THESE...

30 was hard. Brutally painful. Maybe wretched. It was the kind of year that virtually destroyed me, one I will be relatively glad to leave behind. It was a year where I claimed hope and tried desperately to live fully in the vibrancy of all that could come but was greeted instead by physical pain, emotional wreckage, and an emptiness I had never known before. BUT in the midst of the horrible awful, the heartbreaking, the tears, there was also gloriously beautiful and amazingly bright. There was falling on my knees and seeing Jesus in a new way. there was learning over and over and over that He is a Good Father and I am loved by Him. There was undeniable growth that will be valued for years to come. AND there were some graciously kind and tremendously generous people who chose to carry me in the midst of the sorrow, through the buried dreams, who walked with me even in the darkest nights and cheered me on without hesitation. THESE are my people. I couldn’t do life without them and I cherish them to the very depths and core of my being. THESE are the women who see my beauty even when I can’t see it myself. They are gifts beyond measure and as I march toward 31 I just wanted to take a moment to reflect, to breathe deeply, to celebrate the beauty of weathering the storm together, and to stop and count it all joy.

Living in the period.

He is enough. 

Do you see the punctuation mark at the end of that sentence? It is a period. I need to live in that period, to claim and accept that period, to celebrate that period and feel empowered and overwhelmed and overjoyed by that period. And yet I think so often that period brings tears to my eyes. He is enough. I know it and I believe it. I say YES to the period and then sit and ask for more. I say He is enough and then ask for a husband, for children, for less buried dreams and more hope. I ask for a life without headaches, one where I don’t wonder if sleep will be possible, one where I don’t have to refill prescriptions or put medical appointments on my calendar. I ask for a future where the student loans are paid off and I can live humbly while giving generously to people and causes that will impact many. I don’t think for a moment that God says we cannot hope or ask for tomorrow - but I do know beyond all doubt that the period means regardless of His answer to any question, He is sufficient, He is the supply, He is the Author and Provider and He alone is enough. 

I want to live contentedly within the period. To trust, to rest, to be fulfilled and satisfied by Him. I want to hope for tomorrow while firmly settled in the knowledge that the entirety of my circumstances are held in His faithful care.

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,

“therefore I will hope in him.”

Lamentations 3:22-24

He is enough. Period. 

WEEKENDS ARE MY FAV!

I spent the weekend having entirely too much fun! On Friday when I got off work, I pit stopped in Newport Beach for coffee with my newest cousin Bree (she married my cousin Tyler in January and looked absolutely stunning!). I loved every second of our time together - just sitting across from her while sipping on an iced coffee and learning her heart. I think we really could be great friends and I’m so excited to see what comes next for the Swope cousins! We have never been particularly close - but maybe this is our time! From there I hit the road for San Diego for a weekend at “home”. My mom had dinner ready when I arrived and my Grandma (who is a total rockstar at 98) and my Aunt Sandy were there to enjoy the meal together as well. We just chatted and it was an easy, calm, enjoyable little evening with family.

Saturday was my favorite day of the weekend for sure! SO MUCH FUN! I spent the entire day with my lifelong best friend Anna and her family. I walked into her house at 11:30am and there was a happy birthday banner hanging in the kitchen (it just might have been the banner we made together for Adelynn’s 1st birthday - LOVE that dual functionality and sharing ANYTHING with Adelynn) along with some fun champagne flutes on a darling platter and a gift waiting for me (ps Anna is the BEST wrapper - we believe in Costco ribbon and paper, but she has a special flare for making it look special!). It was so sweet of her to want me to feel special and celebrated - love her heart for me - what a treasure! Our first adventure was Liberty Station for lunch where we had the most delicious sandwiches from Con Pane (according to Anna they’re the BEST SANDWICHES IN THE WORLD) and then watched Adelynn run around and just took in the beautiful day. It was so delightful outside, so soaking it in and being able to just laugh at Adelynn’s antics felt like utter perfection. Adventure 2 was some whirlwind shopping. While Adelynn pretended to nap (they are now officially a 1 nap family) Anna and I grabbed my mom and then hit TJ Maxx and Kohls. We found a few really cute things from the Lauren Conrad line (forever love The Hills) and then dropped my mom back off at home. Adventure 3 was dinner at URBN - a delicious pizza place with tons of vibe. We ate and laughed and they sang to me over the free chocolate chip cookie sandwich (it was no pizzookie, but a valiant effort for sure). As Adelynn started to totally lose it, we headed home to get her bathed and in bed and then finished our day with Adventure 4 - pajamas, champagne, and a game of Mexican Train. By 9:30 we were all headed to bed (we’re in our 30’s after all) and I just laid there thinking about the ridiculous blessing of friendship. I know I go on and on about it so I won’t say it again now, but the Lord gave me a tremendous gift in Anna Rae and I do not take that lightly. 

Sunday we woke up and had coffee and bagels while watching Adelynn play - she is the happiest girl in the morning and her smile is one of my favorite views in the world. By 8:30am we were all ready for church and out the door. There is something deeply moving about worshipping at the church I grew up in, the church I watched become. The people are truly family and it really does feel like HOME. After church Anna and I hugged and said goodbye - and then I headed to coffee - the Sunday morning tradition. I love it. Then I had lunch with mom and we headed out for some more shopping. Very soon it was time to hit the road to head north but I made one more pit-stop before pulling into my garage. My very first friend from college, Lisa, was in town from Arizona so we had coffee and cheesecake together in Riverside - our old stomping grounds. It wasn’t anything extravagant or extraordinary, but it was so good to just be us, sitting across the table from one another, laughing and chatting about normal life - in our 30’s - and how great it is to STILL be doing it together.

Now it’s Monday and I’m back at work (and begrudgingly I might add). Life feels heavy and slightly overwhelming. My head is pounding and won’t let up. I need way more coffee because I didn’t sleep a wink last night thanks good ol’ broken brain. BUT I had a beautiful weekend, so I’m holding tight to joy, and choosing to sing praises and live in gratitude. Won’t you join me? 

to my sar...

TODAY is March 1 - a day I have been celebrating for over a decade - the day on which my World Changers best friend has her birthday and is older than me for a total of 11 days. Today I got to talk to sweet Sara on the telephone for a few minutes and it was SO GOOD for my soul. We haven’t seen each other since June 2015 and we miss each other for sure, but we have learned through the years how to cherish each other and carry on from afar. We are super close with the voicemail lady (she is sometimes a hag, she likes to cut you off, interrupt you, abruptly end your call, etc.) and we send each other cards and packages, we talk of airline miles and dream of adventuring together. 

Throughout the years the Lord has been abundantly gracious and allowed us to get ridiculously carsick, airplane sick, and boat sick all in the name of BEING TOGETHER and I honestly wouldn’t change a single experience. In the words of PLUS ONE (the Christian boy band of the 2000’s) “for you I’d take the last flight out.” 

In honor of today and how special my sweet Sar is, I decided to look back, and spend a few moments remembering (and laughing) at some of my favorite memories with my best friend…

>> Sara and I met in Shreveport, Louisiana the summer of 2004 - I was on WC Summer Staff and she was there to help the Project Coordinator Shawn Doss as we worked with teens from across the country as they poured their hearts into construction projects in the hottest hot of summer to help low-income families see the love of Jesus. OH MY GOSH we laughed so hard that first week we shared together. One of my teammates, Nathan was a vegetarian and when he fell asleep on a pile of t-shirts and there were leftover steaks in the fridge we couldn’t help ourselves but slide one right under his cheek - he didn’t wake up thrilled but we videotaped the entire encounter - it was worth it. Shawn tried desperately to sleep in one morning - I mean he went all out - to the extent that he hung aluminum foil in his windows to block the sun. So we pulled the Tahoe right up to his door and laid on that horn. If we had to get up with the kids, so did he. We ate ham bread for about 3 days straight and then realized there was an Arby’s at the bottom of the hill - we went to Arby’s for the next 7 days and I still don’t regret it. And we will NEVER forget PSSSSSADAS - literally the best mexican food in Louisiana. 

>> I somehow got assigned to Shreveport, Louisiana again in summer 2005 as well so Sara came back with Shawn and we gave her the honorary title, Transition Coordinator. Again, the laughter COULD NOT BE CONTAINED. Because we had worked together the summer before and were familiar, someone thought we were worthy of being handed keys to a golf cart that year. FALSE. When the pizza and cinnastix for the entire crew arrived but then the cinnastix were no where to be found, well, I could have told you where to find them - because Sara and I ate them ALL - we hid them in the t-shirt closet so we enjoyed cinnastix all day. OH MY GOSH we had so much fun. 

>> In 2006 Sara and I were on World Changers Summer Staff TOGETHER! We were both Office Managers and got into all kinds of trouble at training. Bryant Laird and Ashley thought it would be a genius idea to separate us so we’d be quiet. Little did they know we would just talk louder, or chat on IM via our computers. We won every round of fact or crap, and will never forget our fellow staffer who asked us (legitimately asked us) “how do you open a flip phone” bless her heart. 

>> 2007 brought SEVERAL memories of Sara - I think we saw each other a record 3 times that year! Our first reunion was in January when I flew out for coordinators retreat and my sweet friend drove several hours just so she could pick me up from the airport to hug me - literally - she is THAT dear. That spring brought her FIRST trip to California! We attempted to get on The Price is Right and failed but thoroughly enjoyed our day in Santa Monica and met the VERY WORST Cinderella of ALL time at a CBU tradition - Recess. That summer we both returned to Georgia for summer staff training (and spend our very last summer working for World Changers). At the end of the summer Sara actually came back to GA for my debriefing and we spent a few days together in August getting manicures and pedicures, sipping cocktails (because we weren’t on staff anymore) keeping Susan Whitley up late into the night even though she was officially an adult and working at her big girl job at NAMB, eating donuts (the spinks mix) and soaking up as much time as possible knowing we didn’t know WHEN we would see each other next…that goodbye was enormously difficult. 

>> In 2008 Sara came to California AGAIN! She is a gem! I was working on my masters so I couldn’t travel because of my rigorous class schedule and international study program in Oxford, but sweet Sara still made me a priority. We started the trip with pedicures - and as I recall THAT was the pedicure where they lined the tub with a garbage bag - that felt sketchy. So I made up for it by taking her to Disneyland for the VERY FIRST TIME (the first thing we did was eat ice-cream. Seriously - that’s just us!) Also on that trip I took her on the walk of stars and we saw WICKED. 

>> Perhaps one of our very BEST adventures came in summer 2009 when I graduated with my MBA and she finished her bachelors - naturally we gifted each other a cruise. I flew to Alabama and we sailed to the Caribbean. We watched “tan pants” dance and it was horrifically hilarious. We snorkeled (and the photographer made us hold hands - what?) and almost died in the heat of the ruins of Tulum (we HATE ruins). We took pictures on the ship as the breeze blew through our tassels and legitimately celebrated together - it was all kinds of glorious and I was SO proud to be there next to her in such a highlight moment of our lives. 

>> In 2010 Sara came BACK to California a 3rd time and we beached…then hit the rainbow outlet…my favorite place to see the sunset on this planet - Carlsbad - the Carlsbad outlets and then made our way to San Diego to meet the parental units - it was time. We ate froyo at The Yogurt Mill - a must do when visiting east county and we said goodbye far too quickly. 

>> 2011 brought my turn to see Sara’s homeland so off to Sweet Home Alabama I went! We headed straight to Gulf Shores for some fun in the sun (a totally different kind of sun than you typically have in California, so this little white girl got her a burn and not a lovely tan like her best friend Sar). And then spent some time in NOLA because it will ALWAYS have a piece of my heart (+ there is Cafe Du Monde with iced cafe au lait and beignets!) plus Shawn Doss was there for a Hope Mission Trip so we had to show some support. It was a WONDERFUL trip - they’re always way too good. 

>> In 2012 Sar came to CA AGAIN (we did a lot of back and forth for years y’all - we really did get good at it). We headed back to The Diz and then saw Hairspray, we ate and lazed around a lot actually - we had hit the point where it was so good to just be together we didn’t really even care what we did, we just wanted to talk and catch up and be face to face.

A lot of life happened between that trip and 2015 when we saw each other the next time. My brother joined the army and moved to Hawaii, so my vacation time quickly became allotted to traveling to hug nieces and love on family. Sara and I both got crazy busy jobs and adult life got real in a seemingly different way. We loved each other the same, but our face to face time definitely dwindled. In 2015 the Lord was generous beyond measure and allowed Sar to have her gastric sleeve surgery in Orange County and I got to stand by her side through the entire experience. It was a joy and an honor to hold her hand and pray for her in those moments before and after - I would have never imagined I would get to be next to her for that, but God sees far beyond what we ask - and gave us a good gift in that time. 

I’m not entirely sure when we will hug next, but my goodness just hearing her voice on the phone makes my heart sing His praises. A friendship over a decade strong - built on the firm foundation of serving Christ together - loving well despite the distance - hearing each other’s hearts first and showing up in whatever means possible. It is a beautiful thing to be a dear friend - and Sara is one of the very best! Happy Birthday Sar! Cheers to 31! 

J+SHELL OSCARS EXTRAVAGANZA

Last night was the annual J+SHELL Oscars Extravaganza and it was everything I could have hoped for. There was a ridiculous quantity of food, someone frequently refilled my flute with champs (including a new sparkling rose from Weins that was DELICIOUS), Leonardo DiCaprio finally got his moment of glory, Mad Max did NOT take best picture even though it seemed to SWEEP the rest of the awards, and J. Law wore my very favorite gown. I mean seriously people, it was a dream. 

Overall, I loved the films nominated this year and it was a challenge to decide where to place my “hypothetical” votes in each category (let’s be real clear, I’m not in the academy, and though I would LOVE to get screeners, I am NOT legit). It totally makes sense that Mad Max took costumes and production design - I mean NO ONE has ever looked more ominous (hence why I avoided the movie like the plague). Revenant was undoubtedly Leonardo’s most outstanding performance to date, Brie Larson was undeniably astounding in Room and Spotlight was a phenomenal work from an ensemble cast. 

{Side note: Jenny and I somehow failed to see Bridge of Spies entirely - I was in charge of the list so we’re going to chalk this one up to “wedding brain” because #Tamanda2016 was in FULL-FORCE throughout our movie watching escapades and we were squeezing them in whenever we could. Between designing and cutting and crafting and showering and bachelorette planning and partying it’s a wonder we saw as many as we did. I’m counting this a success story instead of a failure. Trying to grow in grace-giving here people.}

The Red Carpet was far less outlandish than usual and I had two clear winners with Jennifer Lawrence taking my undeniable first place finish for Best Dressed 2016. Oh my goodness she looked amazing. So classy, so sophisticated, in my personal opinion (and not just because I love her always) she was radiant in every way. Second place went to Saoirse Ronan who is SO MUCH PRETTIER in real life than she was in her film and that is a true compliment because typically these women look amazing in their movies! My 3rd and 4th place awards would have to go to Brie Larson in that stunning blue number (though it’s just a bit too blinged out at the waistline for my personal taste - and she had some sort of hairpiece too! A bit too far Brie) and Alicia Vikander who came in a sassy yellow Louis Vuitton that just worked. 

It was a wonderful evening with laughter and friends and bubbles. Cannot wait for next year! Cheers! 

thoughts on friendship {nobody's cuter than you}

Contrary to what I so often represent on this blog, I actually DO read books (in addition to watching a ridiculous amount of somewhat questionable television and listening to copious quantities of podcasts) and have always loved to read. Do any of y’all remember those amazing contests in elementary school where you would earn personal pan pizzas for reading? I was the QUEEN of those! Anyway, I finished a book over the weekend because the weather was absolutely delightful and beckoned me to grab my World Changers quilt and an iced coffee and come outside to read - and for the first time in a really long time - I actually had the space in my life to listen! 

I finished the most heartwarming book, “Nobody’s Cuter than You” by Melanie Shankle, the author of the Big Mama blog. It’s a memoir about the beauty of friendship and anyone who knows me knows #friendsaremypeople. I am so grateful the Lord has been abundantly gracious to me and allowed me to walk closely alongside some of the most extraordinarily beautiful women I have ever met. “You hear so many people talk about finding their soul mates only in relation to who they marry, but I think that, as women, our real soul mates are often found when we recognize some version of ourselves in someone else.” I have been gifted with friends who truly feel more like family, who through the most beautiful and heart wrenching moments of my life have found ways to see me through. I am almost 31 and don’t have a husband. I’ve never been in a relationship, and I know the meaning of loneliness and longing. And yet these women have been my nearest and dearest. They have heard my heart, wiped my tears, carried my pain and made me laugh until it hurts more times than I can count. They have let me celebrate their joys, meet their husbands, hold their babies, and sit on their couches (sometimes way too late into the night). We have talked about utter ridiculousness like nail polish colors and lippy love and also the deepest and most profound parts of our hearts. We have shared countless meals and celebrated many a birthday or Christmas together. They are the very best part of life. They see the good, the bad, the beautifully ordinary, they know my ugly and yet they love me even still and often champion for the me I sometimes cannot even see. "A good friend will love you, support you, and cheer you on A good friend doesn't make you feel inadequate or like you're not good enough. A good friend won't dump you when someone better comes along or ask you to compromise who you are and what you believe. There are few things in life worth having as much as a few close friends, and it's worth trading popularity for authenticity.It's worth going deeper and finding people who will love you for your real, authentic, broken self."

Throughout the years, I have had to let some I’ve loved walk away, it has broken me and left me kneeling at the cross asking for His healing. That loss has also helped me realize the treasure it is to have true friends and the importance of loving them well. "Ultimately, the only way to immerse yourself in true, deep friendship is to be willing to jump in with both feet, arms wide open, for whatever it will be." I don’t love wondering if I will get hurt. I know the answer to that question. Humanity is a painful reality and yet we have the love of a Savior and in that love we get to give away pieces of our hearts. We get to entrust ourselves to the care of others and we get to see Him do things far more beautiful than we could have ever imagined. Loving is worth the cost. Walking through life together is worth the tears, worth the hard conversations, worth the growing that is required. And it is the good kind of hard. "Some roads we travel in life can feel like the ones that might break us but that's why God surrounds us with people who will cheer us on and wipe our tears and listen as we pour out our hearts. Because often, it's not what you say but what you do that really matters." Throughout the years, I have learned to show up, to love well, to pour out, to come close, to draw near. I have learned how to pray consistently, to listen often, to say less, to be intentional and consistent, to write their things on my heart and attempt to remember them later. I have learned to respond when the Spirit nudges and to DO that thing He asks because chances are that thing really does matter. I have learned the blessing of mourning when they mourn and rejoicing when they rejoice. 

So… to Anna, to Emy, to Carrie, to Mands, to J and to Shanzie, and to the many others who have held my heart and helped me navigate this life… I would not be the woman I am today without you. Thank you for teaching me so much about my heart, about how to love well, about what it means to celebrate others and the joy it is to cherish the people the Lord has placed in our path. Thank you for allowing me to be broken and honest and loving me through my flaws. Thank you for seeing the best in me and cheering me on. Thank you for feeling like home. " 'Your friendship was a miracle-wonder, love far exceeding anything I've known - or hope to know' (2 Samuel 1:26, The Message). Ultimately, that's what God has given us in the people he has placed in our lives as He knits our souls with theirs: a miracle. A grace-filled, life-changing, soul-refreshing miracle..."

Now…go read the book, obviously it’s worth it…so so worth it…and love well…because my gosh friendship is a gift in abundance and a lifetime’s not too long to live as friends! 

IT IS FINALLY OSCARS TIME!

Y’all it is OSCARS weekend and that can only mean 1 thing - eating the equivalent of my body weight in snacks at the annual S + J Oscars party where it is entirely appropriate to unabashedly judge celebrity fashion choices and discuss without reservation all thoughts on the award winners and their speeches. I CANNOT WAIT. At our first annual party, J and I were the only people in attendance and let me assure you the copious quantity of snacks was in no way reflective of the number of attendees. We like to have options and we like to eat throughout virtually every moment of the big show. I think our go-to is dips. We will probably have more than five this year plus several other savory treats and at least two sweet delights as well. We truly go all out. I’m telling you - it’s the party dreams are made of. Yoga pants and blankets on the couch with champagne in one hand and a spread fit for royalty within arms reach. Jenny and I have managed to see a respectable number of the nominated films this year. The only two best picture nominees we did not knock off the list are Revenant (which outside of Leonardo DiCaprio has absolutely NOTHING going for it in my personal opinion) and Mad Max: Fury Road - again just not my kind of movie. We made up for those two by seeing a couple of the Best Actor / Actress nominees like Joy because CHEERS to my girl J. Law and The Danish Girl because OH MY GOSH Eddie Redmayne was phenomenal and Carol because you just have to love Cate Blanchett - now that’s a classy broad. We are as ready as we are going to be - it’s time to shop, prep, and taste. Cheers to the very best of films from 2015! Eeek! 

a graciously messy life

Last night I was on the phone with a friend and I found myself telling her SO MANY of the things I tell myself on repeat. They weren’t new words, but rather the reminders of concepts we all need to hear and yet still they continually get lost in translation. That gap between mind and heart is endlessly long and though we attempt to carry these ideas and burrow them deep within us, they are seemingly impossible to fully grasp and retain. I told her she was enough. I told her not to let all the little areas she saw that begged for growth and improvement steal her joy because there was monumental evidence of the Lord’s great work and achievement in her heart and life. I told her choosing people, choosing to love, choosing to pour out and give much would always be the most generous gift, it would bear with it the potential of depletion - but it’s also ok to need space, to hit empty and have to come back to the cross, back to kneel at His feet and ask for more strength and endurance. I heard myself giving her words of grace. They flowed freely from my lips and my heart meant them. 

Interesting how that grace is so easy to express to others and so incredibly difficult to claim for ourselves. As I looked around my room where the bachelorette party and wedding appeared to have exploded everywhere, I knew I needed to take a little bit of that truth to heart. Instead of feeling like a disappointment or failure for getting into bed without dealing with the fabulous false lashes that were next to the sink in my bathroom or the floral robe and bridesmaid pin that were folded in front of my closet or the cake plates that were boxed and still in the backseat of my car, perhaps I needed to choose to bask in the success of of a wedding day where both the bride and groom literally floated - where their joy was abundantly apparent and the presence of the Lord was tangible. Perhaps it would be better to cling to the words in the text from Amanda that came the morning after the wedding expressing how the day was more than she could have hoped or dreamed and she would never forget all the little details that I helped make possible and choose to focus my heart there in celebration and give myself just a minute to recover after having poured myself out for months. 

As women, we are not good at letting ourselves off the hook. We think we have to be good at everything, and give to everyone, all the time. Or at least I do. I’m the queen of not being able to ask for help (unless you push me pretty hard) then reaching my limits and doing just one more thing. I love giving much and it truly is my joy. However, there also comes that point in which the Lord asks us to be still, to rest, to come back to Him and refuel. In that space we have to be willing to extend the grace we so willingly give others to ourselves, to take a minute and sit at His feet. To be a Mary. I want to be humble enough to sense Him urging me to slow down and to share the joy of giving with others. I want to be gracious with me and have others respect the words I share with them because they see evidence of those words displayed as truths in my life. I want to be more gracious with me - and I’m going to try. I’m embracing a life that looks just a little more messy all the time - and I feel pretty good about it! 

Mrs. Amanda Roth.

And just like that, she went from Miss Amanda Jennifer Young to Mrs. Amanda Roth…

On Friday, February 19, I watched with hints of tears glistening in my eyes as one of my very bests walked down the aisle towards her love, Tanner Wayne Roth. She looked absolutely glorious and because I had shared so much of the journey with her, I fully understood the weight and hope and answered prayers and excitement and joy she carried in each step. I heard about “her buddy Tanner” as Amanda saw him in the airport early one May morning as I prayed with her before she headed to Chicago for an ISM conference…little did I know… Then I heard SO MUCH MORE upon her return home. I think it was that night after I hugged her goodbye and went back inside and began washing dishes that I prayed, and through tears I whispered the words, “I know Lord, I know she’ll marry him.” Oh how grateful I am for the ways I was able to lean in and draw close to my sweet friend as she began dating, and then ultimately fell in love with Tanner. When he deployed I got to hear so much of her heart and walk that road with her hand in hand. Praying together through the darkest days and rejoicing in His glorious gifts as well. I remember the day she finally admitted she was in love with “Tandor the great” - she did it so subtly. She was renting a room in Placentia and it wasn’t necessarily everything she had envisioned when it came to sleeping there. I asked her how long she was planning to endure and she said something about it depending on how things went when Tanner came home…aka…she didn’t think she would NEED to be there long because very likely rings and wedding talk were in the near future. She was right and the engagement season was one I will forever treasure. I designed and dreamed and dress shopped and planned and prayed and partnered with Mands - the bridey - in all things blissfully beautiful. I got to be one of her right hand girls and helped make her wedding day dreams come true. I helped throw a lovely shower and was honored to be part of her day of treats, there were dress fittings and crafternoons, we have more emails and texts than I could ever count. So on Friday as I watched her walk down that aisle radiant in the iconic bridal glow, the tears in my eyes revealed the joy deep in my heart as I overflowed with gratitude. I listened to her vows knowing her heart for the Lord and for her husband, knowing her deep and unwavering commitment, her steadfast and strong desire to be faithful, and choosing to share in her covenant, knowing it will be my great honor and privilege to support and encourage her as she loves her husband and serves him all the days of her life. What a joy it is to write #thetalesofabridesmaid. 

feeling something...

“You can’t experience change without feeling something.” 

I’m not entirely certain where I came across these words, but I definitely didn’t come up with them on my own. Even still, they have brought me a certain sense of relief and release over the past few days.  One of my very best friends is getting married this month. THIS MONTH. The entire engagement was only four months long, so it always sounded soon; but now it sounds immediate, tangible, and that looming closeness has prompted the surge of feelings. 

There is such a deep joy - I absolutely love Amanda and have gotten to walk so closely beside her throughout this process. I have gotten to hear her heart, to watch that bridal glow, to dive head-first into every blissful detail - even today there have been a myriad of emails and a flurry of texts related to the wedding. And yet I know the silence is coming. On the other side of the aisle and the “I do” is a honeymoon and a time of distance to establish her new life and identity as Mrs. Amanda Roth. I want this for her with every single ounce and yet, there is this part of me that fears the upcoming goodbye. I have watched many a friend walk down the aisle, and inevitably the friendship changes. Sometimes it resurfaces and is even stronger and more beautiful than before and other times it disappears almost completely. Amanda has promised me I’m not losing a friend and I so badly want to believe her. And yet, even as I type this I find my heartbeat quickening and the tears beginning to brew. Will there still be space for me when there isn’t a wedding to plan? When there is a husband to come home to each night? She will have that built-in best friend to tell all her stories, to recount her day, to pour out her heart. She will have that friend, but will I have lost mine?

You can’t experience change without feeling something. Perhaps right now it is such a mix of somethings that I can’t really even make sense of it. There is joy and excitement and anticipation and a tiny hint of stress, there is so much love that my heart just might explode, there is hope and profound gratitude. And in the midst of all that glorious and rich there is also sorrow and disappointment and longing and loneliness and this looming sense of sad. I am totally and completely happy for her and yet it is still hard for me. Oh how I wish it didn’t have to be both. And yet I cannot even begin to wish I didn’t feel - it is the very essence of me and the basis for so much of my existence. I am all heart and I am so glad to be that way. I want this heart wrenchingly beautiful reality even if there are many tears in both laughter and pain. And I want this friendship even if only for the next 17 days. She has been one of the greatest gifts the Lord has ever seen fit to give me - and I will cherish and celebrate and come alongside for every single moment she’ll have me. Lord I just pray there truly is a lifetime of moments still to come.