One such chapter has been on my heart all weekend. On Friday night I bumped into a friend I haven’t seen in a while - a friend I shed more tears over than most. A friend I can say without hesitation God used mightily in my life and story. Our short season had a purpose far greater than what I could see at the time, and though it was costly it also caused growth that was needed and brought on a refining that was holy and sacred and undoubtedly from my GOOD Father. I probably would have titled that chapter - THE MOST DEVASTATING GOODBYE if I wrote it then, but I’m writing it now - and I think it is actually PROOF OF PURPOSE AND A PLAN BEYOND COMPREHENSION.
We became friends in a moment of need. We walked closely, intimately. We became secret keepers. I remember one particular day, I had received heavy news and she showed up, climbed in my bed, and cried with me. That hasn’t happened many times or with many people, but she was there; and though there were very few words shared, her presence spoke volumes.
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” Henri J. Nouwen
We dreamed of building something together. It was audacious and bold and I don’t think I could have stepped into that dream without her. In the midst of our own brokenness, we hoped for something better and more beautiful for others and we walked steadily towards it. There was much planning, preparing, anticipating and ultimately we created and launched something NEW. Then as quickly as she had entered my world, she was gone. I was left in the wreckage to try and rebuild my heart and keep our dream alive. I know I am not one to let go easily and though I did claw at her shadow for a while, I also learned that I couldn’t chase her. I looked at her on a a consistent basis from across spaces and places and watched her walk away. The ache was real - it was a DEVASTATING GOODBYE - I was shattered.
A year or so later, after having grieved, cried, and prayed for healing - we were together for a weekend of camp. I had just had a medical procedure that had significant complications and I had never been in so much pain. For years I had kept the truth about my head and how much I really dealt with therein hidden and then and there it was all exposed - there was no possible way to keep it quiet anymore - it was written on my face. God was at work and there was freedom coming, I desperately needed to let people in, to let people love me - all of me - pain and all, but in that moment, I could only feel the loss of the protection I had built up to keep people out. This was our reconciliation moment. She came and sat next to me on a bench and in her own humble and gentle way expressed her heart. In far less words and probably more with eyes of compassion she told me she loved me and cared and I told her I would always have a special place for her in my heart. I realized in that moment that nothing that became would have been possible without her - my God used her belief in me to give me the confidence and courage to run the race with endurance because that dream He had was not just for me - but for so many others.
It has been four years since that dream took flight. Four years since she believed I could do it. On Friday night when we saw each other across that room it was only special and beautiful. We stole a few moments together and I told her again that nothing has changed - she still has that place in my heart. She told me she still believes I’m the right one to be leading our little dream that isn’t so small anymore…our dream that truly has a heartbeat and has grown steadily over time. Our dream that is named CHOSEN and I believe is the very PLAN AND PURPOSE God had for my life. On Saturday 24 teens showed up to CHOSEN - teens that get to see His love and His light because of a friendship and a dream and a God that is bigger than tears and wreckage who is at work redeeming and making something beautiful out of extraordinary messes.
What a beautiful thing to know that chapter title might get to be re-written someday…and perhaps the story is still unfolding…
No comments:
Post a Comment