It is strange how much our perspectives can change in retrospect. Looking back things never look quite the same as they did when we stood in the midst of them.
I have always been a fairly confident person and I will credit the Lord with that 100%, He just made me that way. I’ve never been the girl who cowered in the corner ashamed of her body NOR was I Brittany Snow from Pitch Perfect who boldly said, “Yeah. I’m pretty confident about all this” while flaunting it all and singing titanium in the shower. I knew I was big, but it didn’t particularly bother me. I mean there were definitely things I didn’t love about it - Emily and I have long discussed the horrors of the diagonal chin (you might only know what I’m talking about if you have one, but honestly, if your chin connects directly to your body you know precisely what I mean) and my thighs rub together when I walk so the whole concept of a “thigh gap” was BAFFLING to me. I wasn’t going to rock a legging because let’s be honest those are for “twig bitches” and there were certain stores I wasn’t even going to TRY to shop in and things that aren’t even worth trying on. Being a bridesmaid brought its own set of internal terrors - wondering what dress the bride would pick and then if it would be available in a size large enough for me or just make me look like an absolute whale, or maybe they would charge me extra because it’s plus size. Boots were not something to be tried on amongst friends because they weren’t going to just slide right on over my giant calves. Yes, there were downsides. But on the average day, I got up, got dressed, did life, and felt pretty good about it. I had darn cute clothes and in pictures I didn’t think I looked that bad.
BUT things have changed. You see, for the first time in my life I am surprisingly self-conscious and insecure and having to learn to love my body even though I am smaller than I have been in years. In the last year, I lost a lot of weight (approximately 80 lbs. at this point) and I can shop in all those normal stores and wear the normal sizes and I’m in a wedding and the bridesmaid dress I ordered is too big and I’m going to need to get it altered. I can share clothes with my friends and I have a rocking pair of boots. But before no one said anything about my size and now people are kind and generous with their words and so very complimentary, but it makes me feel so awkward and weird and strange that people notice my body and are looking at me. My confidence is shaken and even though I know I should be celebrating right along with them, it is taking me some time to settle into this new reality. I have a hard time reaching for the size large on the rack instead of the XXL and I don’t believe things are going to fit and then I’m shocked when they actually do. And now I look at the pictures from BEFORE and think, yes, indeed I was big and I do look better now and I am grateful for how far I’ve come.
SO… I am claiming this new me in the new year and choosing to celebrate her even if she is a bit unfamiliar. She is extraordinary and I’m going to rally and hear the words everyone is saying and try with all my might to channel that excitement to use it to steady my shaky feet. Maybe today is the day I should start loving shell...the smaller, slimmer, darn cute version of her!
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