a graciously messy life

Last night I was on the phone with a friend and I found myself telling her SO MANY of the things I tell myself on repeat. They weren’t new words, but rather the reminders of concepts we all need to hear and yet still they continually get lost in translation. That gap between mind and heart is endlessly long and though we attempt to carry these ideas and burrow them deep within us, they are seemingly impossible to fully grasp and retain. I told her she was enough. I told her not to let all the little areas she saw that begged for growth and improvement steal her joy because there was monumental evidence of the Lord’s great work and achievement in her heart and life. I told her choosing people, choosing to love, choosing to pour out and give much would always be the most generous gift, it would bear with it the potential of depletion - but it’s also ok to need space, to hit empty and have to come back to the cross, back to kneel at His feet and ask for more strength and endurance. I heard myself giving her words of grace. They flowed freely from my lips and my heart meant them. 

Interesting how that grace is so easy to express to others and so incredibly difficult to claim for ourselves. As I looked around my room where the bachelorette party and wedding appeared to have exploded everywhere, I knew I needed to take a little bit of that truth to heart. Instead of feeling like a disappointment or failure for getting into bed without dealing with the fabulous false lashes that were next to the sink in my bathroom or the floral robe and bridesmaid pin that were folded in front of my closet or the cake plates that were boxed and still in the backseat of my car, perhaps I needed to choose to bask in the success of of a wedding day where both the bride and groom literally floated - where their joy was abundantly apparent and the presence of the Lord was tangible. Perhaps it would be better to cling to the words in the text from Amanda that came the morning after the wedding expressing how the day was more than she could have hoped or dreamed and she would never forget all the little details that I helped make possible and choose to focus my heart there in celebration and give myself just a minute to recover after having poured myself out for months. 

As women, we are not good at letting ourselves off the hook. We think we have to be good at everything, and give to everyone, all the time. Or at least I do. I’m the queen of not being able to ask for help (unless you push me pretty hard) then reaching my limits and doing just one more thing. I love giving much and it truly is my joy. However, there also comes that point in which the Lord asks us to be still, to rest, to come back to Him and refuel. In that space we have to be willing to extend the grace we so willingly give others to ourselves, to take a minute and sit at His feet. To be a Mary. I want to be humble enough to sense Him urging me to slow down and to share the joy of giving with others. I want to be gracious with me and have others respect the words I share with them because they see evidence of those words displayed as truths in my life. I want to be more gracious with me - and I’m going to try. I’m embracing a life that looks just a little more messy all the time - and I feel pretty good about it! 

Mrs. Amanda Roth.

And just like that, she went from Miss Amanda Jennifer Young to Mrs. Amanda Roth…

On Friday, February 19, I watched with hints of tears glistening in my eyes as one of my very bests walked down the aisle towards her love, Tanner Wayne Roth. She looked absolutely glorious and because I had shared so much of the journey with her, I fully understood the weight and hope and answered prayers and excitement and joy she carried in each step. I heard about “her buddy Tanner” as Amanda saw him in the airport early one May morning as I prayed with her before she headed to Chicago for an ISM conference…little did I know… Then I heard SO MUCH MORE upon her return home. I think it was that night after I hugged her goodbye and went back inside and began washing dishes that I prayed, and through tears I whispered the words, “I know Lord, I know she’ll marry him.” Oh how grateful I am for the ways I was able to lean in and draw close to my sweet friend as she began dating, and then ultimately fell in love with Tanner. When he deployed I got to hear so much of her heart and walk that road with her hand in hand. Praying together through the darkest days and rejoicing in His glorious gifts as well. I remember the day she finally admitted she was in love with “Tandor the great” - she did it so subtly. She was renting a room in Placentia and it wasn’t necessarily everything she had envisioned when it came to sleeping there. I asked her how long she was planning to endure and she said something about it depending on how things went when Tanner came home…aka…she didn’t think she would NEED to be there long because very likely rings and wedding talk were in the near future. She was right and the engagement season was one I will forever treasure. I designed and dreamed and dress shopped and planned and prayed and partnered with Mands - the bridey - in all things blissfully beautiful. I got to be one of her right hand girls and helped make her wedding day dreams come true. I helped throw a lovely shower and was honored to be part of her day of treats, there were dress fittings and crafternoons, we have more emails and texts than I could ever count. So on Friday as I watched her walk down that aisle radiant in the iconic bridal glow, the tears in my eyes revealed the joy deep in my heart as I overflowed with gratitude. I listened to her vows knowing her heart for the Lord and for her husband, knowing her deep and unwavering commitment, her steadfast and strong desire to be faithful, and choosing to share in her covenant, knowing it will be my great honor and privilege to support and encourage her as she loves her husband and serves him all the days of her life. What a joy it is to write #thetalesofabridesmaid. 

feeling something...

“You can’t experience change without feeling something.” 

I’m not entirely certain where I came across these words, but I definitely didn’t come up with them on my own. Even still, they have brought me a certain sense of relief and release over the past few days.  One of my very best friends is getting married this month. THIS MONTH. The entire engagement was only four months long, so it always sounded soon; but now it sounds immediate, tangible, and that looming closeness has prompted the surge of feelings. 

There is such a deep joy - I absolutely love Amanda and have gotten to walk so closely beside her throughout this process. I have gotten to hear her heart, to watch that bridal glow, to dive head-first into every blissful detail - even today there have been a myriad of emails and a flurry of texts related to the wedding. And yet I know the silence is coming. On the other side of the aisle and the “I do” is a honeymoon and a time of distance to establish her new life and identity as Mrs. Amanda Roth. I want this for her with every single ounce and yet, there is this part of me that fears the upcoming goodbye. I have watched many a friend walk down the aisle, and inevitably the friendship changes. Sometimes it resurfaces and is even stronger and more beautiful than before and other times it disappears almost completely. Amanda has promised me I’m not losing a friend and I so badly want to believe her. And yet, even as I type this I find my heartbeat quickening and the tears beginning to brew. Will there still be space for me when there isn’t a wedding to plan? When there is a husband to come home to each night? She will have that built-in best friend to tell all her stories, to recount her day, to pour out her heart. She will have that friend, but will I have lost mine?

You can’t experience change without feeling something. Perhaps right now it is such a mix of somethings that I can’t really even make sense of it. There is joy and excitement and anticipation and a tiny hint of stress, there is so much love that my heart just might explode, there is hope and profound gratitude. And in the midst of all that glorious and rich there is also sorrow and disappointment and longing and loneliness and this looming sense of sad. I am totally and completely happy for her and yet it is still hard for me. Oh how I wish it didn’t have to be both. And yet I cannot even begin to wish I didn’t feel - it is the very essence of me and the basis for so much of my existence. I am all heart and I am so glad to be that way. I want this heart wrenchingly beautiful reality even if there are many tears in both laughter and pain. And I want this friendship even if only for the next 17 days. She has been one of the greatest gifts the Lord has ever seen fit to give me - and I will cherish and celebrate and come alongside for every single moment she’ll have me. Lord I just pray there truly is a lifetime of moments still to come. 

oh hello, I'm Shell...

My name is Shelly and I’m currently 30-years-old, we probably don’t really need to announce that I’m almost 31, do we? My birthday is March 12 so the countdown is basically on, but that’s really neither here nor there. I am 30 and trying to live the #happy30life for as long as I can! I live in sunny southern California, Orange County to be specific. I work at a full-service graphic design & advertising agency in downtown Santa Ana where I am a Project Manager and dabble in my own creative projects on the side. Mostly that means I design invitations and all kinds of party shenanigans for my dear friends who are getting married or having babies - but someday my little business, beganwithabow, may amount to much more than that and I’m ok leaving it in the dream category for now. I love the Lord and I love people. I long for a husband and pray often that the Lord would provide a mate soon so we can begin adventuring together and running this race with endurance toward every good and perfect plan the Lord has laid out before us…but I guess I am getting a bit ahead of myself… 

First and foremost, you should know that I truly do love the Lord. I go to EvFree Fullerton and have called it my church home since fall 2007, though I did venture out to Rock Harbor for a brief time where I joined a lifegroup and made some of my dearest friends. I am not the kind of Christian who just attends church on Sunday mornings, the Lord is the center of my life and I am tremendously grateful to be claimed and called His beloved. I grew up in San Diego and have a rich heritage in the church including mission trips in high school and serving as a missionary with World Changers, a ministry of the North American Mission Board throughout my college years. Ministry and service have been instrumental in my life and have forever changed my heartbeat. I have a passion for foster care and am the Director for a club named CHOSEN, which meets the 3rd Saturday of the month and is a place for teens ages 12 - 18 who have been affected by the foster care system to come together and be loved and shown Christ. We also take the teens to camp each summer for ridiculous amounts of fun it is one of my very favorite weekends of the year. I hope to adopt someday, but am waiting on the Lord to fulfill that dream. 

The Lord gave me an incredibly big heart and it is my greatest joy to pour into the people around me. My friends have undoubtedly become my family throughout this season and I am so grateful to be walking alongside some truly exceptional people. I love hard and show up and give as much as possible. I am there for every birthday party and celebration or sorrowful moment of tears and that really is where I want to be and how I desire to live. Rejoice when others rejoice and mourn when they mourn. People are my greatest treasure and I choose them every time. 

I moved to Riverside for college (I went to CBU) and never moved back home, so I meant it when I said my friends have become my family. However, I do have a wonderful family. My parents live in San Diego and I see them every couple months. I have an older brother named Kevin who is married to Jamie (my sweet sister) and they have three kids - little, bitty, and tiny aka. Madeline, Charlotte, and Jason. They’re my favorite tiny humans. Kevin is a nurse in the army and is currently in transition from his last duty station in Hawaii (I know, rough life) to the East Coast. Kevin and I have a younger sister named Julie who is also a nurse and she lives in Oregon. I also get to be aunt shell to a whole bunch of other kiddos that I absolutely adore. As my dearest friends have had their babies, it has become one of my very favorite titles and getting to watch all these amazing kids grow up is the best! I love being aunt shell.

I am bold and bright and probably a little too loud. I love accessories and am slightly addicted to Kate Spade. I try to find joy in all circumstances and laugh through even the hardest days. I’m a bit sassy but I think it adds to my sparkle. I like to keep my nails painted, drink too much coffee, and undoubtedly watch a smidge too much tv. I countdown to the Oscars by attempting to see all the Best Picture nominees and I’m up for basically any adventure. Brunch is my favorite meal of the day and champagne is my favorite of all the bubbly drinks. I will never be described as outdoorsy, but there is absolutely nothing like the sound of the ocean or being swept up by the vastness of His majesty as you watch the sunset over the water. Carlsbad will forever be my favorite place to take in that view. Chocolate over candy every single time and ice-cream is probably my dessert of choice. I love Broadway and seeing Taylor Swift for free last summer might forever be a highlight of my life. I love to travel and cried a ridiculous amount of tears upon returning home from studying in Oxford, I really think I could have lived in England. I’m directionally impaired and am so thankful cellphones come equipped with navigation these days - LIFESAVER. Arnold Palmers are my favorite drink to order at any restaurant and I was made to live in the south - bring on the biscuits and gravy. 

So there you go. A taste of Shell. I’m probably best sitting across a table, drinking a cup of coffee, just sharing my heart and hearing yours, but maybe this was just the motivation you needed to make that happen…

three words...

On Monday I got a text from my friend Noelle including a picture and the exclamation, "so this happened today!" As I took it in my heart swelled, the picture was Noelle and Caleb (who had recently been promoted from boyfriend to fiancé) and a glimmering diamond ring: Noelle said yes. I was so grateful for her good news and my heart truly rejoiced with her. I know the journey to that "yes" was one filled with kneeling before the throne and seeking the Lord's wisdom. It wasn't necessarily easy and it was undoubtedly a decision she prayerfully considered as she took each step forward. Noelle (or friend in real life as I usually call her) is an amazing woman of character and integrity and has always put the Lord first in her life. What a blessing to hear the Lord had finally answered her questions and given her peace to joyfully proceed into marriage. I was elated.

And yet only seconds later the tears welled up and threatened to completely overtake me. I made a fatal error and considered a stupid question. Three tiny, seemingly insignificant words that instantly destroyed me and shattered my joy. I asked myself, "what about me?" You see in the time that Noelle and Caleb met, dated, prayed, and ultimately decided to move forward into marriage I wasn't asked on a single date, it wasn't even an idea on the horizon. As I have longed and prayed for a husband, the Lord has been silent. That doesn't mean He doesn't have a perfect plan and it doesn't mean He isn't moving, it definitely doesn't mean He doesn't see me or that I am forgotten. It merely means His answer has been not yet, not now, trust Me. When I see the question, "what about me?" written out plainly, it sounds so ugly and selfish. I hate that my heart even went there. I don't want be the kind of person who is constantly looking at life through that lens, I don't want to filter everyone's experiences through my own desires. I do wholeheartedly believe it is possible to both celebrate joy for another and mourn your own losses simultaneously, and yet I want to stay in the joy. I want to take the "what about me?" thoughts captive and give them back to the Lord choosing to grasp the fulfillment and purpose He has for this moment. I want more than longing for tomorrow, especially since the Bible is so clear that tomorrow has enough trouble of its own. So tonight I am praying a new prayer and asking the Lord for strength to stop asking "what about me?". I think I will probably have to repeat that prayer more times than I can count in the upcoming weeks and months. It sounds impossible as I consider friends getting married and having babies - so often it feels like I am staring at my dreams and yet not getting to live them. And still I trust the Lord has a husband and ultimately a family for me - it is undoubtedly the desire of my heart and He is so very faithful. I just can't ask those three words anymore, they only shatter my heart and steal my joy.

a shower for the future Mrs. Roth

One month from today my beautiful Amanda will walk down the aisle towards her love Tanner Wayne Roth wearing an absolutely exquisite dress (that I am so grateful I have gotten see many glimpses of) and make vows before God, before family, before cherished friends and she become Mrs. Amanda Jennifer Young Roth. I cannot believe the big day is nearly here. So in celebration, today seems like an appropriate day to post about her beautiful bridal shower, a day that I will treasure whenever I think back upon this season we have shared.

As soon as sweet Amanda was engaged and it was confirmed that I was bridesmaid #10, shower planning became a hot topic of conversation and I was so blessed and honored to throw her personal shower alongside her hilarious and absolutely delightful sister Ashley (also known as Shleyb, Shleybs, or my personal favorite Shleybert). Amanda has a pretty distinct style, so very quickly we settled on burlap and lace with touches of quirky and fun and lots of intentional sentimentality. We had our first official planning meeting just before Thanksgiving and then kicked things into HIGH GEAR with a champagne crafternoon. Invitations went out on December 09, exactly one month prior to the big event and I am proud to say that Amanda cried when she saw them. As a designer, that is the ultimate dream. Shleybert and I laughed our way through the chaos and came up with details galore in hopes of making it a day she would long remember.

Perhaps our very favorite of all the decor items was this amazing fringy bits with "ROTH EST 2016" hanging delicately below. It became the baseline for all other pieces we designed. The entire shower was built around the letter "R" and the very real idea that Amanda is the future Mrs. Roth. The best "R" was the twine wrapped "R" that Shleyb spent at least an hour creating. It is a beauty and if she has anything to say about it, it will be prominently displayed at Roth manor for many years to come! The guestbook was a Bible engraved with Roth est. 2016 on the cover. Each guest was asked to underline her favorite Scripture and then leave a note on an accompanying bookmark so Amanda and Tanner have a family Bible filled with encouragement and love to use as a reference point and a place to turn when they need hope or joy or help. The Bible will also be present at their next shower and the rehearsal dinner and I pray it will be one of their most treasured possessions.

Amanda and I were chatting just a few days before the shower and she confessed she was nervous not many people were coming and that it would be a tinge disappointing. I quietly reminded her that once she arrived she would enjoy every single person there and be so abundantly blessed by their presence. In actuality, almost every person who received an invitation was there to celebrate beside her. With the exception of a few out of town guests, the house was a bustle with her dearest friends and loved ones who absolutely adore our amazingly huge-hearted bride. Amanda is beloved by many and has given much to those the Lord has placed in her midst. It was such a pleasure to pour my heart into her and create a day that acknowledged who she is in Christ and who she has been for each one of us as she moves into this new season of life with Tanner. My love for her is deep and I am profoundly grateful for our friendship. She is truly a gift beyond measure and I know the Lord gave me something rich and profoundly beautiful in allowing us to walk together.

There are some final design things for the wedding day that Mands and I are working on together and Shleyb and I are finalizing plans for "Amanda's Day of Treats" with these lovely ladies! The countdown is definitely on...

help my heart to catch up...

Yesterday I stood in church, worshipping, one hand extended as tears welled up in my eyes and felt totally and completely alone. I find it so interesting that Sundays at church are often the moments in which I find myself feeling the most acutely aware of my “aloneness” if you will. Perhaps it is because in that space of honesty and exposed vulnerability the walls and boundaries I put up to protect myself come down and I fall on my face in gratitude before Jesus. Or perhaps it is because I look around and see what I ultimately want in a husband or children, what I have longed for and prayed for, what I ache for and still do not have. Or maybe it is that I actually have an extensive community and yet I seem to be on my own, feeling a bit forgotten rather than wanted or prioritized in a place where I want to feel cherished and beloved more than any other. I have been wrestling with the Lord in this regard for quite some time. I have wonderful friends, a deep and profoundly beautiful community full of extraordinary men and women who lean in and pour wisdom into my life, we walk closely together and have weathered many storms. Yet that community isn’t necessarily present on Sunday mornings. I go to a big church and it is easy to be another face in the crowd. I do a lot of smiling and waving and give the occasional hug here and there, but fairly often I sit alone. I am involved and invested, I am even known at EvFree and yet, I find myself navigating the aisles and preparing to meet the Lord by myself. Being alone isn’t intrinsically a negative, but in this season that has been marked by deep loneliness, Sunday mornings make it feel so abundantly obvious and as I kneel at the cross, it is tangible. I often find myself reaching for my phone to text Anna - I know she’ll be sitting in church at Gateway and every part of me aches to be there too. I love EvFree and worship is one of my favorite times of the week and yet my heart seems to be screaming. As I worshipped and prayed yesterday I kept thinking You alone are enough, You are fulfillment and hope. In You we can be content in all circumstances. I know all these things to be true and have prayed them repeatedly throughout the past few years. Isn’t it frustrating and nonsensical that our hearts cannot seem to catch up with our minds. Why can’t our feelings just match what we KNOW and claim? I can resolve my mind and yet the tears still seem to come. Even though I am completely certain in those moments that it is good, maybe even best for it to be just me and the Lord, I want so much to be given the comfort of a friend or the hope of a forever with someone versus staring at the current picture He has provided - sitting and savoring the richness of just me and my Savior and being totally and completely filled by Him. 

And so today I am wildly aware of my desperate need to return to the foot of the cross every single day. To give my heart wholly to Him and ask Him to give me the faith of a child. To trust Him to be my Father and to guide and direct me because His way is best and I want His plan, which is undoubtedly far better than the one I will come up with on my own. Oh Lord that You would remind me to be small that You might be BIG and please, oh PLEASE help my heart to catch up…

take heart.

2016. 

It’s here and it’s new and I could say something hopeful and enthusiastic like it is brimming with possibility, but the truth is I haven’t really felt like that in a long time… 

I’m 30 and in (just less than) 2 months I will be 31. Several of my friends have said “make this the year of shell”. I don’t really even know what that means. I have had 30 years of shell. Sure, I can keep pursuing me - I will keep seeking the Lord and doing all I can to grow in Him and constantly seeking His face as I strive to become more like Christ. I will keep investing in ministry and doing things that make my heart beat - pouring into my people and loving my amazing foster teens. Hopefully I will get to travel. Obviously I will drink coffee and paint my nails and wear fantastic accessories and ridiculously bold lip colors. But if I was REALLY honest, I would love for this to be the year of SHELL + ______ (and that blank would be filled in with the name of the love of my life). I understand that God is not bound by the conventions of man and He doesn’t work on our timeline. To Him my 30 years is nothing but a blip. He is writing a beautiful and inspiring story with my life and I will look back and think the wait was SO worth it. But oh in my humanity I am so ready. The longing is real and the ache is gnawing and ever-present. I would LOVE for this to be the year my head stops pounding and ruining all my fun. When I can stop spending so much money and time on doctors appointments and desperately seeking answers. When it just doesn’t hurt so much. I would LOVE for this to be the year that I get to have that sweet reunion with my best World Changers teammates Michael Page and Emily Diaz and I get to jet set to San Francisco to see my sweet friend Joy and spend some time back in Bama with my dearest Sara. I would LOVE for this to be the year for ALL the things. But let’s be realistic for just a second because that isn’t really how life works, no year is the year for ALL THE THINGS. 

So I picked a mantra. One I pray will help me push through the year and keep my eyes on Him instead of becoming distracted and weary by the weight of life. My mantra for 2016 has been claimed and prayed over and I truly hope it will be a reminder for me in moments that just feel entirely too hard. 

take heart. 

“ I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 {esv} 

May I have courage and be of good cheer regardless of suffering and trial and sorrow. The world is real and yet we have great hope for He has conquered. 

2016. take heart. 

I said yes...to the bridesmaid dress...

My dear sweet Mands is getting married in only 36 days! INSANE! The maid of honor - Amanda’s hilarious and ridiculously fun sister Ashley (also known as Shleyb or SHLEYBERT) - and I threw a BEAUTIFUL bridal shower on Saturday, January 9th and very soon that will get a post all its own as it is quite deserving of some blog love. However, THIS post is about the dress and the shoes because my friends, I SAID YES TO THE DRESS and it wasn’t even that hard. ahhh! 

Amanda said she wanted us to wear floor length, grey dresses. That was really her only stipulation. As a bridesmaid I think it is SO wonderful when the bride lets you pick your own dress - obviously it means you’re going to look far more attractive because you’re going to pick a dress that fits and flatters your body. That said, it also becomes a bit more challenging because…it means…THE HUNT IS ON. If you get an ugly dress it is nobody’s fault but your own. We looked a bit at David’s bridal and Nordstrom the day Amanda said yes to her dress and then I did some hunting on JCrew and Nordstrom.com. That’s when I spotted the dress I thought would probably be “the one”.

I love the flowy tulle, the sweetheart shaped illusion neckline so it pretends to be strapless but you won’t be caught tugging and pulling on it all evening long. The color is basically perfection - that perfect blend of a true grey with the slightest hint of pink so it doesn’t err sluggish, but feels dreamy and sophisticated. It is slightly too expensive, but it’s a bridesmaid dress, so they all are. I sent the picture to a few trusted friends and asked for their gut instinct. They all loved it. I pulled out the trusty measuring tape and did my best to figure out my size. I committed and ordered the very biggest size available and the internal panic started to set in. What if it arrived and didn’t fit or I looked absolutely hideodious in it? I waited with anticipation for the dress to arrive while the bride lovingly affirmed me and confidently reminded me I would look absolutely GORGEOUS in the dress (she really is the sweetest). The dress arrived and I opened the box - the dress was just as pretty in person as it looked online. I took it out of the bag with trepidation and pulled it on. The moment arrived when it was time for the zipper - always the scariest part - it went right up with ease. Maybe for the first time, I felt a tiny smidge of pride over the weight loss. I took it down to San Diego a few days later to give Anna an in-person glimpse and she immediately said I needed to order a smaller size. A SMALLER SIZE. Y’all this NEVER happens. I have always been the biggest bridesmaid in the bunch so it was truly a moment of glory. The smaller dress hasn’t arrived yet, but I am so excited to have a beautiful dress that fits and needs to be SMALLER to fit me. What a wonderful and fun little gift that will be as I get ready on Amanda’s day! 

With the dress selection complete it was time to go shoe shopping. The dress is grey, so shoes were going to be a bit tricky. The dress is floor length, so realistically they weren’t even going to show, but I still wanted something really fun that would make me feel fancy and put together. I also wanted something comfortable because weddings are long (I mean we’re talking a day at Disneyland long here) and if you’re gonna hit the dance floor, the last thing you want to be thinking is “man, my feet are killing me”. Because I knew the dress needed to be altered, I needed to decide on shoes somewhat quickly because alterations require some time. In the midst of shower planning and preparations for the bachelorette and the wedding itself, I started to get a tinge overwhelmed by the shoes. I couldn’t seem to figure out what color would be best or really even what I wanted overall. And everything I looked at was so ridiculously expensive and I wanted to keep things as budget friendly as possible. So - as I so often do when I am in desperate need - I asked my bests for help. Anna immediately said wear flats. Em said I should wear the black and gold heels I purchased for her wedding. Amanda, just took care of it all. She started sending me links of shoes and we laughed over how many of the shoes she sent looked just like something she would wear. In the long run, my sweet friend and decided shoes would be the perfect thank you for throwing her bridal shower so I will be wearing the most beautiful pair of Cinderella slippers under my dress. They look just like me and I cried the biggest tears when I opened them. I honestly couldn’t have picked a better pair - they’re flats but perfectly fancy with a hint of sparkle. 

So the outfit selections are basically done. Now we’re down to scheduling the alterations, getting a haircut (which is happening on Tuesday) and determining what to wear to the rehearsal dinner! It is all coming together and I am getting really excited. Couldn’t love the bride more and I couldn’t be more grateful to be part of this celebration! Cheers to Mr. and Mrs. Roth - and to the continuing tales of a bridesmaid!

the blog I never thought I would write...

It is strange how much our perspectives can change in retrospect. Looking back things never look quite the same as they did when we stood in the midst of them. 

I have always been a fairly confident person and I will credit the Lord with that 100%, He just made me that way.  I’ve never been the girl who cowered in the corner ashamed of her body NOR was I Brittany Snow from Pitch Perfect who boldly said, “Yeah. I’m pretty confident about all this” while flaunting it all and singing titanium in the shower. I knew I was big, but it didn’t particularly bother me. I mean there were definitely things I didn’t love about it - Emily and I have long discussed the horrors of the diagonal chin (you might only know what I’m talking about if you have one, but honestly, if your chin connects directly to your body you know precisely what I mean) and my thighs rub together when I walk so the whole concept of a “thigh gap” was BAFFLING to me. I wasn’t going to rock a legging because let’s be honest those are for “twig bitches” and there were certain stores I wasn’t even going to TRY to shop in and things that aren’t even worth trying on. Being a bridesmaid brought its own set of internal terrors - wondering what dress the bride would pick and then if it would be available in a size large enough for me or just make me look like an absolute whale, or maybe they would charge me extra because it’s plus size. Boots were not something to be tried on amongst friends because they weren’t going to just slide right on over my giant calves. Yes, there were downsides. But on the average day, I got up, got dressed, did life, and felt pretty good about it. I had darn cute clothes and in pictures I didn’t think I looked that bad.

BUT things have changed. You see, for the first time in my life I am surprisingly self-conscious and insecure and having to learn to love my body even though I am smaller than I have been in years. In the last year, I lost a lot of weight (approximately 80 lbs. at this point) and I can shop in all those normal stores and wear the normal sizes and I’m in a wedding and the bridesmaid dress I ordered is too big and I’m going to need to get it altered. I can share clothes with my friends and I have a rocking pair of boots. But before no one said anything about my size and now people are kind and generous with their words and so very complimentary, but it makes me feel so awkward and weird and strange that people notice my body and are looking at me. My confidence is shaken and even though I know I should be celebrating right along with them, it is taking me some time to settle into this new reality. I have a hard time reaching for the size large on the rack instead of the XXL and I don’t believe things are going to fit and then I’m shocked when they actually do. And now I look at the pictures from BEFORE and think, yes, indeed I was big and I do look better now and I am grateful for how far I’ve come. 

SO… I am claiming this new me in the new year and choosing to celebrate her even if she is a bit unfamiliar. She is extraordinary and I’m going to rally and hear the words everyone is saying and try with all my might to channel that excitement to use it to steady my shaky feet. Maybe today is the day I should start loving shell...the smaller, slimmer, darn cute version of her!