On Monday I turned 33. I knew it had the potential to be a challenging day - I prepared for it - anticipated it - and even still, the tears came. I have done a lot of growing and grieving over the past few years. I have said goodbye to a lot of friendships that have taken more than they have brought. I have created new boundaries and space in friendships that needed to be reoriented. I have said a lot of painful goodbyes, but I knew they were right. I have sought Him, desiring to be gracious and generous with those I love in this season. I have begged Him to allow me to be understanding - to give me compassion - to give me endurance and a willingness to show up and love well even though my life looks so different than most of those around me. I have asked Him to allow me to be a friend who chooses to draw near and embrace those dearest to me even when it hurts and is a reminder of what I long for and He has not yet provided for me. I have prayed for eyes to see those I might run alongside and pour into and He has been faithful to point me towards a few who have become wondrously dear and special. I KNOW I AM LOVED and I KNOW I LOVE WELL.
Even still, in this space, I often find I am the one who shows up to give. Maybe that is the way He made me. Maybe I am called to be an initiator of relationship and to build community. Truth-telling - I think that is His best for all of us. Nevertheless, I tend to be the one sending the text to check in and putting the stamp on the envelope that goes out in the mail far more often than I am on the receiving end. Many days, I carry that role well and perhaps even as a badge of honor. I want to be one who loves in action. However, I knew this year I didn’t have the capacity to plan a birthday celebration. I knew with that decision came the potential for the day to come and go - but sometimes you just can’t ask to be celebrated. My heart just couldn’t take it.
My best friend Amanda sent a package in advance so it was here waiting for me to open ON MY ACTUAL BIRTHDAY (she actually wrote on the box - DO NOT OPEN until March 12) and my parents sent a card. My friends Jim & Sandy Clark and Andy & Kathleen Clark asked if they could take me to dinner on Sunday (the day before) and we had a lovely evening eating delicious food and talking until far too late. They were the perfect people to send out 32 alongside - we have shared a lot of life together in the past year as we said goodbye to our Hoadies and welcomed Pax to this world…God has been good to us and it was true joy to be amongst those beloved friends at the table. Monday I went to work and my coworkers Jen and Tiffany took me to lunch and late in the afternoon flowers arrived from Amanda and the Roth boys - another reminder of how present she wanted to be to celebrate me. I got a video text from Anna and Adelynn with a sneak attack of Jeremiah and Daniel too and several other friends popped in my phone to send kind words of cheer. After work, I headed home - put on my pajamas - and got in bed to read a book. Alone. Not unseen or unwanted or forgotten - just alone. There was no dinner with a friend. There was no upcoming celebration on the calendar. It was a day - basically like any other. I was 33 and I was alone. I WAS SO LOVED and the words felt pretty empty and meaningless.
This is a season marked with waves of grief - with ongoing reminders that life is not what I expected and that the road is marked with so much more enduring than I would prefer. I gospel myself and spend a lot of time on my knees. I know truth and I believe wholeheartedly that I am approved and I am the beloved daughter of the King. Ultimately, that saving love is the only gift worth celebrating and one worthy of ALL THE PRAISE. I will continue to pursue others and to love generously and I pray that all I am experiencing and learning through this painful chapter of my life will allow me to sit next to someone someday and look into her eyes and tell her - I understand - in a way that means more to her than she can ever say. He promises to repay every tear with joy and that nothing is wasted - He is at work even in these moments and I choose to look to Him to restore and Rescue. I AM SO LOVED - even if I never feel it.
This is a season marked with waves of grief - with ongoing reminders that life is not what I expected and that the road is marked with so much more enduring than I would prefer. I gospel myself and spend a lot of time on my knees. I know truth and I believe wholeheartedly that I am approved and I am the beloved daughter of the King. Ultimately, that saving love is the only gift worth celebrating and one worthy of ALL THE PRAISE. I will continue to pursue others and to love generously and I pray that all I am experiencing and learning through this painful chapter of my life will allow me to sit next to someone someday and look into her eyes and tell her - I understand - in a way that means more to her than she can ever say. He promises to repay every tear with joy and that nothing is wasted - He is at work even in these moments and I choose to look to Him to restore and Rescue. I AM SO LOVED - even if I never feel it.
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