hope and miracles...

There is an element of HOPE that feels absurdly naive. I have been living in pain since I was 20-years-old. I have been engaging with medical professionals and pounding on doors to get answers. I have seen improvements from time to time. I’ve lived in moments of exuberant joy as relief flooded and learned to dance with sorrow from desolate disappointment when pain returned and overwhelmed. I have good days - and I have a LOT of bad days. I’ve learned to live in the midst of the hard and to struggle “well” to the degree that is possible. I have grown and become as I have run to God to be near in the midst of the hardest and darkest moments. I have new eyes to see others in the midst of their wrestling - to look at them with compassion and empathy - to care even when I absolutely cannot fix or provide any real solution. Ultimately, I would not change what I have experienced, and even still, I can say with certainty - I am not good at pain. I think that may be a reality of the human condition - but even still - I have not overcome…God is for me, He is with me, and the struggle is real.

I also realize and recognize that I no longer pray the audacious prayer. I no longer hope for the miracle. I believe my God is ABLE and I know at any point He CAN HEAL ME and yet I feel as though He has said no - my life is evidence that He has asked me to sing His song in the midst of suffering. He has used my pain for His glory and has asked me to share this story with intentionality. I was silent for SO LONG. I lived under the weight of hiding in the midst of my pain  afraid of being labeled or defined by it. Freedom came much later as He forced me to confront the reality of my needs - as I allowed community to love me fully in the midst of the pain not despite it but through it - to see me fully and to run alongside me in my weakness. 

So therein is my question - is HOPE foolish? Is it WRONG that I have stopped praying for the miracle? It can be SO PAINFUL to hope on repeat and have it return void. I guess in some sense I do hope or rather cling to belief that I will not be stopped by pain. My counselor says I live in active denial and thereby engage in my best life in the midst of pain. I refuse to listen to can’t and instead shout WATCH ME at the world. I laugh at the idea that I can be minimized or made small by my circumstances and rather run full-force at adventure. I choose joy. That doesn’t mean that I don’t ache - oh I do - but ultimately, even in the midst of despair I desire laughter and dancing in the midst of His radiance rather than wallowing in pity or focusing on the emptiness. Perhaps THAT is the miracle and that is hope. Perhaps the very fact that I get up, face the day, and engage with THIS STORY is the gift He is giving. For today, that is enough.