shards of light...

2017. 

I probably came into the year with some sort of word or mantra. I actually can’t even remember. But I am sure I probably wanted to claim something. I know I wanted to walk INTO joy and do my best to walk OUT OF longing and lonely. I have spent the better part of my 30’s kneeling at the cross trying to understand exactly what story God is writing with my life…distinctly aware that it looks nothing like I expected….wresting over disappointment amidst a deep desire to have hope knowing He has overcome and has not forgotten me. He asks us to walk in obedience by faith and I want so much to honor Him with my life. I truly seek to be faithful even in my failing. 

I also knew it was going to be a year where He was going to be the only way. Here’s the basic overview: Anna had a baby, Shannon had a baby, I said goodbye to my dear Grandma who died at age 99, I moved to Newport Beach where I currently reside with my one roommate, Emily had a baby (and it was wonderful escaping to the Lou to meet Charlee Sue and celebrate Emy’s 30th birthday too), my sweet friends the Hoads moved to Brazil to study language before heading to Mozambique Island where they’ll be missionaries long term (my heart for the nations is beating ever strong, but saying goodbye to some of your favorite friends isn’t exactly fun), I attempted to date some boys - let’s just say the online dating game is quite an adventure; I turned 32 and over birthday brunch I told my friends I was going to DO THE BIG THINGS THIS YEAR (I had no idea what that really meant), Amanda had a baby, Mindy had a baby, Ashley got married and I rocked it at that bridesmaid life (I should be really good at it by now - I’ve had a lot of experience!), CHOSEN year 3 was a total success and to say I love those teens is an outlandish understatement, Teen Leadership Camp was the best ever (yes please to an entire weekend with my favorite teenagers on the planet), J got married, I said yes and began prepping a team to go to Africa, I celebrated 6-years at AkinsParker Creative (and have learned that while my job may not be the ultimate drive and passion of my heart, it pays the bills and allows me to thrive in my passions outside the office and that may be just as valuable...plus there is almost always la croix in the fridge), Rebecca had a baby, Steven and Lindsey had twins, Jenny had a baby, I read some really good books and continued to grow deeper alongside the #CoffeeThree Book Club (I am still blown away that our little rooted group was a foundation deep enough and strong enough to stand tall today - these girls are not really mentees anymore, they're friends!), I started mentoring a sweet girl named Holly (whom I absolutely adore), Amanda and Tanner moved to Texas (must you take away ALL my people, Lord?!), Noelle had a baby, Kathleen is due to have a baby virtually any time now, I drank entirely too much coffee and attempted to keep my nails painted, we celebrated Shalina’s baby and we’ll greet her little girl with joy in early 2018, I found out Ashley is going to have a baby, I’m anticipating a trip to Maryland in just a few weeks where I will spend Christmas - with my brother and sister and my very favorite tiny humans, and then Susan is closing out the year with a total bang by getting married (which means I’ll get to see and love on some dear World Changing friends just over 10-years-later, and I have no doubt squeezing their necks is gonna be the best ever!), OH and I actually got on a plane and did the big adventurous thing - I went to RWANDA! 

If I look back at this year, it is so evident that all around me there are reasons to rejoice and celebrate. I joined in those celebrations, I hosted many of them and I do continually choose to be present. But if I am really honest, there is still this little part of me that wrestles in the midst of longing for my own celebration - this aching part of me that has a good desire but sees clearly that the Lord has not yet provided. As I drove home from dinner with a friend - who just announced she is having a baby - I listened to a podcast completely unrelated to family or singleness and even still the Lord’s faithfulness in the midst of the ever-present-storm overwhelmed me. 

“You are here in part because of the godly, wise choices you’ve made. There is a desire to be married to the right person, to be in the right relationship and you are where you are because you’ve made good decisions. We don’t have an answer for why there is a ‘delay’ or why God hasn’t brought the person in at this point in time. But what we do know is that you are suffering for righteousness sake, because of your decision to do the right thing, and this has brought God pleasure. Let’s just trust together that the Lord is going to honor you. Let’s not question in the dark what God has show us in the light.” -Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

I don’t know that anyone has ever told me that God is pleased as I suffer or that somehow my battle in singleness is both for Him and righteousness. I know that I am growing due to the suffering, that I am united with Christ, and that He draws near to the brokenhearted. I even know He hears my cries and promises to repay every tear with joy (which, to be honest, seems a bit impossible at times) but that He is pleased with me, that He is going to honor me - that is entirely new and so full of hope and promise. It somehow even breathes new life into this space and makes it seem more purposeful. It doesn’t mean that the wrestle is over…but perhaps new truth let even the tiniest shards of light begin to illuminate what once felt like only darkness.