my friends are having babies and i'm loving on foster kids...

Last summer I went to Teen Leadership Camp for the very first time and instantly my heart was captured and a new passion was born. Working with teenagers who have been impacted by the Foster Care System is heart-breaking and yet full of hope. They are the strongest kids I’ve ever met with stories that are devastating and include moments no child should have ever experienced. However, at camp, for this brief moment in time, they’re the same as everyone else, they have the same struggles, and they can fully relate to one another. For this one weekend every summer they get to just be kids and it is incredible to watch them laugh, play soccer for hours on end, paint nails all through the night, eat ridiculous amounts of junk food and candy, raise their hands in worship, and feel truly loved, accepted, and worthy EXACTLY as they are.

This summer I was on the leadership team for camp and spent several months planning everything out. Camp was June 20-22 and everything went as well as we could have hoped and again we were able to create this special space where these broken kids were full of life and joy. I really can’t explain what an amazing thing it is to watch and be part of. It is one of my greatest joys in life. This summer I was the “Queen of Fun” and led all kinds of ridiculous games. We played things like ATTACK OF THE FISHIES and BALLOON POP FRENZY, we did the Twinkie Dance and had a Comedy Sportz night. We were undoubtedly ridiculous, but that’s kind of what camp is all about, right? Being all kinds of crazy and loving every moment of it. TLC is my favorite weekend of the year.

I’ve been home for just over 2 weeks now, and I already miss the kids like crazy funky. I hate that they have to wait until next June to be reunitned. SO…In addition to camp, we’ve decided to create a “club” which will closely resemble a youth group for our kids to come to once a month. We’ll have games and worship and a speaker and FOOD and give the kids a place to connect with one another and many of the camp counselors. Hopefully it will be a place where they can re-establish their feelings of being loved and wanted and celebrated as they grow. A place where healthy adult relationships are modeled and real conversations can take place. A place where the foundations for a healthy and successful future are laid. I am so honored to be directing club alongside one of my dear friends Rachel and I have no doubt the Lord has great things in store for us. There is much to still be determined and I don’t fully know what will unfold, but I can’t wait to see the Lord at work and truly praise Him for allowing me to have any part of His journey with these kids. I absolutely love them!

and...she is married...

Over the weekend, one of my dearest and most beautiful friends got married...

 I met Rebecca MacKenzie in the summer of 2008 - she was the newest employee at Ev. Free Fullerton and she was just a year younger than me. We connected initially over coffee breaks and lunch dates but quickly became dear friends. That fall, I introduced Kenz to my best friend from college (yay CBU!!) Megan McAlpine and a true trio was born. We spent a ridiculous amount of time at The Diz, went on the Great Cupcake Crawl, made annual trips to the San Clemente Beach house, visited museums and zoos and landmarks galore, went wine tasting in Santa Barbara, took weekend trips to San Luis Obispo and San Francisco, attempted to ride the great balloon but settled for the carousel, celebrated birthdays and Christmases together with ice-skating and fancy dinners and sand-filled salads, became connoisseurs of happy feet, conquered more shopping trips to GAP and ANTHRO than could ever be counted, went to movies, watched the Oscars, proved our television athleticism (though Kenz is waaaay behind Gan and me) with ALL the Harry Potter movies, GIRLS, and The Mole, drank unspeakable quantities of coffee and generally lived life together. We have been adventuring together since 2008 - we’ve had 6 great years.

Kenz is one of the kindest and most generous people I know. She has a true servant’s heart and will do absolutely anything to help anyone she cares about. She is a gem of a friend and I will truly miss seeing her everyday. You see Kenz isn’t just my friend, she was also my roommate! Kenz and I have been roommates since the fall of 2011 and it has been SO EASY to share my home with her! She is undoubtedly one of the easiest roommates in the world! She is quiet and cleans up after herself. Honestly my biggest complaint was that she is always cold and I am always hot so the air conditioner was not her friend in the same way it is mine! Ha! Things could be MUCH worse!

On Saturday I watched Kenz walk down the aisle from my prime viewing location - the very front. She was radiant. The tears welled up as this incredible woman and dear friend made promises to spend forever loving Jason with all her heart. Jason is a seriously blessed man. And Kenz is a lucky lady. Jason makes her lighter somehow - she laughs a little easier and acts a little goofier. They literally sparkle when they are together. It’s totally corny and adorably perfection. It was my honor to stand beside them and commit to encouraging them as they serve Christ together and walk into this new season of their lives. Being a bridesmaid is always WAY MORE FUN when you’re completely confident and wholeheartedly in love with the couple. So CHEERS to Rebecca and Jason - Mr. and Mrs. Madsen - this bridesmaid LOVES you!

29

This has undoubtedly been one of the most challenging seasons of my life. I feel like I have waged war with every foreseeable opponent. From battling constant and debilitating headaches to searching endlessly for value in my once was dream job and picking up the pieces of my broken heart as friend after friend announced a new chapter and adventure in her life would soon begin. I have said goodbye to virtually every childhood dream and expectation and found myself wondering deeply when and or if I would ever have a reason to celebrate. There are days my real desires seem buried so deep that I fear even the conscious thought of them would cause an eruption within me that would render me incapable of recovery and literally destroy me. The wounds are real and raw and my heart aches in a way I don't think I knew it could. 

Nevertheless, in the midst of the darkness, I have seen fractals of light radiate around and within me. I have seen redemption and healing and restoration even within areas of my heart that I thought were whole. I have found new feet to stand on, new dreams to reach for, and new friends to walk with. I have striven to ensure that as I proceed into the vast unknown I hope for a future that though it may look far different than ever anticipated will exceed every expectation. I do not know what the future holds but I know I will not be walking into the darkness alone. There are brave and strong warriors who are champions of my heart and have proven themselves faithful even when I faltered. They will help me write my story and keep me walking forward and I will forever be grateful. 

To those who have faithfully upheld me and made the unbearable days go by, I thank you. For being present and lovingly embracing me exactly where I am. You are part of my journey and I love living life with you!

big dreams

I am in a peculiar station in life. I have dreams, big dreams, but there are some missing pieces - missing pieces like a husband and a place to call home that is suitable for a child. I sometimes feel like if I stop to actually think about the things I truly want in life, the very contemplation will crush me and my insides will explode. But here is the truth, I want to love with all my heart. I want to love kids that aren't mine - to adopt, to foster - to be brave enough to call one of God's kids my own. I want it so badly it almost hurts. And I know I will do it - I know it is going to break me, wreck me, hurt like hell - but I also know I am called to it and that He will be strength in my weakness.

I just watched this heart-wrenching video on foster care - an inside glimpse of the torturous and overwhelmingly painful reality some of these kids have lived in. In June I will be headed back to TLC - a camp for foster kids - a weekend escape filled with laughter and sometimes tears and incredibly gut-wrenching truths. Videos like this remind me how valuable and imperative being involved and invested in these kids truly is.

If you're ready to have your heart break and simultaneously want to hug a kid tight, spend the next 12 minutes watching this...I sincerely hope it changes you!

ReMoved from HESCHLE on Vimeo.

let me be your star

Grey's Anatomy is undoubtedly my very favorite television show of all time. However, I have been called a television athlete at least a time or two by those who know me well...because I have A LOT of shows, perhaps even a lot of favorite shows. That said, SMASH will go down in history as one of my all-time-faves! I am still sad that it was cancelled after only two extraordinary seasons. I knew when it got moved to Saturday nights that things were looking stark, and I was right, at the close of the season, the lights on this Broadway inspired phenomenon went out for good.

The series began in February of 2012 and was officially cancelled on May 10, 2013...almost an entire year later, my Spotify STILL opens to "The Music of Smash" and more often than not, you'll find me at my desk plugging away, while being serenaded by showtunes. I'm SUCH a Broadway nerd!

Anyway, that's my random thought for the day...that and that if I ever get the chance to stand behind the curtain, to experience the moment before it all begins, where a theatre is transformed into an alternate universe and literally anything is possible, THAT will be a dream come true! I will forever crave the splendor of live theatre! There is just something in it that makes my heart beat a little faster in the best possible way!

playing on repeat...

Christina Perri has always been a favorite. Always. Her voice is luscious coupled with eerily enticing harmonies and lyrics that will tear you apart. Her new album released on Monday and the hopefully haunting songs are playing on repeat in my world. "The Words" is my very favorite...


all of the lights land on you
the rest of the world fades from view
and all of the love i see, please please, say you feel it too

all of the noise i hear inside
restless and loud, unspoken and wild
and all that you need to say, to make it all go away, is that you feel the same way too

and i know, the scariest part is letting go
'cause love is a ghost you can't control
i promise you the truth can't hurt us now
so let the words slip out of your mouth

and all of the steps that led me to you
and all of the hell i had to walk through
but i wouldn't trade a day, for the chance to say, my love i'm in love with you

and i know, the scariest part is letting go
'cause love is a ghost you can't control
i promise you the truth can't hurt us now
so let the words slip out of your mouth

i know that we're both afraid
we both made the same mistakes
an open heart is an open wound to you
and in the wind of a heavy choice
love has a quiet voice
still your mind, now i'm yours to choose

and i know, the scariest part is letting go
let my love be the light that guides you home
and i know the scariest part is letting go
'cause love is a ghost you can't control
i promise you the truth can't hurt us now
so let the words slip out of your mouth.

my best week yet...

It’s HIGH FIVE FOR FRIDAY time! The past week was one of my very favorites ever…FOR SURE my favorite of 2014!  I had birthday celebrations galore as I turned 29 on the 12^th, got to spend time with my gorgeous nieces and sister in law, and dove head-first into a friendship that has already made me a deeper, richer, and more beautiful person. I am exhausted (like crazy tired and need an intravenous drip of coffee to survive the day) but my heart is full.

My actual birthday was Wednesday, March 12 - a wonderful day. I started the day with breakfast at Kimmie’s Coffee Cup in Brea with my dear friend Mindy. I forgot to bring lipstick and failed to put on earrings before leaving the house (Mindy and I meet for breakfast at 7am – life is really hard for me at 7am) so after we ate I ran to target and got myself little treasures (#favorite). Fully dressed and ready for the day, I headed to the office. My coworkers took me to lunch (I had breakfast again) and Rachel sent me flowers all the way from down under! After work Carrie and Shannon took me to dinner at The Filling Station in Downtown Orange (where I had my 3^rd breakfast of the day) – it was DELICIOUS and the company was bar none. LOVE ME SOME CARRIE AND SHANNON!
Saturday Megan came to town from Palm Springs and Kenz was plan free so we spent the entire day together. We started with lunch at Olive Pit – I had feta fries - one of my downfalls in life (#lovemesomefetafries). Then we did some damage at Nordy’s Rack, TJ Maxx, and the Brea Mall (#nordyscoffeeforthewin). Gan and I bought some stellar new shades at GAP with our 40% off coupons (#praisetheLord) and of course we visited the puppies! Food and shopping checked off the list, it was time for relaxation – so we headed for happy feet – one of my very favorite places on earth. I really can’t even explain it with words – but basically it is $15 for a 60 minute “foot massage” which includes a lovely little head and neck massage a very long and concentrated foot massage and ends with about 10 minutes on a standard massage table where I am always shocked and surprised by a little butt grazing. It really is absolutely fantastic and a really cheap little escape. With super greasy everything, we headed to ChaChas for dinner and frozen mojitos (#frozenmojitosareagifttotheworld) and then we grabbed a movie and planted on the couch to finish the evening off. It was basically a perfect day.

Sunday was my birthday brunch at Chapter One – my very favorite breakfast spot in Downtown Santa Ana. Chapter One has bottomless mimosas (for only $6 I might add) – and that is JUST my style! I was overwhelmed with laughter and joy deep in my soul as I sat at that table and looked at the incredible women who have become such a treasured part of my life.  Jenny outdid herself with a gorgeous cake a decorated table and party favors for all my guests! We ate and sipped and the bagpiper played and we laughed until there were tears in our eyes and it was everything I could have hoped for. 

Tuesday I headed for San Diego to steal some time with my precious nieces Madeline and Charlotte and my sweet sister Jamie who are in town for Spring Break from Oahu. The last time I hugged Madeline was July of 2013, so my arms were aching and desperate to have my little close. I got to squeeze Charlotte in September, but since then she had started walking and really playing – so much changes in a short time when they’re small. I took Wednesday off work and we wasted the entire day together. We went out to breakfast and played at the park for hours (#mybodystillhurts) watched Frozen and grabbed chickfila for dinner. Very quickly it was time to say goodbye again and I just couldn’t stop the tears. There is absolutely nothing better than waking up in the morning to Madeline or hearing her sweet voice say, “I love you one-hundred-million times”. I have said it before but will say it again – there is nothing I love more than being Aunt Shell.
My final highlight of the week is perhaps the most profound of all. I drove back from San Diego Wednesday evening in the dark, with puffy eyes from saying goodbye to my favorite people on earth and headed straight for my friend R. She told me she would make it her mission to cheer me up and she did not disappoint. Rachel is a new friend – a new friend who is an awful lot like me (#thesimilaritiesareshocking). She was raised in AWANAs, ordered pintos and cheese at Taco Bell as a child, doesn’t sleep nearly enough, is a little loud and potentially embarrassing in the best possible ways, believes in coffee, cherry7up is her favorite soda, she loves TJMaxx, craves relationship and chooses to love people exactly where they are with complete abandon. She has an incredible heart and an amazing story. She is a passionate, dedicated, driven person with a true desire to live and love well. We connected initially at TLC (the foster kid camp that makes my heart beat) and we just reconnected and kicked off what promises to be one of the most incredible friendships of my life. In a ridiculously short period of time, she has completely captured my heart and I am pumped to see where God is going with us – I have a feeling she might wreck me – but I’m ready to dig deeper and grow in profound ways.  I truly believe I am a richer person because we are living life together and for that I am overwhelmingly grateful.

It really was a fabulous week – a week of gratitude and countless reminders of how great this one wild and crazy life can really be…

thoughtful thursday

I am a collector of inspiration. I write down quotes on 3x5 index cards constantly. I have stacks of them and find them just about everywhere - in the office, in my purse, at my house. Today I am lacking in personal inspiration, so here are some of my latest index cards with words that have touched me in some way or another since the start of 2014.

"You can't rely on how you look to sustain you. What is fundamentally beautiful is compassion for yourself and those around you. That kind of beauty enflames the heart & enchants the soul." - Lupita Nyongo

"No one can go back and make a brand new start, but anyone can start from here and make a brand new end." - Dan Zadra

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - A. A. Milne

"She is delightfully chaotic; a beautiful mess. Loving her is a splendid adventure." - Steve Maraboli

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it." - Nelson Mandela

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate." - Oprah Winfrey

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus

"Go beyond reason to love, it is the only safety." - Thaddeus Golas

"There's a delicate type of beauty in broken people. Most of the time they're scared and sad, but once in a while, you see the sun shine through the cracks of their heart and it lights up a small part of the world in a wonderful way."

i'm turning 29...

In less than one week I will be 29 years old. It hurts a little if I am honest. You see, there are things I feel like I should have accomplished by this point in my life. Especially when I start comparing myself to others (and yes I know I shouldn't do that!). You see, I am turning 29 but I don't own a house, or have a husband, there are no kids on the horizon, I owe more in student loans than I make in a year, I live with three (3) roommates and couldn't afford to live on my own even if I wanted to. I don't know why I feel that a 29 year old SHOULD have a handle on those things, but I do - and it makes me feel like a bit of a failure. Sometimes I wonder if I have anything to be proud of. And because I want to combat the feelings of self-doubt and ridiculous wallowing and remind myself of all the wonderful and priceless experiences I have had, I decided to take inventory in my life. I want to have an appreciative and grateful spirit. So, here is a list of things I have done in my brief encounter here on earth. Hopefully as I type, I will become increasingly aware of how much wonderful there has truly been.

1. Learned to play the piano and read music (thanks mom)

2. Was part of the FAME program (Fine Arts Magnet Education) in elementary school and fell in love with the theatre

3. Learned to play the flute and then played first chair at Flying Hills Elementary and also played in the San Diego Youth Symphony

4. Did three (3) summer mission trips with Gateway Church and World Changers and learned the value a servants heart

5. Was part of the Gateway Youth Choir - Singing About Love & Truth (SALT) and visited CBU for the very first time

6. Was an editor for the Grossmont High School Yearbook

7. Went to Spain, Germany, Poland and Prague with the Red Robe Choir and experienced a lot of history in tremendous ways. I will forever appreciate WWII because of my experiences at Auschwitz and Birkenau. I never imagined I would actually SEE the end of those train tracks.

8. Was the Vice President of the Christian Club

9. Graduated from High School with an impressive GPA and even got an award at graduation

10. Researched a lot, took the SATs, Applied and GOT IN to California Baptist University with quite a few scholarships all on my own. Mom and Dad said I couldn't afford to go away to school and I made it happen (I have the student loans to show for it, but it was a dream come true)

11. Sang in the University Choir & Orchestra under the direction of Dr. Gary Bonner and was honored to be in a traveling small group as well

12. Worked as a summer missionary with World Changers through NAMB and Student Volunteer Mobilization. I met incredible kids with amazing hearts and got to see so many lives changed I cannot count. WC was hugely foundational in who I am.

13. Served as the Student Life Event Coordinator for Simmons Hall (aka the freshmen dorms) and met some seriously hilarious and absolutely amazing girls

14. Worked in elementary education at Riverside Christian Day School 

15. Graduated from CBU Magna Kum Laude as part of the Alpha Chi honor society with a Bachelor of Arts in Communications and a minor in Business Administration

16. Got into an MBA program immediately upon graduation and dove RIGHT BACK into my educational career (and again, I have the student loans to show for it. yikes bikes!)

17. Moved into "my own place" with lots of IKEA furniture and a bit too much excitement about roommates (I am still friends with a few, but let's be real, roommates are hard and I have had a LOT of them - I cannot even name them all anymore - but here is my best attempt - Lindsey, Adri, Rachel, Janice, girl whose dad paid rent, Shalina, Erin, Nicole, Carrie, Ashley, girl who only lived with us for a month, Katrina, Lindsey, Rebecca, Sarah, Rebecca, Laura)

18. Got my first real job at Ev. Free Fullerton in the Business Office and spent 4 years working with Jim Clark, Kathy Buchholz, Diane Freeman and a myriad of other fantastic people (KIRSTEN LOCKHART) who taught me how to be a good employee and spurred me on and encouraged me endlessly

19. Purchased Adobe Creative Suite and began using inDesign to design on the side...I even created a little company and named it began with a bow

20. Did a foreign exchange program at Oxford University and ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT

21. Graduated with a Masters in Business Administration and officially called my educational career COMPLETE

22. Said a tearful goodbye to friends at EVFree and started a new job at AkinsParker Creative as an Account Executive where my love for business and all things creative merged and my true career was born

23. Took my first trip to paradise (oh Hawaii how I miss you - and the members of my family you hold...less than 2 months and I WILL BE BACK FOR HUGS!)

24. Served as a counselor at TLC - a weekend camp for kids in the foster care system and realized I not only have a passion for adoption, but in general I have a heart for God's kids - I truly love them all

25. Coordinated a few weddings for dear friends like Amber, Shalina, and Carrie and a few others for church friends like Brian and Kristin and then coordinated one for a stranger and decided I was not cut out for all that work

26. Was a bridesmaid a few times (it isn't actually as many as you think - Jamie, Anna, Krista, Jenny, Jenny, Emily (soon Rebecca) - person of honor for Lisa and Rachel, and then technically you should throw in Carrie and Shalina because I was WAY more involved in their BIG DAYS than I would have been as a bridesmaid)

27. Welcomed lots of babies - Madeline, Charlotte, Izzy, Rory, Sienna and there a few more on the way - I sure do love being Aunt Shell - it is undoubtedly my favorite role in life

28. Bought a camera and decided I want to pursue photography on some level even if only for capturing personal memories in a beautiful way (I am second shooting my first wedding this summer - my friend Amber is probably CRAZY to have asked me!)

I guess that is appropriate - I can think of 28 things...so I should keep building from there...adding a 29 and a 30 because this is just the beginning, right?! There are so many more good things to come, so many wonderful experiences to add to the list. 29 is not old and it really won't feel any different than 28...at least that is what I'm gonna keep telling myself!

the OSCARS

First things first...ELLEN DEGENERES...she was amazing, stupendous, absolute perfection! She ordered pizza, fed it to A-List celebrities on paper napkins and then collected cash in Pharell's hat...she also took down Twitter. We don't really need to say anything else. Ellen rocked it. The Academy should really just ask her to host the show from this point forward...anyone else will basically pale in comparison.

I truly loved the entire show. There weren't really any major surprises - I actually saw every movie nominated for best picture, so my opinions were somewhat valid and for the most part I agreed with the winners. Megan feels strongly that Leo was robbed and I would have given it to my girl Jennifer Lawrence, but 12 Years a Slave was a clear win and Gravity was undoubtedly difficult to film, not to mention we all knew Frozen would take the animation slot. Girls have been singing their little lungs out for months.

The red carpet was a bit simple - I want to see ravishing beauty and dresses that are daring and risky. But I will give the gorgeous women some credit because it was WET in LA and we Californians don't really know what to do with weather. I'm sure they were thinking "what am I gonna do when my hair gets wet and frizzy" just like I would have been. The red carpet seemed a bit brief in general. E! did coverage for about 16 hours before the show started, but I don't feel like we really saw anything of value. That said, I picked six women to take "best dressed" - and Olivia Wilde deserves some major props for rocking that baby body even though she didn't make the list. DANG GIRL. I think Charlize Theron takes my top slot - those illusion straps and illusion stripes did me in...she was breathtaking. Jennifer's dress was fabulously bright, but I wasn't a huge fan of the hair and she totes did the back necklace last year. Sandra and Julia looked mature and sophisticated both of them just epitomize classy. Idina may have been super nervous while performing, but I think she did fantastic and she looked amazing while doing it! I watched her moment twice and will forever think she is a star! Finally we have the most talked about dress of the day - Kate Hudson - it is white and layered and angular and has a cape. Perfection.

I am so sad the Oscars are over. What is a girl to do when there are no more red carpets for watching while feasting and still losing weight by drinking skinny girl? Alas, I shall wait with bated breath and unspeakable anticipation for the Tony's on June 8 and then the Emmy's in August. Until then, the red carpet posts are on hiatus. Oh how I shall miss them!