I can take pride and have a deep sense of gratitude in knowing that these purchases have value beyond just the actual giving of an object - they impact lives beyond what I will ever see. My spending choices really do matter. It is something to consider this holiday season…and throughout all our days to come! 

fairytales and magical wishes...

I was sitting at dinner last night (in downtown Disney I might add - which is utterly ridiculous and very near the place where dreams come true, which adds another layer of ba-hum-bug to the rest of this story - especially when you know that our waitress told us to “have a magical night” on multiple occasions) and these words came out of my mouth “I just don’t believe it anymore”. I believe God has a plan for me; I even believe it is a good and mighty plan. I am on board for it and I will follow Him as He leads. That said, I just do not believe in the fairytale anymore. 

I do not (not even the slightest bit) expect that some guy is going to choose me. I am 33-years-old and I’ve never been the girl he picked - never. I didn’t have a boyfriend in high school, not in college, and not since. I have done the dating online thing and we’ll call that an epic failure. I went out with two guys and I got friend zoned by one and rebuked by the other - after a year of vigilant emailing and pursuing. It is not for lack of trying friends. So I guess I just don’t see it happening any time soon. I will fully admit that I don’t have that “vibe” (whatever that means). I’m not the girl who is screaming “come talk to me for a good time” with my body language or my clothing choices. I am not hanging out in bars and clubs and I don’t really like to dance. So that one is on me. If a guy did flirt with me, he would probably have to try pretty hard to get me to notice; but, if he gave me his number I would probably catch that, and I can guarantee you THAT hasn’t happened. I am also completely convinced I am not a hermit crab - I am out there. I may not be super provocative, but I’m doing all kinds of things all the time. If there was a guy out there looking, I’m fairly certain he could find me. Plus I like to believe that God is bigger than me or him and has control over ALL THE UNIVERSE and I don’t have to try to orchestrate it or make it happen. 

Nonetheless, I just admitted I don’t really believe in “it” anymore - so maybe we’re back to square one and I should have just asked for some pixi dust from my magical wishing waitress. 

forward and away.

Last night I went to a dinner with people who were once my people but are clearly not my people anymore. I was proud of myself for not being anxious as I drove toward the event. I had prepared my heart and let go of expectations. I wasn’t looking for their acceptance or approval, I understood fully my worth isn’t measured by their response. I was hopeful and perhaps even eager.  

It was a LOVELY dinner. We laughed together, celebrating our shared experience. The food was delicious (though we did miss, at least for a second, the African buffet). We talked about how it felt like our Thanksgiving and there was certainly much to be grateful for. Outside of all we had actually shared in Rwanda - all we saw, tasted, and took in together - I have learned and grown because of our adventure. I have sat at the feet of Jesus and searched my heart perhaps like never before. I still don’t fully know or understand what God is saying - I am still trying to find my feet - but I am confident in my calling and sure of my heartbeat for the nations and for Rwanda specifically. I have no doubt I was supposed to be there and that He knew in advance that team would be there together. None of it was a mistake and all of it will have great reward - even amidst the costs. I am also sure this team is no longer my place. There are certain people who own places in my heart. They are dear and loved and there are miracle stories of all God did to bring us to Rwanda together, to unite our lives and to carry us close while we traveled far. Nevertheless as I drove home and the tears began to fall, the hallow was deep and aching, and it was abundantly clear my path forward was away from this group I once called my own. 

I wish I could say I didn’t care - that it didn’t hurt and I wasn’t disappointed - but I am. As I told Amanda about the evening I cried admitting that there is now one more place in the world I don’t belong. This season makes me ache. I have to ask people to make space for me - I have to ask to be seen and remembered. I have been building new relationships, investing in them, and giving much of myself to others for so many years in this (seemingly endless) season of singleness. I am grateful, and I am exhausted, and on days like today I feel like I am running out of steam. I trust that God is kind and has a plan - I hope that something good is coming - and I also just want to get under the covers for a little while and turn out the lights. 

confident in the calling...

Be confident in the calling. These words have been resonating SO DEEPLY within me as I have been walking forward, praying diligently that I can keep my eyes fixed on the One who asked me to walk in obedience, by faith, rather than seeking the approval of man. 

The past few months have caused my feet to feel a bit unsteady.

The world looks hazy and where I used to be completely confident, I’m now a smidge unsure. 

People have said ugly things…and those ugly things caused the slightest shift.

Just enough for me to wonder…to question…

I am listening to a sermon series that has been reminding me that satan is the prince of lies and his most devastating tool in our lives is exactly that - deceit. As he lies to us and we begin to believe his falsehoods, we become insecure and unsteady. I am not really one to give satan credit for the ordinary things in life that go awry - like coffee spilling, not getting the parking spot, or traffic accidents. A lot of life is just that - life - selfish humans in a broken world. I do, however, think satan has a role in a lot of the hideous things we repeat to ourselves about being unworthy or unwanted or ugly or perpetuating the seeds that are completely contrary to what the Word says God sees as He looks at us - His GOOD work. As humans we are treasured over all creation and so often that is not what we see in ourselves. Over time, those lies played on repeat and hidden away never to be shared with others but carried with such tremendous weight (cue: guilt, shame, inferiority complex) are horrifically destructive and little by little, they destroy our ability to even see Truth clearly. Eventually, we let go and give up on mighty things. We stop racing toward the calling God set out before us, the calling God promises to equip us for, the one He will never leave us alone or abandon us in the midst of, the calling that He has prepared in advance for us to accomplish for His Kingdom. 

The people who mean the most to me are those who have spurred me on IN MY CALLING. They are the ones who have seen me in who I am becoming in Christ. Those who have come alongside and reminded me He is within me and cheered loudly from the sidelines, “RUN SISTER and DO NOT STOP RUNNING NO MATTER WHAT YOU HEAR.” The Ty & Heather Hoad, Jim & Sandy Clark, Connie Hutchinson, Diane Freeman, Anna Garcia, Nancy Williams, Amanda Roth, Emily Diaz, Bob Alexander, Andy & Kathleen Clark, Jenny Redmond, Matt & Shannon Key championing to the ends of the earth kind of heroes are truly invaluable treasures. In the midst of the unsteady, the wondering, the questioning - they have said, “Sister, STEADY ON. We know who you are. We see God at work in you.” 

SO with renewed fervor and a heart of gratitude for the people willing to SHOUT TRUTH LOUD ENOUGH to drown out the lies - I am walking again - confident in my calling - eyes fixed - there is Kingdom work to be done. 

carlsbad...my sacred and holy...

Over the weekend I went to Carlsbad. I think it really might be my very favorite place to truly escape near home. It is a place I know down to my bones - everything about it is familiar. I know where to exit the interstate and where to park (and that is saying something for a girl who is seriously navigationally impaired). Carlsbad features all the simple pleasures - the slight chill in the air from that ocean breeze, the instant frizz due to the constant moisture, the layer of sand that appears on virtually everything but somehow isn’t bothersome because you are at the beach. It is where I was raised. It is where you can sleep at night listening to the waves softly lulling in the background. It is where my family can be found. It is the hallow and sacred space where joy spreads across faces and there is something profoundly deep and meaningful in the extraordinary normal of walking at low tide as a wave crashes on the shore and drenches you both in water and laughter, in building drip castles and drawing in the sand, in gazing at wonder at the silhouette of your 3-year-old bestie with the sun setting magnificently behind her… there is no other place like it. It is a place where parents and kiddos are all jumbled together like one big herd and the raising up is done together. It has always been that way. Where pouring in love and building up in character isn’t someone’s job but everyone’s pleasure. Where sitting around the campfire and searching the night sky for the stars becomes a place of honesty and truth-telling and a recollection all the same. 

My parents are entering a new stage of life alongside their friends - they’re all retiring. It is strange. I suppose the same could be said about us as “kids” - we are “the adults” and to a large degree, we have children. I am just the exception to the rule. This weekend while I was visiting I heard from Anna’s dad (whom I would define as an “institution in my life”) that I NEED a mate. I honestly didn’t think much of it - I have had so many years or burying my marriage dreams and saying goodbye to wanting to raise kids with Anna. I have LONG yearned to have a little girl splashing around in those waves with Adelynn and parading her darling little ruffled bathing suit self down the 104 stairs holding grandma and grandpa’s hands. Alas. I think as the “grown-ups” age and settle into this season they’re realizing how much they truly enjoy each other - and their kids - and their grandkids. It is the real joy of life. Rick was saying “pick a mate Shell” in love - because he doesn’t want me to hit retirement and not have ALL OF THIS around…he doesn’t want me to miss the very good stuff. 

I wonder if people think I miss the good stuff all the time - that I’m not aware that it is swirling all around me. I see it all, I promise. I also choose to believe that there is good stuff now - in the way that Adelynn looks at me and Jeremiah says my name…in walking to coffee with all my people even if my husband isn’t part of the picture yet…in HOPING against all hope that a husband is still coming and there is a family written somewhere in my story whether biologically or via foster care or adoption and I haven’t missed one moment that was crafted perfectly for me, for us. I CHOOSE to believe that God promises to restore the years the locust have eaten (Joel 2:25) and though it is hard to imagine what that will look like I will stand firm like the mighty in faith who have walked before me and TAKE JOY. 

I will choose to say EVEN STILL - and you know what - that is SO MUCH EASIER to say when staring at the mighty expanse of the oceans - when I can truly be still and know that He is God. I’m telling you, there is just something magical about the sacred and holy of Carlsbad…

clap

CHOSEN {year 5} launched on Saturday, September 15. We had 26 teens in attendance alongside 22 mentors - our largest kick-off by a landslide. As they walked through the door, one after another, I was awestruck by the goodness of our God. I often flashback to that very first club…we had seven teens in total and I was beaming with excitement because God had answered our prayer - SOMEONE had come - this thing was actually happening. 

Oh yes, it happened and it has continued to grow and flourish into something I celebrate with wonder.

This year CHOSEN is taking on new obstacles and challenges, stepping up to grow and become yet again. I could cower beneath the weight of it and feel uncomfortable and ill-equipped. OR I can say yes to being a champion for JESUS and LOVE and wanting to step into hard places, to be light in darkness. I am choosing the later with boldness and courage. I am choosing to be brave. This year we have a transgender teen who is so very dear to us - who has been part of the family since age 7. I am learning to navigate from so many perspectives…first and foremost I love Jesus, secondly I am working in a mission field with teens who do not know Christ, while serving on a church campus, and finally leading a group of mentors who are all in really different places with their ability to engage or even wrestle with the topic of homosexuality let alone transgender and the entirety of the LGBTQIA population. 

At our first club, Nathan shared his desire to be referred to as Nate or Nathan and asked everyone to use male pronouns. He also said “you don’t have to agree with me, but I’d like to ask you to respect me.” At that point, some of the teens clapped. Apparently some of the leaders did too. I have heard muttering that this is controversial. People are conflicted about the leaders clapping. I am conflicted that there is murmuring about it at all. We have a chance to love. We have a chance to embrace. We have a chance to speak truth and walk alongside. Nate showed up to CHOSEN at EvFree Fullerton. He came. He knows we are going to share the gospel. He knows we don’t understand or agree with the decisions he is making, but that we STILL want to be part of his life. Do we need to make a big deal about clapping? Really? I am proud of Nate - I am proud that he came and proud that he shared - THAT IS BRAVE. Maybe they were clapping for that. 

I know we are called to be uncomfortable. I know we are called to be in relationship with those who look different than us - to be love to those who need to be loved. I know 100% that Nate needs to be loved, embraced, and reminded that God loves him wholly and fully. That Jesus died on the cross for him and nothing he does, no decision he makes will EVER change the love God has for him - because he was created in God’s image, he was formed perfectly, and God doesn’t make mistakes. 

RIGHT NOW we have an opportunity to sing that song over his life. BUT WE CAN RUIN IT. Our ugly can stain and squander possibility so quickly. 

SO, let’s be love. Let’s embrace uncomfortable and wrestle with our mess. Let’s beg Jesus to give us His eyes to see our own brokenness and to embrace with His empathy and compassion the brokenness in others. This is a beautiful and monumental chance, full of hope.

I will clap for that. 

enough......

I have always struggled with shame, I think I am just starting to recognize how much it STILL impacts my value and worth economics and actually weighs me down contextually. I am realizing how much work I STILL need to do…but I suppose therein I can be so grateful…I know where to step in, where to step FORWARD.

I was born into a family where I learned to perform for approval. I can remember as a little girl hearing my mom make statements resembling, “you know how to play the game - you’re smart.” The underlying truth: I was manipulative and did chores before asking for privileges because I knew how to get what I wanted. The darker and scarier reality: it taught me love was earned - a reward based value system rooted deep within me. I can see the wounds and scars so vividly now, I had no comprehension for them then. I am convinced that love is temporary and fleeting, that it can be taken off the table at a moments notice, that it will disappear if you don’t DO ENOUGH. I have experienced this on a multitude of occasions and live in the weight of disappointment, sorrow, and SHAME from those losses. I also live in FEAR of it happening again. On repeat. With virtually everyone I care about. 

I just returned from Rwanda - a country that makes my heart beat faster and encapsulates more joy than I can possibly explain - a place where I meet with God in an intimate way - a place that has forever marked me, changed me, created within me a desire for justice and true change. Because of my time in Rwanda, God has re-shaped the very context of my everyday and pressed me to reconsider virtually everything. I went for the first time in 2017 - it was illuminating. In 2018 I couldn’t wait to return; but this trip was SO different - it was as magical and vibrant and radiant and full of God’s hand and presence as ever, but harder and darker and weightier. It has taken over a month to sift through the feelings that sit on top of my experience in Rwanda. The feelings surrounding my team. The words that were said. The shame that I carry for not DOING ENOUGH, BEING ENOUGH, for FAILING… and therefore no longer being loved, no longer being lovable. 

So for the past several weeks I have been re-writing the narrative, trying to cue a new response that doesn’t allow shame to drown out the voice of the Father who sings love over His children and is not burying me in disappointment or fear of loss, but is welcoming me to celebrate each moment. He is inviting me to embrace each second spent with a camper, each tear shed over the desperation of poverty that permeates throughout the continent of Africa, each smile that overtook me because the joy was deep and profound, each prayer written in my journal as I cried out to Him for wisdom, each walk through the streets of this beautiful country that He planted deep within me, each moment of worship that brought me back to surrender and the enormity of His sacrifice, to savor the sound of their laughter and to allow their faces to run through my mind like a slideshow. He is asking me to realize that I am not perfect but to lay that at His feet and know that He loves me, and those who see me love me as well - and to recognize that real love can’t be picked up and thrown away. 

Casting off shame means embracing FREEDOM. Not a freedom to do what I want but a freedom FROM what I have carried. This is where I have to grow. THIS is how I have to walk forward. I have to let go of the weight of embracing the opinions and perspectives of others and allowing that to cripple me or weigh me down. I have to look ONLY to the voice of my Father and know that He has DONE ENOUGH to set me free. Oh Lord that I would be able to choose you and abandon the rest. Give me strength, and steadfast courage to walk forward - one obedient step at a time. 

you will not be afraid....

Joshua 1:9 says, “…Be strong and courageous; do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” .... even if He sends you to the ends of the earth to work with the material poor and most vulnerable in Rwanda. 

While at a camp for the orphans and vulnerable in Rwanda, you will find joy dancing with 104 teens singing Tambira Jehovah, their voices raised in harmony, their feet pounding in rhythm to the drum beat, a sound of worship so magical it is a true foretaste of heaven. You will see delight on faces as a simple balloon game brings an uproar of laughter. You will feel the magic of giving and receiving more hugs in a single week than the entirety of the next year combined. You will know the fulfillment of serving food to those with empty bellies more often than not, and the beauty of sitting in brokenness listening to stories of loss and being His hands of comfort when you cannot fix it but you can show love nonetheless. You will hear bold words of Truth shared from your teammates who willingly tell their stories and lead courageously with Jesus and the Bible at the forefront. 

You will not be afraid - you will be standing in the presence of the Lord - amazed and overcome.