On Monday I got a text from my friend Noelle including a picture and the exclamation, "so this happened today!" As I took it in my heart swelled, the picture was Noelle and Caleb (who had recently been promoted from boyfriend to fiancé) and a glimmering diamond ring: Noelle said yes. I was so grateful for her good news and my heart truly rejoiced with her. I know the journey to that "yes" was one filled with kneeling before the throne and seeking the Lord's wisdom. It wasn't necessarily easy and it was undoubtedly a decision she prayerfully considered as she took each step forward. Noelle (or friend in real life as I usually call her) is an amazing woman of character and integrity and has always put the Lord first in her life. What a blessing to hear the Lord had finally answered her questions and given her peace to joyfully proceed into marriage. I was elated.
And yet only seconds later the tears welled up and threatened to completely overtake me. I made a fatal error and considered a stupid question. Three tiny, seemingly insignificant words that instantly destroyed me and shattered my joy. I asked myself, "what about me?" You see in the time that Noelle and Caleb met, dated, prayed, and ultimately decided to move forward into marriage I wasn't asked on a single date, it wasn't even an idea on the horizon. As I have longed and prayed for a husband, the Lord has been silent. That doesn't mean He doesn't have a perfect plan and it doesn't mean He isn't moving, it definitely doesn't mean He doesn't see me or that I am forgotten. It merely means His answer has been not yet, not now, trust Me. When I see the question, "what about me?" written out plainly, it sounds so ugly and selfish. I hate that my heart even went there. I don't want be the kind of person who is constantly looking at life through that lens, I don't want to filter everyone's experiences through my own desires. I do wholeheartedly believe it is possible to both celebrate joy for another and mourn your own losses simultaneously, and yet I want to stay in the joy. I want to take the "what about me?" thoughts captive and give them back to the Lord choosing to grasp the fulfillment and purpose He has for this moment. I want more than longing for tomorrow, especially since the Bible is so clear that tomorrow has enough trouble of its own. So tonight I am praying a new prayer and asking the Lord for strength to stop asking "what about me?". I think I will probably have to repeat that prayer more times than I can count in the upcoming weeks and months. It sounds impossible as I consider friends getting married and having babies - so often it feels like I am staring at my dreams and yet not getting to live them. And still I trust the Lord has a husband and ultimately a family for me - it is undoubtedly the desire of my heart and He is so very faithful. I just can't ask those three words anymore, they only shatter my heart and steal my joy.
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